This guy is a genius
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
I don’t need a relationship. I’m a rock. I’m an island. Sometimes I go to airport arrivals and stand with a piece of cardboard that says ‘NO-ONE’.
Isn’t it funny how for so many people, red, white and blue represent freedom, until they are flashing behind your car.
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”. Well nobody’s laughing now.
A girl called me the other day and said, “Come over, nobody’s home”, so I went over. Nobody was home.
We can teach kids there’s no ‘i’ in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no ‘a’ in definitely.
It’s hard not to laugh at some of the Impractical Jokers Punishments (for me at least).
Last year was a fun memory when this hit the news. I wish all my fellow people all the dirt in the whole widest world
This well-intentioned announcement is trending for all the wrong (but funny) reasons
I actually like The Last Jedi, because of all the memes it spawned. Between this and Ben Swolo, I can say it’s a great movie for memes.