Thanks for the response. Sorry for taking a little while to reply to you but I wanted to make sure I took the time to give you a proper reply.
I’m going to go through each of your points and give you a mixture of excuses, explanations and questions:
These, @Maxmansung, should always frame a vocative, from one or both sides.
To be honest I was never that good in English lessons, I was always a maths and science person. Just spent the last 5 minutes googling Vocative to figure out what the hell it was. I’ll try to go through the story and change that one now. Error on my part.
Stylistically, your writing style is not bad, but just a little bit bland and awkward at times
To be honest I started this story as an experiment, I’m more of a programmer but I love COG’s and I wanted to create one that I had been thinking of for a while. I’ve never done any creative writing since I left school (only academic writing). This whole story started out as an experiment but due to some of the positive responses I got I continued. I’ve been trying my best to get some negative feedback so I can work on those areas and finally I’ve got some. Thanks so much!
Is there any chance you could point out one passage/page that you felt was really bland?
If you can find one would you be able to point out a passage/page that you felt I managed to make interesting?
I’m sorry to ask more of you but if I can compare the two I can hopefully figure out exactly where I’m going wrong a little more.
By discovery of copper I take it’s neolithic - which means, everything is stone, and you wrote everything to be way too advanced for that
This is true. It comes down to a major dilemma I faced in my story. My plan was for technology to advance as it has so far but at the same time I found myself writing characters into the story that I hadn’t expected. Because of these characters I had to slow time down a lot which left technology passing fast but time passing slowly to prevent everyone dying of old age.
That leaves me with a choice:
- Kill the characters introduced in chapter 2 half way through chapter 3
- Reduce technology to a point that almost nothing advances
- Ignore it and use the “It’s a fantasy” excuse (laziest but easiest option)
I tried to make the excuse that some of the technology had grown from trade tribes around allowing the town to speed up it’s growth. As you can see the Kever army has had metalworking for a period long enough to make armour out of it. The discovery in one region doesn’t mean that everywhere will have it so it’s possible to assume the town has neolithic weapons however the world as a whole has passed into the bronze age for an extended period.
It may be appropriate for me to go back and make that a lot clearer within the story if you think thats an acceptable excuse (and thats what it is really, an excuse)
Speaking of resources: there’s no way tribal people (~50 all in all) could have build something grandiose as a statue three houses high. They don’t have quarry and mines, they don’t have metals, they don’t have tools.
This again is true, basicly just lazy writing by myself. Potentially I can completely take out the statue (it’s been questioned before) and change it to a more practical wonder of the world.
With regards to the 50 people in the tribe part, I should probably make it clearer that many years have passed since you first joined the tribe throughout chapter 3. Children have been born and grown up (Like Aire/Roc) and people from outside the tribe have joined due to word of the Spirits.
Would that make sense?
Again, I want to thank you for your feedback and I’m sorry that in response I ask you for a whole bunch more and hit you with this wall of text. I’m trying to continue with this story as much as possible however I not expecting to create anything equal to the work on this site, really I’m just seeing if I’m able to achieve writing a game/story at all.
