The Fifth Horseman: Fear [WIP]

Hi, I didn’t want to do my homework so I decided to create a cog lol.
I don’t have much experience coding and I’ve never written a story before so there will be a LOT of mistakes. Have fun bros, also I have no idea what I’m doing.

Currently, it’s just the prologue and the first chapter.

Summary

You’re an immortal. The Fifth Horseman.

10,000 years ago a war raged for a hundred years, an army of demons summoned by Mallus the Corruption, roam the earth causing destruction and feeding on humans. You sent Mallus’ army back to the pits of hell and sealed Mallus in a medallion, ending the war but for a price,

you sacrifice yourself, imbuing your life force (immortality) into the medallion to give it the strength it needs to hold Mallus, You succumb to the wounds you received in battle and spend the next 10,000 floating in a void of nothingness, alone.

until you are reborn as a…human. With no memories of the past (at least that’s what you think.) You grow up as a normal child until your 21st birthday where you’re suddenly plagued with nightmares of a war that happened a hundred centuries ago.

Then more weird shit happens like…

Meeting your maker.

Mysterious people that seems eerily familiar.

Witnessing members of a cult summons a demon that looks awfully similar to the ones in your nightmares.

people feeling scared around you for no reason

a small fluffy adorable dog that follows you around that turns into a terrifying gigantic wolf and can melt into the shadows-like what?

and an old granny trying to kidnap you.

ROs

I decided that the ROs will obviously be the other horsemen which are…
~ Conquest
~ War
~ Famine
~ Death

Updates
25/10/20

I finished the route for Famine and War and I could not for the life of me think of anything to write for Famine so it’s short. On to chapter 2 now! hahaha. I also added a non-binary option for my pals and a changed the end a lil bit.

Here’s the Demo and I also have a Tumblr :]

236 Likes

i haven’t tried the demo yet but do the premise sound awesome and unique (:

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Finally, the game where I can be a potato. \jk

The premise does sound interesting, so good luck~

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Though brief, the Potato route was hilarious, and entirely worth it. :rofl:

You have a pretty good story here, and I’ll look forward to reading more as, and when you feel like adding your next update. Schedules aren’t necessary to the creative process; take your time having fun with it! :blush:

5 Likes

I enjoyed this very much always had an interest in the horsemen… reminded me a bit of darksiders.

Also small error near the end when conquest brought me home I was a male thou I was described as a woman( her, sister, etc…) overall good story I love the premise keep it up.

2 Likes

Hey, interesting wip, I enjoyed it so far.
Whoever, when Conquest takes my MC home and starts talking to the MC’s sister, the MC’s pronouns appear as female in the dialogue when I selected the MC’s gender as male, you should check that out.

Best of luck with the Wip!

3 Likes

I really love the premise of this and I think I’ll happily follow this story along as it progresses.

I did notice quite a few spelling mistakes (particularly commas and points).

I’ll give an example with this bit:

Your text

“I’m fine Death” you assure her. Her brow knit in concern eyeing your blood soaked clothes “you were gone for some time, we were worried something had happened to you”

“nothing happened to me but the boy here is injured” you gesture to the injured child.

She crouches down to their level raising her hand to the boy’s neck before stopping. She looks at the child “may I” she asks with a soft voice. They nod, giving her permission she slowly tilts his head to the side and examines his wound. After the examination she puts some ointment on the wound and wraps a bandage around it, she gives the boy a smile and he returns her smile with his own.

“don’t worry little one, the wound isn’t deep and should heal in a few days” She turns to the young girl, and with her permission she examines her as well, putting ointment on the scratches she received.

You’re about to leave to check on your horse when Death gently grabs your wrist. “please sit” you know she won’t stop bugging you until you sit so you do as she says. The adrenaline of the battle fades away, replacing it with fatigue. You wince when you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your side.

Noticing Death lifts your shirt, revealing a gnash on your side. you hadn’t realised you were injured, you just assumed the blood was from the demons you killed. With the adrenaline wearing off you start to really feel the pain.

“Not so fine now are you” she clicks her tongue.

“I’m immortal remember” you remind her.

“You may be immortal but you still bleed and feel like every other mortal, remember.”

Same text with corrections and some things I felt sounded better

“I’m fine, Death,” you assure her. Her brow knits in concern as she eyes your blood-soaked clothes. “You were gone for some time, we were worried something had happened to you.”

“Nothing happened to me, but the boy here is injured.” You gesture to the child.

She crouches down to his level, raising her hand to the boy’s neck before stopping. She looks at the child. “May I?” she asks with a soft voice. He nods, giving her permission. She slowly tilts his head to the side and examines his wound. After the examination, she puts some ointment on the wound and wraps a bandage around it, giving the boy a smile which he returns gingerly. [I put “gingerly” in there cause the shorter sentence I created sounded off without an added description.]

“Don’t worry little one, the wound isn’t deep and should heal in a few days.” She turns to the young girl, and with her permission she examines her as well, putting ointment on the scratches she received.

You’re about to leave to check on your horse when Death gently grabs your wrist. “Please sit.” You know she won’t stop bugging you until you sit so you do as she says. The adrenaline of the battle fades away, replacing it with fatigue. You wince when you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your side.

Noticing, Death lifts your shirt, revealing a gash on your side. You hadn’t realised you were injured, you just assumed the blood was from the demons you killed. With the adrenaline wearing off you start to really feel the pain.

“Not so fine now, are you?” She clicks her tongue.

“I’m immortal, remember?” you remind her.

“You may be immortal, but you still bleed and feel like every other mortal, remember?”

I honestly can’t tell you why, when and how some rules apply. Those were just some quick edits I know intuitively. And I’m pretty sure I missed some commas cause they suck and omg why do they exist. I get those wrong all the time. So you’re not alone! :smiley:
Some general rules, though:

  • Question marks shouldn’t be forgotten
  • Capitalize the beginning of every sentence, even if it’s a spoken sentence.
  • The exception is when you continue a spoken sentence:
    “Like this,” she said, “and this.”
    Then you put a comma and continue with a lowercase “she”.
    If it’s not something like “she said”, “he asked” etc. Then it will look like this, though:
    “Don’t worry.” He shrugged. “At least I won’t.”

So this is just a small sample and I’d recommend you go through your WIP again to check (or get someone else to check - the smart way). :slight_smile:

On story aspects:
The biggest issue for me when I played was that I chose a non-alcoholic drink at the end and still the story continued as if I was drunk - which makes no sense. On the flip side, if I had chosen an alcoholic drink I would have preferred having control over whether the MC got drunk or not.

Which brings me to more subjective feedback:
I would like more control over my MC. Right now, their personality has some set traits (like kind, independent) which are usually ones I choose anyway, but I’d still like to be able to choose it myself. Notable moments: when the doctor checks on you in the bathroom. I thought “this is weird”, but the MC’s answer is set to be kind and thoughtful, but there are so many other options.
Or when Death gives you the bitter medicine! You could have any one of these options for flavor:

  • She’s right, you wouldn’t have taken it. That cheeky little shit.
  • You look at her confused. That doesn’t sound like you.
  • “You’re confusing me with War.” [War is just an example]
  • You don’t comment.

So those are just my two cents :slight_smile: Happy writing!

14 Likes

I LOVED BEING A POTATO!
I haven’t played the entirety of the demo yet except for the potato route but… BOOKMARKED! xD

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This is one of the best thing I ever read

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I love this. It needs work but for a first draft of the beginning it’s really good

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War…war never changes. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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I forgot to take a SS but in the hospital when we meet the doctor, she was referred to as “women” twice though I think 'twas supposed to be “woman” - hehehe!


I chose the ‘nervous’ option ~ I suppose the bottom one is for another choice?

In the bar with Casper and meeting Willow
image
I chose the non-alcoholic drink, Shirley Temple but ended up “drunk” anyway. The next passages also confirms that MC indeed gets drunk. hehhe

your WIP really is interesting, and I’d like to see more of it.
Anyway, I’m no expert but I heave read a lot of CoG WIPs… I think the delivery, some dialogues need a lil bit of polishing but all in all, I think you’ve done well. :+1:

3 Likes

I thought pestilence was one of the 4 horseman?

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I played the potato route. Man, that was freaking hilarious :joy:

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The premise sounds super interesting!!! And im always a sucker to playing a MC that has negative powers

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The premise is really awesome!! There’s a few mistakes but I liked what you got so far, keep up the good work.

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Sounds amazing so do we have memories before twenty one of growing up and knowing about the time we are in

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Sounds fascinating!

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I liked it very very much, and I am very interested to see where this goes, best of luck!

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AFAIK conquest and pestilence are one and the same.