The Fallen Order Updated June 15th

Jake8517 · 2018-04-11T02:02:57.893Z

Two things, One thank you for replying. and two it would be like slavery as this is the post apocalypse and what to do with The roman Confederacy an their citizens and party’s and slaves
then there is what to do with the your own nation do you want to go Socialist, communist Nationalist or Fascist even. these issues will be guns disapproval of the government. Will your Nation be Ruled by Tyranny or Hope. you will also deal with foreign polices like Fallen France.

what will be able to do is simple kind of you will shape the nation in your image

also sorry the demo is so short, I wanted to get to a point where it could be shown to other people but as early as possible. so tell me if you liked it and if you have any criticism. and tell me what you like to see

ruhenri · 2018-04-11T11:03:41.739Z

Thanks for the quick reply.

I’ll try to be as honest and respectful as everyone should be, and take my criticism as a constructive one, not something that should turn you off writing. You know, if there is a suggestion I would make regarding your demo, it would be to be careful about grammar. I mean, having a good writing is half the job of capturing people’s interest, and so far I have encountered not so few things that might explain why people haven’t shown much interest in your WIP. From this chunk of text alone:

«My grandfather had great plans for thin [this?] nation,the [the lack of space after the commas is a constant] utopian ideal. Now it has been reduced to a pile of rubbish. i stand [you constantly ignore the periods and the necessary use of uppercase afterwards] there looking out to the thriving city [instead of telling the reader it’s a thriving city, you should show it. Talk about the people, the cars, the buildings, the trade, I don’t know, whatever makes it a thriving city] of new berlin [it should be New Berlin], it has been a utopia [instead of saying it has been an utopia, you should say in which way, what is so good about it?] since the formation of the commonwealth. but as you go father [farther?] out, it becomes chaos [chaotic would be better]. The Nationalist [plural, since you aren’t mentioning a party but a group of people who share a certain ideology] want to tear down every thing my grandfater belived [grandfather believed] in, and the radicals will create a nation ruled by fear to repress that. both must be stopped That was when my assiataint [assistant? I mean, you shouldn’t tell this kind of stuff, you should put the PC living through the day and living through the assassination attempt] Marcus came in pulling out his gun. “you will die Reichsman Gray” He yells before the New Berlin police rushed in [don’t tell the police rushed in, show them breaking the door and running towards him, stopping him before he can shoot]. as he kneeled to the ground he yelled “Hail the Soviets”»

So, my advice would be: be careful about the way you write, and make sure to double check it, triple check it, and even more before posting a demo or updating it. We are in this because we all like reading and role-playing, but if one takes us off the other, people start to lose interest. All the time I was reading your demo I was acutely aware that I was reading a piece of text, not living a story, not living what the PC lives, just hearing about what he has done in his life and reading words. I am not trying to turn you off your project, quite the contrary. It’s an interesting project and if you take the time to improve your writing, understand what works for the readers (the good old show don’t tell rule, for example) and be careful to revise your writing a great deal of times, you have will end up with an interesting project, and some followers that will fall in love with your world and thus motivate you to keep writing.

You know, writing isn’t really a gift for 99.9% of the writers, it’s just the product and consequence of very hard work. There wasn’t (probably) a single first draft in history that was near perfect or even that good. When we see a good piece of text and think to ourselves “damn, I would like to be able to write like that”, we should really be thinking “damn, I would like have the willpower to invest such a huge amount of time in improving my writing and my book”. That’s especially true for someone like me, given that English isn’t my first language, and my language operates differently (literary and sense wise) from it, but it is a tendentially truthful statement for everyone.

If you correct some of the problems I told you about, especially the grammatical and immersion ones, you will end up with a pretty promising WIP. There is a big interest in political WIPs in this community, and there are many around (btw, you should check out “United We Fall” as an example of good immersive writing, solid world-building, and great political role-playing choices).

Good luck with your project, I’ll keep an eye on it, it’s a promising one.

P.S. The great amount of edits my post has should be proof enough that I should definitely learn from my own advice and start revising stuff before posting

Jake8517 · 2018-04-11T20:17:00.981Z

Thank you for telling me this, I do try to find these mistakes like the Thin nation, I had thought I had fixed that. and like you said I should double check. also do you mean United we Stand because you wrote United we fall. also what would you like to see. and if you don’t know as I did not explain yet a reichsman would be a senator in America.

ruhenri · 2018-04-11T22:25:04.983Z

No problem, I like to help, I just don’t have the time to do it more often.

I did mean United We Stand, I mixed up the name of the WIP with his previous game Divided We Fall.

Jake8517:

and if you don’t know as I did not explain yet a reichsman would be a senator in America

Ahh, well, that explains it. As I said, maybe you should think about introducing the player to the setting more naturally, like through a walk to work through the city or something that would allow you to show and tell (don’t take the show don’t tell rule to its extreme, some telling is always healthy and necessary) the basics of the setting (don’t overdo it).

Jake8517:

I do try to find these mistakes like the Thin nation, I had thought I had fixed that. and like you said I should double check

That is quite normal. I mean, if I have learned something through the years that might help you deal with that is this: give it some time. Write it, revise it and then wait 2 weeks (just an example, but no less than one week) before revising it again. It will do you wonders, much more productive. After working on the same piece of text for too long, our brains stops seeing it objectively and we will always miss stuff that would be noticed if we had give it some time and built some distance. It applies to anything you right, from a college paper, to a work report or to a novel.

Jake8517 · 2018-05-04T18:25:20.428Z

Hello what would you like to see as post apocoliptic Nations

Fascist Britian.
Scotland Ireland England Wales
socialist france
democratic france
russia dictatorship
russia monarchy

0 voters

Arcane_warrior · 2018-05-04T22:10:41.315Z

Fascist Britain sounds funny as hell

Jake8517 · 2018-05-05T20:49:15.548Z

It sure Does. Now would they hail Oswald mosley as god or Edward VIII.

Jake8517 · 2018-05-05T20:55:28.481Z

I’m closing the first poll on Monday and chapter 1 is up, not finished at all. all that there is a working first choice.

The Ceaser update is nearly out. check back in one or two hours

LauraSikdar · 2018-05-05T23:02:40.551Z

Hi, just played through your WIP! I looked for errors as you asked, I hope this doesn’t come off as offensive!

What will you do the [to?] the new nations of this world, [? (instead of a comma) Stab] stab them in the back and watch them crummble [crumble] or [instead of or, I think you should put a comma, because you state three types of actions to be taken] sesied [seize] the land for your self or will you united [unite] the planet under an [a] Global alliance [?]

after [After] the detonation of doomsday. [, (instead of a period)] a bomb that caused the end of the world and created a crater that consumed berlin germany [Berlin, Germany]. now [Now] you live in the capital of the new order, New Berlin, a ring city that has tunnels leading to Kaiser manor. [,] the palace of the king of the new order. [But] but

As for the stats page:

This is your veiw [view] on the Old Age nations of earth
America:
Embracment [Embracement] of customs: 50%
Condemment [Condemnation] of customs: 50%

The mistakes I noticed seem more like capitalization and stops and pauses/period and comma errors than anything else. I don’t think I have nearly enough experience writing to constructively criticize your storytelling, but from what I’ve seen so far, it’s understandable. Once you get to update the demo, I do think writing with more descriptions of your world will help engage the reader more

I’m an aspiring writer as well, so I really hope this motivates you rather than discourages you! Cheering you on!!

Jake8517 · 2018-05-06T01:21:37.193Z

@LauraSikdar thank you it does not discourage me at all nor offend me you don’t have to worry about that anything that would I don’t give a crap. and it fine about the criticize my work as in spelling mistakes, not like this is a piece of crap.
as you can see the first 6 comments on this thread are mistakes like that. I just bad at noticing these things.

Jake8517 · 2018-05-06T02:10:17.443Z

What path do you like the most.

Socialist nation, Communist MC
Socialist nation, Socialist MC
Socialist nation, Nationalist MC
Nationalist nation, military MC
Nationalist nation, nationalist MC
Nationalist nation, Socialist MC

0 voters

Jake8517 · 2018-05-06T02:19:57.794Z

LauraSikdar:

after [After] the detonation of doomsday. [, (instead of a period)] a bomb that caused the end of the world and created a crater that consumed berlin germany [Berlin, Germany]. now [Now] you live in the capital of the new order, New Berlin, a ring city that has tunnels leading to Kaiser manor. [,] the palace of the king of the new order. [But] but

Once again thank you for helping me. but which path was that in

LauraSikdar · 2018-05-06T04:21:29.350Z

Sorry! For my choices, I believe they were: nationalist kingdom > maintain status quo

Jake8517 · 2018-05-10T11:26:54.425Z

Hey The Diplo update is out so play

Jake8517 · 2018-05-10T11:27:27.994Z

What would you like to see in the diplomacy section

Jake8517 · 2018-05-14T02:34:01.247Z

Hello The ReichsHall update is out, there may be bugs so please tell me
The nationalist path is broken, so please help me with that it go through the first chapter fine but once you hit next chapter it breaks and says there nothing there would you play again so help

Edit: I’m editing this post nearly a month after I posted it, but the nationalist section of this post is outdated and obeslite

DUNGEON_MASTER · 2018-05-14T18:01:31.281Z

I’ll be posting all the errors i could find

Error: prolouge line 53: Expected option starting with #

( Repeated in line 54 ) Solve by indenting the line 53 and 54 by one indent

Error: Chapter1 line 5: increasing indent not allowed, expected 1 was 2

( Repeated in line 6 ) Solve by De-indenting line 5 and 6 by one indent

Error: Chapter1 line 12: increasing indent not allowed, expected 3 was 4

(Repeated till line 56) Solve by De-indenting by one indent from line 12 to line 56

Error: Chapter1 line 57: increasing indent not allowed, expected 3 was 5

Solve by De-indenting line 57 by two indent

Error: Chapter1 line 70: increasing indent not allowed, expected 3 was 4

(Repeated till line 96) Solve by De-Indenting from line 70 to 96 by one indent

Error: Chapter1 line 114: increasing indent not allowed, expected 4 was 5

Solve by De-indenting line 114 by one indent

This should make the game better

Jake8517 · 2018-05-14T19:15:11.922Z

Thanks you, This is very helpful, second thing aren’t you on the oval office thread how’s that going

DUNGEON_MASTER · 2018-05-15T05:59:51.658Z

The update is nearly complete

Jake8517 · 2018-05-22T02:08:12.687Z

Yes!!! that was one of the first games i played on the forum since i love politics and i just can’t wait

Now i would ask how soon but that against forum rules so i can’t.

now i think i know the answer to this but should you be able to chose gender/name

fixed name and gender
chose gender/name
fixed names chose genders

0 voters