Thank you, I’m glad to hear! I was worried that my writing might come off as, uh, kind of snobby and preachy? I know it’s short, but I quickly wanted to throw out this little teaser to gather some reactions. The rest of chapter 1 is already well under way.
@Blackbird im already in love! everything flowed so well. the descriptions, the choices and just everything! i cant wait to read more!
Aaaaaahh thank you!! You have no idea how glad that makes me feel!!
Arggh, cliffhanger!!! Why are you doing this to us?
Seriously now, I really really love this story so far. That intense beginning, the writing style, the narrative rhythm… I can’t wait to see more
Heyyyy THIS was great! Good to see another excellent W.I.P I can stalk!
Your writing is very good. Is the story good as well? No idea yet, it’s too early to say. But the prose…
Your feet catches on something prickly
Your pain exceeded it’s limits long ago.
I like what’s here, and the plot has my attention.
Just from the descriptions of the ROs I am already intrigued and itching to pursue most if not all of them? So that’s new. And your prose is descriptive but not overly so. All in all: more soon please!
It makes me pleased to hear that the cliffhangers already have you on the edge. Heh, heh, hee.
Oh yes I already have a stalker, I’m in the big leagues now!
Thank you, I was very nervous about the prose but this makes so glad to hear. And thanks for catching those little grammar mistakes!
I hope I will be able to keep that attention with what I have in store for you…
Oh that’s so great to hear! They are a turbulent bunch for sure, but I look forward to introducing them to you all…
This is pretty good so far. Do you have a tumblr that you can post updates to?
Not yet. It feels like I should put out a bit more content first until it’s viable to create a Tumblr page, unless people want me to?
Hmm~ I’ll have to bookmark this one~ It’ll definitely be an interesting one to watch~
To be fair, I’m all for anything romance oriented. So when you said it has a heavy focus on relationships and romance I was already hooked.
Glad to hear that hooked you in.
The romance aspect is definitely one of my main ambitions in this game, but at the same time it won’t play out as a dating sim. People are complicated, and so I have tried to make my characters complicated. They will react drastically differently to different MCs, and pursuing a romance may reveal new parts of their personalities you didn’t know existed…
Pursuing or not pursuing a relationship with certain characters, will also drastically alter the story.
Basically there are 5 states of relationships you can have with a character, and 3 different flavors to 2 states of romance, for a total of 9 distinct types of relationships with each character, and that’s without MC personalities taken into consideration. Yep. Let’s see if I’ll manage to get through this with my sanity intact.
So far I like what I have read. I am curious as to who The Hunter is, and why they want the Main Character dead
So, I decided to punch the Hunter, but the action reads a bit off?
I swing a fist, he dodged. Okay.
I pounce with wolfish haze (so I’m a werewolf? Ok), he dodged again, but my claw is deep inside his arm?
And then forceful limbs lash out. Mine or him? Oh, him.
His weight crushes my lungs. So it wasn’t a forceful limb lashing out, then?
We’re in a “knife struggle” where I have to keep the knife from stabbing my face. But it penetrated my skin a bit, then it twisted. Except the knife is now on his arm somehow?
The fight scene is haphazardly goes back and forth with no clear description who is doing the action and who is on the receiving end.
It was only the beginning & I’m already hooked~ Can’t wait for the update!
Thank you for your feedback.
No one is a werewolf in this story, but the sentence is meant to convey what you feel like. What I’m trying to convey, not only in the scene but in the writing itself, is a sense of urgency. As you might have observed, all 3 of the choices are instinctual respones: fight, flight or freeze. These are sort of automated responses outside our direct control, and so the feeling I’m going for is a sense of detachment of sorts, which is why I wrote it the way I did.
But if it’s confusing instead, then clearly it doesn’t work, so I will go over the scene again and see if it I can make it flow more nicely. Thank you again!
Don’t be afraid to give constructive criticism people, I’m not an author and I’m only doing this as a passion project. Feedback helps me make this story more enjoyable for you all!
EDIT: I adjusted the scene a little, hopefully it clarifies some of the worst confusions.
Question about the fight scene: Did anyone else understand it like the MC is a werewolf? The scene is meant to feel “animalistic”, but if that gets across like the MC is an actual werewolf then I’ll have to go over it again.
I’d say I was a little confused as well, especially the bit about my claw going into his arm. The MC hasn’t been defined at this point so I sort of just went with it, but it could probably be made clearer that we don’t have actual claws (unless we do, of course ).
Would simply changing “claws” into “nails” alleviate the confusion somewhat?
Here’s the updated verison of the scene:
Your knuckles lick the wind as he avoids your punch with an easy leap. His nimble steps circle around you with a predatory glee. His body hunches in anticipation, an invisible grin taints the air. You spin around in a wolfish haze, nose wrinkled and teeth clenched.
You pounce. He dodges. The hand rises, the knife sparks menacingly in the dark. You leap back and dig your nails into the flesh of his arm. It bends back, his body collides against a soggy trunk. Something cracks. A moment of triumph. Forceful limbs lash out in vengeance. You stumble backwards and spill into the mud.
His weight comes crushing hard down your lungs. A jagged breath leaves your chest. A hand holds you down by the collar. You press back as the blade approaches your throat, closer. Closer. A sharp tip punctures your skin. A small drop of blood joins the raindrops.
And then the knife twists back around, penetrating deep into his shoulder.