The Evil Hound I : Awakening (WIP)

Hi everyone!
I’ve been working out with my first game story (HumExt Project AGE) and ended up to call out the WIP and let my myself to reimagine it. So, now, I introduce to you the new and reimagined of it, The Evil Hound.

By the way, always wear face masks and do proper hygiene frequently such as take a bath and washing your hands to prevent from spreading the Virus. Stay at home and keep safe as always! :heart:

About and Plot

Genre: Science Fiction

The Evil Hound is the story about the human enhanced genetic code and alteration of DNA sequence to enhance and empower the human abilities. This human experimentation went failed and instead of super human, they turn into horrifying monsters and undeads.

In so many years, I have been a puppet of this organization. Killing is my whole life, and serving this organization is my blood and my breath. I am nothing without them, but everything has changed.

I am now their greatest threat, their despair, and their downfall.

I discover that this organization is currently experimenting with new weapons. I don’t know for who and its purpose, but one thing is for sure that is our greatest end, our extinction.

I need to stop it at all costs even my own life.

Romance

Lucas (Male) or Hailey (Female) Campbell - the IT Expert of Eagle. 23 yrs old.
Alyssa Hawkins (Female) - the Support of Eagle I. 18 yrs old.
Harold Jenkins (Male) - the Captain of Eagle I. 35 yrs old. The father-like of the group.
Akihiro Nasai (Male) - the typical Japanese guy (spoiled info here: but in the real, he is the top agent sent by SAVIOR org). 28 yrs old.
Dr. Xavier Mendez (Male) - the Virology Department Head of SAVIOR. 30 yrs old.
Dr. Daisy Howard (Female) - the newest Biologist of SAVIOR. 25 yrs old.

Hidden Items About (read)

The story flows with your choices (as usual) but there’s something that you must know, there are so many secrets in this game that will help you to take some advantage to every events. You can find them and also lose them so, think before you to click. :smiley:

Please, check this out! :smiley:
This is the link of my DEMO game in dashingdon (oh btw thank you dashingdon! :smile:)
https://dashingdon.com/go/6084
I hope you will spend some time to read my WIP and leave a helpful comment here or in private message. I want to read any of your feedbacks that can help to improve my writing skills.

I appreciated to those people who read the old version of this story, Humanity Extinction!

Thank you in advance for leaving a word after you read :heart:

Working Out: Changing Perspective… 7/1/2020
current version: 06.20.2020
last updated: June 20, 2020
Next Update: Chapter II

this is just my learning and sample wip. all tips, and things-to-be-noted can help my new project: in terms of writing syle, and etc.

80 Likes

I love the premise,but there are a few things I would like to say.The pacing feels a bit off:first we’re running away,then we get captured,before escaping in in the same chapter.Also,why weren’t we killed?We were told that we would be,but we a just captured instead.I also can’t access the stats.Regardless of this,I think that this was great,and I’m eager for more. :smile:

4 Likes

Oh hey, i am so grateful that you leave a comment here. Anyway, I am glad that you love the demo and about that …

yeah, It’s kinda confusing…:grin: I forgot to remove about the shooting scene haha. About the stats. Maybe while you were playing the game, I already updated it. hehe it’s ok now. Can’t wait to have you in my story journey haha. Arigato!

3 Likes

Pretty awesome premises, keep up :+1:

3 Likes

Is a bit fast paced, but the writing is good. Found some mistakes though

Summary


A suggestion but maybe change playerself to yourself or individuality? I think its reads better.


Wrong pronoun


Sentence is a bit weird. “…with his arms crossed to his chest” or just his arms crossed.


Stat isn’t increasing. Though i think the personality stats works.
Another thing is I cant pass the inventory section. I try to go to the metal door but its keep sending me back. Not sure if is the end or just me being a dummy.

3 Likes

yeah, I noticed it… it is a code name (not as stats name) while you don’t have a name in the story, but anyway… I changed it into “New Identity”
About the other problems are now fixed but… about the chapter 1 (the metal door thing)… It is neither an error nor the end, but actually, you missed something. (spoiler info here: After you leave the chamber, goto inv room then click the first 2 options then goto the metal door. It is working.)

2 Likes

Just a tip:

Don’t *create both stats for an opposed pair.
Any changes made to the second stat (like warm in cold/warm) won’t be shown by the bar in the stat screen, as the game only recognises that as tracking the first stat.
(That’s why the changes to cleverness doesn’t show up.)
If you need to check a second stat of a pair, you instead check the first one:
*if cold < 40 instead of *if warm > 60

3 Likes

Oh… hahaha now I know. Thanks for your tip! :grin: that’s really helpful b’cuz i thought need to do it for both stats. Arigato!

3 Likes

So as Book_Devourer said pacing is a little awkward. But I liked the opposed stats. I think it adds a little more depth to the character like in the Samurai of Hyuga series. The MC having its own thoughts and comments about the situation is enjoyable. Looking forward to the next updates.

2 Likes

I am so happy to read your feedback and thank you for liking the stats and mc perspectives in a particular situation. I will try my best to not let you down! :smile:
by the way, I sent you a pm and I hope you will check it out. Thanks again.

Sounds interesting need a save through

3 Likes

…it says nonbinary inclusive but doesn’t have a nonbinary option? I’m confused XD

1 Like

Hi, @ChibiKittens. Yeah, I didn’t notice that non-binary option is still in comment command XD. thank you for notifying me about it. :slight_smile: It’s fixed now and available.

@Harley_Robin_Evans After I saw your comment about save, I’ve to work hard to do it. And boom! i successfully put the CJW saveplug-in and I am so happy HAHAHA :smiley: it’s been a couple of days before I figure it out on how to do it. thank you! :smile:

1 Like

I like the inventory part, seems like different choices you make will give you the option of acquiring stuffs which I think its cool… looking forward to read more.

found: I saw the evil face of a man who turns against her comrades. (should be woman, since I choose she) .

the whole I stuff…kinda confusing. Is that our character ? I’m used to ‘You walk, you grab…you shoot’ .

found: (But anyway, to whom are you attracted the most ?) (remove the most and replace it with ‘attracted to’ . Cose it imply that the player is attracted to more then one gender but like one more then the other, where for exemple as a lesbian the most wouldn’t apply to me) .

found: I don’t have any explosives and I remember that I already used my last grenade earlier which doesn’t go well. (replace doesn’t with didn’t) .

found: It didn’t explode and I don’t know the particular reason about it. (replace: it didn’t explode and I don’t know why. *you can add here something like * I will have to figure out that later. )

found: Anyway, I groped around my belt, and found nothing, but only my pick-lock and my ID card. (so many issue with this line. First you don’t grope. you pat yourself looking for a lighter, a pen, a pack of cigarette. Also, unless its batman belt, peoples don’t put lock pick and ID in a belt. You can replace it with 'I padded down my pants and found a lock pick, and an ID card (if the character wear a jacket or a coat, they can put an ID card there) .

found: Suddenly, I heard footsteps at the end of the hallway where I came from. As I look around, I saw a man standing there and looking straight to my eyes. (replace: I glance back the way I came as I hear footsteps, and I see a man standing there, glaring at me as our eyes lock ) .

found: “You can’t run anymore, Serpent!” (weird phrasing, someone declaring that usually either have the character surroundered or injured, or they are aiming big guns and they are defenless and can’t escape.’’ You can change it to ‘‘There is nowhere for you to run, Serpent!’’ OR ‘’ You can’t keep running away Serpent!’’ OR ‘‘You aren’t going anywhere Serpent!’’ . (writing serpent 3 times, I feel like we are playing as that douche Serpent from Jade Empire XD)

found: Holy crap! (Holy crap is a declaration of surprise and awe, when you are outnumbered, or about to be toasted ) if it is not the case, you can replace it with a simple ‘‘Well…shit!’’

found: Threaten him with your walk. (Okay, had to look what it mean, so you do a slut walk then run away ? facepalm lol joking! hum, let see, you can change it to something like ''Advance on him and intimidate him* )

found: I slowly but confidently walk towards him as my glorious and scary grin appears across to my face that makes this guy step back, and from the looks of him, he seems scared… WHAT THE! (I take a step forward, as a scary grin grow on my face, and the guy take a step back . Not so sure anymore, as fear grace his face . But before I could do anything…)

found: Two other men arrived in the hallway with RIFLES! (Two mens show up out of nowhere, pointing their rifles at me! )

found: RRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN! (Time to run!)

found:
Without daring to look back, I speed up my pace while they are shouting and firing warning shots just to make me stop, but sorry, I’ll pass. As I run quickly in this very fucking long hallway, I look at these glassy walls and found some reflections of my friends chasing me. There are 3-No! 7 GROUND INFANTRY UNITS chasing me!
(Without looking back, I speed up my pace away from them as they keep shouting and firing warning shots in the air to make me stop, but I won’t, I’ll pass. I run as fast as I could in this fucking long hallways, the glassy walls show me reflections of my friends chasing me. I glance back and see 3- No wait! 7 ground infantry units after me! ) .

found: I don’t have any weapons; only a metal case is in my hand. No matter what happens, I need to destroy this case as soon as possible because I know where I would end up. I either destroying it or die for trying. (I don’t have a weapon, and the only thing I’m carrying is the metal case in my hand. No matter what, I need to destroy this case as soon as possible ! (I know where I would end up? thats a weird sentance) , it’s either destroy it or die trying. )

found:
I luckily ended up in the Central Platform, which leads to five more ways, especially to the Purification Chamber, but WHY THE FUCKING GATEWAYS ARE CLOSED ALREADY! No-OPEN! They are-WHAT THE HECK!
(I find myself in the central platform, which open fire more path aways. One of them is the purification Chamber, but why the fucking gateways (Gate?) are closed already?! No! Open! They are- what the hell?! )

found:
As the doors began to open, there’s a group of men waiting behind each of it. My blood runs cold as they pointed their guns at my head. No! They can’t take this case out of my hand without crossing over my dead body.
(as the doors slide open, a group of mens stand there waiting. My blood runs cold, as they point their guns in my direction. No! they can only take this case over my dead body!)

found: “Ah… Dirty games. Oh yeah, your favorite one!” I said confidently. (’‘Ah…what a dirty move. Oh yeah, your favorite one!’’ I said.

found: “Everyone, put your rifles at ease,” a man said in authoritative way. (’‘Everyone, at ease. Don’t fire…yet’’ a man said in a commanding voice .)

found:
As I expected, they pointed their guns down, and a guy in a white tactical suit shows up behind their back. He is nobody, but the vicious and ambitious Captain of Sector 5, Captain Anthony Lee.
(They quickly follow the order, and the guns are pointing elsewhere then at me. A man in a white tactical suit show up behind the group. He is the vicious and ambitious Captain of Sector 5, Captain Anthony Lee.)

found: “Let’s make this quick and easy.” Captain Lee walks closer in front of me. “Give me the case, and I’ll let you live.” He said earnestly while his arms crossed. (’‘Let’s make this quick and easy’’ Captain Lee walks closer and stand before me, his arms crossed. ‘‘Give me the case, and I’ll let you live’’ he said earnestly . )

found: He is always sounds trustworthy, but in a million miles away from being one. (He always sounded trustworthy, but he was a million years away from being one. )

found: “If you think I’m a fool, then count me out.” I said (’‘I’m no fool, I decline your offert’’ I said.’’)

found: “Then, I’ll make this more quicker and more easier, but fair. No guns, just blunt weapons,” he smiles while stepping back behind his units. (’‘Then let’s get this over with quickly and in a simple way but a fair one. No guns, just blunt weapons’’. He smile then step back and walk to stand behind his units still waiting. )

found: “At least, I am not a coward,” I coldly said. (yeah, you really didn’t think I would go for that one ? Lol)

found: “Knock her out!” He huffed. (’‘Take her down!’’ or ‘Seize her! Make sure she live!’’ He growl.)

found:
As his units get into their fighting stance, I tighten up my grip to the case that I was holding with my left hand and make it ready for their blows. Everyone breaks into chaos and brings out their blows toward me, but I easily dodge their attacks while smashing their faces with the case. A smirk appears across to my face as the 8th-man falls in the ground unconsciously.
(As his mens get into position, I tighten my grip on the case that I’m holding with my left hand and make it ready for their attacks. (That suggest you will use the case as a weapon) . They rush me, and everything is chaotic from the get go as their blows rush toward me, and I easily dodge their blows while counter attacking using the case as a weapon. I smirk as I glance at the last man fall to the ground unconscious. )

found:
Suddenly, more guys move next to me and starts to hold my arms, my legs, and my head tightly until I can’t move anymore. Some of them are taking advantage of it by punching my body very hard.
(Suddenly, more mens show up and quickly grap me, they hold my arms, my legs and my head tightly until I can’t move anymore. A few of them punch me so I don’t resist them or shake them off. )

found:
“You have to thanks your mates for holding me down because if I am not, you’re already dead,” I said threateningly, and then, I spit to their faces.
(’’ You are lucky I can’t move thanks to your lackey, because if I do, you will be already dead!’’ I say, making the threath clear before I spit on the nearest man holding me. )

found: The guy in my left quickly snatches the case out of my hand, and after that, he gives it to Captain Lee, who soon walks closer to me. (The man on my left quickly remove the case from my hold, and rush to hand it over to Captain Lee, who grab it and walk closer to me, still being held) .

found:
“Sorry, Serpent, but your game is over,” he said assertively.
(’'Sorry, Serpent but the game is over"I am not afraid, but at least, I can’t see what this organization will bring in the future," I see is over. ‘’ OR ‘‘Sorry, Serpent. But you lost’’ OR ‘‘Sorry, Serpent. This is where your game end’’ he said assertively) .

found: (’‘I’m not afraid. And I can’t see what this organization will bring in the future’’ I said confidently. ) (The last part doesn’t make sense to me, what do you mean 'You can’t see what this organization will bring in the future ? You LOST THE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!) LOL oh wait, I think I got it now. ''I’m not afraid of dying. And I finally don’t have to see the evil this organization will bring upon the futur ‘’ How that sound? better ?

found: “Wait, do you think the organization will be happy if they saw you dead?.” ‘‘You really think the organization will be happy if you died ?’’

found: “W-what do you mean?” My mind is running wild as my thoughts and questions popping out in it. Whatever the org’s plans are obviously dangerous and not very funny. (’’ Don’t they ?’’ He is making me doubt, and questions start popping in my mind. Whatever the Organizations plans are, I know they are dangerous and they don’t have a sense of humour )

found: “You will find out soon.” (‘You will see soon.’’) .

found: He quickly pulls out the black metal stick in his back, and press it in my forehead. I try my best to get free from his units, but I am underpowered by them. (He quickly pull out a black metal stick from his back ?, and press it to my forehead. I try my best to struggle and get free from his mens grasp, but I can’t . )

found: “Wait! No!” My last words before the electricity flows deeply into my skin. (’‘Wait! Don’t you dare-…’’ Are my last words, before the electricity hit my body deep to my bone . )

found: WHAT THE! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! It is very fucking painful! I scream in pain as the heat rushes inside of my body together with an electric bolt that frying up my whole body. My vision starts to be consumed by the darkness until…

(Fuck! I let out a scream! it’s so painful, and feel the heat envelope my body as the electricity dance on every inch of skin, all the way down and as far as the bones goes. Darkness dance before my eyes as it crawl it way, and everything go dark…)

found: Everything is black. (Darkness consume.)

found: I heard someone whispering in my ears. (I hear a whisper, near my ears ).

found:
Suddenly, a sound of red alert ringing all over the places that bring back my consciousness in my body. As I open my eyes slowly, I was blinded by a blury bright beam of light that makes me blink several times before I found myself standing inside of a glass chamber filled with water.
(The blaring of alarm bring me back and jolt me awake. The sound deafening and coming from all directions. I open my eyes slowly, as a blurry light beam on my face and make me blink several times before it clear up. I’m standing inside a glass chamber filled with water. )

found: Where Am I? Agggh! (’‘Where Am I?’’ )

found:
I can’t breathe! I try to walk closer to the glass wall, but unexpectedly, I was pull back, and I felt so much pain across all over my body. I was late to realize that there are so many cords and tubes pierced in my legs, my arms, and my head. I scream in unbearable pain!
(I can’t breath! I try to get closer to the glass trapping me in, but I find myself pulled back and pain tear into my body in the process. I realize then as I glance down at my body, that there are many cords and tubes piercing my legs, my arms and my head. I let out a scream as the pain intensify ) (Under water, it’s hard to scream, remember that, and when you can’t breath, you keep your mouth closed, or you be swallowing lot of water lol ) .

found:
If I pull out these things forcibly and without care, I might end up dying in blood loss. So, I should be careful.
(If I tear these things off my body, they will probably leave hole and I will bleed to death. I should be careful, how I remove them.)

found:
I quickly grab the cords and tubes pierced in my body, one by one, and quickly pull it out. My blood slowly flows out in my skin and starts to mix with the water. As I finally pull out the last cord, I quickly run towards the glass wall and break it into pieces with my bare fist.
(I grab the cords and tubes piercing my body, and one by one, I pull them out. My blood dance in the water and mix up. As I remove the last cord, I turn toward the glass and run, breaking it into pieces with my bare hands. ) (I picked the careful approach, so you don’t do think quickly) .

found:
The glass chamber breaks into pieces, and the water flows out in it, including myself, who soon hits the ground.
(The glass chamber shatter, and the water flow out in the room, dragging me with and I end up hitting the ground. )

found: Honestly, that’s painful. (Ow…that actually hurt.)

found:
As I slowly raise my body and look around, I’ve noticed that I was inside of an empty room. I try to stand, but I quickly collapsed. I have no strength, and obviously, weak. I tried to remember anything, but it ends up giving my head an ache. Anyway, I need to act now.
(I rise slowly and glance around, I was in an empty room. I try to force my body to fully stand but I quickly collapse down. I feel weak and not strong enough to stand yet. I search my memory for anything, but that only made my head hurt. Regardless, I need to do something now. )

found:
I start to crawl towards the walls and lean myself against it to support me from walking. I was lucky to find the glass door opened, and surprisingly, I saw my reflection in it, I am naked.
(Since I can’t stand, I crawl my way to the walls and use them for support and lean against them . I’m lucky to find the glass door open, and I blink as I see my reflection. I’m naked! )

found: character creation :stuck_out_tongue:

How long is your hair? Or did you ever had? (Choose your hair)
How about the color of your hair? (What color is your hair ?)
You have a straight long blonde hair . (You have straight long blonde hair *remove the ‘a’)
Anyway, How about your eyes? What is the color of it? (what color are your eyes?)
You have a pair of gray eyes. (Your eyes are gray OR you have gray eyes)
So, how about your skin color? (what is your skin tone?)
I have a straight long blonde hair, a pair of shiny gray eyes, and flawless pale skin. Wait, where are now those wounds? I remember that I am bleeding after I pulled out those cords, but where is it now?
(I have straight long blonde hair, and gray eyes, and a flawless pale skin. Wait, what happen to the wounds? I remember bleeding after I pulled out those cords, but I’m not bleeding anymore ?)

found:
I start to squeeze my arms to check if this is real and… never mind. I think those blood are not actually from me, but maybe from the cords. I slowly help myself to walk towards the exit. As I step out, I saw a long hallway, and three doors: one in the left, one in the right, and one in the end. Anyway, I need to find any clothes because my body is shivering and it’s very cold. Where should I go?
( I squeeze the wound on my arm to see if this is real…nevermind. Maybe the blood wasn’t from me? but from the cord?. I lean and use the wall to walk toward the exit. As I take a step forward, I see a long hallway and three doors:
One to my left, one to my right and one at the end of the corridor. A shiver run over my body reminding me that I was still naked, so I need to find some clothes first. But which door should I open first ?

found: the 3 doors choice ?

1- The door on the has a sign that say ‘Project Head’ .
2- The door on the right has an Inventory sign.
3- The door at the end has no sign on it, let’s go there .

found:
My body is, somehow, not shivering anymore. I think my body regained some energy and can manage to walk right now on my own. As I walk towards the large metal gate, it explodes, and a black smoke enters the hallway that it makes me to cough several times. When I slowly take a look at the place where the explosion came from, I saw three heavily armed persons in black tactical suits. The brown-haired guy in the middle speaks.
(I notice how my body stopped shivering, maybe I regained some energy ? I test my body and can finally stand and can walk normally.
As I reach the large metal door, it suddenly explode! and a black smoke fill the hallway and make me cough several times. When I regain control, I glance back and see three heavily armed soldier in black tactical suits. One of them with brown hair, standing in the middle of his comrade speaks first .

found:
“she’s here! Get her now.” A man said with a deep, sonorous voice while the two guys are running towards me.
‘‘It’s her! Get her!’’ The brown haired one say, as his companion spring and rush me. (funny story, I picked this door and I’m still butt naked, those peeeeeeeeerv! Lol rushing a naked lady XD)

found: Wait, what do they want from me? I just woke up in the place I don’t know and knowing nothing. (What? what the hell do they want from me ? I just woke up in a tube filled with water, and I’m sure I don’t know or have whatever they want .)

found: “Hey, who are you?” I confusingly said. (’‘Just who the hell are you ??’’ I say with confusion in my tone of voice) .

found: They didn’t answer my question, but instead, these two guys grab both of my arms. I try to free myself from their hands, but I can’t. I am helpless. (They don’t bother to answer me, and instead the two rushing me grab my arms . I try to shake them off, but I can’t. My body is too weak ) (And naked…total perv lol)

found:
The man in my right pulls out his radiophone and speaks in a different language. I can tell that he is having a conversation with a woman. Wait, it sounds Russian? Yeah, they are speaking in Russian, but I heard something… familiar.
( The one on my right pull out a radio and start talking trough it in a different language. I can tell he is talking to a woman. Wait, is that Russian ? Yeah, he is speaking Russian and he said something…familiar too . ) (Talking in a radio, unless you hear the responder, you can’t know who he is talking to. And if you hear the voice this guy is contacting, you can’t know it is a woman) .

found: ‘Ivy’. Who is it, or what is it? (‘Ivy’. Who is that?)

found:
When the time I heard that word, I’m starting hear some voices all around like… they are whispering. Wait, is it someone actually whispering? Or is it just all in my mind? I take a look around and found nothing, but only these guys.
( as soon as I hear that word, I started hearing voices all around me…they are whispering. Wait, is that someone actually whispering? Or is it just inside my head ? I glance quickly around and see none beside the two soldier. )

found:
I close my eyes and concentrate to these voices merely. I just found nothing but blank world of darkness. Unexpectedly, a little girl screams.
(I close my eyes and try to focus on the voices. But I find nothing but darkness, when out of nowhere I hear a scream. A little girl screams.)

found:
Help me!’ Aghh! It’s so loud that it makes me cover my ears.
Help me, please! I flinche as the sound is loud and I reach out to cover my ears at the noise piercing.

found:
After that, it followed by another voice. ‘Don’t stop it… Ughhh’ a woman moaning softly, and I can feel someone touching my skin slowly and gently that makes my body tense up.
(The scream is followed by another voice. ''Don’t stop…Urghh* a woman moan softly, and I can almost feel someone touching my skin slowly and gently and my body tense up. )

found:
‘Please! Don’t kill me, Ivy’ A guy said, and suddenly, it follows by some gun shots and everything goes in silence that makes me to open up my eyes slowly.
(Please! Don’t kill me, Ivy!! . The voice was of a man and shortly as those words were uttered I could hear the sound of gun shots before the silence is back and make me open my eyes slowly.

found:
Who are they? Those voices are looks real and actually-no. Am I crazy?
(Who was that? Who were they? Those voices sounded real and actually-…no, I’m going crazy ?)

found:
Anyway, Let’s ask these guys a question to understand what’s happening here.
(This is the narrator asking? Change it to : I glance at the mens before me and open my mouth ready to ask them and see if they know what’s going on here )

found: “Hey, motherfuckers! What do you want from me?” I angrily said. (Its mother fuckers! what do you want from me?!’’ I ask them angrily . OR ''Hey Assholes! What the fuck do you want from me huh?!)

found:
They glared at me, and without hesitation, the man in my right punches my stomach that makes me squeal, so I cough several times.
(They glared at my words back at me, and before I could do anything the man on my right punch me to the stomach, forcing me to bend silghty over and cough several time as I try to get air back in my body. )

found:
“You punch me. Take this!” I said while thinking about my next action.
(’‘Fuck you asshole!’’ I said as I decided to…) (In battle, nobody declare to the ennemy ‘‘you punched me’’, usually they curse back and attack ‘’ ) .

the 3 choices:

1- Spit in his face (Could be replaced by Slap him)
2- Stamp his foot (My character is naked, stomping a soldier wearing boots usually hurt you…not them. I suggest you replace it with knee him in his jewelery box)
3- bite his hand . (if the character know combat, then again…biting is used if you want to disengage yourself so you can actually fight. If it isnt used like that, you can go ''Grab his arm and twist it in a choke hold or something ) .

found: (picked stomp foot)

I was waiting for the right opportunity to come before making my next move. As they finally get busy looking around, I think it’s my payback time! I quickly stamp his feet that make him squeal and reverse his arm, and push head towards my knee. He screams in pain.
(I wait for the right moment and then I move. As they start to look around, I believe it’s time for some payback! I stamp the man’s foot, and grab his arm and twist it around, forcing his head down before I slam my knee in his face ) .

found:
I am about to perform my next move, but suddenly, I heard a gunshot, and the guy in my right is now grasping in his chest. He is bleeding! I take a look around and saw three persons behind the large metal gate.
(As I’m about to do more damage to the guy, I hear gunshot ring out and the one who was at my left reach out and grab his chest. There is a hole there and blood is spreading fast! I look toward the direction the gunshot noise came from, and find three peoples standing there .)

found:
I’m terrified to see these bad guys in my side falling, one by one, in the ground with no life. I was stunned in this scenario while staring at their blanked eyes. Suddenly, someone grabs my left arm and pushes me in the wall.
(I stare scared as the bad guys start falling one by one, to the ground and never move again. I was shocked, as I starred at their lifeless eyes. I’m rudely grabbed and slammed against the nearest wall. )

found:
“Where’s the case?.” she said intimidatingly.
(’‘Where is the case?!’’ She barked at me. )

found:
This woman has a long blonde hair, light blue eyes, a fair skin and a sexy body. she wears a fitted black sweater, a dark brown pants, and black boots. she is absolutely beautiful.
(The woman holding on me, had long blonde hair and light blue eyes, with a fair skin and a sexy body to boot. She was dressed in a black sweater, some dark brown pants and black boots that kissed her legs. She was absolutely beautiful. ) And I was starring too long at her…? Lol total was XD You can add that if you want lol )

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It’d be good with proofread…
I think I found a mistake in the first page…


I am falling to the ground…
falling in the ground?


Isn’t MC already running?
But, here it says ‘I don’t know how long I can keep myself from running’, I think it should be something like ‘I don’t know if I can keep on running’…

All three Male, Female & NB all says man…
just added his, her & theirs…


didn’t

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Lol looks like you found almost all errors and mistakes… I’ll probably come back to this when these are fixed…

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that’s boom! HAHAHAHA I can’t wait to have you as proof readers just kidding. I will work this out quickly, and fix those things. I’ll catch you up later for fresh and clean slate of my story hahaha. Arigato Gozaisamu for all of your comments. @E_RedMark @Empress_Nightmare

Hey, @Empress_Nightmare, it’s been a while since the last one hahaha

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Hey @S_O_V_R_A_T_O , lol good to see new one from you… Just life always strikes at us unexpectedly like a lightning strikes at a tree :smile_cat::joy_cat::kissing_cat:

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Not actually new one, It is just reimagined version of my first game, but soon, there will be a new one haha. That’s life however. I missed your comment with a bunch of screenshots lol :smiley: and you got a new friend up there too. HAhA

@Empress_Nightmare thanks for helping out in my stories, I thought your the only one will go first to notice my grammar haha you’re late lol

@E_RedMark thank you also, I just finished RIGHT NOW. Not all of your found things, but most. :grin: you suggest more interactive and vibrant story lines than to my plain and informative way of writing. I am bad at story telling, but somehow good at reporting. :smile:

Now, I am thinking if I should be worried about the chapter 2 :grin: haha

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