Yay! It’s so much greater with her now as RO Thank you for the reply
I should be getting back to working exclusively on TEM as early as February, since I’ll be submitting Winter of the Bovine and Mass Mother Murderer to HG soon. Which characters are you most excited to see more of? Why?
Because she’s awesome.
Also Blihja, but I’m kinda scared…
Blihja and Weden because their ghostliness is pretty unique. Although I find the friendly group dynamic of the MC, Envy, Skarro, and Oztiax to be pretty fun, too.
Skarro and Weden. Actually, the team scenes with all 4 are very dynamic soooo I am Team…Team!
Blihja, Envy and Durj. I can’t help but want to romance Blihja and see how it plays out, Envy is a sweetheart and a badass at the same time and Durj… he interests me. As in, I can’t wait to pay him back for all that unwarranted hostility, especially towards Oz.
Definitely Skarro - of all your characters, he’s the one I like the most. And I’m not talking from this wip only. Btw I also really like his name
Hi, I’d really like to play though this demo but everytime I try to open the link I get this error
It may be intentional in which case I apologize.
Anyway, have a nice day!
The author is no longer a member of this forum and as such it is unlikely that this will be completed unless he decides to return.
@moderators should this thread also be closed as the WIP is currently inactive and the demo made unavailable?
This demo is no longer available at dashingdon, I assume because the author has made it inaccessible. If it becomes accessible, I will reopen the thread.
The Enchanter’s Misery’s demo is up again. Now shower me with feedback and praise and stuff.
I’m glad you’re back @Samuel_H_Young! Since my last posts were praise, here’s some feedback.
I noticed when interacting with ghosts (and especially Blihja), it seems most of our choices lean towards the MC having a “cool” or “angry” attitude. So to give an example, in the first choice we have an option that seems more indifferent than anything, an option to use anger as a mask for our fear, and then the final option that seems more cool than afraid. Would it be possible to add choices that have the MC being a coward outright despite their ghostly experience (like Luigi in Luigi’s Mansion )?
Another thing is, when Blihja begins to mess with the MC, I wonder if it wouldn’t connect us with the MC more, and be more interesting overall, if it at first the idea of it being Blihja messing with us doesn’t come up, and that we don’t know why the MC is seeing strange things. I think that way the reader feels like the MC is an unreliable narrative and really could be losing their minds (and so we feel just like them) – only for when we speak to Blihja to learn it’s her doing. Just a thought.
Typos and other things
You all put your shovels back in the small wooden building and then begin your trek back to the village, where you’ll go to the councilroom to recieve your payment from Elder Kendela.
“recieve” should be “receive”.
To your surprise, though, the scrivener suddenly furrows his brow and walks over to one of the gravestones, muttering, "Wait a second. I think I forgot something.
I think here you may want to change “scrivener” to Skarro’s name – since it’s still in the early chapters it’s a bit hard to remember who is who, and it might make it less confusing. Then in the next paragraph where it says
Then, to your horror, he
change the “he” to “scrivener” so we can connect that Skarro is the scrivener once again.
Also, there’s instances where “elder” is all in lower case – there’s some where I’m not sure if you mean for it to be just an adjective or Kendela’s title, but here’s an example:
Not everyone in Kilerth is so accepting of half-goblins, elder Kendela and Captain Durj being two of them.
So I think here “elder” should be capitalized.
He has a long, scraggly beard flecked with the occassional grey, and he has multiple prominent battlescares on his pale skin.
“occassional” should be “occasional” and “battlescares” should be “battle scars”.
Under the evily amused grin of Captain Durj, however, it seems much longer.
“evily” should be “evilly”.
Eying you pointedly, she says not-unkindly, “Hopefully with news of ghosts.”
“not-unkindly” should be “not unkindly”.
Your heart beat begins to quicken and you can feel a shiver ascend your spine as you turn back around, marching down the path with purpose, now.
Perhaps you might want to reword this – the comma and now at the end seem tacked on and unneeded. Maybe something like “…as you turn back around, now marching down the path with purpose.” Also, “heart beat” should be “heartbeat”.
As you grunt, scrambling to your feet, your see a black-clad man darting towards you, bolas gripped in his hand.
Since you already state here that we see a black-clad man, perhaps in the following line where it says
The bandit wears all black, making it even more difficult to see him in the night, but his ghostly pale skin gives him away in the dim moonlight.
It might be better to reword it so it’s not like it’s explaining the bandit’s outfit once again – so something like “the bandit’s outfit makes it even more difficult to see him in the night…”
It isn’t until the sun has crested the horizon that you finally manage to fall asleep, fatigue practically dragging you down into a fitful, albeit merciful sleep.
Since the first part of the sentence states we managed to fall asleep, the second part feels a bit redundant – it might be better if it was condensed, so something like “It isn’t until the sun has crested the horizon that the fatigue drags you down into a fitful, albeit merciful sleep.”
His voice calm and relaxing, he instructs, "Now, close your eyes and take big, deep breaths and my magic will do the rest.
Needs a quotation mark at the end.
Looking forward to chapter four.
Hey, thanks for the feedback.
I like those suggestions! Specters are considerably more rare than the ghosts the MC deals with at work, so it’s not out of the question that they really could just think Blihja’s initial interactions with them could be something natural. I’m currently focusing on MMM right now, but when I get back to writing this, I’ll add those things in.
I appreciate you pointing out all those typos.
I just wanna have some ghost sex with her.
I’m planning some pretty kinky shit. Like later on, the MC will be having a meeting with Elder Kendela, and Blihja wants to give them oral underneath the table while she’s invisible.
Blihja is the quintessential live in girlfriend. Literally always with you…and in you if she’s possessing you.
I thought I was the only one
Blihja best girl.