The Enchanter's Misery [3/30 Chapters, 54k words]

high-fantasy
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice
young-adult-fiction

#162

I have a pressing issue: will Weden be an RO?


#163

I think he already is a RO


#164

The ROs are listed in the original post.


#165

Well, that’s a really interesting and well written story, @Samuel_H_Young . After MMM I decided I should check your other projects and now you have a fan. Congratulations! (I’m not a creepy stalker, I promise :smiling_imp::dagger: )

I found a bug in chapter 3 after I helped Envy fighting. I chose to help so I can get the anger out of my system, but the text shows as if I have chosen 2 options at the same time:

“But I thought I told you not to help. I could have handled it myself, you know.”

You shrug and give her a mischievous grin as you say, "Sure, but this way I’ll be getting a bit of extra money, won’t I?"

Envy rolls her eyes with a sigh, and replies, “I should have known. And I thought I was the only greedy asshole.” Giving her a dark little grin, you reply, "Let’s just say I needed to get some frustration out of my system and that robber presented a perfect opportunity."

Envy laughs and says, “Well duh, why do you think I got this stupid job to begin with?”


#166

Yay :smile: It’s cool because it seems that MMM has convinced several people to check out my other works. Am I…building a readership? O.O

Thanks, I’ll fix that tonight.

Just a heads up, everyone: Chapter 4 is where you can ask Skarro/Envy/Oztiax/Zendi to be your partner. (Weden and Blihja will be sort of more “informal” relationships). :blush:


#167

Hi! I just saw that you updated. Excited to see what you have for us in store. A quick question: What do you mean by informal relationship? Could you please explain? Thank you in advance!


#168

OMG! I just read the third chapter, it is insane! In a very good way I mean. Thank you once more for such a fast update and fascinating writing of yous! I’m looking forward to your next progress!


#169

Basically Zendi/Oztiax/Skarro/Envy can be your gf/bf but Weden and Blihja would be more like friends with benefits, lol.

Thanks!


#170

Aww… I hoped for something interesting and eccentric as having Weden and Blihja as bf/gf also. Well, at least I have 4 more options. I was just curious if for example MC would have Blihja as a gf, would she change? Would she care? Something like that. But I hope that you will surprise us with something like that in the future. Good luck!


#171

Blihja’s attitude towards the MC could still change throughout the story, like in the end of Chapter 3, for example.


#172

Can’t wait :slight_smile: Gimme ma Skarro!


#173

Oh my God!

This is a very good information, many thanks for letting us know! <3 swinging flags with “Oztiax” written on them lol

By the way, I really loved chapter 3. My hothead characters losing to Blihja, not so much lol The scene with Weden and the “dream” was really really touching and I was like “SOMEBODY LET ME ADOPT THIS CINNAMON ROLL PLEASE” I really love Weden, the best kind of ghost! Congratulations on doing a job so good both with him and with Blihja! <3


#174

Thanks a lot! I’m glad you’re liking the characters so much. :smile:


#175

No, thank you. You’re the one making the fantastic stories/games, we just have the pleasure of testing them. You’re doing a great job and I’m SUPER excited about this game! :blush:


#176

Ahem. The new chapter proved to be as interesting as the ones before it. I’m glad we got an option to (semi) confront that terrible captain AND Blihja. Good job with the descriptions!

Although, I’ll have to do some replaying to get a feel for how certain scenes play out in correlation to the MC’s personality.

Long wall of suggestions regarding text. Probably contains some spelling mistakes, so sorry about that.

As ever, Captain Durj is stationed on Kendela’s right side, while the elder sits back in her throne, fiddling impatiently with her basic sceptor.
Durj clicks his tongue and eyes all of you in annoyance as your wet clothes create a trail of water, but he surprisingly holds his temper. When your group moves closer, though, she sits up in her seat, saying, “Envy, my dear. Don’t tell me robbers gave you trouble?”

I think this is Kendala speaking, but to me it reads like captain Druj is acting instead. Simply swaping the “she” with Kendala could solve the problem.

As always, you find her reaction to the rune to be a bit odd. She gets more money from the village’s clients, of course, but not enough to justify how enamored with them she seems to be. It’s almost a bit unsettling.

It might be just me, but here “with them” seems to reffering to the village’s clients and not to runes, as you have probably intended. (Plus, the two “a bit” are a little too close together for my taste. Maybe this could be rewritten as:
“As always, you find her reaction to be a bit odd. She gets more money from the village’s clients, of course, but not enough to justifiy how enamored with runes she seems to be. It is a tad unsettling.”

Which leads me to a question - does Kendala get paid more from clients, if runes are involved? If so, why?

Kendela promptly pulls a string hanging by her throne, which sets off a bell towards the back of the room.

Is this correct word to use here? Does the bell move towards the back of the room? Or did you mean to say something along the lines “sets off a bell in the back of the room”?

With the night’s pay all taken care of, Elder Kendela claps her hands together and smiles, saying, "Now, as a reward for all of your hard work, I have a special surprise for all of you.

Maybe consider dropping one of those “all” (or even both).

Magic power is channeled into the tubes, which heat up the water and suck them up into the shower head,

Er … Suck who up? The water? Then it should be “suck it up”, although this reads a bit clumsily. Can’t think of a better verb right now, sorry.

Hot water immediately begins to shower down on you, and you almost yelp as it shocks your skin.

Maybe the “water shocking your skin” might not be the way to go. I’ll have to sit on this one some more, to get an idea how to rephrase it.

The sound of Envy humming tunelessly and cheerfully fills the room, along with the sounds of splashing water and curtains rustling

Envy’s cheerfully tuneless humming fills the room, along with the …

As pleasant as your shower is, though, you can already see the water in your bucket begin to deplete rapidly.

is beginning to OR is depleting rapidly

Looking down at your own new robe, you feel another pang of guilt, and a glance at the others seems to reveal the same.

Maybe: “reveals they seem to feel the same”?

The woman never seems to look tired, and she gazes down at all of you with her eyes as cunning and discerning as ever. “You all look brand new,” she

Consider dropping one “all” OR you can also do this:
“The woman never seems to get tired and she gazes down at you, looking as cunning and discerning as ever. “You all look brand new,” she”

This is a place of luxury and officialness,

First time I’ve heard of this word. Maybe this is why it doesn’t feel right here, haha. No idea, what could replace it (or if it should be replaced at all). Maybe words like power? Value? Governing? Wisdom?

"I’m disappointed in you; you’re acting like some savage who lives in the woods.

I think there should be a comma before the “who”, but you could also write: “some savage living in the woods/savage from the wild”

He turns towards her, narrowing his eyes and clenching his jaw. After a moment, though, he smirks and says,

I’d replace the “He” with “Captain Durj/Durj” for clarity.

With that, he stalks back into the councilroom without another word.

Maybe replace with: the man, the captain, Durj etc. to lower the count of “he” in the last few lines.

Oztiax wasn’t given one of his own, of course, but he huddles underneath Envy’s umbrella.

but --> so, can drop the umbrella

After the adrenaline from the graverobber attack and Captain Durj going crazy has finally worn off, you feel like a wet rag, barely able to keep your feet moving.

With the adrenaline from the graverobber attack and Captain Durj crazy episode finally wearing off, you start feeling like a wet rag, barely able to keep moving.

Your head is all fuzzy, and it feels hot like if you had a fever.

Your head is fuzzy and uncomfortably warm, making it feel like you have a fever/as if you have a fever

The others go with you to your home like they had promised, but then quickly depart, clearly eager to get home themselves. After waving them goodbye, you quickly get inside,

You can replace one “quickly” with “swiftly”, “promptly” etc.

You suddenly realize that you’re even more exhausted than usual.

I’d just throw this out, since it has been already established that the MC is terribly tired and barely awake :slight_smile:

It seems that tonight will be another restless one.

another restless night OR It seems this night will be restless as well.

Extra: You like to use the words “all”, “though”, “smile”, “begin” and “nod” quite often. Maybe consider limiting their use, but definitely make sure that the same words aren’t sitting too closely together in text.


#177

Thanks! :slight_smile:

Wow, I appreciate all the feedback. You can tell I’m a high school drop out, haha. I’ll use these edits as soon as I get a chance.


#178

I was so into the story, that when I read hot shower I got hyped for my character. #immersiveaf


#179

Glad I could be of service :smiley:

(Unfortunately?) your WIP has caught my attention with its superb writing so I enjoy analysing your style, partly to improve mine. Which is why certain sentences caught my eye, unlike in other cases, where I mostly fly over the story.

… skimming is my only regret …


#180

Well that’s great to hear! I hope it helps. You’re already apparently very good at grammar so that’s certainly promising.


#181

This is a very interesting story. I most admire your use of dialogue. It has a very natural flow. I also appreciate the fact that even though you have a prominent writing style that is shared throughout your various works (at least those of which I am aware), you manage to bring a fresh voice to each project.