The Edge of Dawn (WIP) (02/04/20) UPDATED

Hello everyone!
Like most of you, I’ve been reading lots of projects for a while now and I got so into it I decided to try something myself.
I have to admit that I spent a lot of time pondering whether I should post this and give it a try, me being an incredible anxious dumbass, but no time like the present.
Better try and have fun doing what you like than wallowing in doubt.
As of now what I have is pretty short, but I figured some feedback could help me out!

Some quick notes: this is my very first attempt at coding and I’m also not a native English speaker, so please feel free to point out any weird stuff you see!

Features
  • Romance, friendship, banter galore.
  • Hopefully an engaging and fun adventure.
  • Play as male, female or non binary.
  • Your choices will influence the stats and the story’s progress (which maybe is a little much for a first project, but I’ll do my best to offer different paths.)
  • 4 planned romanceable characters (there could be more :eyes:.)
Premise

An unusual encounter, unknown allies, nothing left to lose but your life.
Left with no memories, you’ll soon find yourself thrown into a war that transcends time.

Do you believe in fate? Or would you rather fight the gods?

I hate writing these because I have no idea of what to say, but my starting thought while plotting this was: I want to write about things I love, maybe make it some sort of “mystery” if I can.
In The edge of dawn you play as a MC who finds themselves thrown into something that is bigger than them.
The catch? You’ve lost all your memories, except for the blurry image of a woman calling your name.
Join up with a loud group of outcasts to explore a world where nothing is at it seems, try and find out more about yourself but do it at your own risk.
Help stop the war or join forces with the Empire, it’s up to you.

Romance

All the Ros will be available no matter which gender you are, though there will be some extra lines in particular cases to make the romance feel more organic.
As of now, the only confirmed ROs are:

Julian, who has experience with both male and female partners.

Anastasia, who has experience with only male partners.

Nyx, who has experience with only female partners.

Ronan, who has experience with only male partners.

Log

02/04/20 - Bug fix; added the non-binary path; chapter one is completed; Posted the start of chapter 2 (text with code word-count 45593 / without 41270.)

I’m always up for suggestions and questions alike, so if you’re curious about anything or if you’re confused about some bullshittery I wrote, I’m all ears. :muscle: :dizzy:

Play the demo!
This wip has a tumblr!
I have a Ko-fi!

301 Likes

Love it so far. Definitely, I’ll keep an eye on this. There is a bad pronoun here

Buy his some appropriate clothes

It should be him

1 Like

Alright, first things first: I sort of want to romance everyone? I enjoyed their personalities; they are all quite amusing. That being said, I’m a bit confused by the crew being so on board with loving MC so soon into the story. Is there a reason why? Is MC like a fallen angel or something and just radiates “love me” vibes? That would be kind of awesome tbh.

I recommend not telling the player how MC reacts. There were a lot of “you laugh at their jokes” that I’m not so sure about. Maybe if MC had known these guys for years, because as of now it feels like they are way too ready to be all buddy-buddy with the pirates.

Keep in mind some people won’t insta-love your characters–not me tho, I’m digging them so far–so giving players the choice to feel less than impressed with the NPCs’ antics is always a good idea.

Oh, and the game thought my dude was a girl at the end of the demo, calling him a dame.

I think that’s it. Really cool demo, love the characters. Good luck :slightly_smiling_face:

28 Likes

Thank you so much for this awesome feedback!
I think I will play around with your suggestions and slow down the “too much buddy-buddy feel” to make it more realistic.
As for your first question, there is a reason and you will found out later on!
Thank you again <3

3 Likes

…When I read the title I CAN only think of fire emblem 3 Houses. I may just name the mc after one of the lords.

9 Likes

Oh really interesting so far! I love all the characters and honestly was surprised that Ilya and Vania aren’t confirmed ROs. Feels like some nice possible paths to take due to the feeling I get that they’ll be with us on this adventure.

8 Likes

Am I correct in assuming you’ve played The Arcana visual novel? If not, nevermind- anyways, like the story so far can’t wait to read more.

8 Likes

I quite like the set-up and mood of this story! It’s well written which makes it enjoyable to read. Particular moments I like: the way the MC asks for help at the beginning and how they see themselves as a stranger when they look in the mirror.

I do agree with pimenita on the overly positive vibes, though, so I’m glad you’re considering this. Also, my biggest wish right now would be to be able to flirt “confidently” aka make some moves myself rather than the current flirt options which are blushing only.

Very hooked on finding out more about what’s going on with the MC!

Here are also some mistakes I found:

Summary

If when we meet the lady she’s with a man by her side, don’t make anything to get on his bad side. He takes milady’s well being very seriously" he laughs, the happy sound attracting the attention of a few curious.

  • You don’t need the “if” I’m guessing
  • A few curious looks/people perhaps?

The merchant doesn’t notice, too entralled to look at the streets.

  • “enthralled”

I have many questions for you, but that would be unpolite of me" she says, cheeks turning slightly red

  • “impolite”

He clearly does it unsubconsciously, never once having shown this much vulnerability around you.

  • “subconsciously”

You don’t even want to guess how much it costed, but knowing Anastasia would cover your expenses made you feel at least a little bit better.

  • “cost”
8 Likes

I like this and we have some sort of power or something

Hiii, love the demo so far! Can I suggest adding more options to showcase the types of personality the mc has? Like just being quiet, not responding to anything, the scared type or just a lot more to show initial mistrust that will be better over time :slight_smile:

The girl at the start(sorry, forgot the name) didn’t have many scenes but thats okay considering this is only a new demo.

Please take my suggestions as a grain of salt!

Absolutely love it tho

6 Likes

I freaking love this! Cant wait for the next update!!

1 Like

PLEASE LET ASH BE A RO OHMYGOD I fell in love :joy::joy:

It’s very interesting so far! Maybe a bit fast-paced?

8 Likes



I absolutely love this story already and can’t wait for the next update.

I’m going to echo Pim and mention that I’m one of those who don’t insta-love the characters. They’re good, full of persona, but all the signs and advances they make to me (or me to them?) made me flinch. There’s no neutral “I like them, but I want to see what happens before smooch smooch” choice; it’s either positive response or cautiously-negative response.

Now, I’m not particularly opposed to hand-holding while on the street, but since the MC is implied to also take a liking in the cutesy moments to the others without my input is… well, unsettling. I’ll grab Julian’s hand, but I’m not coiling my hand and press my torso against him. That is my impression of the MC. I can’t read long without taking breaks.

If it’s of any help, I’m your male cishet demographic.


On the grammar side, there’s one thing I want to make a note: end your quotations. Put comma, period, or any other “pauses” signs in your quotations. To quote your text (no pun intended), here’s an example:

“She will be here soon. Probably got stuck thanks to the little charade” he says, giving you a thoughtful look.

Now I know each state in the US has a different grammar style, but if I remember my head, you need a comma at the end of that quote. In some cases, you need a period.

As a general rule, comma is a pause if your quote is part of a full sentence. Period is used when the quote itself is a complete sentence (or is the final phrase of a sentence). Some examples:

“Yes, I understand,” Bob said.
“Yes, I understand.” Bob looked away to the table on the side.
“Yes, I understand,” Bob said, scratching his head.
Bob scratches his chin before finally replies, “yes, I understand.”

14 Likes

Love this so far will definitely be keeping an eye on the progress :slight_smile: it’s rare a game grabs my attention this quickly well done

1 Like

I played around with all the suggestions and changed some things while fixing the coding errors and some ugly grammar.
It’s not much, but I’m going to come back to it once I finish chapter one to add more flavor (someone pointed out that the pacing feels too quick and that’s something that will change once I write all the things I have planned! This short demo was more of a way to test myself/see if the idea was interesting enough to others.)
I’m going to try and make so that everyone can shape their MC as they please, adding more reactions, only some of which will remain as they are for plot reasons.
Anyway, thank you guys so much for the lovely support, it really means a lot :sweat_drops:

17 Likes

I’ve played through what is currently available 3 times and so far I really love it! I’m already really curious about the lore and happenings of this world and I’m excited to get to know the other characters better. Justin’s great, Ilya is great, Ash is fantastic, and that strange man we can dance with is very interesting. I’m excited to see how this story develops, this is really good so far!

3 Likes

This is awesome, I’ve gone through if a few times and I’m wondering what the connection with the voice and the protagonist?

1 Like

I love the story