New update is live, it was pretty sizable at just over 10,000 words. Description is edited into the first page, and as always, let me know if there’s any bugs, typos, or just anything you really liked or disliked. Thanks!
This was a great chapter! Not only did I like Lady Emmalyn, Mr. Rostrum, and the Duke as characters, but I enjoyed how the audiences expanded the setting and worldbuilding by showing us different aspects of society. I’m also liking the dynamic between the Prince, Pat, Cinderella, and Alice already.
“And who should I make progress reports to regarding the status of the new unit?”
This choice was so difficult because on one hand, the king would clearly not be pleased that Cinderella just spent money on some cannons, so having him constantly get reports about it would be funny. But on the other hand, he probably would be happy that she recognizes him as commander of the military. Hmm…
A few things
Your stewardess is Alice, a supremely cheerful middle-aged woman that runs her mouth from sunrise to dusk.
Although I liked Alice, her introduction is rather sudden. If you play as the Prince, that is explained through her being recently hired at the palace and chosen by Cinderella, but if you play as Cinderella there is no explanation. Maybe you can add a line about how/why Alice is now the stewardess.
'Really? This seems more like a job for someone already in the military to approve."
Change the quotation mark before “Really” to a double quotation mark.
“And who should I make progress reports to regarding the status of the new unit?”
Perhaps the Prince/Cinderella (whoever is not the MC) could be an option here as well, as a way to give them more responsibilities.
You look down at your own clothes and realize how ill-dressed you seem by comparison despite your lofty status.
Maybe this line should change for a Cinderella that chooses undergarments, since if the player picks that option it appears she is aware of how ill-dressed it will appear. It also makes the line “If the lady has any concerns about your distinct lack of proper clothing, she has deigned not to let it show.” in the next paragraph a bit repetitive.
“So how many audiences do we have after the break”
Add a question mark at the end.
Looking forward to chapter four!
Oooh, all of your additional things are great observations! I actually caught the question mark late last night after updating and fixed it on my end, but the rest did not occur to me. And yeah, I know the Duke/Mortimer segments went long, but I enjoyed the choices there.
I would be happy if there were additional elements that would allow me to have a relationship with a bodyguard or secretary and some additional elements that would allow me to hire a personal servant.
A bodyguard is possible, for Cinderella. I don’t anticipate a ton of ROs; I’ve always preferred stories that had fewer of them but fleshed them out more, and will endeavor to do the same here. Including your spouse, I only anticipate the prince and Cinderella each having 3-4 possibilities.
Coming to the end of the month, doing a major writing push to try and make my February word goal. Realized I would be at a natural break within the next chapter soon, and could update then. But it would still be only half of the chapter instead of the whole thing, and I wasn’t sure whether people would prefer longer updates that are complete chapters or more brief ones in order to get new content more often than once a month or so. Ergo, poll!
- Short but sweet; let’s get smaller updates more frequently!
- Big and beefy; Let’s have fewer and more substantial story updates!
- Pie!
0 voters
Pie. Now I’m hungry.
Fascinating idea!
Thanks! I’m hoping this will be the first of several stories in a similar vein. We’ll see if anyone can guess what my next one might be. The only hint I’ll offer is that it will probably involve choosing to either stave off a war or be the spark that ignites one.
The Princess and the Pea. Insomnia is no basis for a system of government, and I feel like the citizens in her new kingdom would have been somewhat miffed their prince married her because she supposedly felt a pea underneath twenty mattresses.
Other guesses:
Red Riding Hood - Everyone is alarmed that a little girl was nearly killed by a wolf hiding as one of them and suspicion of neighbors, friends and family abounds leading to civil turmoil.
Hansel and Gretel - Witches are pissed one of their own was cooked by two children and humans are pissed a witch tried to cook two children. The balance between humanity and magical kind is thrown into chaos.
Beauty and the Beast - 18th century France is unimpressed by maiden snatching, beastiality and rival princes no one previously heard of.
Dang, these are some interesting ideas. But believe it or not, nope. Good guesses but not there yet.
I don’t have too much to contribute except some words of encouragement. I like this whole idea you have of what comes after the “happy ever after” part, and would definitely play other fairy tales in this same vein. The demo so far was fun and interesting. Keep up the good work, can’t wait to see what comes of this
The Little Mermaid - The merfolk are angered that the human prince rejected and thus killed their princess.
The Snow Queen - The fall out of the other thousands of shards from the magic mirror poisoning people’s hearts is devastating. Many humans seek to root out the Snow Queen and destroy her once and for all. Some factions want to track down the hobgoblin. Others fight each other. Still more blame the angels themselves.
The Ugly Duckling - Swans are sick of ducks’ crap.
I mean, the specifics are different, but you did guess the right story. Little Mermaid calls to me with the prospect of really leaning into a mermaid not knowing about life on land, a prince coming to terms with more or less marrying outside of his species, two societies that would have lots of animosities brimming near the surface…I feel like it is fertile territory. Although now I kinda just want a swan/duck turf war. Ducks are straight bastards, so I’d put my money on them.
@6267 Words of encouragement are always welcome! Sometimes they give the little extra kick needed to pick up the computer and write as opposed to fiddle-farting around on Twitter or Reddit, or giving in to my darker desires on Gemp.
Everybody’s gangster until a duck waddles up and blitzes them.
Well I’m glad it helps! Can’t wait to see how this plays out
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably will blitz you.
Ducks are fine. It’s geese that you have to worry about. Although in the version of The Ugly Duckling that I read, the geese are nice, albeit foppish, and exist to be killed by a hunter in one scene and make the ugly duckling feel that he is too ugly to be killed.
Ducks….(thing i was about to write but caught myself in the last minute)
Canada Geese (not to be confused with geese that are Canadian citizens) are evil- they poop everywhere, they eat everything, they bite/attack any and everyone. They ruin everything, basically.
Geese (and most other waterfowl/animals in general) are aggressive.
Background on why I consider ducks bastards:
When the world was young and I was too, we had family friends/neighbors whose younger daughter (she was maybe 14 or 15, I would be around 10 at this point) ended up taking care of a duckling. I think it was abandoned or something, not sure the specifics. In any case, she named him Kirby and raised him from a cute little pee-happy ball of down to an actual duck over the course of many months. I would go over and play with him, because hey, that’s not an opportunity one has very often, to have a domesticated duckling chill in your lap. So everything was cool, but he was getting to be mature and it was time for him to be released into the wild. So she took him to a lake where a flock of ducks lived, let him go, happy tears, I’ll miss you, all that jazz.
And then those feathery felons in the pond literally pecked Kirby to pieces right in front of her eyes. Like those comical scenes in movies or TV where someone rehabs an animal and then releases it for it to be eaten by a falcon or something, except this was far more drawn out and graphic. The moral of the story: do not step on a duck’s turf without permission. They do not truck with interlopers.
There was this odd thing where I chose to give 1,000 largesse towards village horses/mules, and then Cinderella immediately shot up to 99 cruelty. Charity being that wicked is news to me.
Also, weird dialogue thing: when I asked the servants to eat with us and Pat said no because it’s not appropriate and they already ate, choosing “I completely understand” comes up with Cinderella then expounding on how it makes sense because they must have already ate…she is clearly loved for her clever detective skills.
The people’s happiness with their leadership is some kind of invisible tab, right? If it’s not important in any way, I’d be confused.