The Day After Ever After: A Cinderella Story (First draft entirely complete as of 7/10/22, latest update 8/7/22! Word count is 202,220 including commands. Final feedback and suggestions urgently requested before submission!)

Great feedback! Lighthearted is the tone I go for in most of my writing. I’m not someone who can stay serious for long stretches.

I am surprised you got there so fast. And when you trigger the king’s low reputation event, it has an option to suck up to him and keep playing, but I guess you preferred death instead. I realize it’s not the most realistic story, even aside from the magical elements, but I did want to make it so that you can’t thumb your nose at the monarch forever without consequence. Even then, there’s ways to make him happy without being a bootlicker. As a general rule anything that saves money, maintains deocurm or is a creative solution earns his respect (like the egg choice). And if your favor with him is high enough, you can actually get him to put Alana to the side, because that’s life: people put more stock in the words of someone who is with them instead of against them.

That being said, I wonder if I should tone down a few of his negative favor moments. I wanted to make sure the subroutines at least occasionally triggered, but I don’t want it to be so crushing that it prevents certain playstyles entirely. That being said, a prince or princess who remains aggressively antagonistic to the people around them with power over their continued existence is probably going to have a rough go.

No same-sex romance options here, it’s not something I was comfortable writing and I am not a fan of gender-flip RIs anyhow.

I have never done early death scenes like this before. When I decided this game felt right to have some, my goal was to make sure they were 1. Avoidable and 2. Telegraphed as much as possible so people didn’t feel blindsided. Only y’all can tell me if I have succeeded. That being said, I doubt I would remove all of them at this late date. I have a bunch. Like, well north of 15.

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The early endings are telegraphed well, I figured something bad was going to happen when the king asked me if that’s my final decision. I was just not comfortable sucking up to the king because that was not my intended personality for the character I had in mind. However, if I had the option of sucking up to him and then flipping the bird behind his back or something similar, then I would have gladly picked it. I think that would be one way of enabling multiple kinds of antagonizing MCs while keeping the current branches intact (saying one thing and then venting when no one important is looking).

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That’s a good idea. A chance to rebel while still maintaining decorum. I have that to some extent in the stepmother scene but a couple other spots of that nature might be worthy additions.

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I must say that your story was highly enjoyable. I went into it expecting a typical fairytale reboot, but you really created a fresh and entertaining story. The lighthearted tone, the colorful characters…the egg… that’s when I knew I had chanced upon something special.

The prince and princess are so likable that it was hard to consider romancing anyone else! And I absolutely loved Fiji! The shapeshifting, calling everyone “humies”, their responses to all your dasdardly deeds in the Dark New Day branch, what a fun character.

My only qualm was that my peasant revolution didn’t result in a socialist/communist society. Because let’s be honest… democracy is just a monarchy with extra steps.

Anyway, here are some typos & errors I found!

Typos & errors

This one happens a few times. I think it should be “ensures”

Should be “word”

Should be “your”

Looks like a sentence didn’t get finished here.

This one came at the end of a run where I opted not to investigate the thief. So, nothing had happened in the story to indicate a reason Pat should be at large, or that he had even gone missing.

I’ve done a few more readthroughs since I first posted this, so here are some more typos/errors I caught:

More typos

Maybe not really an error if it’s an official title, but it seemed weird having a female referred to as “Lord”

I think there should be a question mark at the end of the first highlighted sentence, and I think you’re missing a “to” in the second part.

Spacing error here

Think it should be “in”

Think it should be “do”

Missing something here

I hope the stuff I found was helpful. Thank you for writing this story. You obviously put a ton of effort into writing so many branches, which made it highly replayable. Oh, I also really enjoyed the early death scenes I was able to find! Like someone mentioned earlier, they were telegraphed, I knew they were coming. Overall, your writing skill is rock-solid and I enjoy your humor. It makes me want to go check out NPT.

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This is both extremely flattering and very helpful. Thanks so much! I like Fiji too, and in the admittedly not that likely outcome that it does well despite being a free release, everyone will see a lot more of the fae.

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What egg ? is the egg only appear in Cinderella Route ? I am only invested in the Prince route, Oh and Can you Make a decision to Kill Ignar after the Rebellion, I mean because of him the peasant are taking their arms no ? Either by public execution or Assasination.

Oh and the Musket invention, I hope it can be used other than fighting the rebels, Like waging war with other kingdoms with less technological advancement or something.

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The egg is an option during the speech segment early on to give everyone an egg. It’s also an Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference.

You make a good point that I need to put something in there about Ingmar when the Revolution loses. Especially if you are a Cinderella that romances him.

However, I think you keep wanting this to be a war game. It isn’t really that. It does have a little bit of it, but it was not a main focus (and was hard as heck to write because there weren’t really any combat-related stats). War for the West it ain’t.

Edit: New version uploaded, should have all (or at least most) fixes, plus the full suite of 50 achievements.

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Just replayed and I’m still having trouble with the Savith romance, unfortunately. It looks like it might be connected to the srel variable. I was able to reach the ending with Ingmar, though, and the prince’s dialogue (if the relationship remained positive even as you break up) stood out to me. This was the most regal “prince from a fairy tale” moment he’s had, and it works so well because Cinderella is walking away from that dream ending.

Summary

Unfortunately, it is not your side that achieves it.
This page needs to be divided into multiple paragraphs.

Even with the kingdom shaking apart at its foundations, all you want is to be with Edward.
I had been trying to romance Savith once again, but it continues to consider the prince to be Cinderella’s RO.

Having Edward crowned beside you makes it all the sweeter.
I had the prince killed, but he was alive for certain sections of the epilogue.

Ingmar looks pretty uncertain. "I don’t know if I can go along with that idea.
Ingmar’s response doesn’t make sense if you choose the “It’s time for this monarchy to be burned to the ground.” option, since that’s what SCARE is trying to do.

There Were Never Such Devoted Sisters
This achievement only occurs if the king dismisses the stepmother, but it seems like it should also appear if the trap is planned.

Also, thanks to the achievements I decided to wish for a pony, so now I think Penelope the horse should be mentioned in the epilogue. :horse_racing:

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Well, I’d like a little more detail about the fate of the stepmother and sisters in the game’s epilogue.

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No, because me - the prince - is already awake and has no need to be awoken by Fijy. The princess is asleep.

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The MC was the prince:

Despite her well-noted problems with her family, Ella’s vitriolic response still takes you aback. Which is nothing compared to how your father and these three gobsmacked women take this tear-filled, screaming rant. Your stepmother seems so caught up in the heat of the moment that she almost forgets to draw breath. The king turns to her in alarm and places a hand on her shoulder. “Great thunder, that is too far! I know mothers and daughters don’t always get along, but this is just absurd. Leave poor Alana alone!”

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Huge catches there. I think Savith was locked out from the start. Srel never got set to 1 in his initial encounter. That would have been a problem.

I fixed that spot where the Prince shows up postmortem. If you see any others, give me a holler, because offhand I think I had them covered.

Brief Penelope epilogue added! Actually two, depending on if the magic ban was put in place. I’m a spread-making madman and must be stopped!

I fleshed out Haversham info for if the king retains his throne after a reset. Hopefully that was the only short one.

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Time to give credit where credit is due! Specifically, I am finishing up the little things before submission, one of which is the Credits page. So I need to know if and how eligible folks would like to be credited as beta testers for this story. I’m fine with real names, usernames, whatever your preference. You can tell me here or PM me, whatever your pleasure. As much as I wish I could include a couple of the anon accounts who commented, I can’t reach them. So if any of those see this, hit me up, yo.

@expectedoperator - Lead Tester
@11110
@Snowflower
@Sakura_Higanbana28
@versanius
@Eiwynn
@Petrichor
@HappyPotato
@Seri

If I didn’t single you out with an @, you may still be eligible for being included as a beta tester. I included everyone who posted in this thread 5 or more times, since that likely means that even if they didn’t provide a ton of direct feedback, they were keeping the discussion moving and the thread active so I could find other readers. Some people who posted less are also going to be included just because what they did provide was exceptionally helpful, like latecomer @Haggy . If I didn’t include you and you think your input prior to this post was worth it, please post here or PM me and let me know. I’m pretty liberal about including people, as you can see, but if you just posted ‘Me too!’ like some braindead AOLer, I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller. You’re just about as useless as .jpgs to Helen Keller.

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Also including
@quartz
@LiliArch

I was capped at 10 people on the last post.

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Congrats on getting another one over the finish line, man!

Have fun with all of the delightful side work.

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Heh, it’s always a mixed bag. Achievements and descriptions are pretty fun to do. But I just did that booger of a screenshots file yesterday and that’s always annoying. Friggin’ iPad people and their perpetual stats.

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Congrats on finishing your game! Ty for considering me for the test list. Feel free to add me with my username.

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I’m surprised to be credited in this game. Not sure if I deserve it, to be honest. But thank you anyway!

Also, it really is all about the pentiums, huh?

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You were not as in-depth on this one as you were Parenting, but that’s all right. Honestly, even if you had done nothing (which is decidedly not true), you’d merit a spot for making that excellent achievement guide for Parenting that people are still contacting me about to this very day.

And it always was.

@quartz Done!

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I definitely don’t belong on this list.