THE COLLECTIVE WELCOMES YOU {very wip} {Prologue+Ch.1 - 4,6k words}

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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Hey there, good day! You can call me Deus and this here is a weird little thing I’m working on.

So far it’s only the prologue (657 words) and chapter one (4006 words), hopefully, though, it will grow soon. No clue how big this is gonna be, but there will be 21 chapters. I’ll keep the whole thing a little bit mysterious for now :>

Genderlocked male with two male romance options! Sorry guys, I need to be 100% invested in the story + I’d rather start with something simple code-wise. Not gonna be reliant on stats.

— What are you? —
Truth is, you don’t know. You’re not even human. Maybe you were once, or at least your body used to be, but hey, you’re still around.

Unfortunately, so is the Collective. And it made you, so you’re cross with it.

— Romance options —
Valentine ; Your boss. The guy is as shady as they come, but he’s been nothing but kind to you. You don’t know what his goal is, but it seems that he doesn’t even know about the Collective. Lucky. Oh, and you suspect he’s secretly that one somewhat famous pianist…

Chaser ; The one who brought you into the Collective. He doomed you… Or did he save you? When you first saw him, he seemed afraid more than anything. Nowadays he always seems tired, melancholic even… Could he have the answers you’re looking for?

Hector ; Someone from the past, someone who was kind to you, someone who saved you. Will you ever see him again? Would he have helped you if he knew what you are?

Ken ; Young and a bit naive, he’s the waiter in a diner near your home. He’s also very interested in everything supernatural. How would he act if he found out he’s actually working near an ungodly creature such as yourself?

— Demo (real smol for now) —
https://dashingdon.com/play/poisonousbread33/the-collective-welcomes-you/mygame/

This post will be edited as I progress!

Hope you have a nice day, thanks for visiting!

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Prologue feels fairly small to make a full conclusion about the game itself, but I’ve noticed some points that somewhat bug me.

  • Genderlock with a focus on male / male romances can be fairly interesting, but right now ROs feel lacking in depth and weren’t introduced in the story itself.

  • Prologue, The Fool, feels somewhat tiring with its overuse of suspension points for atmosphere and the atmosphere itself didn’t feel like much to me, sadly. There wasn’t enough to grasp or latch onto and it was concentrating mainly on MC’s thoughts and feelings, which didn’t feel enough to create a set atmosphere for me.

  • Lack of details. Intrigue is important, but this mysterious Collective in the prologue feels somewhat generic and lacks any distinct traits - which feeds into point number two, which is excessive focus on MC’s feelings and thoughts.

Overall, however, this bit is a bit too small to make educated conclusions, but there are already things that worry me a bit. Also, how will Tarot motif work with story’s themes and ideas? How will it affect them? Will it be present on main level or secondary level?

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Oh, the prologue focuses on the protagonist’s feelings because that’s a dream mixed with memories! Basically, you were wounded, dying and confused, and it’s all happening in your head, even if based on a memory. It’s gonna be cleared a bit later on.

Thank you for the tips! I won’t lie, I suffer from chronic writer’s block and I’m rusty/lack practice so the first parts will probably be rewritten, so all feedback is super useful!

The Collective and the characters will be introduced in more detail further in the story, I just need to write that, but I’ll make sure to have what you said in mind!

Tarot won’t be the main focus, but the story will be built on it - each chapter will more or less stick to the meaning of the cards. And what are cards, anyways? It’s just paper. It’s us who give them meaning. So, they mean nothing and everything… cough, zips mouth shut

Overall, I’ll experiment a little and try to get some feedback, then go back and rewrite the beginning. Again, thank you so much for voicing your thoughts on this! C:

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So it is more of later Persona games’s approach towards Tarot? Mainly secondary theming, although they still reflect the underlying plot?

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Never played Persona so I can’t compare, but basically they reflect the story and will appear in it, but the cards won’t play a major role - the Collective uses them like, say, you use a mobile phone - it’s a bunch of glass and plastic, but you can check tomorrow’s weather if you have internet on it.

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Interesting story. It might be short but it left quite an impression on me.

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Short but the concept is interesting. The beginning is a little chaotic as the reader is dropped right into a dream/memory mix. This isn’t necessary a bad thing just that there doesn’t seem to really be a jumping off point. As for the comparison to persona that is being made for me it also gives me persona vibes but not because of the cards. More because we’re getting glimpses of things before we’re thrown in. I’ll just use 2 persona games as examples here: In persona 3 we are given a glimpse of this other world when we get off the train but before that we are given enough information to know who our character is and where our destination is. Then in 5 we are first thrown into the middle of a heist before getting arrested and interrogated. The entire game is set in the past but our choices influence the present. It is a bit more chaotic but certain things are established such as that we know this other world exists, who we are, and who we were before venturing into this other world. After we start being interrogated we go back to the past and learn more about ourselves this other world, and how we ended up in it. As for the use of the cards that’s cool & while the fool is something that is overplayed a lot it mainly depends on how you use it. Like in the Persona games the fool just means we’re able to have more than one persona which is something others don’t have. And if our character can be developed into someone beyond his card then that’s would be interesting to see what choices we can make to do that

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In this case the Fool symbolizes the begining - you get a glimpse of the main guy’s creation, when he was weak, dying and helpless. A clouded memory. However, he saw through the Collective’s trick so the card itself doesn’t represent the character, just that moment in his life.

××××××

— NEWS! —

By the way, I made a Tumblr blog for TCWY! That site is confusing as hell, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice lol. I’ll be posting updates and maybe sneak-peeks there!

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Oooo! I quite liked the opening sequence, and I think it works well for a setup before actually introducing information. It’s a good hook, IMO. Can’t say much on the characters yet, as they haven’t been introduced, but the concept is fascinating! I’ll be watching this one closely :]

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Hmmm post gone… . . … . . …

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— CHAPTER 1 COMPLETED! —

It’s only 4k words and there’s little variety, but it’s mostly a little introduction to things. You’ll get to know the characters better in their respective routes. Oh, and I added two more ROs!

Like I said before - according to the “first IF you write will suck” rule, I’ll be returning to the beginning at some point. I should be better at this by the time I go back to the earlier parts lol

The link has been updated!

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Another announcement!

I’ve realized that the story had strayed away from the original idea too much, so I’ll be overhauling the whole thing. Expect the link to be replaced and the main post to be rewritten soon E:
Any and all advice/feedback is welcome and appreciated!

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IMG_20230308_190348

A temporary banner I made :0 I’ll put more effort into the final version lol

Edit: An update, the new demo is at 2776 words! The prologue is more of less finished, but I’ll upload the thing once it’s bigger

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The banner looks great :smiley: and I need to try the game out :laughing:

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I tried the game out and I really like it :grinning: a bit confusing at first but it’s good! And at first I gave my poor MC boy a female name :rofl: welp :joy: (i changed it of course :laughing:)

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I remember playing it and liking it.

It’s confusing but in the good way !

Players hesitating should definitely try it !!

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