The Call of the Eldritch (WIP)

Hey, guys! Just started writing this a few days ago, finished the first chapter, and wanted to see what you guys think.

The Dreamer’s cult is close to awakening him, and you and your new friends job to stop this at any coast!
When the mysterious Mr. Black offers help, do you accept it, or find a way yourselves?

Set in the horrendous world created by H. P. Lovecraft, you will encounter monsters and gods of unnatural terror.

Link:https://dashingdon.com/go/4128

28 Likes

Really liked your work here and also your writing style is gorgeous

I only found two problems:
in the dream scene when the cultist with the robe comes close you forgot the ‘ for robe’s hood.
My gender is female, but after Mr black gave me the vision he referenced to me as male

A few suggestions/questions:
-Its good if you give us the option to change our mind about careers. For example i choose programmer and then check my stats to see what changed and when i returned I didn’t have the option to check other careers. Now the game is short right now so restarting is no problem, but would appreciate it if you added the option later on:slightly_smiling_face:
-the hacker part was kinda confusing. I didn’t realize lucas was hacking me until he asked me to go to library
-does MC and alex know something important is happening in Library? Because she said that if she dies, she’ll hunt me and it’s a weird statement to make if you are just going to hangout in the library with some friends
-how did MC know the name of the book Necronimicon before Dr craft says it’s name?

Really looking forward to see what you have in store :smiley:

1 Like

Necronomicon? Miskatonic? Mr. Black? Definitely my cup of tea! I like the idea so far but might I suggest slowing down a bit? Sometimes I feel like the story is rushing :dizzy_face:

3 Likes
Summary
After a few hours of coding, you notice something wrong with your laptop. Someone's hacked you.

A text box pops up. "Sorry, hacked wrong computer."
  • Well, at least they’re polite about it. :laughing:
"Wait." Alex says. "Who's 'the Dreamer'?"

Dr. Craft perks up to answer this. "Cthulhu. Names have power, however. We call him the Dreamer as not to invoke this power."
  • But didn’t you already just say his na–KABOOM
"Emmet was the first to get the dream." Emmeryn says, "Then Lukas, and then another person, and another. We don't know how many got the dream, but we've all banded together to investigate it."

"My theory is that he's waking up soon," Now it's Lukas. "His cultists are at work trying to raise him back. We just don't know when that's going to happen."
  • Okay, I understand if all of you are understandably freaked out about getting the same dream within a small frame of time, but that sort of conclusion just came out of left field for people who are relatively uninformed in Eldritch matters for all we know about them. And how do you know there are cultists anyway if y’all didn’t even investigate it yet?
"But I have means of finding out." Dr. Craft comes from the occult section. You didn't see him leave. You then realize he's carrying the Necronomicon.
  • How do we know it’s the Necronomicon? Or for that matter, where the hell did he get it from? The underground of the Smithsonian?
"I'm the Keepr of the Necronimicon." Dr. Craft holds up the large tome.
  • Misspelled “Keeper”

Overall it feels like a rushed experience. Who are these people? How do we know that Cthulu is coming or that he has a cult? How do we conveniently know so much about Lovecraftian lore that we are able to instantly tell the book the guy’s carrying is the Necronomicon? How did a nice stroll to the library suddenly turn into a life and death struggle against the Outer Gods?

You need to park your breaks and give a bit more setup before we get into the juicy bits, otherwise you’ll just leave everyone feeling dazed and confused.

6 Likes

The game seems to assume that I know everything about the world and people. Nobody was properly introduced and nothing is being explained. It also seems like the choices don’t matter. The MC talked about the dream even when I said no and was outright told that agreeing didn’t matter.

4 Likes

yES. Can we romance them too? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

2 Likes

Hmm… pacing is definitely a problem. You need to build these things up and properly introduce everything, whereas currently I hardly know who the hell these people are. Also, while I’m somewhat learned, I’m not a Lovecraftian lore expert, you gotta write in explanations or give an encyclopedia or something.

And this is just for future reference because I see a lot of people make this mistake and I don’t want you to make it too: Humans CANNOT talk to Great Ones without going insane.That’s how alien/incomprehensible they are. The only exception is Nyarlathotep who… yeah, you don’t wanna talk to him.

11 Likes

@Ven

Thank you for your feedback, I’m going to fix those issues when I get a chance to get back to writing!

@Vashnik

Yeah, pacing has been a big issue for me when writing. I’m going to go back and add more to the chapter, and spread things out more.

@RagEgnite

With the character already knowing about the Necronomicon, it’s because the book is the crowned jewel of Miskatonic University’s library. You find that out if you pick the librarian profession. I’ll have to explain that more for those who don’t pick that job. I’m bad at remembering to do that hahah.
I’m going to pace out the build up to the library more when I got back on my computer.

@DeeFlavored

The choices mainly matter and affect stats and relationships, there’s a couple that are fake choices. But the dream choice solely affects your relationship with Alex,( telling her no lowers her relationship bar -5 or 10, I honestly forgot) but the dream is kind of necessary to build up to the library scene. I’ll find a way to better slip into the dream talk even if you pick no.

@Umbreonpanda

Mmmmm, yes and no. Can’t say much more without spoiling.

@GrimReaperJr1232

As I said to Vashnik,pacing is a big struggle of mine. I’m going to stretch things out, and add in more so chapter one isn’t so short, and there’s a better build up.

As for the sanity thing, I know lol. Trust me, I consider myself a Cthulhu Mythos scholar. I’ve been reading H. P. Lovecraft for 4 years now, and studying the mythos for about 6. But thank you for warning me about that :wink:

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I’m going to revise Chapter one, and will hopefully have an updated version in the coming week! I will update you all when that comes out.

2 Likes

Very interesting premise and you clearly know your Lovecraft, though I must agree with everyone who’s said it’s a bit rushed right now. Pacing is key in a horror story, as the audience must have something to care about. To take an example from HPL himself, he does it very well in Shadow from Innsmouth: the protagonist slowly explores a creepy city that’s somehow wrong, learns its secrets and THEN everything goes wrong and he has to run for his life.

A few typos:
Prolouge Prologue
above it’s gaping maw its
immediatly immediately
doesn’t metter doesn’t matter
the cheif is appointing chief
"Fianlly, yes! Finally
the artice the article

1 Like

the problem I have about adaptations of Lovecraft is that, it’s kinda impossible to write.
Stories naturally seek closure, but the lack of closure and horror of the unknown the unlimited horror is key for Lovecraft, and it’s reassembly hard to capture that in paper much less a game with choice and agency. I pray for this projects success because Lovecraft’s world has limitless potential.
Lots of love
Mercy

2 Likes

Updated version is up guys!

3 Likes

Thanks to some much needed feedback, I tweeked chapter one a lot.

Changes:
*fixed typos
*fixed pronoun issues
*better introduced characters
*gave the option to repick job if desired
*added weapons and attire features
*made a certain choice matter more to the story
*pacing is better, and more things happen in between the beginning and end

I hope you all enjoy Chapter One ver2.0 :slightly_smiling_face:
I have yet to begin Chapter 2, editing chapter one took up all my time. But it will be up in due time!

Link to chapter one :https://dashingdon.com/go/4128

Can’t wait to see your feedback and constructive criticism.

5 Likes

Oooh this is cool…looking forward to reading more!

I do have a question…I Play a female entertainer. My female bestie and I are the (male and female) leads in REEFER MADNESS. Was this intentional? Is the male role genderbent in the case of a female MC?

Hey there :blush: The update really improved everything. Thanks for listening to the suggestions.
Anyway i found two errors:

two branches on the left, and one on the left

it was translated to Latin in 1228, and then to English thansk to Dr. John Dee

Playing the updated version right now, it does seem much better. Found something strange in the meeting, apparently we’re being introduced to everyone twice.

Emmeryn smiles at you, as does Dr. Craft. Introductions for the others are made.

Emmet is her twin brother, with the same brown hair and blue eyes. His hair sweeps just over his eyebrows, and thick, black rimmed glasses frame his eyes. He has very boyish features, and his cheeks puff with baby fat.

The blonde woman with a bun is Perri Chapman, chief of the Arkham City Police Department. Her jaw is chisled, but blends in with her otherwise more feminine features. Green eyes bore into your soul.

A red headed guy, Lukas Archer, smiles at you. His hair flows down to his shoulders, and blue eyes sparkle in the dim light. Dark bags make his face hollow, and his chin and jaw are sharp.

Emmet is Emmeryn’s twin brother, with the same brown hair and blue eyes. His hair sweeps just over his eyebrows, and thick, black rimmed glasses frame his eyes. He has very boyish features, and his cheeks puff with baby fat.

The blonde woman with a bun is Perri Chapman, chief of the Arkham City Police Department. Her jaw is chisled, but blends in with her otherwise more feminine features. Green eyes bore into your soul.

The red headed guy, Lukas Archer, smiles at you. His hair flows down to his shoulders, and blue eyes sparkle in the dim light. Dark bags make his face hollow, and his chin and jaw are sharp.

“So you both had a weird dream too,” Dr. Craft says.

Edit: Some more minor stuff:

“I’m the Keepr of the Necronimicon, what do you know that I don’t?” Dr. Craft asks sternly.

Keeper of the Necronomicon

There has to be an explantion for this.

explanation

“I don’t think Mr. Black should have naything to do with this.”

anything

Edit 2: A question of lore. This is what the game says about the Necronomicon’s origins:
Written by Abdul Alhazred. Abdul wandered the deserts of Saudi Arabia for ten years
writing the Necronomicon. Abdul is sometimes reffered as “The Mad Arab” because of the
contents of the book. Anyone who lays their eyes on the pages of this tome are said
to go insane from the knowledge it contains. Originally written in Arabic, it was translated
to Latin in 1228, and then to English thansk to Dr. John Dee, a professor who taught
at our own Miskatonic University in the early 1900’s.
Wasn’t the English translator, John Dee, the Elizabethan magician, or did you change it for a reason?

:bug:
invalid

Just curious, in the game Dr. Craft said that humans fought Cthulhu and his Star Spawn, but I think the Elder Gods were the ones who defeated and sealed the Great Old Ones (Cthulhu, Tsathoggua, Ghatanothoa, etc) :thinking:

@Jender That was not intentional, I did not take the MC’s gender into consideration for the roles, and I will work around that for the next update!

@Vashnik Thank you, quicktest doesn’t work for me because I have a lot of *if statements in some choices and it doesn’t work well with those. I will recode that.

Also, in some writings, yes, but I’m not including the Elder Gods in my story, so I tweeked the mythos a bit to fit better with my story.

@Ven Thank you for pointing those out, your feedback has been really helpful!

@Rosencrantz I actually did not know that bit of lore. I looked up the translations, because I knew it was written originally in Arabic, and John Dee was credited, but nothing more was said on who he was, so I interpreted him as a MU professor. I’ll have to research him more.

As for meeting everyone twice, that is a coding issue I didn’t know was present. Thank you for pointing it out, it will be fixed!

Thanks everyone for the feedback, you all have been really helpful. I will let you all know when I’ve fixed these issues, and posted chapter 2!

2 Likes

“Emmeryn invited us to meet him and some friends at the library tomorrow after he heard about our dreams.”
The last time we talked to Emmeryn, female pronouns were used.

Small critique: This is supposed to take place in Massachusetts and at the very beginning a monsoon is going on. This monsoon is not mentioned by anyone. I’ve lived in Massachusetts for nearly 20 years and we’ve never had a monsoon. Maybe it was conjured up by some Elder God but I think someone would at least mention how strange it is.
The same goes for the earthquakes. Massachusetts will very rarely get an earthquake strong enough that people would feel it. If there were suddenly three earthquakes that were strong enough to damage the streets. people would be freaking out. Again, I’m sure these are supposed to be portents but there’s no mention of how unusual they are.

Typo: A small weapons, but good in certain situations.
Should be “Small weapons”

Dr. Craft opens the book, making sure noone can read, let alone see, any of the pages.
Should be “no one”. It also makes better sense for it to be “making sure no one can see, let alone read, any of the pages.”

“I’m the Keepr of the Necronimicon, what do you know that I don’t?” Dr. Craft asks sternly.
“Keeper”

“I’ll post on the poster when the next meeting is, guys,” Emm says to everyone before her and Emmet get into a car together.
Should be “she and Emmet”
Also what is this poster that’s being referred to? Is it a piece of paper hung on a wall somewhere? That would be a strange way of scheduling occult meetings.

In my opinion, the MC and Alex are taking these shared dreams of a forgotten god and the exposition of Dr. Craft way too casually. The strongest reaction from either of them is Alex saying “I didn’t sign up for this”. At the end of the meeting Alex drops the MC off with a simple “bye”. No panic? No doubt? Not even discussing what just happened? Also why is the Necronomicon just on display at the college library? Especially when the head librarian knows what it is and what it can do?

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