The rewrites are very coherent, and I like that you can outright snub jerkwad to his face if you want to. I’m with Nyx on the hotdog thing. How does slapping the word ‘organic’ on it suddenly make those things any healthier?
There was a point of narrative stutter between transitioning from the car scene leaving with Nyx, and arriving at the family gym to train with Nyx, but that could be fixed by renaming that “Next” page turning button something like “Later at the family gym…” or whatever sounds better to you, because my offering here is a little on the droll side.
Okay, real talk here, Prism. Do you really want a proofreader at this stage of your IF book’s development?
The biggest reason not to go all in polishing up these early chapters is that any potential rewrites for the sake of consistency, as much as your own personal satisfaction with how the words flow, throw all that extra effort out the window whenever it happens.
That said, if you can promise it’s less compounding upon your own stress, and more of a relief that eases your concerns, I can help with grammar/spelling flubs. Here’s one small example:
While I’m certain there have been thieves named Rouge in both real life and fictional settings, thievery alone does not make one a Rogue.