The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - An affair of the heart (WIP) (Ch 5: 10 Nov 2023)

[Cat-Toes]

About that Google comment: There was something similar in the first episode of the Cumberbatch version, and Sherlock even said “I didn’t expect to get everything right” when he was making his initial deductions about Watson. (And technically he didn’t get everything right).

And while we’re on the topic of differences between the books and modern adaptations, this might just be me, but I always felt like book Sherlock had a lot more respect for Inspector Lestrade than most modern adaptations represent. Most of the modern ones show Lestrade as a n idiot ivestigator, but I always interpreted the books, which did occasionally have other inspectors in them, to represent Lestrade as being the one Sherlock wanted to work with. That might just be me though. I own all the books, but I hadn’t finished reading them yet.

[Doriana-Gray]

@Jess1973

Honestly go for it. In fact, if you do this you might be a more accurate adaptation of the books. Since, Arthur Conan Doyle never really mention any “Victorian” horrors in Sherlock Holmes either. Heck, his books tend to be really progressive from someone who was in Victorian London !

That is true, thanks!

[Jess1973]

No problem.

Honestly, it’s one of the reason why his books can be so universal. Though there are dark subject matters in the books, most of the time they’re usually told instead of shown. And behaviors uncommon to that time but are morally good are surprisingly abundant in the books. Like I swear, I don’t think any Victorian gentleman in that era would write Sherlock and their characters as nuanced and as progressive as Arthur Conan Doyle would.

But it is your choice I’m just giving you suggestions.

@Cat-Toes

but I always felt like book Sherlock had a lot more respect for Inspector Lestrade than most modern adaptations represent. Most of the modern ones show Lestrade as a n idiot ivestigator,

Well, I think the reason (my interpretation even), why Sherlock respects Lestrade is that he is the only one who respects Sherlock back AND is a pretty decent guy, overall.

Like an example of this is in the The Adventure of the Norwood Builder when

Spoilers (I don’t want to risk it at all)

Lestrade was furious when Jonas Oldacre, who was presumably murdered by Sherlock’s client was found alive and it was discovered that he planted those evidences to get the client hanged. Lestrade there wasn’t angry because he lost to Sherlock. He was angry because they nearly hanged an innocent person all because SOMEBODY was trying to get revenge on the client’s MUM !!!

If this case was taken by any other detective from the Scottish yard they’d be more upset that the damning evidence was false and they lost to Sherlock than the fact that an innocent person was nearly killed.

So while Sherlock does appreciate someone with a sharp mind, I think he definitely values someone with a good heart, overall . In fact, it seemed from the books Sherlock puts good heart as an important value first and intelligence second. Which is a completely opposite from what modern adaptations do.

[Cat-Toes]

I don’t disagree. I mostly meant that I don’t think Lestrade gets enough credit in most modern adaptations.

[Jess1973]

@Cat-Toes

I mostly meant that I don’t think Lestrade gets enough credit in most modern adaptations.

To be perfectly honest I don’t think ANY characters except Sherlock gets any credits on modern interpretation lol

[Tarlonniel]

To be fair, Lestrade doesn’t come off terribly well in A Study in Scarlet, though not horribly either. Holmes calls him and Gregson the “pick of a bad lot” (talk about backhanded compliments ). But Lestrade improves a lot in his subsequent appearances and becomes a true admirer and friend of the Great Detective. It’s always nice to have that “friend on the force” character around, as subsequent writers in the genre would learn.

[Jess1973]

@Tarlonniel

“pick of a bad lot”

Oh yeah I forgot about that but yeah Lestrade at least is a decent man and had character development. I don’t think the same can be said for Gregson . (If I’m not forgetting about anything)

Also, um…. I think this is the full quote :

“He and Lestrade are the pick of a bad lot. They are both quick and energetic, but conventional—shockingly so.”

[Tarlonniel]

It’s amusing to hear a Victorian gentleman (well, not technically a gentleman, but close enough) call someone ‘shockingly conventional’ as an insult.

[Jess1973]

Yeah it is funny

But many Sherlock’s roasts are HILARIOUS. My favorite came from “Scandal in Bohemia” where Sherlock told the king of Bohemia, in his face “Maybe someone’s not on her [Irene Adler] level”.

[Doriana-Gray]

@Jess1973

“Maybe someone’s not on her [Irene Adler] level”.

That one is great!
My memory is terrible for quoting, but I, in general, really like sherlocks too clever sarcastic put-downs that the intended victims never understand. For example, like the one you mentioned

[CrayFoPottah]

Found some more typos, though not sure if they’ve been pointed out yet

The grimy moustached man moves to the side, allowing exit from the vehicle. “—You’ll find someone.” The driver’s smile widen, displaying five murky teeth under his handlebar-stache. He tipps his tophat, whose rim now only lightly drips, by the lessening rain. “Oh! And you might want to be careful now, the locale hereabouts runs a tad uncivil. It’d be bad if you got hurt after travelling with ol’ Frank.”

“tipps” should be “tips”

“What could you possibly be referring too?”
“Lets not… I apologise. There. Done.”

After Sherlock reminds Lestrade that they’ve been wrong before; “too” should be “to” and “Lets” should be “Let’s”

“corners of his mouth lifts”

After Sherlock greets Lestrade by their first name; “lifts” should be “lift,” since the subject in question is the plural corners rather than the mouth

[Doriana-Gray]

Thank you! No, none of these has been pointed out to me It’s extremely helpful and kind of you to tell me! (this might be rude to ask, but if you ever have any wish or time and energy to be a beta reader/tester, please let me know! But no pressure! you’ve already helped me with so many things )

(If anyone else finds any errors, please please tell me, it’s very helpful! I’m incredibly blind to my text at this point, and I know that there are grammar issues that I repeat unknowingly. And there are currently no errors (except the ones above) that I have been informed of the haven’t been fixed )

[WangXian]

Every time I see this I think about Moriarty the Patriot and I adore that anime. Can I finally get my Sherliam here? Thanks for doing this, I’m really interested in this one

[Schliemannsghost]

I really enjoyed this overall, and am very excited to see what comes next! I have a few specific comments based on screenshots which I’ll post below, but overall I thought it was very well-done. As others have said, the character customization was very extensive (that’s not something I personally care about, but lots of people do, and those people will have absolutely nothing to complain about with this book, as it’s so well done!). I enjoyed the chance to give Sherlock a vice, and a coping mechanism for boredom (that felt very authentic to the original stories), and I look forward to seeing what impact that will have on the game later. I did feel that the case itself was pretty obvious and easy to solve, but that’s not so much of a problem - as the first case, we can see it as a kind of tutorial level, and the suggestions of a broader conspiracy do suggest that there will be a much meatier investigation to come!

Specific comments:

“coping with a lack of cases”, not “coping for”.

I’d watch for repetition. In the early section of the story, we are told over and over again that it’s been a long time since the last satisfying case. By the seventh or eighth time I was getting told that, it was really getting old, and I definitely felt an element of “OK, Jeez, I get it!” Maybe just once or twice would be enough; it feels like overkill right now.

If this is a reference to the notorious and now-defunct London prison, it’s “Newgate”, not “Newsgate”.

This happened a few times. “You” should not be capitalized after quotation marks, even if there’s final punctuation at the end of the quoted phrase.

“Lay there”, not “laid there”.

Capitalize “I”

“mortal’s power” (add an apostrophe)

“burying” (one r)

“Think rationally”.

One other thing that didn’t ring true for me. When getting out of the coach at the beginning, the coachman tells Sherlock that this is a bad neighborhood, and this is presented as being news to Sherlock. This didn’t feel right. As a detective who is based in London, it really feels like Sherlock should have a good enough knowledge of the city to, as a minumum, know where the dangerous neighborhoods are.

Hope that’s helpful and not too pedantic, and like I said, I really enjoyed this. Good work!

[Doriana-Gray]

Thank you so much for your thorough feedback and kind comments!
Please don’t worry that it is too much. I love to learn—and learn how to improve the game If what you wrote is pedantic, then I love pedantry(?)!

@Schliemannsghost

This happened a few times. “You” should not be capitalized after quotation marks, even if there’s final punctuation at the end of the quoted phrase.

Oh, so okay, I have had a problem understanding when there is supposed to be a lower case after dialogue. There seem to be some cases where it should be and somewhere it is not? I’ll try and look it up again, but for some reason, this rule confuses me greatly.
(if anyone has a good resource for this rule, I would be eternally grateful )

@Schliemannsghost

Capitalize “I”

haha, I was afraid no one was going to pick that option! I’m glad to see someone read the “meaner” options. I’ll have plenty more of those in the rest of the story

Again, thank you! Super helpful!

[Schliemannsghost]

@Doriana-Gray

if anyone has a good resource for this rule, I would be eternally grateful

My understanding is that, if it’s a short tag like “he said” or “she asked”, you don’t capitalize it. But if it’s a full sentence coming after dialogue, or in between two bits of dialogue, you do. So, for example:

“Sherlock Holmes, I presume?” he said. “I have read of your exploits in the Strand magazine.”

But, if instead of just “he said” you have a full sentence in between, you would capitalize. For example:

“Sherlock Holmes, I presume?” He paused to take a slow drag on his pipe. “I have read of your exploits in the Strand magazine.”

I think that’s right, if that makes sense!

[Doriana-Gray]

Thank you! Yes, I think that makes sense! With your feedback + me googling it a bit more, I will hopefully do it right in the future

[LiliArch]

My understanding is that if the sentence continues, you use lowercase; otherwise, you do not. But that’s also my Finnish grammar speaking, so the rules in English may be different.

[CrayFoPottah]

I actually missed one that I already quoted

The driver’s smile widen

“widen” should be “widens”

You’ve probably found something similar but here’s a resource for how to punctuate dialogue Dictionary.com | Meanings & Definitions of English Words

My schedule should free up in a few weeks if not less, I’ll let you know by then if I can help proofread more intensively I’ve done it for a couple of MultipleChoice’s games years ago but I had to step back once I entered uni and got Busy™

[Jess1973]

@Doriana-Gray

the intended victims never understand.

And most of the time they deserve it