This was great! I really enjoyed the ancient Egyptian setting and the descriptions of the temple. I liked how the MC can be a dynamic character with the sanity stat, and how the other characters are equally well-rounded. I also thought the mysteries of the temple were a lot of fun, and I enjoyed how replaying reveals unique explorations and answers.
Although I liked the diverse list of gods, I felt that much of their identical dialogue in the story diminished their characters and took away from the ancient Egyptian setting. For example, in Ptahâs description it mentions that Ptahâs followers believe he (and not Ra) is the creator god â yet when talking to Ptah, he still has the line about how certain things in the world not being created by Atum-Ra.
I thought the romance setup for Myrine/Zephyros was a bit sudden, since you have to choose whether the MC is attracted to them or not before we get any real sense of their character. I also noticed that when you first meet Persenet it shows both the romance and friendship options no matter what.
Other stuff
When you first enter the courtyard and visit one of the buildings, thereâs the line âWhat if they think you a thief?â Perhaps this sentence should be altered depending on if the MC successfully stole from the caravan or if they failed, as the priests would then definitely know the MCâs a thief.
If you visit Apepi, each time you ask him a question it jumps back to before he creates the magic barrier, causing the story to act like heâs using the spell for the first time.
âY-you,â you hesitate, âyouâre a creature from behind the Veil.â
For this playthrough, playing as a soldier romancing Apepi, this is the first time the Veil is mentioned, and so there was no context for what this meant. But in another playthrough, when the MC was a priestess romancing Menkaure, it seemed like there were more mentions of this Veil even though it seemed to matter less. You may want to introduce it earlier in the story for all MCs.
Typos
âIâm a Soldier. I do most of my work in towns.â
âSoldierâ should be lowercase.
âThatâs understendable.â Master Ahmose looks of into the distance and falls quiet for a while.
âunderstendableâ should be âunderstandableâ.
Weâre travelling to a temple, but it almost feels as if Hathor didnât like me going there."
âdidnâtâ should be âdoesnâtâ.
Priestly magic is too complicated for someone with no proffessional training. But⌠perhaps I could show you how you can easity calm your mind in stressfull situations?
âproffessionalâ should be âprofessionalâ, âeasityâ should be âeasilyâ.
While youâve seen him before and while you do not have to care about it, you do note that heâs an incredibly hansdome man.
âhansdomeâ should be âhandsomeâ.
There is too much sand carried by the wind.
You may want to put âbeingâ before âcarriedâ.
"Well, the truth is I was wandering about something.
âwanderingâ should be âwonderingâ.
There are dozens of maybies, and they are all dancing in your head right now.
âmaybiesâ should be âmaybesâ.
The night doesnât seem nearly as frightning, and the wind feels warm and bright.
âfrightningâ should be âfrighteningâ.
When you open yourself to the universe, you cannot really foresee, what might find you interesting.
Iâd remove the second comma.
âAre you okay?â Zephyros asks, finally pulling you out of the labirynth of confusion and uncertainty.
âlabirynthâ should be âlabyrinthâ.
As your hands move across the surface of the wall, you donât notice anything that would suggest you might be dealing with traps.
If the MC loses a hand, âhandsâ should be âhandâ â this occurs throughout all the chapters.
âWhat is it?â" he asks.
Remove the extra quotation mark.
Since alexandrian dates are incredibly filling, you decide to skip the bread and just drink some water.
âalexandrianâ should be capitalized.
Maybe the priestess simply has some weird preferances when it comes to food?
âpreferancesâ should be âpreferencesâ.
âYou look like a hellenic god, and Iâm not even exaggerating, and youâre trying to tell me that you would be afraid if I wasnât here?â
Capitalize âhellenicâ.
You turn around to avoid his penetrating gaze and reazlie youâre cheeks are gettin hot.
âreazlieâ should be ârealizeâ, âgettinâ should be âgettingâ.
What would you like to aske her about?
âaskeâ should be âaskâ.
She pauses suddenly and starts laughting, but you can tell her laughter is very awkward.
âlaughtingâ should be âlaughingâ.
Other than that, I donât think being a priest is any different.
Add a quotation mark at the beginning.
No, youâre pretty sure itâs something sifferent.
âsifferentâ should be âdifferentâ.
Your were watching his reactions to your words, and they all seemed genuine.
âYour wereâ should be âYou wereâ.
You close your eyes and think Seth.
Add âaboutâ after âthinkâ.
âYes, Mrs. Persenet!â
Should âMrs.â be âMissâ here?
âYouâre going to sleep here for the next few days, Khamaatâ Persenet says as you enter a small and rather simply-furnished chamber.
Add a comma after the MCâs name.
âWell, I have to say that back in Hellada people at the temple live quite differently. While this temple may be very rich on the outside, this⌠room leaves much to be desired.â
Add that it is Myrine/Zephyros saying this or else it looks like the MC is.
"I donât remember the Nile Valley, and Iâve never really experienced that civilization you all seem to love so much.
Remove the quotation mark.
There are many different things that might seem imteresting, but youâre pretty sure you will only be able to focus on a single thing.
âimterestingâ should be âinterestingâ.
Sheâs about to point to where youâre going to be sitting, when suddenly a tall man stands from the small table and raises his hands in your direction.
Add a line of space between this line and the next paragraph
As youâre thinking these thoughts, you feel something strike you in the back of your head, and everything goes black. To be continued.
Remove the âTo be continued.â
âBut canât priests just bring water from the sky?â
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one.
"I am not sure what to tell you, but I donât think Apophis has ever been considered a god.
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one as well.
You definitely heart the sounds of the morning ritual.
âheartâ should be âheardâ.
âCanât you tell me more?â
Add a line of space after this line and the next paragraph.
I was the one who created it." âAnything else?â
I would rework the âAnything else?â line so itâs not in itâs own quotations when Apepiâs dialogue ends the page â otherwise, add a line of space between the two paragraphs.
Youâre so shockes you start coughing.
âshockesâ should be âshockedâ.
Thereâs a flash of lightning, red and hateful, and it fills your mind with of misery and loneliness.
Remove the âofâ before âmiseryâ.
Youâre going to enter that inner sanctum, find the enough of Ra and destroy it.
Not sure what âenoughâ is supposed to be here.
Looking forward to the rest of chapter six! 
, while Zephyros is just adorable 
I feel like following Apepiâs path for this route made this entire section even more exciting to read!! Catch me super pumped to see what happens next 
