This was great! I really enjoyed the ancient Egyptian setting and the descriptions of the temple. I liked how the MC can be a dynamic character with the sanity stat, and how the other characters are equally well-rounded. I also thought the mysteries of the temple were a lot of fun, and I enjoyed how replaying reveals unique explorations and answers.
Although I liked the diverse list of gods, I felt that much of their identical dialogue in the story diminished their characters and took away from the ancient Egyptian setting. For example, in Ptah’s description it mentions that Ptah’s followers believe he (and not Ra) is the creator god – yet when talking to Ptah, he still has the line about how certain things in the world not being created by Atum-Ra.
I thought the romance setup for Myrine/Zephyros was a bit sudden, since you have to choose whether the MC is attracted to them or not before we get any real sense of their character. I also noticed that when you first meet Persenet it shows both the romance and friendship options no matter what.
When you first enter the courtyard and visit one of the buildings, there’s the line “What if they think you a thief?” Perhaps this sentence should be altered depending on if the MC successfully stole from the caravan or if they failed, as the priests would then definitely know the MC’s a thief.
If you visit Apepi, each time you ask him a question it jumps back to before he creates the magic barrier, causing the story to act like he’s using the spell for the first time.
“Y-you,” you hesitate, “you’re a creature from behind the Veil.”
For this playthrough, playing as a soldier romancing Apepi, this is the first time the Veil is mentioned, and so there was no context for what this meant. But in another playthrough, when the MC was a priestess romancing Menkaure, it seemed like there were more mentions of this Veil even though it seemed to matter less. You may want to introduce it earlier in the story for all MCs.
“I’m a Soldier. I do most of my work in towns.”
“Soldier” should be lowercase.
“That’s understendable.” Master Ahmose looks of into the distance and falls quiet for a while.
“understendable” should be “understandable”.
We’re travelling to a temple, but it almost feels as if Hathor didn’t like me going there."
“didn’t” should be “doesn’t”.
Priestly magic is too complicated for someone with no proffessional training. But… perhaps I could show you how you can easity calm your mind in stressfull situations?
“proffessional” should be “professional”, “easity” should be “easily”.
While you’ve seen him before and while you do not have to care about it, you do note that he’s an incredibly hansdome man.
“hansdome” should be “handsome”.
There is too much sand carried by the wind.
You may want to put “being” before “carried”.
"Well, the truth is I was wandering about something.
“wandering” should be “wondering”.
There are dozens of maybies, and they are all dancing in your head right now.
“maybies” should be “maybes”.
The night doesn’t seem nearly as frightning, and the wind feels warm and bright.
“frightning” should be “frightening”.
When you open yourself to the universe, you cannot really foresee, what might find you interesting.
I’d remove the second comma.
“Are you okay?” Zephyros asks, finally pulling you out of the labirynth of confusion and uncertainty.
“labirynth” should be “labyrinth”.
As your hands move across the surface of the wall, you don’t notice anything that would suggest you might be dealing with traps.
If the MC loses a hand, “hands” should be “hand” – this occurs throughout all the chapters.
“What is it?”" he asks.
Remove the extra quotation mark.
Since alexandrian dates are incredibly filling, you decide to skip the bread and just drink some water.
“alexandrian” should be capitalized.
Maybe the priestess simply has some weird preferances when it comes to food?
“preferances” should be “preferences”.
“You look like a hellenic god, and I’m not even exaggerating, and you’re trying to tell me that you would be afraid if I wasn’t here?”
You turn around to avoid his penetrating gaze and reazlie you’re cheeks are gettin hot.
“reazlie” should be “realize”, “gettin” should be “getting”.
What would you like to aske her about?
“aske” should be “ask”.
She pauses suddenly and starts laughting, but you can tell her laughter is very awkward.
“laughting” should be “laughing”.
Other than that, I don’t think being a priest is any different.
Add a quotation mark at the beginning.
No, you’re pretty sure it’s something sifferent.
“sifferent” should be “different”.
Your were watching his reactions to your words, and they all seemed genuine.
“Your were” should be “You were”.
You close your eyes and think Seth.
Add “about” after “think”.
“Yes, Mrs. Persenet!”
Should “Mrs.” be “Miss” here?
“You’re going to sleep here for the next few days, Khamaat” Persenet says as you enter a small and rather simply-furnished chamber.
Add a comma after the MC’s name.
“Well, I have to say that back in Hellada people at the temple live quite differently. While this temple may be very rich on the outside, this… room leaves much to be desired.”
Add that it is Myrine/Zephyros saying this or else it looks like the MC is.
"I don’t remember the Nile Valley, and I’ve never really experienced that civilization you all seem to love so much.
Remove the quotation mark.
There are many different things that might seem imteresting, but you’re pretty sure you will only be able to focus on a single thing.
“imteresting” should be “interesting”.
She’s about to point to where you’re going to be sitting, when suddenly a tall man stands from the small table and raises his hands in your direction.
Add a line of space between this line and the next paragraph
As you’re thinking these thoughts, you feel something strike you in the back of your head, and everything goes black. To be continued.
Remove the “To be continued.”
“But can’t priests just bring water from the sky?”
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one.
"I am not sure what to tell you, but I don’t think Apophis has ever been considered a god.
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one as well.
You definitely heart the sounds of the morning ritual.
“heart” should be “heard”.
“Can’t you tell me more?”
Add a line of space after this line and the next paragraph.
I was the one who created it." “Anything else?”
I would rework the “Anything else?” line so it’s not in it’s own quotations when Apepi’s dialogue ends the page – otherwise, add a line of space between the two paragraphs.
You’re so shockes you start coughing.
“shockes” should be “shocked”.
There’s a flash of lightning, red and hateful, and it fills your mind with of misery and loneliness.
Remove the “of” before “misery”.
You’re going to enter that inner sanctum, find the enough of Ra and destroy it.
Not sure what “enough” is supposed to be here.
Looking forward to the rest of chapter six!