Temple of Endless Night (WIP) (Chapter 6 is COMPLETE!)

This was great! I really enjoyed the ancient Egyptian setting and the descriptions of the temple. I liked how the MC can be a dynamic character with the sanity stat, and how the other characters are equally well-rounded. I also thought the mysteries of the temple were a lot of fun, and I enjoyed how replaying reveals unique explorations and answers.

Although I liked the diverse list of gods, I felt that much of their identical dialogue in the story diminished their characters and took away from the ancient Egyptian setting. For example, in Ptah’s description it mentions that Ptah’s followers believe he (and not Ra) is the creator god – yet when talking to Ptah, he still has the line about how certain things in the world not being created by Atum-Ra.

I thought the romance setup for Myrine/Zephyros was a bit sudden, since you have to choose whether the MC is attracted to them or not before we get any real sense of their character. I also noticed that when you first meet Persenet it shows both the romance and friendship options no matter what.

Other stuff

When you first enter the courtyard and visit one of the buildings, there’s the line “What if they think you a thief?” Perhaps this sentence should be altered depending on if the MC successfully stole from the caravan or if they failed, as the priests would then definitely know the MC’s a thief.

If you visit Apepi, each time you ask him a question it jumps back to before he creates the magic barrier, causing the story to act like he’s using the spell for the first time.

“Y-you,” you hesitate, “you’re a creature from behind the Veil.”
For this playthrough, playing as a soldier romancing Apepi, this is the first time the Veil is mentioned, and so there was no context for what this meant. But in another playthrough, when the MC was a priestess romancing Menkaure, it seemed like there were more mentions of this Veil even though it seemed to matter less. You may want to introduce it earlier in the story for all MCs.

Typos

“I’m a Soldier. I do most of my work in towns.”
“Soldier” should be lowercase.

“That’s understendable.” Master Ahmose looks of into the distance and falls quiet for a while.
“understendable” should be “understandable”.

We’re travelling to a temple, but it almost feels as if Hathor didn’t like me going there."
“didn’t” should be “doesn’t”.

Priestly magic is too complicated for someone with no proffessional training. But… perhaps I could show you how you can easity calm your mind in stressfull situations?
“proffessional” should be “professional”, “easity” should be “easily”.

While you’ve seen him before and while you do not have to care about it, you do note that he’s an incredibly hansdome man.
“hansdome” should be “handsome”.

There is too much sand carried by the wind.
You may want to put “being” before “carried”.

"Well, the truth is I was wandering about something.
“wandering” should be “wondering”.

There are dozens of maybies, and they are all dancing in your head right now.
“maybies” should be “maybes”.

The night doesn’t seem nearly as frightning, and the wind feels warm and bright.
“frightning” should be “frightening”.

When you open yourself to the universe, you cannot really foresee, what might find you interesting.
I’d remove the second comma.

“Are you okay?” Zephyros asks, finally pulling you out of the labirynth of confusion and uncertainty.
“labirynth” should be “labyrinth”.

As your hands move across the surface of the wall, you don’t notice anything that would suggest you might be dealing with traps.
If the MC loses a hand, “hands” should be “hand” – this occurs throughout all the chapters.

“What is it?”" he asks.
Remove the extra quotation mark.

Since alexandrian dates are incredibly filling, you decide to skip the bread and just drink some water.
“alexandrian” should be capitalized.

Maybe the priestess simply has some weird preferances when it comes to food?
“preferances” should be “preferences”.

“You look like a hellenic god, and I’m not even exaggerating, and you’re trying to tell me that you would be afraid if I wasn’t here?”
Capitalize “hellenic”.

You turn around to avoid his penetrating gaze and reazlie you’re cheeks are gettin hot.
“reazlie” should be “realize”, “gettin” should be “getting”.

What would you like to aske her about?
“aske” should be “ask”.

She pauses suddenly and starts laughting, but you can tell her laughter is very awkward.
“laughting” should be “laughing”.

Other than that, I don’t think being a priest is any different.
Add a quotation mark at the beginning.

No, you’re pretty sure it’s something sifferent.
“sifferent” should be “different”.

Your were watching his reactions to your words, and they all seemed genuine.
“Your were” should be “You were”.

You close your eyes and think Seth.
Add “about” after “think”.

“Yes, Mrs. Persenet!”
Should “Mrs.” be “Miss” here?

“You’re going to sleep here for the next few days, Khamaat” Persenet says as you enter a small and rather simply-furnished chamber.
Add a comma after the MC’s name.

“Well, I have to say that back in Hellada people at the temple live quite differently. While this temple may be very rich on the outside, this… room leaves much to be desired.”
Add that it is Myrine/Zephyros saying this or else it looks like the MC is.

"I don’t remember the Nile Valley, and I’ve never really experienced that civilization you all seem to love so much.
Remove the quotation mark.

There are many different things that might seem imteresting, but you’re pretty sure you will only be able to focus on a single thing.
“imteresting” should be “interesting”.

She’s about to point to where you’re going to be sitting, when suddenly a tall man stands from the small table and raises his hands in your direction.
Add a line of space between this line and the next paragraph

As you’re thinking these thoughts, you feel something strike you in the back of your head, and everything goes black. To be continued.
Remove the “To be continued.”

“But can’t priests just bring water from the sky?”
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one.

"I am not sure what to tell you, but I don’t think Apophis has ever been considered a god.
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one as well.

You definitely heart the sounds of the morning ritual.
“heart” should be “heard”.

“Can’t you tell me more?”
Add a line of space after this line and the next paragraph.

I was the one who created it." “Anything else?”
I would rework the “Anything else?” line so it’s not in it’s own quotations when Apepi’s dialogue ends the page – otherwise, add a line of space between the two paragraphs.

You’re so shockes you start coughing.
“shockes” should be “shocked”.

There’s a flash of lightning, red and hateful, and it fills your mind with of misery and loneliness.
Remove the “of” before “misery”.

You’re going to enter that inner sanctum, find the enough of Ra and destroy it.
Not sure what “enough” is supposed to be here.

Looking forward to the rest of chapter six! :relaxed:

6 Likes

Changelog
10 October 2020

  • Added another portion of Chapter 6 (ca. 1200 words, excluding code). You can now open the left door and explore what’s behind it.
  • Fixed a continuity issue in one of the scenes with Apepi.
  • Corrected many typos.
  • Made the game clearer. There should now be less missing spaces between paragraphs and, hopefully, there are no more redundant quotation marks.

@expectedoperator Thank you so much for pointing out all these typos (I’ve already fixed the vast majority of them) and continuity bugs! I’m glad you managed to enjoy the game despite these issues!

I’ve already fixed the bug in one of Apepi’s scenes, but I still need to introduce some of the other changes you mentioned.

The gods will all have unique dialogue in the final version of the game, but I’ll take care of that when I get to revising the game for the closed beta. This was already on my “to do list”, but thank you for pointing it out. I do know their conversations may seem lacking at the moment. Well, unless your patron god is Ra. He already has unique scenes.

I will see what I can do about Myrine/Zephyros, and I’ll definitely try to implement a bit more information about the Veil, possibly in the prologue.

Once again, thank you so much for your feedback. It was immensely helpful! :blush:

18 Likes

@Dariel This game looks so cool, but im having trouble getting past chapter 1

I think I’m caught in a death loop and every option is leading to a death…I’m playing as a rogue with low magic, but with every loop my stats raise…I’ve got 99 perception but It certainly doesn’t keep me from dying!

2 Likes

very fun game! Apepi sorta creeps me out, but i like him :slight_smile:, while Zephyros is just adorable :kissing_heart: cant wait for more!

1 Like

Changelog
14 October 2020

  • Added another portion of Chapter 6 (ca. 5000 words, excluding code). The main story moves forward. We’re sooo close to getting to the most important rooms in the inner sanctum (or to finding Apepi).
  • Fixed some typos.

@Mistyleaf123 Thank you so much! I’m glad you like the story!

@VeloursLapin Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It’s not the first rogue-related bug, but I’ll make sure to fix it in the next update. Could you tell me during which scene you get stuck in a loop? Falling off the cliff?

8 Likes

The way the chapter stopped on that CLIFFHANGER, omg :eyes: I feel like following Apepi’s path for this route made this entire section even more exciting to read!! Catch me super pumped to see what happens next :clap:

2 Likes

I’m seeing this too – for my playthrough, it looks like it’s because the choice where the storm starts (and its options that affect sanity, education, perception, etc.) appears after the label that the player is returned to if the MC dies on the cliff.

Typos

You throw him a surprised glance, unsure if he’s being serious, but his expression tells you that he’s definitely not joking.
There’s an extra line of space in between this paragraph and the next.

“I’m not sure. I think I hear or maybe felt something.”
“hear” should be “heard”.

I’ll be the one making decisions, but I’ll always try to make them good for you.
Add a quotation mark at the end.

Realizing there’s nothing left for you here, you let out a small sigh and follow Menkaure onto the corridor.
“onto” should be “into”.

“Why are you here, then?”
Add a line of space between this line and the next paragraph.

Surprisingly enough, this chamber looks unlike anything you’ve seen so far.
If the MC visits the meditation chamber through the left door then this paragraph makes less sense, because that room is also dark and without any inscriptions.

1 Like

Yup during the storm, falling off the cliff. happens with and without the amulet

1 Like
minortypos

Seeing your reaction, she smiles and brings his lips to yours. her lips

"Myrine nods at that. “That’s right, Sahure. Let’s end this.” To be continued. Remove the first quotation mark

As you consider your options, you realize that you could try to get to him with magic. her, Myrine

When looking to talk to Persenet for the first time (when we can choose to), I suggest another phrase for whenever we ask something and can choose again, the “Persenet rolls her ask before asking whaddyawant” stuff looks weird when you’ve been talking for a while

"It’s so hot today […] Can we go somehwere else?. Remove that stop

“*Mr. Khuenre? It’s me, Dedi!” Remove that asterisk?

you ask with a warn, encouraging smile. warm

“Can I go to?” Dedi asks eagerly. too

“I’m not sure. I think I hear or maybe felt something.” heard, for both Myrine and Persenet

1 Like

Changelog
19 October 2020

  • Added another portion of Chapter 6 (ca. 4250 words, excluding code). If you’re NOT romancing Apepi, this update means the end of Chapter 6 and the open beta!
  • Lowered some stat checks in Chapter 1 (for rogues).
  • Fixed many typos and a couple of sentence continuity issues.

@expectedoperator @Vilrek Thank you so much for the feedback!

@VeloursLapin I introduced some changes to that scene - lowered certain checks and changed some label connections. Hopefully, it works for you now. If it doesn’t, I’ll try to recreate the bug again when I sit down to work on Chapter 7.

15 Likes

I decided to play Apepi’s route (i usually stick with Zephyros ) and it was amazing and mysterious! the last bit was an interesting twist :slight_smile:

2 Likes

I’m really enjoying how all the answers are falling into place for the different routes. One thing I noticed, though, was that Menkaure completely left the scene once I began searching the room.

Typos

I will follow your lead, not matter what, but I really don’t like the idea of going out there and killing everyone."
“not” should be “no”.

When he speaks again, he’s eyes are focused on yours, and you can tell that he wants you to know you can count on him.
“he’s” should be “his”.

You take a moment to have a look around, trying to determine if you’re really being watched, but, thought you try very hard to focus, you keep getting disturbed.
“thought” should be “though”.

You must have missed it before because it isn’t made of wood.
There’s a large space between this paragraph and the next.

3 Likes

@Mistyleaf123 Thank you! I’m glad you’re enjoying the story! :blush:

@expectedoperator Thanks for the feedback! I’ve already updated the demo with the fixes. You should now be able to see a couple of interjections from Menkaure, Persenet or Z/M near the end of the chapter. There was simply a coding mistake!

3 Likes

23 October 2020 - The OPEN BETA is complete!

The last content update for the open beta of Temple of Endless Night has been uploaded earlier today! It adds a bit under 3000 words of content and marks the end of Chapter 6 and the OPEN BETA. It’s been quite a journey, but I’m happy with the progress that has been made.

I want to thank every single one of you for playing the game, for being interested and for giving me useful feedback!

Chapter 7 and the Epilogue will only be available to those who tell me that they want to take part in the closed beta that will be announced as soon as it’s ready.

After that, the story will be submitted to Hosted Games.

I’m going to spend the next few weeks working on the Chronicles of Sekherion. I will add new scenes to the alpha build (on Patreon), and I’m going to work on a surprise for the Keepers of the Third Tablet (CHoS-related side story/project).

Once again, thank you all for playing ToEN! <3

21 Likes

Yay! I’m excited for this! Keep up the good work on this awesome game!

2 Likes

I enjoyed both endings to chapter six, but I really liked the ominous buildup in the newest update.

When Apepi starts telling the MC about the history at the end, perhaps there could be an example or two for further detail. Otherwise being told that the royal cult has lied loses some impact since the player doesn’t know what those important events were.

Typos

Prologue:
I am a priest. I serve my god, my king and the people of Egypt.
Perhaps “priest” should become “priestess” here if the MC is female.

“Could you possibly tell me somethingmore about those papyri?” you ask.
“somethingmore” should be “something more”.

Chapter One:
"You’re right, “Meresankh. Now is not the time.”
Remove the quotation mark before the MC’s name.

Chapter Two:
As a Priestess, you’ve been to many temples, and you’ve seen lots of different types of architecture.
“Priestess” should be lowercase.

How do you react to this his remark?
Remove either “this” or “his” – also, I noticed that Zephyros/Myrine’s stat changes here if you visit the building on the left, but not if you visit the other buildings in the courtyard.

"I’m so sorry, Meresankh.There was a terrible accident.
Add a space between the two sentences.

I’m not that old.They hired some workers, architects and artists, and created the temple you see today.
Add a space between the two sentences.

“Interesting,” the priest humms.
“humms” should be “hums”.

Chapter Three:
This may change everything. Do you understand?
Add a quotation mark at the end.

While I may not be as superstitious and afraid as," She glances at Master Ahmose,
“She” should be lowercase.

As you address Ra, his energy fills your heard and moves through your arm to your fingertips, ultimately entering the cup.
Should “heard” be “heart” here?

Chapter Four:
Especially with what happened during that supper.
Add a quotation mark at the end.

Chapter Five:
That night, darkness comes much faster and with a greater force than usual.
Add a line of space between this paragraph and the previous one.

Chapter Six:
“But I’m already a Priestess.”
“Priestess” should be lowercase.

I’d like to take part in the beta when it’s ready. :relaxed:

2 Likes

You’re right, and I’ll make sure to change that for the closed beta!

Your feedback is always invaluable, and I’d love to have you as one of the beta testers! Also, thank you for pointing to these typos. I’ve already updated the demo with fixes! Although, according to the code, the last “Priestess” shouldn’t be capitalized. I’ll need to take a closer look when I work on the closed beta.

Once again, thank you! :blush:

3 Likes

I’m in awe of your sheer commitment

3 Likes

I started reading this today and completed it in 3 hrs…I must say you were able to capture the beauty of Egypt and the horrors of the temple pretty well…Also Myrine and Persenet are added to my favourite RO’s list…Need to check the other two. Awaiting for the full release.:blush:

2 Likes

I haven’t encountered Menkaure at all…Any help please?..

1 Like