What if John and Damon are in the same team? Alex makes them play by wearing a getting along shirt HAHAHA
Still very curious though on a John romance. I don’t think I’ve seen any flags (visible flags at least) for him yet
You can tease him a couple times and he smiles faintly. I think it;s gonna be a subtle one.
Can you imagine John trying to help Katherine even though they’re on opposing teams though? And his helping ends up making her lose by accident.
Also, I got that scene with Damon in the dream for the first time.
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Query: is this ever updated? Not to sound rude or anything but just wondering. Love the idea of the game btw. I feel like I’m in mass effect. Or in x-men. Or avengers and any other bad ass team of bad asses.
Oooo, can you explain how got the scene? Please?
I can’t remember exactly but on one of Damon’s question lines you can ask him about his dreams, and then you can comment that your dreams are usually more pleasant, and that he’s in them.
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I wouldn’t know, I’m afraid. 
@Dolphinzgirl I noticed a typo in Damon’s dream sequence, by the way. It’s in the scene after we ask about the businessman we met in the lobby.
"He got his bride loan,
It should be bridge instead of bride, I think.
I found it while trying to (re-)get the scene @RedRoses was talking about, if anyone’s interested (no you’re not). 
EDIT: I found another one in the MC’s past/dream, the one where their Captain dies.
It’s in the scene after we choose to say, “I was part of the honor guard at your funeral.”
Even now, you’re lips form the words.
It should be your instead of you’re, I think.
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If no one else is able to replicate it by tonight, I’ll see what I can do 
Ha, found it! …even when I was seriously tempted to say “kittens”. (I personally like the promise for better memories in the future more)
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My frustration with Damon’s dream sequence is like WOULD YOU JUST KISS MY POOR MC ALREADY LIKE WE ALL KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN DANCING AROUND THE SUBJECT SINCE PARIS
Part of me feels though his (or maybe Sarah’s/Owen’s) romance might be set up like Jack’s from ME. Like it might flag it as a physical one (which dooms the romance unless salvageable at another point) or not opting for the frickle frackles at first opens up the real deal
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Is there an updated link to the game? Because I saw comment about how the team remembers playing football together so I just want to make sure I’ve played the updated version.
It’s just Damon and the MC. After Damon’s flashback, the story returns to present day and the MC can choose to talk with Damon for a bit longer. The flag football is mentioned if the MC chooses to say, “I can’t believe he’s really gone.”
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Oh ok thanks for letting me know!
Ok, first off I wanna say I’m really sorry because this just seems like such a nit-picky thing but I want to suggest it anyway; near the beginning, when you’re looking at the photograph of you and your old team, I think Alex should be mentioned last for emotional impact.
Here’s what the line looks like right now:
Sarah. Owen. Damon. Yourself. Alex, grinning back at you from the photo. John. Kat.
And here’s something I’d recommend:
Sarah. Owen. Damon. Yourself. John. Kat.
And Alex, in the center of the group, grinning back at you.
Also, when you first arrive at Sarah’s house and talk to her, here’s the dialogue:
She opens the door and leads you into the hallway. “The funeral is tomorrow at noon. I really am glad everyone decided to come in early. It seems like a fitting way to remember him. You’re the last to arrive you know.”
“I suppose that gives everything a certain symmetry,” you reply.
The ‘you reply’ is unnecessary, since it’s only the two of them speaking and clutters the action a bit more and slows the momentum.
Also when speaking with Damon, if ‘we all will [miss Alex].’ , you get this bit:
“I know, Avery, you just seem to have caught me in a contemplative mood.”
You only need the comma after he mentions the PC’s name. Using two commas is similar to putting whatever’s inbetween in parenthesis, as in, it’s not necessary information and could be cut. Or make the ‘I know’ a sentence all on its own, which would change Damon’s tone.
When you’re first told about Team Zero and you becoming leader? That needs an emotional response. That needs a pause, not just for story purposes (because who would be blaise about being told all this?) but also so the reader has some time to process what’s going on and remain immersed in the world you’re building for them.
Another example of this is when Damon mentions Operation Eagle Claw. The MC could shudder, grimace, or have some sort of reaction to this. It also could be insight to whatever the mission was and, again, help give the reader a clear mental image of the world you’ve made. It doesn’t have to be big, but in my experience, little details go a loooong way.
I also don’t think Damon should be so nonchalant about their asocial behavior. Having him grimace, pause, clear his throat or the like would be an action to show the readers that he’s not just aware of this flaw, but embarrassed about it (it’s fine if he IS fine with it, since it’ll be totally in-character for an ambitious billionare who doesn’t care what other people think of him, but //that should illicit a response from the PC//. Shock, bemusement, annoyance, that would be YOUR choice as the writer. Any of those would be an appropriate response without taking away from the reader’s ability to step into the MC’s shoes or lose autonomy over how they play their character.)
Reading the files would also be a good place to establish implied relationships between the future team and Damon. Not like, having an affair with them or anything, but preconceived notions. Are there pictures of him with Sarah at her famous Galas or Soirees? Does he detest Owen for being a merc, or has he used his services? Heck, if he was contemptuous of Alex and his goody-goody attitude would be a great twist to how close he is in the present (close enough to miss him and show up to his funeral, at least).
This line: “Still, you think, taking a deep breath, the old SEAL motto really is true, the only easy day was yesterday.” While grammatically correct (I think), there’s just too many commas which create a lot of pauses while reading.
There’s a couple of ways to change it while keeping the same spirit, but I feel like I’ve been waaay too nitpicky and have talked way too long.
“He’s not just running … he’s running.” Italicize that, but I feel like that’s kinda of a moot point.
I’m really sorry about all this, because I still really enjoy playing this and I wanna see more. I think it needs a little polishing and expanding, but it’s still an interesting story with interesting characters.
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I’ve always been taught that in this context, you would want the two commas because the name isn’t a necessary part of the sentence. If you remove a comma, it changes to “I know Avery,” which means that Damon knows Avery themself, not that he knows the thing.
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I can’t believe I forgot that rule, thank you for pointing that out!
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Out of curiosity does anyone have a canon file/game run? I haven’t settled on mine yet either :))
@Bootsykk There will be interaction between everyone soon! I’m working on some of it right now, and it is such a glorious disaster 
The flag football thing was something that I originally just threw in to serve as a noodle incident, but I might end up elaborating on it.
@squarelyblue As for whether the team will reform or not, that is totally spoilery, so I can’t say nuthin’.
As for the John romance, it’s definitely a very slow burn. Although I probably will go in and add a bit more flirty stuff early on at some point. I have a sticky note to that effect on my desk somewhere.
As for Damon’s romance, I will be taunting you with all the UST for a while 
And there’s no Jack style romance. Even if you start a purely physical relationship with someone, you’ll still have the chance for a relationship upgrade.
@CrayfoPottah Yup, you can totally romance John if you disagree with his views. It’s more about how and why you disagree with him then whether you do or not. And you can disagree with characters and still romance them to a point (I mean, you can’t run around kicking puppies and still hook up with Alex, but you can disagree with them and you certainly don’t need to suck up to them in order to start a romance). As for the stat aspect, that’s something I’m still fiddling around with. At one point, I was going to do it more like the one in DA2, at another point there was going to be a respect stat and a hidden like/attracted to stat, but right now I’ve basically decided to just write what I want and then figure out the stat aspect later. I think I lean toward having some variety of stats/flags controlling the romance, though.
Also, thanks for finding those typos!
@Lanawinst It’s all part of my evil plan to make people do all of the playthroughs. Now you can’t just do a playthrough for each RO, there are multiple versions. I’ll trap you forever, mwahaha!
@RedRoses That picture is the best thing I’ve seen all day.
@Mxm124 It’ll be updated when America becomes less litigious 
I work on it every day, but it’s sort of decreased from an hour a day to five minutes every day lately.
@River Thanks so much for the super well thought out constructive criticism! What I have up right now is very much a rough draft, so I’m totally coming back to this when I reach the wonderful day when I can do a polish pass or ten
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Take my money already (seriously, this game is amazing and hope that it pushes through).
I really really need to know what’s up with Alex. Hoping that if he is indeed Bucky’d, we get a chance to get him back.
Imagine telling a romanced Alex the equivalent of “I’m with you till the end of the line” (oh no I didn’t need my heart).
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Wow. This is really good! One of the better WIPs I have seen here. Have you played any Bioware games? Because the part where you recruit your team reminds me of Mass Effect 2’s main quest. And the part where you deal with your nightmare is similar to the Fade/dream sequence in Dragon Age Origins.
Awaiting the next update! This game is amazing.
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@squarelyblue That would be pretty darn adorable. And now I need to go watch Winter Soldier again. I hope you’re happy 
@Personaddict07 I’m glad you’re enjoying it! I’m a huge Bioware junkie, although I’m really more of an Obsidian girl at heart. And the Fade sequence was definitely one of the many inspirations for the nightmare scene.
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