what I found
- Your brother and you play all kinds of games, and have all kinds of fun together! You bested him in many a game, and him you, but your bond only grows stronger!
This may just me, but I found and him you, is unnecessary here, are you perhaps planning to add it more?
- Some kids are all planning on staying out late this night, and you want to join them, but you’re sure you’ll get in lots of trouble if you stay out too too late. They are having a gathering where there will be a campfire, and what they call siljua.
I don’t think second too is needed here.
Perhaps you do type two “busy” in purpose but I going to let you know anyway.
- The local temple, ofcourse. None need volunteers for reading passages of scripture, and serving the needy, than the Temple of Alorum, God of Magical Means.
of course, just need space.
This one is suggestion:
- You head up to your room, and see nobody along the way. It seems like not a lot of people are members here, or at least you’re not seeing many, and you go straight to sleep wondering where everyone is. You awake bright and early, after a good nights sleep. You know you must make it to the grades keeper to see if he is expecting you, and you’re sure he will be. You think about training and walk slowly, since you’re not in any HUGE hurry. You see the title Grades Keeper’s Study on the open door, and you knock. He’s sitting at his desk, and welcomes you in. He says, “You must be Thena. I hope the guild has taken you in kindly, and it is my job to make sure you obey all of the rules we have here. Don’t steal, don’t go out of your way to hurt anyone, and generally do what is asked of you. You’ll find that this place is forgiving to many things, but not guile. First I will need to test your abilities, so meet me behind the guild on the training grounds, and I’ll be along shortly.”
I suggest to break this into paragraph.
I found it odd mc know Candle name even though mc not even know her.
With the sudden death of Candle, all of your friends are acting strange. It’s unfortunate that your arrival is so close to marking the death of one of your new friend’s friends. Although, these new friends have clearly ignited something in you. You found you only enjoyed conversations with those you knew best in your life, but you already feel somewhat at home with these new friends. You have a blast training, and learn more than you can take in about this sort of thing, but it is only day one. Next you spend a great deal of time hanging out with those new friends, which is fine by you. You reminisce about everything, and anything that had happened to you, and sharing these events and secrets began a bond that could last a lifetime.
These also weird, my mc not even have friend yet…
I feel like this too…rushed, especially the beginning. There also many things that confuse me, for example why mc not talking to his/her brother before go to that school? And is mc really need rival?