Talon City: Murderous Prey (WiP, Chapter 6 added 5/16/19! Story 15% Finished!)

thriller
gender-choice
#22

Chapter 3 is up! Primary stats are partially built up now over the first three chapters, so stat checks are coming soon.

Next update will be this coming weekend!

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#23

@Eric_Moser could make the life of a blade of grass interesting. I recommend trying it!

#24

@Harley_Robin_Evans, I added a bit more summary to help you and others decide if you’re interested or not. Frankly, I assume by the time I post the next three chapters, it will be pretty obvious to readers whether or not the story is for them.

@Arasia_Valentia, “This is the story of my life, an epic tale where I bend but never break, where I face the howling winds of adversity, where I survive, nay thrive, in the noxious excrement of my enemies! This is my tale!”

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#25

No one:

Me, a man of culture:

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#26

Don’t you mean a Pokemon of culture :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::owl::duck::hatched_chick:

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#27

I just played it with black pages/white type for the first time…and holy crap it looks awesome graphically when read that way! It makes the CCH interface seem boring by comparison.

@HomingPidgeon, your stuff looks awesome!

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#28

So glad to see they turned out so nice in action!

Found a handful of errors

The start of chapter 2 has the chapter 1 header


Bottom choice has a quotation mark at the start that it shouldn’t


The gender of the guard owl is inconsistent, and in the top paragraph the narration switches to third person


“Without giving Concordia a chance to response,” should be “respond,” and I assume “Annalyn” should be “Serena”

1 Like
#29

Thanks, @HomingPidgeon, those were mostly a few things I missed from tweaking scenes from a previous version. I will try to be more :eagle:-eyed in the future!

I’ll be silent for a couple days as I prep Chapters 4-6 for this coming weekend’s update.

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#30

Eagle eyed huh? Congrats, you earned that chuckle.

Edit: AHEM! It just came to me why this story seems oddly familiar, in a good way of course. The MC reminds me of Atticus from To kill a mockingbird! In the book Atticus was defending a person pretty much everyone else wanted dead, but he still tried his damndest to win it. Also a little off topic but yeah I named my MC Owal. And what? AND WHAT?

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#31

Owal? Perhaps an homage to GoT’s aptly named Drogan the dragon? :dragon: Rahhh

And uh yeah if any reader says, “Oh this reminds me of To Kill a Mockingbird, but with choices and animal characters (including an actual mockingbird),” I couldn’t ask for more than that.

3 Likes
#32

Chapter 4 was a bit bigger than I planned (2,700 words), so I went ahead and updated tonight. Link is in the original post.

My main concern with Chapter 4 is that the stat check on the choice where you take action after Serena is brought into the courtroom The checks for that choice test Tenacity, Ferocity, and Brilliance, and require a 35 in the stat being check (basically it means you had to have chosen that stat in 2 of the 3 applicable choices in the story up to that point. Success means a 10% increase in Serena relationship. From my testing, it appeared to be running fine, but I didn’t test all options. If you find a :beetle::honeybee::ant:, please let me know!

I’m still aiming to get Chapters 5-6 done by Sunday night to hit the 15% completed point.

2 Likes
#33

I’m very interested in this game. I’m personally a fan of the MC’s melodramatics. I did however notice an error on the stat screen. What was the Brilliance and Ferocity stat bar titles are now blank. As is the Concordia relationship stat, and the Sorin stat is on the far right of the screen. Sorry kind of new here so I don’t know how to post a screenshot.

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#34

Thanks for the catch! Something about the way I had coded the subheadings was apparently screwing up the spacing/indenting on the Stats page. I removed the subheadings for now, uploaded the fix, and it looks fine now.

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#35

You’re welcome. Keep up the good work.

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#36

Okay, I’m running 24 hours behind! Update will be posted before I go to bed tonight.

What is the opposite of an early :bird:? Hmmm

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#37

Night🦉

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#38

Update up!

And well played, @MeltingPenguins!

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#39

Looks like the stats screen headers aren’t up, other than the top one. That intentional?

I think a little more description of the Open would do the game some good, before the MC gets too deep into their business with Ayvex. I get the gist of “civilized city; lawless surroundings”, but as Ayvex comes more into the story I have more questions about it, and I think the answers might influence the way I interact with her. Is Ayvex an actual leader there, or just someone respected with power? Does she have any kind of formal rule? The impression I get about the Open is just that it’s anywhere that isn’t Talon City (or another similar place with laws and rules), but is it just another territory that happens to be right next to Talon City? Could birds go past the Open and into some other even less incorporated territory? It might make more sense for Ayvex to be a representative of the Open, rather than a leader there–that could still come with a very threatening aura (it could still have the implication that she’s the scariest/most imposing/strongest Raptor outside of Talon City).

And is there any tangible benefit to Feeders to living in the Open? I get that the Balancing is a very threatening and scary time–so is the idea that in the Open, you can die whenever, but any Raptors hunting there might just go for a rodent instead, whereas in the city limits, when the Balancing occurs you’re the only option?

1 Like
#40

Thanks, that is very helpful feedback.

The headers aren’t up because for some reason they screwed up the spacing on the stats screen during the last update. I’ll go back and fix it later.

I do think that much of what you’re wondering about will be addressed in the next 2-3 chapters, but I’ll definitely be mindful of perhaps needing to sprinkle a little more background stuff into earlier chapters if the Ayvex situation is confusing now. Again, hopefully many of your questions are resolved in Chapter 6; I’ve drafted some chunks but I need to edit. It’s my favorite chapter so far in that it really addresses many of themes of the story.

Essentially, you are right; “The Open” is everything other than Talon City. Now, are there other cities or towns or such elsewhere? I honestly haven’t taken the world-building that far yet, but I’m afraid other settlements would kill the unique experiment that is TC. But I still have room to expand world-building if I feel it’s justified.

Conk will tell her story about living in the Open a few Chapters from now, but yes there are pros and cons to living in TC versus the Open, and the ones you mention are some of them. I want to structure things so that reasonable birds could disagree about which environment is better for them.

2 Likes
#41

It’s not necessarily confusing–and I probably wouldn’t even give it much thought were the game complete. As is, I have to stop and consider the story because the next chapters aren’t out yet–none of my questions were distracting by any means, just what came to mind when the demo ended, and I would appreciate a little more context around what exactly her role is while I’m deciding how my character feels about/wants to interact with Ayvex.

I don’t think it really necessitates more world-building, other than that if Ayvex is really in charge of everywhere outside of Talon City, that sounds like too much territory for one bird to rule, and makes me wonder how she (or her predecessor) felt about Talon City springing up in the first place. The game not being concerned with the world outside of its immediate surroundings is fine, and the question of whether other bird societies exist isn’t one I’m that interested in right now. Or, rather, the question of what rules other bird societies might have isn’t.

1 Like