Tale of conquest: Histoire de conquête. (New link)(Wip) Minor update 5 october 2019

Well i was kind of aware of the bug in the french version. I started to write it firstly. But i have not corrected it yet, i will do it tomorrow. As for the english’s bug i will check about it right away. Thank you ^^

This was an interesting start to the story. I think your use of showing all the characters’ thoughts in the narration was well done because you did it so consistently. So far I liked all the characters and am wondering what the father’s secret is.

Here's some typos I saw

He was wearing black leather boots and brown leather pant.
“pant” should be “pants”.

“Vincent!!” shouted the white bearded man.
I think “white bearded” should be “white-bearded”.

“My wife? What happened to her? Tell me, Father.” cut Vincent with worry on his sweaty face.
The period after “Father” should be a comma.

“Relax, dear child. Breathe in deeply and exhale”
Needs a period after “exhale”.

Vincent obviously happy smiled with a wide smile and says.“That’s great news, Father.”
“says” should be “said” and the period right after that should be a comma.

“Come on Marion, one last push. It’s almost over.” Says a woman in her thirties.
The period after “over” should be a comma, and “Says” should be “said”.

Hi light blue eyes like a cloudless sky, looked at this woman who was supposed to help her out of this pain…soon.
“Hi” should be “her”.

Ouin…ouin…ouin…
Needs to be translated.

“There, it’s over now… Congratulations Marion.” Says the young woman with a wide smile.
The period after “Marion” should be a comma, and “Says” should be “said”.

“…a beautiful baby boy”
Both this option and the girl option need a period at the end.

Sitting in a chair by the bed, the young woman was looking at you and your mother
Needs a period at the end.

She was happy to have helped Marion give birth. But she couldn’t help but be upset by her attitude a little earlier.
I would change the period after “birth” into a comma and change “But” to lowercase so it’s all one sentence.

She thinks she probably would have done the same if it were her.
“thinks” should be “thought”.

Footsteps echoing in the hallway behind the door pulled her out of her toughts.
“toughts” should be “thoughts”.

Your father rushed to you and your mother is side.
“mother is” should be “mother’s”.

“You gave me such a beautiful daughter,” Your father said, looking at his wife with a smile on his face.
“Your” should be lowercase.

“Yes, she’ll take my mother’s first name”
Needs a period at the end.

Your father looked at Your mother with supplicant eyes. “But my love, we said that if it’s a boy, he’d take your father’s first name and if it’s a girl, she’d take my mother’s first name”
“Your mother” should be all lowercase, and there should be a period at the end of the dialogue.

“Oh! We said that?” Your mother asked, putting a finger on her cheek as if to remember something she had forgotten. But soon, her smile betrays her.
“Your” should be “your”, “betrays” should be “betrayed”.

“See, you remember it very well,” Your father Saïd smiling.
“Your” should be “your”, “Saïd” should be “said”.

“…Maelyn”
All the name options need a period at the end.

What’s your last-name?
“last-name” doesn’t need a hyphen.

“Enael Mossflare.” your mother said toughtfully. “I like it, but i wish she’d taken my mother’s name.”
The period after the last name should be a comma, “toughtfully” should be “thoughtfully”, and “i” should be "I’.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart.” your father said, squeezing her hand.
The period after "sweetheart should be a comma.

“Okay.” your mother replied with a smile.
Period after “okay” should be a comma.

The sun’s rays was passing through the window just above the bed, barely lightening the small room.
“was” should be “were”, “lightening” should be “lighting”.

The Old Man and the young woman were still here, not wanting to cut short this magical moment that a family shares after the birth of a child.
“Old Man” should be “old man”.

“Uh… Vincent, I think it would be better to let Marion rest.” said the old man.
The period after “rest” should be a comma.

“But father, I feel very well.” your mother protested.
The period after “well” should be a comma.

Your mother didn’t know what to say after the old man’s authoritative words. She replied with a “Okay, Father.”
This contradicts the previous sentence where she protested saying she felt very well.

“You will meet me in the chapel as soon as Marion wakes up,” said he continued addressing to the young woman.
I’d reword “said he continued addressing to the young woman” – perhaps something like “said the old man as he addressed the young woman”.

Then he opened the door and left out followed by your father.
Remove “out” and maybe reworded this too – something like “Then he opened the door and left with your father.”

“Yes, yes, I no longer count the number of times I heard that one.” replied the old man.
The period after “one” should be a comma.

I can say that you don’t hit me like the ordinary guy who are so numerous on this world." said the old man.
Maybe “hit” should be “strike”, “the” should be “an”, the period after “world” should be a comma.

"Even if you are “abnormal” as you said, i have been watching you all these years and i know you are a good person.
“i” should be “I”.

“Maybe.” Vincent replied.
The period after “Maybe” should be a comma.

Looking forward to getting the sword. :relaxed:

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Wow!! Wow!!! You probably took a lot of your time to report all of that . Thank you very much ^_^. It will help me a lot.

Hi everyone. So i deleted the old game and created a new one cause i was encountering some problems with uploading my files. Now some parts of the stat screen are done.

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Hi ! I tried to replay through the French demo and see the stats screen but trying to access the stats generates this error message “prologuefr line 40: Non-existent variable ‘maxpv’” and the same error message pops up when I try to go further in the story, after Marion gives birth (there’s the error message where I should see the scene where I choose my character’s sex)

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OK, thank you. I will fix it right away :slight_smile:

Hi. I’m interested in this, it’s a pretty good start. But, there is an issue loading the game (english version) after the scene where the Father is speaking to the MCs father, right after the birth. There is a 404 error and it asks for the user to refresh the browser. But when I refreshed and replayed the game, the same issue occurred.

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Actually, That’s where the english part end. I will upload other scene soon. Thank you ^_^.

I just fixed it :slight_smile: Try again and see if you finnd other bugs.

Hello guys. So it’s just a minor update. The prologue of both langages and half of the stats screen are done. I’m currently writing the ending XD and the chap1fr and chap1en. I will update it again as soon as i finish both chapters. Have a good day :slight_smile:

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Hi. Still a good start and I’m still interested :grin:

However, I have some concerns with how many exclamation points are being used as the characters speak. For example when the priest is talking with the MCs father, I’m picturing the scene as being a quiet and private moment between the two of them, and exclamation (excitement or surprise or shouting) should be little to none. The exclamation seems out of place; the same with the ending scene where the MCs father is talking to him or her while the mother’s asleep.

Summary

More scenes are captured below.

Hope this helps :relaxed:

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This curse passed down from the eldest of each generation sounds interesting! I wonder who are the “they” the father was talking about… I also liked the stats screen you added.

Here are more typos I saw – I might have repeated a few that I saw previously, so apologizes in advance.

Typos

Vincent obviously happy smiled and said"That’s a great news, Father!"
There should be a space and comma after “said”.

“Of cours! Lead the way.”
“cours” should be “course”.

She was leaning over the one she named Marion who was lying on the bed.
“the one she named” should be “the one named”.

“There, it’s over now… Congratulations Marion!” Said the young woman with a wide smile.
“Said” should be “said”.

Driven by the maternal instinct, your mother extended her arms to take you.
Remove “the” before maternal.

“You gave me such a beautiful daughter.” your father said, looking at his wife with a smile on his face.
The period after daughter should be a comma.

“All we have to do now is give her his first name.” he continued.
The period after name should be a comma – also, I was playing as a girl, so “his” should be “her”.

“Ah! yes, I’ve already chosen a first name.” replied your mother.
“yes” should be “Yes”, the period after “name” should be a comma.

“But my love, we said that if it’s a boy, he’d take your father’s first name and if it’s a girl, she’d take my mother’s first name”
There should be a period after the last “name”.

“…Maelyn”
All the names in the choices need periods at the end.

“To see these things over and over again every day of my life.” replied your father
The period after “life” should be a comma, and there should be a period after “father”.

Have a good day! Vincent." said the father.
The period after “Vincent” should be a comma.

“Thank you! Have a good day too, Father.” Vincent replied.
The period after “Father” should be a comma.

He thoughts his wife was the most stubborn of all the people he knew.
“thoughts” should be “thought”.

“You should buy her some clothes…more suitable.” the young woman said.
The period after “suitable” should be a comma.

“I’ll never be able to live in peace. Not while they’re alive.” he said, sighing.
The period after “alive” should be a comma.

What you were sure about ils that all that talk made you sleepy.
“ils” should be “is”.

In the stat screen –

Maxhealth: 10
“Maxhealth” should be “Max health”.

Mele: 0%
“Mele” should be “Melee”.

RELATHIONSHIPS
should be “RELATIONSHIPS”.

Looking forward to chapter one. :relaxed:

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Hi! Thanks :slight_smile: I’ll make sure to change that in the next update.

Thank you again :slight_smile: You are really helping me a lot.

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Hi everyone. I had a few problem related to school that’s why i couldn’t keep writing this wip. But now that all my problems are solved. I’m back at it again. I managed to write a bit since the last update.

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I wish you the best of luck dude, the title sounds interesting, so I’m gonna wait for this.

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Thank you :relaxed:

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