Supernatural in New York (WIP) [revamped 2 January 2019]

romance
gender-choice
nonbinary-inclusive
#21

You should. My twin made me play it (I was sort of over playing characters like Bigby all gristled and white) and I had so much fun. Especially this one scene I’d love to gush about but spoilers. (I’m talking about Wolf Among Us.) I am really looking forward to what you write. Good, ensemble casts are the best.

As far as stats. How about personality? It could be something as simple as a humanity score. Especially since there are non-human characters.

I partially feel like there are a lot of 20s in that character list, but then you know, cradle robbers. I could see that if this was their social group, but since they’re co-workers, maybe diversity. But it’s not a big deal. It’s a small deal x). I like the flirt option suggestion. It’s this fun extra bit like with Scout Harding in DAI. But twice as much yay.

The plot rundown sounds great, imo. I could see myself enjoying it tons and hope everything goes well with the coding.

#22

Hi guys! The demo is finally here. My friend Roxy- the coder of the game- will be posting the link below.
Enjoy :smile:

8 Likes
#23

https://dl.dropbox.com/s/4om5zm7ml9cr977/mygame.html?dl=0

9 Likes
#24

You should also edit this into the first post of this thread. So the link’s not impossible to find once people (like me) start posting comments.

Also: “Through it through the open window.” I think you mean “throw” instead of “through.” Plus this might be just a matter of opinion but “Shut the alarm” seems kinda a weird phrase to me. I feel like “turn it off” or “hit snooze” or even "shut the alarm off" would be better.

2 Likes
#25

It’s great so far, really good start keep it up👍

1 Like
#26

I was worried it died.
“Oh,well, it speaks” he smirks. “Megan was just interviewing me…”
There should be a space between oh and well.

You raise an eyebrow, though. Did he just call you kid? You’re not a kind, all right- you’re 22, and more responsible than that lazy, dizzy bum of your roommate.
Kind should be kid.

Also Megan said she might need to get the sorcerer to cast a “forgetting spell” on me, it sounded weird especially since she’s in her twenties but I wasn’t sure if I should mention it since she was so giddy there, If you do change it I recommend amnesia spell.

#27

The game’s awesome ! Can’t wait for the next part ^-^

3 Likes
#28

@pyla8 @Dark_Stalker Thanks for the catches- it’s fixed now

@Damille_Peace @Unicornswillcry Thanks :blush:

1 Like
#29

Just two small typos!

Not sure what to do, you prepare to head for the door on the left- the only door expect for the one you have just come from- when it opens and a red head peeks through it. (I believe it should be except)

“ She ’s in!” she exclaims, grinning broadly towards you and clutching a mobile in one phone. (There’s an extra space after ‘She’)

#30

Very nice demo, but I’d really like it if we had more choices about the smaller things. Also will there be stat checking, like a character with low self esteem or courage won’t stand up for his team or a character with high self-esteem will be prideful at times and even get into fights for smaller reasons, therefore making it a bigger choices on whether you want to be high in self-esteem and prideful or low and timid? Other than that, stat checks like speech or strength?

#31

Hello, I like the story, pace and general premise so far.

I believe I have found a few spelling mistake:

“It speaks" he smirks. “Megan was just interviewing me…”,you continue ignoring the strong impulse to fit him hard in the face, (space after , and assuming fit is meant to be hit)

leaning on the desk, looking down at you. “Why do you want to join your team?”(Sorry if I am miss understood something but would it not be “Why do you want to join our team”?)
sorry if I seem a bit nick-picky, keep up the good work :slight_smile:

#32

@orkwut Thanks for finding them! I’ll ask @Roxy to fix them

@Tevin Yes, there will be stat checking, at least that’s what i plan. Some situations will play out differently based on the MC’s stats.

@Sinj Thanks! :blush: We’ll get them fixed soon

#33

It made me chuckle from the start, throwing the alarm clock out the window was a great choice. The writing style is a bit different then I am use to but setting that aside I really did enjoy the story and looking forward to getting into the game. I did spot a few quick things as I went through.

your current job as librarian didn’t really harnessed your skills.
I am not a grammar expert by any means but I feel you should drop the ed and just make it harness.

you continue ignoring the strong impulse to fit him hard in the face
fit should be hit.

I look forward for more of this, great job.

#34

The demo has been updated with the whole chapter 1 :smile:

@Lordirish I’m happy you enjoyed the game :blush: - throwing the alarm clock outside was @Roxy’s idea, and a great one for sure. Thanks for those catches- we’ll have them fixed

4 Likes
#35

Just wondering- is there a particular reason the “Friendly/Hostile” opposed stats start at 10 Friendly/90 Hostile? Usually, these things start at 50/50 and then skew based on player choice. Are you meant to start the game as some kind of raging jerk (that what be kind of fantastic in its own way, honestly).

I’m looking forward to seeing how this develops! Good urban fantasy is so hard to come by.

3 Likes
#36

Hey’o. I’m very, very sorry for this monster list of errors that I thought you might consider checking out. I’m looking forward to this WIP, so, I wanted to do what I could to help out. Here’s some grammatical things that I spotted on a quick run through:

  • cars rushing down the street, rusty leaves covering the sidewalks, and kids with school backpacks hopping down the stairs of the block of flats towards their parents’ cars.
    (I took out the “,” before towards also.)

  • Then, with the sunlight bathing your modest bedroom, you head for your closed and change into…
    (You didn’t need the comma before “and.”)

  • So, looking gorgeous in some casual…
    (Just added a comma there.)

  • and if he went back to sleep after all. He arrived home only…
    (Just took out the dash and fixed the run on sentence.)

  • …you wonder why you share a flat and realize that Lenny…
    (This one is just me being nit-picky and could probably be ignored.)

  • But you’ve got more pressing matters than reflecting on your life with a vampire…

  • …with a vampire, and the consideration of writing a guide to it, so you redirect your thoughts…
    (The dashes were totally fine to use in place of the commas that I put, but I’m a comma type of person, so…sorrynotsorry.)

  • … where you have to be on time. In fact, the people don’t even know you’re coming.
    (Also changed it to another sentence instead of the dash.)

  • … thought you might be interested, as your current job…
    (Fuck yo’ dashes. Nah, it makes it flow a little bit better.)

  • … but you know your way around it by spending time learning about their…
    (Just took out the comma and added “by.”)

  • When choosing Holmes Elementary Confidential Knowledge Services (what a mouthful)… “Quite weird for such an agency, but they made a name for professionalism and a powerful detective-skilled staff.

  • I suggest changing this sentence to something like… “A quarter of an hour? later, you are standing in front of a door which other people on the street ignore. You know they can’t see it, because it’s bewitched to be…

Just a question: “…but the shingle” Wouldn’t it be “sign”, cos, shingle is for roofs n’being a disease, no?

  • You take a deep breath before opening the door and slipping inside into what looked like a small waiting room. You close the door behind you as you glance around. Some comfy sofas are scattered by the wall. A coffee table with magazines and a vase, with fresh flowers, is placed in the middle of the small waiting room.
    (Took out the comma before “into” and reverted some things into sentences. I wasn’t sure if you meant the flowers were placed in the middle of the coffee table or not, but ya.)

  • She greets you, in a friendly manner. (Something like that. The sentence didn’t make any sense… grammatically.)

  • The Hey, girl.” is oddly backwards.

I just find it a little hilarious that she greets me and I’m saluting her back. I like it. Made me laugh.

  • “First,” you answer as you show her your flyer, “I want to apply for a job here.
    (I’m not so good with grammatical fixes when it comes to second perspective, so, I’m not sure if the “you” should be capitalized or not. I’m guessing not.)

  • She then cools herself down and grins sheepishly.

  • Also, I’m happy there’s nothing wrong with the ward. That sorcerer’s services weren’t exactly cheap.

  • She waves you to follow her through the door from where she came from. You enter a room that seems to be a working place— two desks face each other, each with a wired telephone, a computer, and stacks of papers. Some sofas and chairs stand against the wall, and opposite of the door you two? we? you entered from, there’s a door frame filled with shiny beads in a multi-color cascade.
    (Fixed some sentences. Wasn’t sure on the whole “they” thing because I’m completely out of my element when it comes to second person.)

When Megan goes to the desk, is it suppose to be “Post-It’s” or something?

  • I’m gonna ask you some questions, and you try to replay as honest as possible… you know, to try to make a good impression?” she said, waving her pen towards you. "So, let’s start.
    (That was me just being nit-picky on the whole “So, let’s” thing.)

  • "A male voice questions, cutting Megan off.
    (I just wanted to capitalize the “A.” You technically don’t have to do anything else with the sentence, I just wrote it that way becausewhynot.)

  • His dark eyebrows are arched in a quizzical expression…

  • Hi, Grey!

  • This is how I would do this one part; I also corrected some of the grammatical issues in it: “Megan was just interviewing me…” you begin to say, “when your stupid ass came here and interrupted.” Though, of course you don’t say that last part aloud.

  • She explains to the man…

  • "He considers her offer for a moment, then he replies, “You know what? Let me interview this one.
    (You started using a colon, which wasn’t really part of your original dialogue structure.)

I suggest when Grey takes over and Megan starts mumbling, you indent the two sentences so the quotes aren’t bunched together when Dominic replies to her (adorable) pouting.

  • Hm, but can I trust you not to scare her off?” The redhead muses, stroking her chin.

God dammit, I love these sarcastic remarks, or so, I think is. The lessons on instant hypnosis really feels like sarcasm.

  • In one of the choices: “For the thrill.” you grin, “I like challenges…”
    (Just needed the comma after grin.)

  • If she does well, she’s in!”

Megan is literally the cutest thing ever.

  • Also, when she’s talking about Greyson, the way it’s phrased almost makes it seem as he was her brother. I suggest something along the lines of: " My brother accepted Greyson in the team. They’re very good friends."

Also, you do use the dash a lot, but more specifically, the hyphen. That technically makes it grammatically incorrect, so, in place of forgoing the wondrous comma and the not-so-beautiful parentheses, I give you the wondrous em dash! (—). Though, you should probably fluctuate between comma use and em dash use to keep the reader on their toes. Also, it’s because I’m always a slut for proper comma use.
-that shrug emoticon that this forum won’t let me use properly.-

I s’pose that’s enough for now. Hopefully this was some help.

4 Likes
#37

I love the new update :smile:
Can’t wait for more! Plus am I the only one who got the extreme urge to touch Grey’s stuff after he told us not to?

2 Likes
#38

@Bosoncat I’m not sure of the reason- @Roxy chose to make it that way, but she said she changed it to 50/50

@EkoBegins Wow that list certainly is long! :smile: But don’t worry, i don’t mind- i’m actually happy you took the time to point out those errors. We’ll have them fixed. Thanks for the help!
You’re a comma person, i’m a dash person- we’re incompatible :wink: anyway, i’ll try to balance between the two. About the instant hypnosis, my friendly advise is to take it seriously if you don’t want your mind messed up by @Roxy :smiling_imp: ; she’s very passionate about it and suggested that we add it.
Also, you seem to like Megan- i’m glad you find her adorable (she’s a cute bruiser) :smirk_cat:

@fox_vixen You’ll get the chance to satisfy your urge to touch Grey’s stuff, though beware him in case he catches you :japanese_ogre: :wink:

1 Like
#39

I love game with supernatural and the game is really good :grinning:

closed #40