# Strings of Fate: Origins \[155K words\] - Chapter 3 released! **URL:** \ **Category:** Works In Progress\ **Tags:** nonbinary-inclusive, gender-choice, high-fantasy, adult-fiction\ **Created:** [September 9, 2024, 5:45pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842 "2024-09-09T17:45:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![the.normandy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/the.normandy/32/243723_2.png) [@the.normandy](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/the.normandy)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 5:45pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/1 "2024-09-09T17:45:28Z")
![SoF Banner 6](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/original/3X/4/d/4d693137432415a04e8580a75889cf47e4674b62.jpeg) **Summary:** Take control of a hunter, cutter, smith or alchemist born in Woodcutter’s Village, a small hamlet in the Kingdom of Alyrid that houses no more than 200 people. The village is all you’ve ever known, but now it faces an unforeseen danger by a long forgotten enemy. Your home’s only hope for survival lingers on you delivering a message pleading the Southland Duke for military support, leading you to explore regions you’ve only heard of in tales and songs. But the journey is never simple. What was a simple task of delivering a message is impeded every step of the way. Struggle your way through the dangers lurking in the kingdom. Develop and awaken your still fledgeling potential for magic. Prepare for what may well be a suicidal last stand. How much will the journey change you? - Play as male, female or nonbinary; straight, gay or bisexual; monogamous or polyamorous. - Choose the profession you were born into from a hunter, woodcutter, smith or alchemist. Your surname is dictated by your profession. - Fight against familiar enemies: orcs, goblins and the undead. - Awaken and learn magic to wield against your enemies, but be careful—the Arcane is dangerous when used in excess. **Demo:** [Strings of Fate: Origins](https://cogdemos.ink/go/3375) **Tumblr:** [@normandy-if](https://www.tumblr.com/normandy-if) Feedback in regards to the story, characters, typos, tense consistency, bugs are all welcome. Learning what you dislike is equally important to what you like, so I know what to avoid as well as what to reinforce. Not all things may be implemented—the story draft is ready, some things may not fit the type of story—but many things can be. [![ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/img/githubbutton_sm.svg)](https://ko-fi.com/Z8Z71AXB48) _Donations are strictly voluntary, nothing will be exchanged. WIP content will not be paywalled and my writing will continue as usual even if I make nothing. Donate only if you have something to spare and you’d like to support me and my writing. Anything you can spare helps more than you realize ❤_ ---
**Author:** ![No\_This\_Is\_Patrick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/no_this_is_patrick/32/223713_2.png) [@No\_This\_Is\_Patrick](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/No_This_Is_Patrick)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 7:18pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/2 "2024-09-09T19:18:20Z")
Alyssa… ![gojo-satoru-satoru-gojo (1)](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/original/3X/5/e/5ef6fefae0c81863b69f9c75a817568f354dc6bc.gif) Please kiss me on the cheek more, 3 times isn’t enough. ---
**Author:** ![levviathan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/levviathan/32/226545_2.png) [@levviathan](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/levviathan)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 8:18pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/3 "2024-09-09T20:18:49Z")
I’m pretty much always in the mood for fantasy so I was immediately into the concept and I enjoyed what you’ve made so far. > **Made some notes as I went along.** > > So I checked out the stats screen first (a habit, so I know kind of what the game will be looking at and expecting from me). I went through all the lore pages, turned on the stat check option, and hit show health as numbers. Then when I tried to go back to the game, I got an infinite load bug. Not sure which thing caused that. I restarted and tried some trouble shooting: stats page \> return to game ✅; stats page \> all lore pages \> return to stats \> return to game ✅; stats page \> stat check option \> return to game ✅; and finally, stats page \> health as numbers \> return to game ✅. So I tried going back, doing it all at once again, and the infinite reload did not repeat. Could have been a weird blip in my internet? Could have been an update you did at the time I was looking at it? Could have been alien interreference? Idk. It might never happen again, but to be safe, I wanted to tell you about it. > > It’s your story, so it’s obviously your discretion. However, there’s a reason so many writers (and readers) advise against opening the story with a dream. It seems to me that your goal with the opener was to give the reader a sense of the general area and their position within it as well as to cultivate a little dread for some upcoming plot point. I think there are better ways to do that than the dream sequence (especially since you’ve actually included a map in your stats screen). I’m not saying not to include dreams at all, especially if dreaming itself is going to be relevant, but as an opener, it really didn’t work for me. But also: my favorite book of all time opens with the main character waking up, so clearly it can work. If you want it that way and that’s your vision, keep it but find a cleaner way to execute it. > > I like that I got the opportunity to learn a little about the professions before I had to pick one for certain. That’s always a nice and appreciated touch. > > Typo: [Life in the hamlets tend to be simple like that.] _tends_ > > I _hate_ this phrase but sometimes it has its uses: show, don’t tell. That is _not_ always useful or applicable but I think the intro could do with a little more of it. There are things you need to tell, and that’s fine, but there are other things you can show and that’d be more impactful. Don’t tell me kids work, show me kids working as I go through the day. Don’t tell me life is hard and simple, show me people living hard and simple lives as I walk through the village. > > In the section where you talk about the mother having a different surname because of her family, you call her Faith _Potions_, the father’s surname. In the next section, when she asks how I am, you call her Faith _Tanner_. Whatever we call her, there are some very interesting questions and implications about the culture you’ve created here and I’m interested to see how you develop those details. > > Tense issue: [Jake Potions was a short, slender man with thinning hair that wore glasses of polished lens—a rare commodity in the village—with a kind demeanor and easy smile. He was near the grinders, holding a small crystal in a spheroid shape that he seemed to have been polishing.] Thus far you’ve been using present tense, so you’d want to stick with “Jake Potions _is_ a short…” and “He _is_ near the grinders…” > > That page ^ beginning with “You leave your family’s house…” is probably my favorite bit of prose so far. It’s clean, it’s clear, it flows well, the sentences are well constructed. It still has the fantasy vibe I think you’re going for in the opening pages, but it works and reads better. > > [“We’re out of elfsbark to act as a heat storage,” Jake says.] I like that you include the utility of the item, but I think it would be better as part of the narrative rather than as part of Jake’s dialogue. Presumably a person who has been doing this with their father for about 6 years would know why and how to use something that seems pretty crucial to the process and Jake wouldn’t need to explain. > > Tense issue: [It’s not unusual for your father to ask you to pick something up with the other families, but that’s just a necessary evil part of the job. The village healer _ **had** _ a cabin that _ **was** _ about a mile north of the village proper, by a small river that _ **flowed** _ into the Nameless Bay where she _ **could** _ grow her herbs without interference. // You wrinkle your nose a bit. Old Bryn _ **was** _ as wise as she _ **was** _ cranky, prone to yelling at people passing by for disturbing the cabin’s peace and quiet, but there _ **was** _ nothing for it. Somebody _ **had** _ to pick up the elfsbark and your father _ **was** _ polishing the spheroid. Besides, it’s likely he _ **had** _ better practice with the tools than you did.] Unless Bryn’s dead and the river is dried up, these need to be in present tense. Also I think it’s more than “likely” Dad has more practice with the tools since, presumably, he’s been doing this most of his life and is the one who taught us. > > Tense issues: [They _ **weren’t** _ thick with bushes…]//[The cabin _ **was** _ right by a stream flowing into the Nameless Bay. It _ **wasn’t** _ large—about four rooms that you could count—but it _ **was** _ sturdy, built well with old oak. The front yard _ **had** _ a little fence, as small as three inches tall, with a variety of herbs growing there, most of which you _ **couldn’t** _ recognize.] Might also consider removing “that you could count” or changing it to something less familiar like “that you’re aware of.” > > So at this point, there are just a ton of tense shifts. You started with present tense, so I assumed that’s what you wanted to use but the amount of shifts has me uncertain. Rather than mark them all individually here, I’m just going to encourage you to be certain you know which one you want and do a full pass specifically for tense consistency. > > [“It’s a remote, peaceful place that follows a very steady rhythm, and when things break that rhythm, they simply stand out.”] Moments like this one are good examples of where more “showing” earlier on will lead to greater impact later. Since I’ve started the story, I’ve had a probably prophetic dream, eaten breakfast, and come almost straight here. I had a few interactions along the way, yes, but none that really give me much meat. Ella talking about people being careless and giving the healers more work is the most noteworthy thing I’ve learned about the day to day of the village. It would be great to have really seen some of that remote, peaceful, steady vibe so this feels impactful rather than you have to tell me it’s impactful. > > I can tell that you put effort into making sure the jobs had distinct content! That’s great! > > Stats page says MC is 18. I get that’s young, but for a world that seems to require children to start becoming productive members of society around 12, there are some things that strike me as… odd? Mom making you breakfast and ensuring you wake up on time, parents giving you (or not) permission to go places, having parents assign you chores and a chore day as opposed to you just simply taking responsibility to assist maintaining the home in which you still live, parents giving you food to take camping (as opposed to you hunting or foraging when camping is connected to the survival skill/the implication that you’re mature enough to survive on your own in the wilderness but not mature enough to be able to pack food for/by yourself). It just feels a little internally inconsistent and it’s hard to really understand why the world seems to work in ways that feel counter to what’s established by the text. > > When I go back to get Ella with Agrien, a lot of the description of him, Old Bryn, and the cabin is repeated, some of it word for word. I think this is because of the way you’ve probably set up the optional order of friend pick ups and the considerations of who is present but you should also set up a variable for if my job has already introduced me to the character/place (or if you have a variable for that, ensure it’s working as intended). > > Some things have been difficult to discern with regard to stats. Like which stat is about to be tested or which stat is relevant (and there seems to be overlap in the stats as well). Like when talking to Bryn, I wouldn’t have assumed lying to her was being “subtle.” Or when saying the gods shouldn’t have first initiated violence, there’s a prideful increase that I never would have guessed. When fighting the bear, I assumed the feint would be grace but it was subtlety? Even with the show stat gains and checks on, it only shows me that information _after_ I’ve made a selection, which kind of makes the option no more useful than code-diving. > > When Faith says it’s bad luck to talk about the patrons, she’s called Fate. > > Typo: [the man could make into pasted for a variety of maladies] pastes > > [“And kick Alyssa Woodcutter’s ass,” Jake adds,] Hell yeah, dad! > > Damn that was a good character death. I had time to get attached (and I did), it was sudden and well executed (executed, ha), and it contributed to the story and the setting. Nice! Overall, I’d say what needs the most work is tense consistency and stats. They have _so much_ overlap that it’s difficult to know which will be used/increased and the option to show that information isn’t helpful in that regard since you get the information after the fact. I did enjoy it a lot though! I liked the parents _a ton_, Agrien and Ella are great (and what a cute nickname!), and I think you did a great job integrating the profession into the narrative. I’m glad you shared what you’ve been working on and I wish you good luck with it! It has a lot of potential! ---
**Author:** ![the.normandy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/the.normandy/32/243723_2.png) [@the.normandy](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/the.normandy)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 8:55pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/5 "2024-09-09T20:55:23Z")
Thank you for the feedback! Reading through your notes, I haven’t been able to replicate the infinite load bug, but I’ll have a closer look at the code itself to see what’s going on in there. I appreciate the feedback in regards to the story—particularly the show don’t tell part—and I’ll review those sections. Feedback in regards to what works and what doesn’t in the writing tends to be the most helpful for me, since it hits differently reading someone else’s work and reading my own work—I have too much of a bird eye’s view in regards to what I write! I’ll try to develop the initial section more, to show more of the people’s day to day. Faith’s name might’ve been an oversight on my part when writing. She’s Faith Tanner as a maiden name, and adopted the father’s surname after marriage. I’ll have to make those clearer when writing it. The Fate part was a complete brain fart on my end, that’s my bad! I’ll have another review of the whole thing in regards to the tense consistency as well as the stats. Perhaps if I add a section that explains all of their fields and the checks, it’ll make them clearer—feinting, sneaking, lying and manipulating are things I was attributing to ‘Subtle’, though perhaps there might be a better name for it. The repeated descriptions will need another look! Those are subroutines that I’ve included due to, as you guessed, the different order that you may look at them, whether by profession or by picking companions up in a different order. I’ll have a look at the detection again, since it seems I fumbled something along the way Overall, thank you so much for the feedback, that’s very thorough! It’s gonna help me a lot not just to correct those but also to watch for it as I keep updating things. I’m really happy that you’ve enjoyed the work so far. ---
**Author:** ![Gapaot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/gapaot/32/139181_2.png) [@Gapaot](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Gapaot)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 9:47pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/6 "2024-09-09T21:47:27Z")
Saves would be ver much appreciated ---
**Author:** ![Christopher\_Bull](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/christopher_bull/32/106136_2.png) [@Christopher\_Bull](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Christopher_Bull)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 10:45pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/7 "2024-09-09T22:45:28Z")
Enjoyed it. I chose the lumberjack that is prideful, fights dirty and a bit of a liar. Our hunter friend is my favourite. I’m watching this game grow. I appreciated the checkpoints in case I died fighting. ---
**Author:** ![Dragomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/dragomer/32/162730_2.png) [@Dragomer](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Dragomer)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2024, 11:55pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/8 "2024-09-09T23:55:40Z")
Seems interesting, I wonder how the game will go mechanically. Also interesting to see checkpoint options already. ---
**Author:** ![Cryzhentia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/cryzhentia/32/232615_2.png) [@Cryzhentia](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Cryzhentia)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 2:58am UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/9 "2024-09-10T02:58:02Z")
Gonna try this one then. Edit : Ohh this is good, despite what MC do is not really flashy author still able to keep the story interesting, I like that MC is resourceful, smart and use environment instead just insanely OP. And I love the interaction between friends, the banter is funny, silly and lighthearted. I would suggest having small save just to check each choice, checkpoint however is fine idea. Possible error: During fight scene in tournament dodging and counter is ( brutal ) while charging head on is ( graceful ) is this how it suppose to be? The fight with Liam repeated in the fight with alyssa I am not sure if it’s repeated in other alternative choice my character is graceful, impulsive, subtle and humble so mainly my choice is always within those option, the few place I choose differently is during visit to herbalist I choose to be honest thus ( not subtle ) and first round of fight when I pick go straight into the fight which I thought is impulsive check but turn out to be direct check. ---
**Author:** ![the.normandy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/the.normandy/32/243723_2.png) [@the.normandy](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/the.normandy)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 6:16am UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/10 "2024-09-10T06:16:23Z")
Dodge and counter is indeed supposed to be graceful, I’ll have that checked with the rest of corrections. I’ll have another look at the fight with Liam and compare with the Alyssa fight as well—those aren’t subroutines, so it’s possible I just wrote them far too repetitively. Thank you for the feedback, I’m glad you’re enjoying it 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cryzhentia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/cryzhentia/32/232615_2.png) [@Cryzhentia](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Cryzhentia)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 9:57am UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/11 "2024-09-10T09:57:58Z")
Another suggestion is putting optional trigger warning since before some scene especially the fighting scene is quite… descriptively brutal and bloody , personally it doesn’t disturb me some people may feel certain way about those thing. ---
**Author:** ![the.normandy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/the.normandy/32/243723_2.png) [@the.normandy](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/the.normandy)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 10:37am UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/12 "2024-09-10T10:37:41Z")
I’ll make sure to put a content warning(s) at the beginning! It’ll only get bloodier from here, so it’s a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Nexus\_Knight](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/nexus_knight/32/132395_2.png) [@Nexus\_Knight](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Nexus_Knight)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 11:59am UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/13 "2024-09-10T11:59:30Z")
I think you need to fix the stat checks. Focal lens option should be for strat stat check not imp stat check. ---
**Author:** ![the.normandy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/the.normandy/32/243723_2.png) [@the.normandy](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/the.normandy)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 12:02pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/14 "2024-09-10T12:02:34Z")
Adjusting it now! Focal lens choice should indeed be testing Strategic, not Impulsive. Both options of the Potions family were checking Impulsive, that’s my bad. Edit: The actual success/failure is checking Strategic, but the text is incorrectly displaying Impulsive. It’ll be fixed once the patch is uploaded. ---
**Author:** ![Cryzhentia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/cryzhentia/32/232615_2.png) [@Cryzhentia](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Cryzhentia)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 12:19pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/15 "2024-09-10T12:19:14Z")
I see then my MC better brace herself for the coming storm. ---
**Author:** ![Christopher\_Bull](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/christopher_bull/32/106136_2.png) [@Christopher\_Bull](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Christopher_Bull)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 1:21pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/16 "2024-09-10T13:21:03Z")
The only hard thing now for the mc then is getting a magic mentor and convincing the kingdom to help our village defend against the orc’s. Mostly cos everyone thought they were gone. ---
**Author:** ![Cryzhentia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/cryzhentia/32/232615_2.png) [@Cryzhentia](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Cryzhentia)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 3:46pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/17 "2024-09-10T15:46:41Z")
While knowledge about magic do exist MC is not trained in magic is author want to implement magic for MC? So far what close to magic is alchemist mc can have concussion grenade and somewhat something like napalm ---
**Author:** ![Ronin\_101](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/ronin_101/32/160884_2.png) [@Ronin\_101](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Ronin_101)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 3:56pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/18 "2024-09-10T15:56:54Z")
There is an arcane stat but hidden ---
**Author:** ![Dragomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/dragomer/32/162730_2.png) [@Dragomer](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/Dragomer)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 4:37pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/19 "2024-09-10T16:37:46Z")
Hope we’ll have the option to upgrade our gears, maybe with some slight variation depending on our family (for exemple if you’re a Woodcutter, you have some additional Axe options). ---
**Author:** ![the.normandy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/the.normandy/32/243723_2.png) [@the.normandy](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/the.normandy)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 7:03pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/20 "2024-09-10T19:03:19Z")
Magic will indeed play a role in the story for the MC, though it will be a gradative path. There’s also a way to start learning magic in the demo. As Ronin\_101 mentioned, there is a hidden Arcana stat. Equipment upgrades will play a role, though I was thinking more on the lines of acquiring other essentials like armor. On another note: I’ve implemented most of the feedback given. There will be a “Mechanics” part in the stat screen to explain stat checks, skill checks, and what the stats govern—it also explains the philosophy behind the stat checks themselves which, I think, will help alleviate some of the overlap and confusion. I’ve also rephrased some of the choices to make them less ambiguous. The demo isn’t updated with the changes yet, I’m currently working on the tense issues which is a more methodical work as it requires me to read through the actual text slowly. I’ll give this a bump when I upload the patch with the listed changes. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/choiceofgames/user_avatar/forum.choiceofgames.com/john_doom/32/235513_2.png) [@John\_Doom](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/u/John_Doom)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2024, 11:24pm UTC](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842/21 "2024-09-10T23:24:44Z")
This is great so far and im looking forward to what comes next. [Next page](https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/strings-of-fate-origins-155k-words-chapter-3-released/158842.md?page=2)