When it comes to stats, the main thing I can think off is that the very first choice has some options that raises your stats more, but are supposed to decrease other stats to balance it out. But since stats starts at 0, a stat penalty has no effect - thus picking the options with the highest bonus/penalties is better than the more “balanced” options. In fact, the stat penalty actually raises the stat from 0 to 1%! So for instance, picking “football player” as your background is mathematically the best option, since it raises all of your stats (though two of them by only 1%)
When it comes to grammar, aside from the occasional typos, I noticed that if you flirt with Jane, after the “smile” option, the narrations calls her a he - for that matter, there’s a couple of times where a female MC is also given masculine designation.
Anyway, this seems to be a pretty fun project! I’ll try to think of possible backgrounds that could mesh well with what you’re going for. As for more fighters or clubs, it’s a bit soon to offer suggestions, but one thing I think could help the story is having one character who would serve as a rival/foil to the MC, possibly with a personal connection to heighten dramatic tensions. Ideally that means several encounters.
When picking “I graduated, but didn’t go to college.” for the MC’s past, I got this error: “startup line 455: Invalid expression at char 16, expected no more tokens, found: OPERATOR [%]”
Well! If I may, it could be because much of the events past and present seem to lack some personal interactivity.
Choices given were mostly stats based and thats not entirely a grave sin but it can come off as a bit gamey and robotic. One easy way to mitigate this is to add a bit more dialogue between characters. Even if they are unimportant.
You’ve already implemented this during the fights so thats good! Just a bit more of that and you’re good to me.
(I also personally like choices that flesh your characters quirks and habits, have you read wayhaven chronicles? I’d say its a fairly good example of making the player character feel more personalized.)
@BoisterousBumblebee You may and are extremely encouraged! Anyway. I have not read wayhaven but is it anything like the traits in the tin star? Right now you may not have noticed but I have integrated every single background to have at least one difference and am planning more, is that not enough of a personalization?
@Ant_Merf Awesome, I have been researching more martial arts styles for the game so stay tuned
I feel like in the end this will turn out pretty well.
It’s just in the starting phases after all. I don’t know if I’m the most qualified to be saying things yet, but it’s all a learning experience. Personally, I don’t think I ever really started developing my own style until my second project.
The only real thing to be worried about is when someone decides that they have nothing more to learn. As long as someone’s willing to improve, they will.
Its a tad different from tin star. Tin star is what i’d categorize as a stats heavy/centric game. You often make choices purely on their advantages/disadvantages rather than what your character will do.
Starting with adding a unique background is great! What makes it unique is if you continuosly have characters reffering to it or through flavor text. Not just a one time thing or a novelty trait.
In truth, my only nitpick with your wip is that I wished the pre fights we given more time and involvement.
The sweat and anxiety of walking up to the stage, the air thick and arid, muscles tensing up to ancipation. But of course, this is just my preferred prose.
Aha at this point I wouldn’t feel right trying to dictate how you write.
I’ll just summarize that this is a good starting point. + more introspective choices rather than black and white decisions of “hes good, hes bad”. Thats pretty much it!
Good luck~
Thank you, but you should know I appreciate all feedback. I’m writing more to the pre-fight scenes to make the protagonist more nervous right now. I write for ten hours any day, adding what people ask for is a really great break from trying to think up new scenes.
That goes for anyone else reading this, I enjoy writing what people as for. I first published stories on deviantart that were all requests, and I haven’t lost that feeling sense. Do not hesitate to tell me any type of feedback.
I hope to see you comment again soon, BoisterousBumblebee. Thank you for helping me out.
Ah! in Jade empire , once you reach the Jade city you can get into the Arena . (I really recommand the game just for that part) . And well there is this guy you fight at some point…he really remind me of this character Poe .
And in Jade empire , its martial art . And yes you can use a staff or sword . And learn many styles and ‘elemant’ . And you don’t fight just humans…you fight demons and others things in the arena .
So yeah , Poe kinda remind me of Hapless Han .
Update: Was at the gym…got this now : The_Start line 7887: It is illegal to fall out of a *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.
And I didn’t say you stole or anything lol I just said he reminded me of someone…which make your story fun . Is all! and you should ! that arena fight is wicked !!
