Sorry I really should have had some smilies after that. I think they ran off though. You’re a good writer, Samuel.
If I provide any sort of concrete feedback on the poem, (well other than being drastically unqualified for doing so) it stops being your poem.
I never look for feedback on my poems, because they’re mine, and I don’t care if they’re awful they’re still mine, mine mine and I’m not changing them for anyone. And while I will call them awful, I don’t want anyone else to say the same. Just no feedback on the poems please, they do what they’re intended to, serve a function and that’s that.
So while Julia Caesar is filled with a bunch of bad poetry, I’m never, ever going to even try to make it better. It’s poetry that rhymes, because I like rhymes, it’s bad and it’s cheesy but then so’s the game. My Baking Contest poem is even worse (partially since it’s randomly generated and mostly since it’s just dreadful). But it too serves a function.
Now while I could polish up those poems I don’t think I could make them much better. They’re the pinnacle of my poetry skill, which is to say not very good at all. A sad fact is I used to write a lot of poetry, I excelled at it, and my skills peaked at 10 years old and it’s been a downward spiral since. I do still have some of those poems I wrote when I was ten memorised, and I love those in a way I’ll never love anything I’ve written as an adult.
Good poetry is too much like hard work for me nowadays.
If you enjoy writing poetry though you should. Play with what you have above. Rewrite the sentences with a thesaurus pulling it to the point of utter ridiculousness. Turn it into a riddle. Replace the word ‘it’ with something else. Force a rhyme onto it. Work on the rhythm. Even just count all the syllables in each line and the patterns of them. (Don’t do all of these at once mind you.)
Just taking that first line for me (and this is just me so please don’t do this) I’d go with
“It builds within my abdomen” since I like that play in the sentence, the way it sounds out loud, there’s a sort of rhyme between the words within and abdomen, and there’s no longer that harsh word stomach which I find stilting in the middle of the sentence and disruptive of any sort of flow. But that’s personal taste, and like I said I write absolutely awful poetry.
“Forcing its way through my insides” I’d be all forcing in the word excise and making it also rhyme with insides or something.
“It lingers in my throat and sucks the air from my lungs” I’d be reworking this completely to follow the same pattern and rhythm as above, only then I’d notice how stomach and suck have the same sort of sound to them, and maybe I should be keeping those words, and I’d then play around, see if I could place both in the same point of their respective sentences and if it sounds nice to me and if it doesn’t then it’s back to the previous lines.
But that’s just how I tackle poetry, for me it’s a puzzle, it’s fun, and while the end result might not be great, I only write it for myself. And you should definitely not do anything I say since it’ll just make it awful. Really, a poetry forum would be better, they actually know what they speak about there.