Some of my poetry


#1

I’ve recently had a renewed interest in poetry. Just today, I made my first stanza in years. What do you guys think of this?

It builds in my stomach, forcing its way through my insides
It lingers in my throat and sucks the air from my lungs
It can’t get enough of me; it whispers in my ears, sucking the energy from my bones
It’s always there, pulsing in my blood and feasting on my doubt
I hate it, but it loves me, and we’ve been together forever
And I have to enjoy it, for it is the only thing I’ve ever had


#2

I think it needs work. Speak it out loud to yourself, and keep saying it out loud. See if you can work on the rhythm, and make it flow better.

That first line immediately had me thinking of certain biological functions that are generally not spoken of in poetry.


#3

Haha xD good point. I’ll work it out when I’m not so tired.


#4

You might also want to find a forum for poetry and ask there instead of here. Unless you plan to use it as a segment in your game?


#5

There’s going to be a lot of poetry in volume 3 of Demons Among Men, yes. I’m not sure if this one in particular is going in there, though.


#6

I agree with FairyGodfeather. It needs work. But the potential is definitely there!

If you’re looking to put poetry into your fiction, might I recommend “The Name of the Wind” by Patrick Rothfuss? Rothfuss is a master at weaving extremely meaningful poetry into his series. I tried to make poetry an important part of one of my novels, and I learned a lot from his books.


#7

“It lingers in my throat and sucks the air from my lungs”

Your lungs are actually in your chest. It’s a good poem. As everyone else said, it just needs some work.


#8

Thanks! I’ll check that out.

@The_Oracle
“Your lungs are actually in your chest.” eye twitches Thanks for enlightening me…

Anyways, thanks for the feedback, doods. When I get some poetic inspiration I’ll fix it up.


#9

“Your lungs are actually in your chest.”

Oh lordy, you guys are hilarious. I said it once and I’ll say it again. This forum is a peanut gallery.


#10

@Samuel_H_Young

I don’t actually think it’s a good poem, and I say this as someone whose only complete(ish) game contains a bunch of awful poems.

It shows that you didn’t spend much time on it and are out of practice when it comes to writing poetry. The only way to fix the latter is to write more poems, and to fix the former is to spend more time on them. You can do a lot of that on your own.

I think it’s disingenuous to tell you it’s good when it’s not. This is a bad poem. However that doesn’t mean you’re a bad poet, just lazy one that unleashed this poem upon the world before it was ready.

I think you can do far better than that poem. I think if you spent some time on it you could improve it and that you’re the only one that can actually make the improvements. Like I said, speak it out loud get a feel for the rhythm. Hit it several times with a thesaurus. Don’t just write it and then go “well the internet people think it’s good.”

Do you, personally think it’s good? Do you think it’s the best you can do? Do you think it’s the best you can make it? Are you happy with it?

At the moment, that first line… well I’ve said what it makes me think of. The second makes me think I’ve got wind and I’m burping or something. And while life is all about burping and farting and both are as about appropriate subjects for poetry as anything else, I’m not sure if that’s the sort of imagery you intended. The ambiguity as to what it is doesn’t work in this case, for me.

@The_Oracle What if you’re Kevin Costner in Waterworld? Then you’ve got gills and they’re on your neck! There’s not the same as lungs mind you but they’re also all about the sucking of the air.


#11

Well, I thought it was good but now you’ve made me re-think that. xD Still, though, I don’t necessarily think it’s dumb to post something that’s not complete on the forums. Of course I don’t think it’s the best I could possibly do, but that’s beside the point. Are we supposed to perfect WIPs before posting them? Of course not! Then others can’t help us make it better.

Aside from the first couple lines (which I now see are very easy to misconstrue) what do you think of the rest? I’m already going to work on the poor flow, but anything other feedback is appreciated.


#12

You don’t know how glad I am that Oracle told me that. Who knows what would have happened to me if I went my entire life still thinking my lungs were located in my throat. :’(


#13

I am sorry to shatter your delusions.

The thing is we’re not a forum for poetry. There’s far better places to get feedback on poetry (and non-interactive fiction) than here. And when it comes to unfinished poems, I really don’t think they belong.

Unless you plan to integrate said poetry in your game, and then I think your game thread’s just as good for that.

Now if you’d intended to write a work of interactive poetry I’d argue that twine would likely be a far better tool for it than choicescript. Personally I’d take full advantage of the whole click on words to change and expand them features that Twine has.

I actually had a puzzle in one of my games that came in the form of a (bad) poem. So, I’m not saying they can’t be relevant just that you have to work for it.

As for interactive poems, this is one of my favourite (not twine here) http://www.ludomancy.com/games/today.php?lang=en


#14

“Shatter your delusions.” oh my…sorry you had a bad day. -_- Believe it or not, there are quite a lot of “off-topic” threads.

Whatever, just close the thread.


#15

@Samuel_H_Young I wasn’t saying to close the thread. There’s no actual rules against off topic threads in the off topic forum.

I didn’t want to hurt you. That delusions comment was meant tongue in cheek. I didn’t mean to insult you.

It’s just that if you’re looking for constructive advice on your poems, methods of making them better that we’re really not the place for that. There’s other sites, ones filled with poets, that will do a far better job of being able to help you.

I can tell you what feels wrong about it but I’m not an expert in poetry.

Now if you were just wanting people to tell you it was a good poem, then you should have said. I don’t think you need feedback on the poem. I think that you’re talented enough to be able to fix it up on your own. Just give it a little more time and love.


#16

T.T of course I don’t just want people to tell me it’s good. But alright, I’ll just work on it some more off-site.


#17

Sorry I really should have had some smilies after that. I think they ran off though. You’re a good writer, Samuel.

If I provide any sort of concrete feedback on the poem, (well other than being drastically unqualified for doing so) it stops being your poem.

I never look for feedback on my poems, because they’re mine, and I don’t care if they’re awful they’re still mine, mine mine and I’m not changing them for anyone. And while I will call them awful, I don’t want anyone else to say the same. Just no feedback on the poems please, they do what they’re intended to, serve a function and that’s that.

So while Julia Caesar is filled with a bunch of bad poetry, I’m never, ever going to even try to make it better. It’s poetry that rhymes, because I like rhymes, it’s bad and it’s cheesy but then so’s the game. My Baking Contest poem is even worse (partially since it’s randomly generated and mostly since it’s just dreadful). But it too serves a function.

Now while I could polish up those poems I don’t think I could make them much better. They’re the pinnacle of my poetry skill, which is to say not very good at all. A sad fact is I used to write a lot of poetry, I excelled at it, and my skills peaked at 10 years old and it’s been a downward spiral since. I do still have some of those poems I wrote when I was ten memorised, and I love those in a way I’ll never love anything I’ve written as an adult.

Good poetry is too much like hard work for me nowadays.

If you enjoy writing poetry though you should. Play with what you have above. Rewrite the sentences with a thesaurus pulling it to the point of utter ridiculousness. Turn it into a riddle. Replace the word ‘it’ with something else. Force a rhyme onto it. Work on the rhythm. Even just count all the syllables in each line and the patterns of them. (Don’t do all of these at once mind you.)

Just taking that first line for me (and this is just me so please don’t do this) I’d go with

“It builds within my abdomen” since I like that play in the sentence, the way it sounds out loud, there’s a sort of rhyme between the words within and abdomen, and there’s no longer that harsh word stomach which I find stilting in the middle of the sentence and disruptive of any sort of flow. But that’s personal taste, and like I said I write absolutely awful poetry.

“Forcing its way through my insides” I’d be all forcing in the word excise and making it also rhyme with insides or something.

“It lingers in my throat and sucks the air from my lungs” I’d be reworking this completely to follow the same pattern and rhythm as above, only then I’d notice how stomach and suck have the same sort of sound to them, and maybe I should be keeping those words, and I’d then play around, see if I could place both in the same point of their respective sentences and if it sounds nice to me and if it doesn’t then it’s back to the previous lines.

But that’s just how I tackle poetry, for me it’s a puzzle, it’s fun, and while the end result might not be great, I only write it for myself. And you should definitely not do anything I say since it’ll just make it awful. Really, a poetry forum would be better, they actually know what they speak about there.


#18

I used to try to rhyme, but I think it’s overused and overrated! I’ll definitely work on the flow, though, and thanks for your thoughts.


#19

Heh. :slight_smile: Quite likely. I like rhymes though, especially really bad ones.


#20

lol xD like “chain” and “ring” …ugh xD I hope no one’s heard that song.