Slow Down [WiP] Update 2 (20 JUN 2018)

Follow the lives of two very broken individuals as they cope with a single lapse in judgement in two very different but equally unhealthy ways.

Story bounces between the perspectives of Matthew Navajo and Erika Crow. He’s a police officer in Chicago still raging over a loss 6 years ago, and she’s an unemployed homeless in New York trying to forget a mistake made 6 years ago through a combination of alcohol, drugs, and loveless nights.

See how an evil author contrives a way to bring them back together to confront their pasts and either take a step toward recovery, or spiral further down into Hell.
Maybe. I don’t actually know, it’s called a “pilot” for a reason.

https://dashingdon.com/go/2786

Explicit content warning.

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This is fantastic. The dramatic tension is well formed, and the two perspective style is perfect for the subject matter. I look forward to the continuation.

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So is this three projects now or am I forgetting some? I’m not sure if you’re a sadist or a masochist because your writing paints you a sadist but your work schedule says otherwise.

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Super work on the language, it’s clear you’ve put good effort into this - basic spelling and grammar can really make a big difference. Appreciate the inclusion of explicit content once in a while too - we can’t have every Choicescript game being made for MLP fans :unicorn:

Dual protagonists will be great if executed correctly - so far it seems fresh and interesting. Random note by the way - if your final choice is “#Grab something heavy and knock him out” then the ecash and ecoke variables aren’t set, although they’re set in the other choices.

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Five if you count the two series’ that were set aside for the near foreseeable future.
Plus, this isn’t really a full project just yet. I’ve spent about 8 hours total on it. As it stands, this is just a particularly depressing anti-speeding PSA.

Well, all authors are basically sociopaths playing God, destroying lives for the sake of creating a dramatic story that is enjoyable to read.
So, I would say I’m an author with a complexity addiction.

But…I like MLP

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Hey, I didn’t knock it; nobody said it’s bad, or that adults who like it are basically Hitler bad people. Just, diversity is generally a great thing, and in the long run the CoG/HG brand will surely be stronger for including adult topics - meaning a wide range of complex and mature topics, not just erotica - into its portfolio of literature rather than limiting itself to teen / young adult topics.

Anyway - MLP is OK guys, no problems here. Carry on :unicorn:

Well, the writing is, as always, very solid.

That being said - and it’s kind of hard to make a definitive judgement right now, given the short demo - but the project feels more like a novel than a CoG product? I mean, you could totally prove me wrong, but that’s what came to my mind when I read the synopsis, and the demo didn’t exactly convince me otherwise.

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The writing is very well done, as is typical for your stories I’ve read so far. As is evidenced especially by “Through Broken Lenses”, you have a knack for writing stories in the twisted, dark genre that keep people hooked, so I can see this story having potential.

You’re probably not looking for grammar errors and other info at this stage, but I figured I’d include what I found just in case.

“Beside him, his mother broken down and cried into his shoulder, holding him tightly though he barely felt her.”

*broke

Also, universal blood donors are O- because they don’t have any antigens on the surface of the red blood cells so O- blood can be transfused into anyone’s body without casing an antibody-antigen reaction. O+ blood isn’t a universal donor because it does have the antigen on the surface of the red blood cell.

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Yeah, I guess I can’t deny that. It’s definitely more linear than Blood Hunter. And Blood Hunter was infinitely more linear than Through Broken Lenses (that first day is a spider web of confusion and broken code…)
Hopefully things start to naturally open up as things get away from the introduction. Since my main priority at the start was to introduce all the necessary information; “this is what happened, here’s a couple assholes, they’re your protagonists. Go!”

Once things relax and a good pace gets set, we’ll hopefully be able to explore more about who they could be rather than who they currently are.

Aww, I have a reputation!
Yay.

Maybe I should write a kid’s story sometime. Just to mix it up a little.
Especially after writing this mean-spirited, bitter, and cynical thing. I think all the negativity hurt me a bit.

Internet, you have failed me!

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No, you’re good, just to be scientifically correct it would need to say O- instead of just O. No worries!

I know it’s a prologue, but there’s 2,500 words of this story before we make a single choice.

Update 1:
Completed Erika’s initial scene. Follow her starter quest of trying to get some sleep.
Hi-jinx ensue.

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I must say @Interestedparty, you’re doing a bang up job trying to juggle three WiPs, good on you. I must say, I am kinda intrigued with a good old story of chance encounters/fate. Found some tiny typos;

In the highlighted sentence, maybe add a comma or question mark after ‘What’ (just my opinion)

Misspelt ‘gonna’

In any event, keep up the good work.

Except, what he’s saying is essentially “What [information/discussion] couldn’t wait until the club meeting?”

Didn’t realise you meant it in that context. My bad.

Update 2:
Completed a Matthew scene. Try to justify your actions in the field to your boss.

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Do you just hate humanity?

In all your stories it seems you construct the most awful and nihilistic humans like some sort of malevolent god.

This is all in good fun of course, I apologize if you take offense that I equate you to a merciless diety.

Quite the contrary. I abhor nihilism. It’s a lazy, self-absorbed, and childish philosophy that takes one look at the world on a surface level and decides that it knows everything and that everyone who disagrees with it is simply a naïve fool.
Basically, nihilists are hipsters.

That being said, yes this story is pretty nihilistic. Much more so than my other ones, where I try to keep an overall theme of “life is hard, but hope finds a way.”
This story is something of an experiment for me. Experimenting with different writing styles, protagonists, and overall themes. To broaden my range.

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