I’m trying to get the ‘show don’t tell’ aspect of writing back into my brain but unfortunately, I am below average IQ and I’m honestly surprised I don’t forget how to breathe.
Can anyone assist?
Comes in different types.
As many ifs are in second person there’s ought to a bit of ‘telling the player how the MC feels’, but the trick is in not overdoing it.
Not naming names, but when you have an IF that forces you to find a certain RO hot and infallible without anything you (as player) can do about it, that won’t do. Especially when the game punishes you for disagreeing with the sentiment.
But overall show don’t tell means to give the reader a sense of what’s going on, not a lecture.
Though one thing to note:
Some will say ‘show don’t tell’ means you have to describe physical reactions etc to something instead of saying you are angry. Such as clenching teeth etc.
I’ve seen that go awry all too often as it, too, skips straight into plain telling without giving a sense of things.
Maybe not the best example, but compare:
You begin breathing in an uneven manner, and sweat builds on your forehead. Your field of vision is smaller as you are narrowing your eyes, while you clench your fist as well as your teeth.
to
Your breath comes ragged, shallow, almost seething, as you clench your teeth and fist in growing anger
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Heya, don’t be so hard on yourself! Writing is very hard, and writing well is even harder. You’re not “low IQ” for having trouble.
To add my own example alongside what MeltingPenguins said, an example of telling would be simply explaining something, like this:
“Maybe it’s possible, or maybe not. Who’s to say?” You know the Sorceress is powerful, and could easily break the curse if she cared to. However, you also know she is rather cruel. Would she really be willing to help you?
In this example, the narrator has explained that the Sorceress is capable of curing a curse, and also that she is cruel, by simply telling the reader. Showing would be actually describing that she could through action:
“Maybe it’s possible, or maybe not. Who’s to say?” The Sorceress smirks and mutters something under her breath, and suddenly you feel so much lighter. The curse has been lifted! Just as you’re about to thank her, however, the crushing weight of the world bears itself down upon you once more, all the more painful now that you’ve tasted freedom.
Now the reader knows that the Sorceress is both capable of curing the curse, and also cruel, without the narrator having to directly say it! Instead the reader is able to figure it out on their own. Note that there is still some telling even in this example, because like, yeah you’re gonna have to do it sometimes. Just don’t overdo either and you’re good!
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I appreciate the input from both of you.
Could I bring a small excerpt of my own writing and we can work it into a ‘show’ instead of a ‘tell’?
Last time I had trouble with this kind of writing, this is how I fixed it and I was able to refer back to the ‘fixed’ section later when I needed to review how it was structured and said.
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I’d be willing to give it a shot at least! Though I can’t promise anything spectacular.
“Yeah, sorry about blondie. He’s kind of a douche.” Walks with Winds grumbles.
“Okay, that’s enough. Name calling is not only not constructive but it’s also against our employee regulations.” Miller sighs as he turns his attention back to the small plate of crackers and cheese on the table.
“… douche.” Walks with Winds says under its breath as it returns to what it was doing before; eating a bowl of nutrient paste set before it.
“Aren’t Nisai normally really polite…?” Clark asks as he leans against the partition behind him.
“Normally, we are, yes.” a new face says as she enters. It’s another Nisai, though this one has taken the rough shape of a human woman with a long pony tail. Her body is blue, like Walks with Winds, and her heels made from her own body click against the floor as she walks as her labcoat clings to her body. “Sings with Winds. I’m her sister.” she introduces herself as she sits down next to you. “I’m a part of the research and development team for the new colony. Head of it, technically. Human technology is incredible! I’m so honored to be a part of your colony.” she beams, though you know the smile is meant to display her emotions in a way you can understand rather than a genuine smile.
Would this section be sufficient?
Well, to be honest, this is already a lot of showing and not a lot of telling. That’s not a bad thing!
Telling in this case would be something like:
“Aren’t Nisai normally really polite…?” Clark asks while trying to look casual.
The narrator here is simply saying that Clark is trying to look casual. It’s not very descriptive, and leaves it up to the reader as to what “trying to look casual” looks like. In your example however:
The narrator is describing Clark taking an action that I personally took to be him trying to look casual. The narrator didn’t tell me that that’s what he’s trying to do, but I drew that conclusion based on what I was shown.
As for this section:
It needs a bit of an editing pass for grammar, but aside from that, you’re describing a character when introducing them – there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not excessive and it needs to be done, and it establishes her as looking similar to Walks with Winds.
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Maybe my concerns are less founded than I think they are. I am pretty self-critical when it comes to my writing in general.
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This is the only part that I would note as being unnecessarily “telling”, but the rest looks fine in that regard.
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One big trap to look out for is overpuppeting the characters. I do it all the time and it’s a bad habit: every line of dialogue paired with a corresponding bit of physical movement. Creates a jolty stop-start pacing.
Sometimes it’s better to just let the dialogue stand on its own.
However it’s also a trap to let the dialogue stand too much on its own.
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This is great advice but I should note that the two examples provided are rather different and not simply because of show dont tell. Namely that the first was the thought of asking for help. While the other seemed to less imply a choice in the matter and directly had agency removed hy having the sorceress do what was instead pondered in the first. So something to note in that regard.
Unfortunately the idealest and bestest way to show dont tell from that example is one that would require you to have shown the sorceress being cruel and capable beforehand and thus when the decision comes, you dont have to do either and the player is already making that observation from memory.l
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I just wokr up and therd like five repliy. C da re
Also don’t swear off telling entirely, you’ll wreck your pacing if you’re showing everything.
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Totally this. For any piece of writing stylistic advice, if you follow it all the time, you’ll start to sound like an alien. Decide when things flow better with telling and when they flow better with showing, accept that your style will never make everyone happy, and have fun. 
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Thanks guys. I fell asleep again. 16 hour naps ammirite?
Finally at my computer at the moment.
Any suggestion for this part in particular? The context is that she is an alien and… well, body language is not universal when you start dealing with extraterrestrial life that does not share our generalized anatomy.
Pacing? What does pacing mean in this context?
I think there’s a level of nuance here. Plenty of IF works have romantic interests who are written to be conventionally attractive and broadly desired. Think of a handsome/beautiful prince/princess, or an actor, or in YA fiction the trope of the queen bee cheerleader. When you write any type of fiction, you’re creating an imagined reality, and the player’s actions have to comport with that reality. You certainly don’t have to be attracted to the village beauty, but there are ways to control the freedom of choice a player has in order to heighten the story’s themes, immersion, or make it feel more ‘realistic.’
Usually, pacing refers to the speed at which the story progresses.
A scene in a story that leans heavily on ‘telling’ the reader information will usually move quicker: A tall man entered the shop. He was in a hurry.
A scene that leans more towards ‘showing’ the reader information will move slower: A man ducked into the shop, his head brushing the top of the doorframe. He strode impatiently over to the counter, his fingers tapping quickly against his wallet as he glanced at his watch.
Both of these introductions contain two sentences, and both convey the same basic information: a shop, a man, his height, his hurry. But the details in the second version make it more than twice as long as the first.
If the tall man is a minor character who only appears in the background of one scene, then the first introduction may be more useful because it contains zero distracting information. If, however, Tall Man is a recurring character then the second, slower-paced approach gives the reader more time to remember him. That’s the trick of pacing.
To pull from your own example:
"Sings with Winds. I'm her sister."
This is the point where the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule might apply.
Although Sings with Wind introduces herself as a sister, and her description mentions their physical similarities, the lack of acknowledgement between them when Sings with Wind enters the scene comes across as contradictory.
It goes on long enough for Sings with Wind to sit down and strike up a conversation with somebody else – which is just a bit too long for it to be plausible that neither of them had time for a greeting.
So we’re looking at one sibling in a position of authority, and another sibling who seems to have a problem with authority. Maybe there’s a reason they’re not saying hello. That’s an interesting dynamic that seems like it could complicate their interactions.
However, neither the characters or the narrator acknowledge anything about that either.
Sings with Wind just tells me that they’re siblings. But there’s no follow-up display that gives a clue to what that relationship means to them, either as individuals, or as Nisai. This is the kind of ‘telling’ that needs a little bit of ‘show’ attached.
If you’re feeling self-critical, I’d say not to worry too much about the quality of your prose. The scene is engaging and I’m already curious why Walks with Wind doesn’t like the blond guy!
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Also showing-not-telling something like “you’ve been neighbours for years” would require inserting a whole scene where you’d be bumping to each other constantly on the driveway or something, that would be only tangentially related to what’s actually happening and would derail the whole thing if, say, inserted in the middle of an action scene where you want to explain who the person pulling you into cover is.
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