Shattering Time - Demo (On Hiatus)


#1

After an accident, you find out that you have the ability to rewind time. But what turns out to be a gift get’s you into more trouble than you think at first! Finding yourself in a future that imprisons people like you, you must decide whether you want to help out the local resistance group to take down the one behind all of this or if you want him gone for good. Or perhaps you want to take the throne for yourself? Will you help or betray your friends? Will you save them or will you let them die?

Can you survive this new, unfamiliar surroundings? Can you balance everything while finding a lover? Will you include him in your machinations or will you let them in the dark? Are you going to make allies? Or enemies? All of this is your decision.


Hello everyone!

I am a fairly new to Choice of Games though I played a few games already and it is really an interesting concept. I recently started creating my own story and finished the Prolog. It is not really long though I wanted to hear what you people would think of the idea. I am not a native English speaker, so sometimes I mess up with the writing, mostly grammar and the tenses though otherwise I think it is alright.

What I would grateful for:
Mostly I am searching for any
1, Spelling or grammatical errors, same for typos.
2, Coding and Stat errors,
3, I am always open for suggestions of improvement!
4, If there is anything that you would like to mention, just say it. I am always open for suggestions or anything else you have to say.
Though, The only thing I would ask of is that you do not criticize the Characters or the Story just yet.

Demo:
With the help of AJ_, I am now able to use DropBox as well!
Here is the Prolog for you guys :smile:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/j0wac0rjgnwjei0/mygame_complete.html?dl=0

Please tell me what you think so far!

Also, we now have a save system! Thanks to @CJW for the plugin!
Please tell me if the system works :slight_smile: For me at least it does.


Are you working on a game in ChoiceScript? Let us know!
#2

I’ve PMd you about Dropbox :slight_smile:

Sounds interesting but I have to ask, will you be able to play as ‘evil’ or at least make choices that affect morality? :smiling_imp: i.e do you have to save people or can you use your powers for other means? Sorry, I’m obsessed with evil characters :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


#3

Hey there :slight_smile:

Thank you for the PM! Will do that in a minute ~

In the game, you will have the chance to become evil, yes. Though I am not yet 100% sure how I will include it.
I understand the part with the evil characters, as I love them as well XD


#4

Found a little mistake; in the very beginning of the story as you walk out you called the mailbox a P.O. box instead(you rent P.O. boxes at the actual post office).

It says Lois is a guy… Lois seems more like a girl name, unless you meant Louis?


#5

Here are some things I noticed:

  1. In the scene where Mr. Robinson leaves for work, I notices that it said soon instead of sun. (you try to ignore the slowly creeping soon from your window.)

  2. In the same scene, there is a sentence that sounds a bit choppy. I think it’ll be better if you remove the “are”, and change the “throwing” to threw. (Sighing, you are throwing the blankets away from you and stand up to take some fresh clothes from the wardrobe.)

  3. I had to reread one sentence a few time to figure out that the letter was for the sister, not the newspaper. But I liked the idea a lot. (You raise an eye at a crudely made letter as you place down the newspaper, which is for your little sister made by an admirer from her class.)

  4. Changing “Loves” to “love” would be more grammatically correct, I believe :smile: ( who loves you and your siblings down to the core.)

  5. Changing “throws” to “throw” and “finished” to “finish” seems more readable. (and throws the apple into the trash bin after you finished it)

  6. The eye opening is a little repetitive, maybe take out “Though as you opened them,” and replace it with “In actuality,”. Also, you have two siblings. :blush: (Opening your eyes, you expect to see the wrecked remains of the car, possibly flames or anything else that would indicate that a crash has just happened. Though as you open them, you find yourself in the car, your sibling sitting on their seats if nothing has ever happened or was happening just a few seconds prior.)

  7. Can’t needs an apostrophe. (you cant blame them.)

  8. Why is idea capitalized? (no Idea)

  9. "those WHO have powers. (You would be surprised how many people can track those you have powers and those which have none.)

  10. I love the idea, and the plot-line that this story is going into. There are some other minor comments that I don’t want to really mention, because I feel like now you hate me because I’m being such a critic. I hope that these tips were helpful, and I really want to read the rest of your story . . . and critique it. Keep writing, please!


#6

The power to reverse time… I just fall in love with your idea…

I think I saw a game before called “A wise use of time” at the Choice of Game menu maybe you could inspire yourself with it (?

I am very interested in the plot and I only wish to see where it all takes MC on all this.

A commnet aside, you realice that you had powers in an accident… Classic… :slight_smile:


#7

I found another mistake-

When you meet the person with the “coal black” hair you first address them as a girl then you start addressing her as a male with words such as: him and his.


#8

Hey if you need someone to test for you I’d totally be down to help you out. I love these types of games


#9

When you say that these people are dangerous blah blah the woman says how it doesn’t matter if they are good or bad. Which doesn’t sound like a reaponce to what was chosen.

Other than that story seems fine. Can’t be worse than “Life is strange” at least xD


#10

@RyseAbove
Thank you for your message :smile:

I was not sure how to translate it, because when we translate it from my language, it just said p.o. box for me. Though Mailbox probably makes more sense!

And also, the other mistake you noticed depends on the character you Play. If you like Girls, you will get this Person as female, otherwise (and originally) they were supposed to be a male.

I will upload an updated version when I get home.

Thanks!

@Hollywood_University

Hey there!

I think I managed to correct everything. Thank you very much for pointing those mistakes out for me.

Sometimes when I read what others notice I just want to sink into the ground, cause some of those mistakes are really silly…

Anyway, Thank you very much for your help!
And I would be happy if you could point out more mistakes :smile: And don’t worry, I do not hate you XD I love it when People are able to help me. Then at least I know they understand what I mean and everything. So yay :smiley:

I will upload an updated version when I get home.

@ShadowBroker
Glad you like the Idea :smile:
Yes, I noticed that game and played it I think a month ago? I am not really sure, though I own it on Steam.
And yes, I also notice how classical that is. Though I just didnt know at that time how I am supposed to make it possible to gain the ability.

@Blazerules
I will take a look at it, thank you very much :smile:
I have not played “Life is strange” yet myself, though I am not going to. I watched a letsplay of it, and I was disappointed. So I dont really like the game.

@adamthecowdog
Hey there!
You can test the Prolog if you click on the link on the first post :slight_smile: There you can try it out and tell me of any mistakes or something else I might need to improve.


#12

Don’t worry too much. When you are proof-reading your own work you often see what you thought you wrote, not what you actually wrote. This is why more eyeballs is better :smiley:


#13

This looks good I’d happily help


#14

The Prologue has been edited quite a lot and now has a new beginning.
Also, I changed Lois/Louis to Taylor, as the name fits the character I have in mind more.
If anyone finds mistakes, I will gladly correct them ^^


#15

I love your new version even better.
I noticed a few things though, but it’s really improved.

  1. I don’t think you need the “is” in this sentence. (Dust gets flung up from the ground as you make contact with the street, the worn, black coat you are wearing billowing is in the wind as you make your way towards the other side of the street.

  2. The “or’s” in this sentence seem a bit repetative (You remember that laughter of children and their loyal dogs filled those streets, as well as the happy chattering of young and old people as they wrote emails or talked to their cell phones or coils with friends or families.)

  3. I have two things about this next sentence: Why is family capitalized? Are you talking about your friends, and family? Or just friends and family in general? (Friends and Families… You miss them dearly. You miss their laughter, their smile, their warmth.)

  4. Repeating “though” twice seems a bit unnecessary, maybe take one out? (but comfortable furniture, though even though it was so simple, it has always been a place you felt at home. )

  5. Is Castor the biggest city, or one of the biggest? (Castor, one of the biggest cities around, with Kalum being the second and Horux the third largest.) If it’s the biggest, I’d recommend changing “one of the biggest cities” to “the biggest city”. If not, I’d recommend mentioning the biggest city as well.

  6. You used present tense for a past tense action, something I do a lot. (Why haven’t you closed the curtains the evening prior?)

  7. Did you mean to say “do”? (You so not like the cold seasons.)

  8. Maybe change “at that age” with something like “back then” or “back when”. Just so it isn’t that repetitive. (at the age of four - at that age,)

  9. Not to sound like a stickler, but where I’m from, we say it like “it’s not even seven yet” (Aren’t you a bit early today? Normally you get up at around nine though we do not even have seven yet.)

  10. (I will write a memo later in the day so I won’t forget it) The sentence sounded a bit odd without the “in” sorry!

  11. (that there is no enough sugar in his drink,) Did you mean to take out the no?

  12. Maybe take out two or add they and two? (Just as start thinking about the first two lessons, which you are sure you are not going to enjoy as it (they) is (are) one (two) of your least favorite subjects)

  13. No “s” is necessary, but it is not a grammar error so much as different people saying different things. (detective works!")

  14. I love you new story so much better than the old, I just wish our choices wold affect the storyline more. Kisses :kissing_heart:, and great jobs with writing this. I may edit stuff, but writing is too much work!


#16

I meant to say I love “YOUR”, not YOU.


#17

And would, not wold.


#18

Just a question, are we playing a 19 year old who’s for some reason still in high school and for some reason still doesn’t have his drivers license?


#19

Could also be “not.”

missing “you” between “as” and “start” there also.


#20

heh I’m 34 and still don’t have anything more than a UK learners licence :smiley:


#21

Thanks for correcting MY mistakes.