Seven days in purgatory (2020 Sept 5th, Chapters 3/7) (ko-fi open: Jan 6)

I’ll be trying to expand the options and add narration differences between low and high attunement! But there still will be certain parts of the story (especially in earlier days) where you can’t control your reactions because you haven’t been able to cast away your past self completely. This will usually be characterised by a strange physical reaction or trance like mood, as it was in the vows.

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At first I was kinda confused about the title and description, thinking “Ok this spouse person is kinda nice I guess”

And the line: “I will always get you back”

I am concerned, confused, scared, and very intrigued.

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Playing the new chapter gave me awesome shivery feelings of creepy delight. I love the hints that, if you so choose, your character is just as creepy and, uh, unconventional as A is. Also, as someone whose country had an ancient tradition of drinking the other party’s blood to solidify a covenant or brotherhood, the vow renewal gave me the shivers. Granted, it’s super duper creepy in our more modern times, especially when it was dumped on the character with little to no context beforehand, but knowing my country’s historical traditions gave it a different… taste? (pun unintended) than just creepy, possibly obsessive people making over the top signs of love. It gave it a different kind of weight. Or maybe that’s just me. The tradition I’m talking about is called sanduguan, btw! In case anyone’s curious :slight_smile:

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Heeeeey, do you have tumblr? I would like to follow you there, if you have any.
I loooveee the plot line, the concept, and will definitely waiting for your every update and buy your game when it finish. Good work!

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Now that I’ve seen this, i cannot unsee it! I’ve adjusted my mindset according to this theory and proceed to go through several playthroughs, and everything just simply makes so much sense! This actually fits waaay better than my own theory of us being a victim of Stockholm Syndrome, or that we’ve run away from an obsessive ex-lover; especially after the blood-exchanging ceremony scenes. And I’m really thrilled to find out how much of a monster that the MC was. I’m totally in the bandwagoon of the MC being a cannibal

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So I played the demo. I’m confused as hell but I like how its written.

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Thank you! I do have a tumblr account but I don’t really use it for any particular purpose. I’m not really familiar with the platform.

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I really enjoyed reading your story it actually gave me both a sense of wonder and slight bit of fear towards the end. Really am looking forward to the rest.

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With this version’s ending ceremony I’m now quite sure either MC or the ‘partner’ is missing some screws in the head. Story is now extremely weird, creepy and totally unique. Loved every bit of it. Also your writing style is perfect for this story.Who said cannibals don’t like fresh vegetables and fruits right ?

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exactly yes!! at first I was just thinking maybe I’m simply biased bc I watched and adored that show but, it makes sense. there is no way in hell mc is a sane person themselves, the theory that the crash was just A trying to injured mc to not let them get away after mc possibly suggested breaking up with them didn’t really…
sit right with me?
I more felt like mc, before losing their memories knew who/what A is but they were… alright with it, or did relate to them.

also how on earth did A manage to get mc, an unconscious patient to travel from the states to finland?? A definitely is shady enough that they get to pull off something like that, I didn’t believe A saying their job is just “analyzing,” but apart from that mc’s behavior weirded me as well. at first I went with my to-go loving mc and, I was confused. there was just something wrong with them. whether if mc accepted A’s love or rejected being touched, they still were… weird.

and about my mc, finally figured him out!! he does trust anthony but, is internally very conflicted. the absent of his memories/the unknown is very much scary, and A’s love feels like the only grounding and secure thing. I doubt he actually does have feelings for anthony. :man_shrugging: sucks to be him ig haha.

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I’m trying to add reaction options in chapter 1 right now. Do you have any suggestions for the

Now, ${Anthony} smiles with affection and mischief. Another familiar look.

“How can I not when I behold such rare beauty?”

scene?

Maybe a blushing option, and like different remarks? (Like a denial, or like a sarcastic response?)

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Hey Sel_Lee, I just wanted to come in here and comment on how quickly I got invested into this progressing story. From the growing sense of disturbance to the remoteness of where the characters are right up my alley! It’s making me very eager to see how this plot will turn out in the future. Keep up the good work my guy!

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The writing here is fantastic Twisted relationships are my bag so I can’t wait for my adorable psycho-spouse to find that, despite my memory loss, my unnatural natural instincts are still there, so romantic. :kiss: :skull: If that’s how it’s going to go that is. A grown-up Wednesday Adams can dream, can’t she?

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(this is my first comment in the forums and I’m sort of irrationally worried that I’m doing this wrong, so uh sorry in advance.)

I haven’t read through everyone’s comments here, so I’m sure I’m repeating theories, but… During my first read, I figured our spouse was the bad one, and the car crash was MC’s escape attempt (either murder-and-suicide or murder-and-hope-for-the-best). Once we got to the blood-eating, though, I started to believe that the MC had been pressuring the spouse into, um, cannibalism, and our spouse is so in love with us that they’ve been going along with whatever we do. (As an aside–I’ve never watched Hannibal, but from my understanding of it through tumblr osmosis, I think our spouse gives off fanon Will vibes.) This second theory seems more hopeful to me, assuming the MC can change personalities post-amnesia, since I do like the idea of the MC being like “oh no honey let’s not eat each other anymore.” Though I did like to imagine first-theory endings that involved truly escaping the spouse and dramatically reuniting with our cat. One more wild theory–I have vague suspicions that A actually has Nico’s described background??? Only because A didn’t describe Nico in negative terms, and Nico was described to not have made friends with our cat (and our cat presumably ran away). It’s not my strongest theory, admittedly.

This is just gushing, now, but I loved the scene with the siren! The questions are sort of delightfully scary, like the “Is A really my spouse?” one–I hadn’t even suspected that A wasn’t our spouse before I read that. It’s an excellent way to introduce conspiracies.

I also love that we can name the spouse. I’m a little suspicious that this has a deeper, narrative-related reason, but at this point I’m just tickled that I can have two of my OCs in one cog. A sort of fun observation from this: putting my OC’s name in for the spouse did make me trust the spouse a lot more. It’s mainly fun because the story is all about (the lack of ?) preconceived notions about the MC and the spouse, so I almost felt like I was cheating by putting in names of characters who I know very well. Anyway: neat.

As for grammatical things–this isn’t really an error, but the characters seemed so English to me, a person from Oklahoma who watches a moderate amount of BBC shows, that I was genuinely surprised that the spouse was with the FBI. I don’t know if I’m just an anomaly here (if so, like please feel free to ignore me) since it’s just small stuff, like the "dear"s and "darling"s (and "I’ve got"s instead of "I have"s, but that might be a regional US thing). But on the off chance that there actually is a UK vibe that isn’t intentional, feel free to let me know and I can try to find specific dialogue that stood out to me.

Oh, one quick grammar nitpick–there are several places where there are two dots rather than three-dot ellipses. Probably would be easiest just do to a find-and-replace thing.

Dialogue choice things–I’ve actually been very pleasantly surprised with the variety of choices here! Past-MC seems sort of pretentious ngl, but it’s nice that our current MC can just be like “…what” when our spouse starts making Hannibal references. Then again, my second MC is pretty pretentious! So it’s nice to be able to lean into that part of her personality, too.

Anyway, this comment is a huge wall of text! Overall, I’m very excited to see where this goes!

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AAAA Thank you for the long review and theories!!!

It’s perfect ; v ;

I’m so glad for this review!! English is not my first language, so I have little gauge on the slight differences between English used in different countries. I would absolutely love some help to make it sound more American.

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Awww…I find the “dears and darlings” so very endearing. They give off loving pet name vibes to me. :heart:

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Oh I had no idea English wasn’t your first language! I can definitely try to help make it sound more American, though nothing on its own really shouts “These characters are from England”–it’s a combination of things. So I don’t think all of these changes are necessary; you could probably just pick some of them and the problem would fix itself after that.

So, first, the pet names: “dear” and “darling” are cute! It’s just that they’re old-fashioned, and “darling” especially is very stereotypically-British sounding (unless you live in Texas and pronounce it like “darlin’”). If you want the characters to sound old-fashioned, that’s completely valid! But I personally love the pet name “angel” that the spouse says once or twice, so I’d recommend replacing a few "dear"s and "darling"s with “angel” instead. (“Beautiful” and “sweetheart” are also some terms of endearment that I think would fit the spouse’s character.)

Here are some other sentences that stood out to me, followed by possible edits and reasoning:

It’s Haller, or rather, Abernathy-Haller

It’s Haller, or actually Abernathy-Haller

(Some Americans do use “rather” like that, though it’s not common.)

I’ve missed you.

I missed you

(I wasn’t sure if I was just making this up, but I finally found a wikipedia page on American and British English grammar differences that said the present perfect tense is a preference in British English, meaning there’s a British preference towards phrases like “I’ve missed you” and an American preference towards “I missed you.” This actually gets more complicated than just a general preference, though, since Americans DO tend to say “I’ve been here before” or “I’ve done this before”–we just don’t tend to say things like “I’ve done the laundry” when we mean “I did the laundry.” I’m just gonna leave the link here: American and British English grammatical differences - Wikipedia )

You’ll remember it like how one can never forget how to ride a bicycle.

You’ll remember it, just like you never forget how to ride a bicycle.

You’ll remember it, like how you never forget how to ride a bicycle.

(Feel free to ignore my commas, I throw them in very liberally. Anyway, the use of “one” is grammatically correct, and Americans would probably use it in formal writing, but I think really only pretentious people and English professors would say it out loud. UNLESS we knew the action didn’t apply to the person we were talking about. Like, if I knew my friend didn’t know how to ride a bike, I might say, “Like how you never forget how to ride a bike. Not you-you. Like how one never forgets how to ride a bike–you get what I mean.”
Changing ‘one’ to ‘you’ here actually works really well with the next “Do I know how to ride a bike?” line, since it does introduce a sort of vagueness to the statement.
All that being said, if you want the spouse to sound very proper, keep it! Using technically-correct grammar like that really gives off that vibe, which can work just fine if it’s intentional.)

As I’ve always done.

As I always have.

Like I always have.

(“I have done” is definitely more of a British English thing, though this particular sentence actually didn’t stand out to me at first. It’s another one that’s just a little too proper-sounding.)

We have enough to spare to stay here for as long as you’d like.

We have enough to spare to stay here for as long as you want.

Tell me, was that a dream or a memory?

Was that a dream or a memory?

Can you tell me if that was a dream or a memory?

(100% understand if you want to keep the Hannibal-esque “tell me” even though we don’t say it like that very often.)

A memory, I believe

A memory, I think

Probably a memory

(Again, it just sounds very proper. Which is fine!)

No need. It turned out rather well, actually.

It turned out well, actually

It worked out pretty well, actually

(I’d be more likely to say something like “It turned out pretty good, actually” or just “It worked out okay,” but those are a lot more informal. The main point is that we don’t tend use “rather” as an adverb or predeterminer.)

“We should eat. Come with me. I’ll get you the standing wheelchair thing.”
“Walking frame.”

Rollator

Rolling walker

(“Walking frame” is actually a British term, which I admittedly only realized after I googled it. We tend to call the ones with zero wheels or two front wheels just “walkers”, whereas rollators/rolling walkers have four wheels.)

Yes that. You can sit at the counter while I cook.

Yeah, that.

Yep, that.

(This is reaching new levels of nitpicky, but “yes” actually sounds too formal here lmao, especially contrasted with “the standing wheelchair thing.”)

As much as I’d love to see that again, it’s a bit chilly for that.

As much as I’d love to see that again, it’s a little chilly for that.

As much as I’d love to see that again, it’s a little cold for that.

(We’re less likely to use “a bit” and more likely to use “a little”. “Chilly” is fine, but “it’s a little chilly” doesn’t roll off the tongue very easily.)

You squint at the weird ice box from which Anthony pulls out a plucked bird.

You squint at the weird refrigerator from which Anthony pulls out a plucked bird.

(“Ice box” or “icebox” is more commonly used by people 80+ years old. I had to google it to make sure it’s used interchangeably with “fridge”–it is, though apparently an icebox is also a specific type of fridge. Regardless of whether or not it actually is an icebox, I’m moderately positive the characters would use “fridge” or “refrigerator” or, if it’s just for keeping things frozen, “freezer”.)

I’ve got something prepared for us today.

I have something prepared for us today.

I prepared something for us today.

I’ve thought of some activities to jog up your memory

I thought of some activities to jog your memory

I came up with some activities to jog your memory

(Another present perfect thing, but also I don’t think we use the phrase “jog up” instead of “jog”.)

Aaaand I think those are the only ones that really stood out! There are a few more places that seem formal, but it works in context.

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See, I find being called “darling” far more precious than being called “angel”, but to each their own, I guess.

I feel that because the MC is “older” (in comparison to most other stories here) and because they (along with their mate) seem to be intellectuals, that most of these words are totally appropriate. I mean, they own a Gramaphone, for heaven’s sake!..I dont find using less common words (that were common, even in America a few decades ago) odd in this story, at all. Again, just my opinion. I really enjoy how they speak to eachother.

You are right about “jog up” though. That must’ve been a mistake.

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