Hi! Just fixed it, apparently I just don’t know how to code haha. Sorry about that!
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Just updated it with a working version, sorry about the inconvenience. Apparently I just forgot a single letter but that was enough to throw the entire thing into shambles. Sorry again!
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Alright, it should work now. Sorry about that, apparently I just don’t know how to spell anymore haha!
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Ahhh I love cas! 
Kind of head-canoning that he and my mc have always secretly had feelings for one another and a near miss kiss in their teenage years 
Very interested in the story and MC plus all the dreams they get. Looking forward to future updates and yeah just cas is just ugh love 
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Ah I see. If I’m allowed to suggest, would it be better to have a little bit explanation in first chapter? Because I feel like I have to choose how to react/think on the spot without knowing anything: or is that on purpose?
Some comments:
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I agree with other people comment that the POV when we read RO’s mind should be that person’s and not MC’s because it feel weird and jarring.
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If you ask Cas after receiving the phone call, you said ‘you can tell me Cas, maybe I can help’. I think that’s not the right response; that response is what you said if the problem is solely for Cas but what MC knows, it’s related to the event and not personal. I think it’s more suitable to say something in line with ‘I have to handle this event, if there’s problem, I should know’.
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This is MC’s first meeting with Eli, right? But he mentioned MC using their first name instead of their family name; it seems out of character.
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When meeting MC mom; she baked cookies and when the oven ding, she scattered. You use the word ‘scatter’ for a group of people/object go simultaneously to different direction.
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Glad to see chapter 2 is live! It was fun getting to do a casual run through, and I really enjoyed it! I actually wanted to comment on something that’s really interested me on this, so, uh, here goes I guess.
Hero vs villain protagonists aka Jayffel talks a lot
Normally when I play video games, especially IF, I am like the bleedingest of hearts. I want to play a lawful good, knight in shining armor, love you and everybody, Undertale Pacifist character. And this game is…kind of challenging that? But not in a way that makes it FEEL like it’s challenging that, or feels like it’s judging me for playing that sort of character, or makes me absolutely sure I want to abandon that path.
I guess what I’m saying is this is a situation where I feel betrayed and manipulated by the characters, and that makes me WANT to turn on them in a way that most games wouldn’t pull off. But at the same time, I still like the ROs (okay maybe I don’t like Hewitt but I follow the tumblr so I know there’s at least some not-insufferable aspects to them. Somewhere.), and I’m willing to believe that at least Santiago is more or less well-intentioned. So I want to give them a chance. But I also don’t?? I’m legitimately conflicted, and that’s not something your average story can pull off with me.
It’s…strange. And interesting. And really good, I think. I’ve played games where I thought, “Which choice does the game arbitrarily view as correct?” but it’s very rare that a game present me with a situation where I honestly don’t know what MY “right choice” is. Where I don’t know how I want to, dare I say…tip the scales. put on sunglasses
…I’m not sure I said that very well, haha. What I’m saying is that I think the game’s doing something well that a lot of other games fall flat on, and I’m super excited to see how this continues. 
[speculation redacted because there might actually be something to it?? 
]
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Hi! The explanation isn’t provided at first to keep that effect! Thank you for the comments, I appreciate them! I’ll work on revising and updating the chapter so it’ll be more clear for everyone.
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Hey!! Thank you! Your take on the whole hero vs villain thing was honestly really interesting to me and I’m glad that I was able to do that. (Is that mean? It was good intentioned, I promise though I have no clue anymore haha!)
As for your speculation…that’s definitely a hot take, isn’t it? Guess we’ll just have to find out before anything bad happens! Or would it be too late by then? 
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I love love love LOVEEEEE this story. It’s SO Good! It has such a natural flow, you don’t want it to end. It has its funny moment, the dialogues are Gold, it’s filled with ‘What will happen!!! Tell mehhh’’ and keep you on the edgeeeee…and end way too soon !
Ahhhh…looking forward to the continuation 
and Cass…Swoon…yeah, you got a gem here!
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I had fun time read chapter 2 I wish good luck on great story
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I’m loving this so far! I did manage to find a few typos, though.
Typos
I’m think this is supposed to say “drops”.
Think there’s a missing bracket here, the MC’s side comment kind of merges with the rest of the sentence.
I’m… not quite sure what’s going on here. Is it supposed to be “Hard to believe that when you’re pointing a sword at me, Cameron.”, or something else?
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Good catch, thank you! I just made the adjustments, but the Cameron part is giving me some difficulty. (Kind of in character haha!) It’s coded, but still only showing that part of the sentence. I’ll look into it further, but thank you again!
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Howdy! I have some thoughts on story stuff and style stuff, and I word vomited a lot, so I stuck it all under cuts. Definitely feel free to ignore any and all of this, l o l!
Content thoughts
On a story note, the MC is super shaken up by the dream no matter what. I know it’s meant to be traumatizing, but if I’m reading correctly, the MC has no idea the dreams are real; a slightly more skeptical or apathetic reaction option might be nice, though I admit it would add more coding legwork and potentially branching later on. Mainly because right now all the responses are quite emotional, and there’s not really an option that lets the MC say something more blithe, like “oh haha that one was super weird! Wonder what my subconsious is trying to say lol.”
Alternately, if you want the MC to alwas be upset by the dream, you could have an option where the MC is confused by their own response, like “why do I feel this way about a dream? Why did is it affecting me so much, its not real,” so on so forth.
In other places–like if you choose to press Cas for details, he says that people after after the MC, and the MC is kind of like, “meh, alright.”
If there’s a reason the MC would feel that way because of the past–say, if they’re had other strange run-ins, it would be good to know because it kind of feels like the MC is underreacting to a decently serious situation. If there’s not a precedent, it might be nice to include an extra dialogue set there where the MC can say, essentially, “Cas, wtf,” or something a little less chill.
Stylistic thoughts
After the cut from chapter one to two, we immediately get dialogue that continues over from the previous scene. It might be helpful to add a transitory sentence or two–like, “the room is silent blah blah blah then everyone speaks at once blah blah blah”–before the dialogue. Or, potentially consider shifting the divide between the chapter so that the scene isn’t broken into two, mid-dialogue. Or, as a third option, make that chapter start directly from Cas’s perspective, since he’s closest to MC. More on this option in a minute.
On the first page of chapter two, there’s this sentence: “The past that you didn’t know existed.” If the “you” in reference here is the MC, it should say he/she/they; alternately, instead of having a “peer into Cas’s thoughts” option, you could make it clear that the start of chapter two is from his perspective, with his thoughts, and then a sentence saying “that you didn’t know existed” would make sense since Cas is thinking about the MC.
In terms of pacing, taking note of small things in the environment, the character fidgeting, etc, might be nice. For example, during the thought scenes, it’s mostly just thoughts. A quick aside for “he/she bites his/her cheek in thought,” or something of the sort, can help ground the moment and make it a little more tangible–particularly because, even though we’re looking into their thoughts, they’re still present in the material world, and still interacting with objects–the chairs they sit on, the lights they stand under, they feel the temperature of the room, etc.
There’s also a lot of verb tense mixing, particularly past vs. present, and there are places where some transitional words or punctuation could be added to smooth it out. Here’s an example:
"“Okay, but what actually happened in there?” You look up, meeting him with a pressing gaze. For a moment, he looked unsure as if he were weighing the options.
“We were discussing the guest list.”
You narrow your eyes, Cas turns away. “You’re lying again,” you frowned. With an exasperated sigh, he finally looks at you."
The italicized bits could be re-written as follows:
"“Okay, but what actually happened in there?” You look up, meeting him with a pressing gaze. For a moment, he looks unsure as if he’s weighing the options.
“We were discussing the guest list.”
You narrow your eyes, Cas turns away. “You’re lying again,” you frown. With an exasperated sigh, he finally looks at you."
And then you could throw in some punctuation/transitions and edit to something like this:
"“Okay, but what actually happened in there?” You look up, meeting him with a pressing gaze. For a moment, he looks unsure–as if he’s weighing the options.
“We were discussing the guest list.”
You narrow your eyes, and Cas turns away. “You’re lying again,” you frown. With an exasperated sigh, he finally looks at you."
That’s all stylistic stuff, but it can potentially add some grease to the wheels, so to speak.
I would also make a similar note for the dialogue-heavy chunks as the thinking chunks; even though the dialogue is the focus, a few morsels about the environment, the way the characters are moving, etc, can give a lot of insight into what they’re feeling, etc, in addition to slowing down any pacing that feels to fast.
When reading in-print books, with action scenes, sentences tend to be short, dialogue swapped rapid-fire; in calmer, more casual scenes, sentences tend to be longer, and dialogue buffered by observations, actions, and asides, which contributes to whether a scene feels paced correctly relative to the scene’s content/focus.
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Is the Emperor still alive if he is I have words 
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Hello! Thank you for the notes, I’ll incorporate them in a revision of chapter two and moving forward!
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Hi! Aamon is dead which is probably for the best haha!
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there go my mob plan taking him back room
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you had me at enemies to lovers 
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Swatheford Short #1
Hey everyone! Yesterday, I hit a milestone back over on my tumblr so I shared a little short story! Miss Wilkins and Gary have been very popular characters and it just so happened that I have a worldbuilding practice that revolves around them! If y’all are interested in learning more about Miss Wilkins and Gary’s lives (and how Gary got his name), feel free to click this link! Thank you for y’alls support!
Sidenote: It’s a little weird that I have backstory for a goldfish, isn’t it?
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Weirder things have happened. Plus, the goldfish could be a potential plot-changing instrument.
Just saying.
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