Summary You are second-sighted, a Gift that allows you to see restless spirits and visions of death. When it makes you a target of the Asmanian Empire, you must act to stop the oncoming genocide and restore peace to the continent.
I like the concept. It seems like a fun setup and I love the ability to see spirits. Writing isnt bad, either. A few things though:
After gender select, the conversation starts with a lowercase pronoun.
When selecting the primary stat “Love of stories” improved charisma and “clever minds” improved knowledge. Which, frankly, is the opposite of what I expect, storytelling usually improving your silver tongue and clever improving intelligence. I get it after the fact, but after still means I have to restart to get the right character build.
You force me into running away from the Druids. Now, I get why someone would want to, but I usually play kid characters as obedient/eager to please and help (yes, I was a strange kid thanks for asking). She would have been excited to go and be useful (maybe Da won’t hate me, even if I can’t see him again), curious about the experience, or resigned to the idea. Maybe the reality sets in after a bit and she tried to sneak off, or maybe Ma talks her into running away, but the conclusion would be met with some resistance.
Ahh, good to know. You don’t really need to add a full storyline. It would be great if you could-- from a reader standpoint it’s fun to have more paths to explore, but if it overcomplicates the game/derails the plot too much, it’s okay not to have it (I, obviously, have no idea of your specific plot and timeline to know what’s best). If it would complicate things, you just might want to allow more reactions to the idea/a reason for an obedient/less independent child to need to run away. (And most of this is just suggestions anyway since this is still way in the new, new phases)
And I feel like I should apologize for the first post being mostly a list of complaints and nitpicks. >.< It’s usually meant as a compliment when I overanalyze/explain stuff (“Neat! I want to help this author get better.”), but it’s not like you can read my mind haha. Good luck to ya.
This one is suggestion, you might want to make this “where will you go?”
Now that aside, I like how is this going so far, although the demo is kinda feels rushed in my opinion since we barely knows mc family. I also have question, if mc choose to not runaway with the brother, can mc meet him again?
First, thank you for the feedback. (esp the $!{he}, because I have been trying and trying to figure that out.)
I plan to add a few more scenes. Originally this was going to be all I wrote for the prologue, but I’ve been thinking of things to add all day, including a graveyard scene.
Absolutely! You will eventually reunite with Ewan if you leave him at home, and he’ll remember what you said to him. You will get another opportunity to take him with you.
The game is good, but you should add more characterization for the MC. My MC doesn’t like anyone because the father never liked MC, and the fake mom didn’t protect MC.
At the part where you’re introducing that “Ma” is not Mc’s real mom, maybe you can ask what the MC calls her and why. I’d probably call her Mrs. (Mc’s last name) or something, because I wouldn’t see her as a mom if she didn’t stick up for me. You already have a how the mom feels about you choice when the mom looks at you when packing and that’s good.
I would have taken the brother with me, not because I liked him, but because I would upset the parents by kidnapping their favorite child and have my revenge. Asking why the MC chose to bring the brother or not would be good, like maybe a MC thought it would be dangerous and wanted to protect him by leaving him.
The " why did you do that" or “how do you feel about that” questions are good ways to add characterization without branching too much.
MC calls their stepmother “Mama” because that’s the only mother they’ve ever known. The MC is aware that Grayse is their “real” mom, but they’ve never known her, if that makes sense? I’m working on some more scenes for the prologue right now to allow the player a little more choice in how they feel about all this.
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