Runaway [WiP] [New Chapter Out: 26 February 2021]

This is a really cool premise! I like what I’ve read so far. Your writing style really helps me visualize the scenes, and I think you have a great way of describing the mood, especially in the first scene. The magic elements are really interesting so far, and in particular the bard’s scene was like living in a music video in the best way. :slight_smile:

Feedback

In response to your question at the end of the prologue, maybe you could write something about what the MC thinks about their father and/or remembering their mother? Looking back on their family life, what they’re about to lose as they run away? I don’t know if there would be a great way to write choices about that, besides maybe a reaction to the father specifically, whether we’re feeling understanding or betrayed, etc.

For other feedback, I felt like the alt text on the page breaks was too frequent and too long. I get not wanting a bunch of NEXTs, but most of these felt jarring, especially the ones that were dialogue. I’d personally recommend switching at least some of those to normal text.

I feel like given the circumstances, visiting Nikolas at the Mage Comissioner’s office seems really dangerous. Would it be possible to have them discuss why Nikolas wants you to visit in person more, and/or have more reluctant or suspicious choices about it? To be honest I thought it was a trap and was kind of surprised when it wasn’t :laughing: It’s cool if you don’t feel like that would work well, though.

Finally, I did a quick run through with some gender switches just to check stuff out and found an instance where Nicole’s name didn’t appear. [“Hey there, Elaine,” calls out as she greets you with a smile. “Glad to see you’re on time.”]. For reference, this version happened when I chose not to spend time with her after meeting at the tavern.

I think that’s about all I’ve got for now. I’m looking forward to what’s next!

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I remember this from the interest check thread! I see a few more choices have been added, and I’m excited to see where you’ll take this story.

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This seems really cool so far! The premise is really interesting, and I’m excited to see where it goes.

Feedback

I’ll add more once I get a chance to do a more thorough playthrough, but so far your writing style has set the scene very sucessfully! The opening scene in particular felt like a really nice gateway to the world and general tone of the setting.

I may not have caught this originally, but when we find out about Aidan deciding to forcibly awaken us I think an option to be angry right from the start could be interesting. I noticed some more unforgiving options speaking with N in the tavern, but the three original options when MC runs away didn’t read that way to me- though that could just be me reading in the wrong tone :slight_smile:

Overall I found the world very engaging, and I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read so far!

Pronoun switch

I did notice Nikolas’ pronouns switch when he asks you to meet him at his office. I’ll add any more if I find them!

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Hi! Well, I’ve gotta say, this demo is really entrancing! Your writing style is to die for, and your characters are already endlessly intriguing. (Your bard genuinely had me interested in the story! That’s how good your writing is!)

Anyways! I have more to say under the summary cut! — just so it’s easy to scroll through on the forum.

Summary

Firstly, great character building! I already feel like I know a thing or two about the MC’s dad and we only have the first scene to meet him. Same goes with Nikolas who I already can’t get enough of!
The story itself, too, is really interesting. Running from our dad to keep from being awakened in what is surely to be a horrific scene. Then we get news from an enemy of our country (country? If I have that right) about the whereabouts of the first mage who could help us awaken! Or better yet, help us escape the likely horrific awakening process!
This is the exciting first bits of an adventure, and your descriptions of the world and interactions between the people really make it come alive!
With all the gushing aside, I did find a few possible coding errors ( two of which I think are the same as the coding errors I fixed on my own mock-up a few days ago).

Screen shots

One thing I think you should know is that I play as a female, so in some instances Nikolas’s actions are referred to as “she” and because he’s set to male (in my play through anyway) I figure this could be a pronoun error where it’s placing my characters pronouns down for him. If I could look at the code I would be better help, but I have no idea how people do that. (There are so many cool people in this world).
In one of these the dialogue is missing a name. So it should read “calls out as he greets you with a smile.”

One of them reads: “you sit back and wait for his to gather her thoughts.” — where his should be him and her might be a pronoun error. It also has “their” in context as “He doesn’t elaborate further;however, instead furrowing their brow in a rare display of silence.” Which might also be a pronoun error. (I think it should be “his brow” because “their brow” makes it sound like he’s moving someone else’s eyebrow.)

The last one should say, “She says, gesturing to the chairs.” —which should be “He” because of Nickolas selected gender. — Again, I think it might be the same mistake I fixed in my own code a few days ago, but that’s just a theory.

Thank you for humoring my critiques. I hope I was able to help you in some way (and that I wasn’t too blunt). I’ve really enjoyed your story and I look forward to future updates! :smiley:

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This demo really is an intriguing one so far…

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Thanks a lot for the feedback everybody! I really appreciate both the encouragements and the criticisms! :grinning:

I’ve uploaded a fix to the demo for most of the pronoun errors you guys pointed out, and I’m going to take some of the more general feedback, try to incorporate it in the game and push out a new version by the end of the weekend!

Thanks for the encouragement, I hope to keep the story unique and engaging for everybody!

Thanks a lot for the in-depth feedback! I’m definitely going to look at point 1 and point 3 for editing in the draft this weekend. Regarding point 2, since you seem to find it jarring a majority time rather than a minority of the time, it would be really helpful (if you don’t mind of course :stuck_out_tongue: ) if you could point out maybe one or two instance where you think it worked, so I could try to either model the rest of them to follow it or simply cut them out and put them into the text itself.

Hey there, I remember you too! I haven’t made all the changes I promised you yet sorry, :sweat_smile:. But I’ll definitely look to get them incorporated in soon, and hope you enjoy where the story keeps going!

Not blunt at all! Thanks a lot for pointing out so many mistakes that I didn’t catch.

Thanks, I hope you enjoy it too in the future :stuck_out_tongue:

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Ohhhhhh this is I think as far as I know, the first time that I have encountered this kind of premise. A character running away from home? That’s interesting. :laughing: Anyway, good luck to you. Looking forward for your work. :revolving_hearts:

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You’re very welcome! Let’s see, for the alt text that I liked…“The smile stalls” during the scene with Edgar and Adrian was good, it’s punchy and meaningful and highlights a shift in the interaction between the two characters. The “It doesn’t take long” at the tavern was also fine, working as a sort of temporary fade to black as the MC describes stuff we already know. The “You step through the doorway” into the library was also a good transition from one scene to another.

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:revolving_hearts: right back at you :stuck_out_tongue: ! Thanks for taking a look!

Thanks for the feedback! I’ve just uploaded a fix to the demo for the page_break texts, I would love to hear your feedback.

More general updates, I’ve pushed out a rough version of how the end of the prologue might work to give you a little more insight into MC thoughts. At the same time, this will make the scene in chapter 1 where N asks you how you feel a little redundant for choosing your attitude towards the event? I’m not too sure how to approach this, so I’m going to throw out a small poll about that

Chapter1 Scene
  • Leave it as is
  • Remove the choice and instead have the MC react based on the choice in the prologue

0 voters

In MORE related news (sorry guys for the long post :sweat_smile: ) One of my friends pointed out that me refusing to give any worldbuilding can actively exclude some people who enjoy talking and discussing that, something I hadn’t quite realized. With that being said, I’m going to update a lot of the original post tonight once I finish class (Zoom university anyone? :clown_face:) with lore and RO/character details that I’ve planned out.

P.S. does anybody know how to edit my original post? I can’t quite figure out how to do it.

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I think editing opening posts is locked to users of Member level or higher? I’m not sure though. You might be able to contact a mod to update it for you.

For the poll, I’m fine either way really, but I think having two different points where you get to express yourself is fine, especially since they’re in different contexts (how do you react in the moment by yourself, how do you react two weeks later to another person).

Skimming back through real fast, I liked the page_break changes, and the ones that you kept all seemed worthwhile. Thanks for taking the time to do that. :slight_smile:

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Thanks for the input, and I’m able to edit my post now following your suggestions :joy:.

It says his instead of her

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Thanks! Should be fixed now.

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So much attention! I love the details the player can make on the m.c. Thank you author EricClem!

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I like the soft-spoken MC. We don’t seem to get many of those types for some reason.

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Just this first chapter alone makes me feel for the character. Nice job mate.

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Shouldn’t it be “whose”?

Apart from that, it was a good read. The story is well writen and it flow nicely. Keep it up!

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Thanks for the correction! Should be fixed now.

Thank you for checking it out!

I’m hoping to make most of the choices realistic to how people might act in real life. I’m glad you liked those choices!

Thanks :stuck_out_tongue:

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  1. I love the premise
  2. The writing is extremely skillful
  3. I like the unfolding of the mystery (Zorah’s magic et al)

That being said, I feel like you’re rushing this into “print” just a little too soon.

Spend some more time, alone, writing this thing out - letting it grow and breathe. Feel the mystery and the solidity of this world. Give more depth and personality to the NPCs.

Lastly, add in some meaningful choices - so far, all I see are flavor options and customizations. Throw up an obstacle to challenge the MC and let me see how I (as the player/reader) will handle it, all the while learning more about the MC and their world.

There’s a solid gold story here, and you’ve got the writing chops to develop it. Just lock yourself in a room for a few months, and I think you’ll really be glad you did :smiley:

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I agree

When it comes to writing books at least in my opinion one really has to feel like they are actually living in the world or timeline the book takes place in. For example: the main character in the book I am writing lives on a planet mostly like our except with several key differences. 1. Is that instead of nations there are kingdoms each kingdom being a different element.

Another is where the mc is from and how they were raised. Making each kingdom in the book I am writing seem different is a great way to make the reader understand just how different the mc is from everyone else. One kingdom may be ruled by a pacifist while another is ruled by a warmonger. however the problem begins when you have your characters visit to many different places. I personally recommend choosing where you want the story to go, then plan out how the characters will get there. Try and think of it from your characters point of view. If you feel like it is too short than expand it a little, if it gets to the point where you are starting to feel things are repeating themselves shorten it. In the end try and find what you think fits best with your story. There is no one fits all kind of story telling and even if there is. You still have to think about how you want the story to feel.

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