Rewind, Book One: The Demo

[Fay]

@Marceline_Reyes

Lmao! I actually want to give my MC the same height as mine irl,

I’m 5’1 in real life so I usually make my MC’s 5’1. It just feels… right

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

O would gladly pick up shorter persons, trust me. It’s a great way for them to show off, too, lol!

PIGGYBACK RIDES

@Marceline_Reyes

Guess we’ll just have to climb them!

Climb ‘em like a mountain

[Fay]

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

I’m not sure they’ll stay family friendly if you do, though…

[Okami-Nora]

@Fay

MINE IS 5’1 HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KISS?

Mountain climbing, @Fay. Mountain climbing.

[Meira_Litch]

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

Except for those who use and abuse others. For them, AV has no mercy.

This is the type of character I love with all my soul tbh. And this is the type of RO I have been looking for for a long time. Someone who is lovely and kind, but will not hesitate to destroy their enemies.

[Marceline_Reyes]

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

Everyone will have a happy ending, don’t worry

Thank you!

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

You could definitely climb them. I’m not sure they’ll stay family friendly if you do, though…

cough I really don’t mind cough

[Okami-Nora]

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

@Marceline_Reyes

Lmao! I actually want to give my MC the same height as mine irl, which is still shorter than 5’1! Guess we’ll just have to climb them!

Lol! The taller ROs will gladly pick up a short MC, especially O. How else are they supposed to show off? ;p

You could definitely climb them. I’m not sure they’ll stay family friendly if you do, though…

Oblivious, tiny MC: (Climbs tall RO for innocent reasons).

Tall RO: (Debates on whether to keep their innocence intake or not)

@Fay

I’m 5’1 in real life so I usually make my MC’s 5’1. It just feels… right

I like to play MCs with varying heights when available; like to imagine what it like feels like to be a tall person.

So yeah, my MC is a giant because why not?

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

@Meira_Litch

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

Except for those who use and abuse others. For them, AV has no mercy.

This is the type of character I love with all my soul tbh. And this is the type of RO I have been looking for for a long time. Someone who is lovely and kind, but will not hesitate to destroy their enemies.

AV is a chaotic good person. They will not hurt innocents and will only protect and help them, but those who hurt them? Yikes. They’ve been known to completely disintegrate nobles and even just middle class people who are guilty of really horrible shit.

AV is also the owner of multiple homeless shelters, no-kill animal shelters, and low income housing that is actually really good. And they help run many charities, ESPECIALLY in the future.

O and Alain help out a lot once they all get to know each other.

[Meira_Litch]

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

ESPECIALLY in the future.

So, is the future our actual world, or just the future version of theirs?

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

@Meira_Litch

@Cierra_Lawson_Writes

ESPECIALLY in the future.

So, is the future our actual world, or just the future version of theirs?

Future of Aome

[Avid_reader]

I bookmarked this

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

I’m so glad!!! I hope you enjoyed the demo!!!

[Blmc000]

Excellent work thus far, I look forward to it’s completion.

I have located an error:

Summary

There appears to be an inadvertent gender-flip for Avlyne, which causes a redirect to a previous choice body.

[oort]

gosh, this is amazing! thank you so much for making this!

by the way, if you’re still looking for nonbinary testers, i’d definitely be interested.

[naminco]

So, first off, I like what you’ve got going so far. You have a good ratio of asked to answered questions, as in you give the audience enough questions to keep us curious and the right amount of answers so that we’re not completely lost. You’ve given me characters I’m curious about–why is MC’s boss such a jerk? Why is AV so cool despite magicians usually being aloof? How did MC meet their best friend?

Also, I really like Grandpa. He’s a cool dude.

I do have 2 issues, though. First, I feel like the story and narrative are a little clunky. Some scenes move really slowly, and there are some scenes and interactions that I just don’t know what purpose they serve (like the stablemaster guy.) If you want to keep all of them, then that’s your style, but if you’re not super excited about some of them I’d revisit scene by scene and consider whittling down or getting rid of non-utilitarian scenes altogether. If this is just a case of we’re not seeing these things pay off yet because the demo is still so short, that’s fine and ignore this point.

Last, your dialogue does not feel natural. Your characters tend to overexplain something, just use too many words, or speak like they’re giving exposition. Again, this could just be a stylistic choice, but I recommend you say these lines out loud and see if they still sound good to you.

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

@Blmc000

Excellent work thus far, I look forward to it’s completion.

I have located an error:

Summary

There appears to be an inadvertent gender-flip for Avlyne, which causes a redirect to a previous choice body.

Thank you so much!!! I’m glad you’re enjoying it! And thank you for pointing out errors, it seems we’re still finding ones.

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

@oort

gosh, this is amazing! thank you so much for making this!

by the way, if you’re still looking for nonbinary testers, i’d definitely be interested.

Thank you so much!! Thank you for giving me and my demo a chance!!!

We are definitely still looking for non-binary testers! If you have a discord, click the Discord hyperlink in the demo’s description or dm me and I can give you a link to the server!!

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

@naminco

So, first off, I like what you’ve got going so far. You have a good ratio of asked to answered questions, as in you give the audience enough questions to keep us curious and the right amount of answers so that we’re not completely lost. You’ve given me characters I’m curious about–why is MC’s boss such a jerk? Why is AV so cool despite magicians usually being aloof? How did MC meet their best friend?

Also, I really like Grandpa. He’s a cool dude.

I do have 2 issues, though. First, I feel like the story and narrative are a little clunky. Some scenes move really slowly, and there are some scenes and interactions that I just don’t know what purpose they serve (like the stablemaster guy.) If you want to keep all of them, then that’s your style, but if you’re not super excited about some of them I’d revisit scene by scene and consider whittling down or getting rid of non-utilitarian scenes altogether. If this is just a case of we’re not seeing these things pay off yet because the demo is still so short, that’s fine and ignore this point.

Last, your dialogue does not feel natural. Your characters tend to overexplain something, just use too many words, or speak like they’re giving exposition. Again, this could just be a stylistic choice, but I recommend you say these lines out loud and see if they still sound good to you.

Ah, okay, some constructive criticism to go through!! Lets see…

I hadn’t actually thought things were clunky or anything like that, to be honest. Interacting with Mister Cormin, showing what happens in the shop, exploring the town, etc is all to build normalcy and show what the MC normally does! I’m trying to see where you’re coming from, but I’m not sure I do… if I cut so much out, then scenes wouldn’t move from one place to another. I would need to cut out Mariweather, I’d need to cut out a character who has tried to show the MC kindness in light of Gilin’s actions, and I don’t honestly see how that would make anything better. Maybe you could try to explain better, please?

Could you give examples, please? This is hard to see without knowing what you’re referencing. If you could provide 2-4 per issue, it’d be helpful, to be honest.

[Dyselxic]

I lovee the game. Can’t wait for the next updatee.

I did find an inconsistency though. It suddenly switched from Avalon to Avalyne for some reason?

[Cierra_Lawson_Writes]

@Dyselxic

I lovee the game. Can’t wait for the next updatee.

I did find an inconsistency though. It suddenly switched from Avalon to Avalyne for some reason?

I’m so glad you enjoyed it!! I hope you stay tuned on some of our social media so you can see how things are coming along ^^

Yeah, we’re still finding issues like this! I’m not sure why. Which gender did you play?

[Dyselxic]

I initially chose the male version of the RO, but if you mean what gender my character is, she’s female :))

I’ll definitely be watching your social media. Can’t wait to see how this plays out >.<