@Vashnik Oh- whoops. It should be fixed now
Thank you !!
Hey. Great story so far. The characters are very well written and thorough and the premise is stupendous.
Gotta say though, I am really peeved about your constant use of the phrase, āpursed their lips.ā Just like every other paragraph a character is pursing their lips. Pursing is either puckering up for a kiss, or making a somewhat pouty face. Most of the time the situation you are using it for has nothing to do with those expressions.
Honestly, the rest of the story is a cut above most. I just ache so hard when I have to read about someone pursing their lips every single time they enter a new room or anyone says any line ever.
Sounds interesting. I havenāt played the demo yet but your description has one part thatās a bit confusing. Saying you have a sister and she stays a little sister makes it sound like the ālittleā part would be subject to change somehow, not the sister part. It took me a few seconds to realize that you were saying her gender/sex isnāt choosable by the MC.
@Kurvo It kinda felt like I was over-using the phrase- but thank you for pointing it out! Being not a native-English speaker, I simply feelā¦ proud? When having put together a nice looking sentence for the story at first, and then I start over-using the specific phrase or sentence because of that, without noticing it myself. I didnāt have any trouble with it in short stories, but it really does get noticeable in entire books, huh? Guess Iāll try to improve it in the next update.
Thank you for the feedback!
@Shoelip Heh, it was really a while ago when I lastly updated the context of the main postā¦ I guess Itās time to update it. Thank you for pointing it out- I hope youāll like the demo!
The thing Iām looking forward to the most is cooking.
Nice story by the way, Itās on my watchlist! Didnāt finish the update yet, but I will.
Ah. I see. Thatās actually kind of impressive. Most of the story sounds very smooth and clear. I didnāt even think you didnāt speak english as your first language.
Sorry if I came across a little harsh before. Like I said, I did think highly of the story so far. Best of luck.
@Kurvo Oh no, I donāt mind. Itās still a form of feedback and I can use it in the next update. Thank you!
Holy. Crap. How have I missed this for so many months?!? This story is unique and interesting and the characters are well written. I am a fan! Good on ya!!!
@Jender Thank you so much for the nice comment! Iām still surprised to see people actually enjoying this story
Your game left me speechlessā¦ I even bookmarked it I liked the plot and the characters You got me sitting on the edge of my seat literally!
A decent WIP indeed. The plot is stimulating and the characters are lovely. Im fond of sweet Flynn especially.
At first play through, I caught some strange grammars. But I didnāt know English isnāt ur 1st language back then and it isnāt mine either, so I just skipped them
As Kurvo pointed out, āpursed their lips.ā doesnāt match the content sometimes and it did confuse me since I canāt define charactersā feeling.
Whew. Finally made time for myself to read this through, and Iām so glad I did! Unique plot, and quite a cast ā all I could ask for!
I love parallel/alternate universe and that sort stuff, so this is right up my alley. Your interpretation of it is nice. I actually thought it was a mistake at first (because what was going on seemed more like alternate timelines rather than parallel universes), but you explained it later so itās all good!
I like the way you write, too. Itās quite visual. Itās like reading a comic book, and needless to say, I was very engrossed. Also, I absolutely loved the books and authorsā names in the beginning, quite creative!
I havenāt finished the demo (itās longer than I thought! Iām probably 1/3rd of the way through). But Iāll provide more feedback when I read the rest, hereās some for now:
Nitpicking ahead:
Heck, I even watched all the movies and shows about Sherwave Wholmes! I even remember being a kid and trying to imitate the detective, even practicing my skills in deduction and observation.
The word āevenā is used three times in this small bit of text, and it feels strange. My suggestion would be to omit the last even, making it:
Heck, I even watched all the movies and shows about Sherwave Wholmes! I even remember being a kid and trying to imitate the detective, and practicing my skills in deduction and observation.
Since always? Itās ducking delicious!ā
Was this intentional? It doesnāt sound like something someone would say in a normal conversation. Or were you just trying to avoid the f-word?
Side note: Hazel is a heathen for liking pineapple on pizza, but I love her nonetheless.
I can nearly compare it to a game with multiple choices and endings, where the player has multiple destinies.
This is purely subjective, but to me, it felt like breaking the fourth wall. Which in turn, broke my immersion. I understand using it in a comedic game/context, but it didnāt feel right in this case. It might just be me though, so feel free to ignore this.
I frowned at those words, turning around to face the woman and shook my head in surprise, ever so slightly.
āHow do you know my name?ā
ā¦Ashley, I guess, shrugged at my question. She then planted a smug smile on her face, nearly unnoticeable before turning her back on me, watching the outside just like when I didnāt disturb her.
I think this part was meant to be something like she shouldnāt know my name, but she does, and takes pleasure in my discomfort. However, it didnāt have that affect since previously, Lily referred to me by my name more than once in front of her. So of course Ashley would know my name.
I rised my eyebrows at her, trying to stay somewhat expressionless when the visitor pursed her lips together, giving me one last apologetic look before turning around to face her friend. Who groaned. Loudly.
āWe, hopefully, wonāt get to see them ever again so why bothering with apologizing? letās just go!ā
Fay turned around to face her with a slight grimace, shaking her head slowly with a hint of disappointment.
Fay was already facing her friend.
Yes. Those were the words. The couple of simple, small words spoken by my dear paranoid friend, a coward and my roommate; Hazel Park.
Calling Hazel a coward felt very wrong. Itās obvious that she was shaken, but all of us were. Those were some unexpected incidents. Maybe change it to 'ā¦my dear paranoid friend, someone who was scared a minute ago, and my roommate: Hazel Park.?
Also, being the grammar police that I am, I made a list of all the possible typos/errors so far:
Here's the list (kinda long):
Hard to accept things and only care to destroy with their strange inventions, barely compassionate and they donāt have a care for their miserable planet.
I think this part would make more sense if it read They find it hard to accept things andā¦.
They are all exactly identical, all of them, to ours, but they still differ in tons of ways, just ever so slightly!
I think ours should be us, here.
Unfortunately, I was a tat* too oblivious at the moment to notice what the real reason of the disappointment was.
Should be tad.
Taylor was the neighbor daughter.
Should be neighborās.
Either way, Hazel does not seem to like her very much and I canāt blame him.
Pronoun error. Should be her.
ā¦nice pictures of landscapes hanging on the walls and it is just unbelievable cozy in general.
unbelievably
I lowered the phone with a sigh, placing it on the coffee table before giving my friend a disappointment look, who was practically beaming at me.
disappointed
āGuess itās not that badā¦ā I murmured to myself, before setting my unfinished piece down it the box and standing up from my place.
in
wait, were they watching a comedy movie?
The first letter should be capitalised, and shouldnāt they be we, here?
I closed the refrigerator, ignoring the set of various drinks within completely and walked back to the counter, placing my arms onto it and glancing back at my friend, whoās focus was fixed on the television.
whose
āSoā¦ uhmā¦ā I heard my roommate mumble after a while, her mouth occupied while taking a sip of her Pantaā¦
Planta (lol, I love how you creatively avoid using real brand names! :D)
I furrowed by browns, slightly startled by the wink and turned around justā¦
brows
Alright. it is unbelievable comfy here.
unbelievably
My gaze shot back up at my roommate who looked unbelievable desperate,ā¦
unbelievably
Where are you going, all of the sudden?
a
I was readying myself you go outside, taking my coat in my arm and checking my phoneā¦
to
I frowned at my myself, pulling my phone from my pocket and looking down at the date.
I was getting unbelievable forgetful these days.
unbelievably
I turned my head sideways to gaze at my sister and noticed the few snowflakes already settling themselves into the short and mall bangs of her hair, and I smiled softly at it.
small
Yeā¦ Probably," I said silently, feeling a tad too gloomy about the subject right now, which was unbelievable unusual for my little sis.
unbelievably
itās u healthy and just overall not okay.
Itās unhealthy
Hazels parents left this place for her when they left, and my friend and her parents were generous enoughā¦
Though, I managed to escape that Hell when leaving for college and managed to win custody over my little sister when I finally hit 18 and settled into Hazels place.
Hazelās, in both cases.
When did the time fly like that?
the shouldnāt be here.
āLook, I know this looksā¦ very strange,ā the one near Lily said, at a surprisingly calm and soothing toneā¦
in
The woman who stood in front of me, turned away in one fast motion and was now walking towards my little sister. Lily did not even need to call my name in pure terror and I was already following the intruder, raising my candelabra at him but someone else was faster than me.
Pronoun error; him should be her.
I looked up to meet Fays bright blue eyes in surprise.
Fayās
"I know it sounds very silly and strange butā¦ Iām begging you; trust us Either stay inside those doors and donāt come out untilā¦
Should be a full stop after trust us.
I sighed loudly, standing firmly on my place while the two invaders were too busy with fighting amongst themselves,ā¦
in
This is going to sound stupidā¦ but we came from another one of those parallel universe.
universes
The crack was exactly where my reflections head was located, which is currently split in twoā¦
reflectionās
This really needs to be one big camera joke from my Unknown.
āfrom my Unknownāā¦?
It was unbelievable quiet after the entire fiasco from a few minutes earlier.
unbelievably
Those were big, very big do eyes.
doe
āAlright, alright, Iāll be gone now,ā I said in defeat and stood up from my place. Guess I wonāt get anything out of him for now.
Pronoun error; should be her.
For a few seconds, It stayed silent without a single response from the woman, before he actually looked up in slight surprise, gray eyes softening for a mere secondā¦
she
I look back up at my sister, a faint hint of anger boiling up somewhere inside me, nearly unnoticeable bit it was still there.
but
Lily sighed again, cheeks getting red and puffy when looking away and, yet again, rising her shoulders.
raising
I rose my eyebrows in surprise, looking at the woman who was patiently waitingā¦
raised
āYes, I know, It was unbelievable wrong in so many ways butā¦ā
unbelievably
ā¦when one last question sill kept lingering in my mind and I coked my head up, catching the patient gaze of the visitorā¦
cocked
"Those scientist in that parallel universe; they never planned in making the entire deal with the universes into a public attraction.
scientists
I rised my eyebrows at her, trying to stay somewhat expressionless when the visitor pursed her lips together,ā¦
raised
"We, hopefully, wonāt get to see them ever again so why bothering with apologizing?
Should be bother.
I heard the creaks of the old wood from the footsteps of my friend, who slowly and slightly hesitant closed the distance between the few of usā¦
hesitantly
But before I could say something back, I felt Lilies smaller hands, pushing me to the side and staring up at the long intruder.
Lilyās
I look around, gazing over everyones faces.
everyoneās
Bot physically and mentally.
Both
I opened my mouth to respond to that, but Hazel was a tat faster than me.
tad
āWell, are we still going or do yāall want to make a selfie with the moon, too?ā
Should be take.
You can stay behind," I heard another, harsher voice say and coked my head to the side and saw two, tired looking eyes staring back at mine,ā¦
cocked
The bolded letters in this list should be capitalised:
with a slight frown between my eyebrows, I made my way towards the open kitchen and pulled open the refrigeratorā¦
going through the promotional websites?
it was not even 5 minutes after that when I neared Lilyās school and started to notice a bunch of little children and teenagers walking the opposite directionā¦
she smiled brightly, walking with big bounces in her steps towards me.
her happy voice trailed off into a slightly sad one, and I immediately turned back at her in slight worry and caught her gazing the sky.
They are somewhere, out there. a* couple of them even.
you are unhealthy and not okay."
"walk, or youāll get hurt and die in worst case scenarioās blah blah, yea, you told me that a dozen times already.
she had a low, harsh voice that send instant shivers down my spine while the second voiceā¦
^ Also, send should be sent.
the harsh one spoke up, standing right in front of me now.
Come on, Alan!! lock them up in the baaaathroooomm,"
woman blinked a few times, tilting her head to the side and narrowed her eyes down at me.
^ I also think there should be a The in the beginning.
Wait. what?
what have I gotten myself into?
The seconds after that nearly changed into minutes, and I tried to focus on fay, who was still busy with cleaning the floor and destroyed objects.
all kinds of paintings were hanging on the walls, with little wall-lamps between each painting. Everything was made out of stone.
āyour gang?ā Hazel then asked, baffled with raised eyebrows and a teasing smile dancing around her lips.
ālets just get this over with.ā
^ Also, it should be Letās.
fascinating? Thatās strange on too many levels!"
"lets meet back at this crossroad when we are done.
^ Should be Letās, too.
Thatās all for now! I hope you donāt mind long walls of text and endless typohunting, because Iāll be sticking around now, lol. Love this story so far, keep it up!
@Mei_Hiroshi thank you for the nice comment hopefully I wonāt mess this up in the future.
@Hoang_Dieu thank you! And I know, Iām facepalming myself every time when I read āpursed their lipsā when I reread my own story. I fixed a lot of it, along with some other strange sentences and grammar from the first chapter already, but thereās still a lot of it left. Thank you anyway
@soprano Holy damn- alright, thatās a LOT :'D thank you soooo much for taking the time to write all of this. Iāll certainly fix those first before continuing.
I always found parallel universes very interesting so Iām kinda playing around with the concept of it. Though, my head is filled with strange ideas and the story could become confusing if I fail in explaining the circumstances and plot, and my greatest fear lies right there. So Iām happy to read how I was able to explain it later on in the story :ā)
But thank you so much for the feedback!! I REALLY appreciate it!
Iām updating this at work, so this better be worth it. And on my phone, which was a pain in the ass, but I did it!
SO. random update!!
Iāve completed the missing WIP sceneās and added a few new elements; like Taylor in chapter 4, and a title for the first 5 chapters of this story. I also included the start of chapter 5 in this small update, because I simply wanted to test it out with yāall. Itās a big draft, the intro, so everything can change about it.
Though, for now, letās just post it!
Anyhow, hereās a list of things Iāve changed and included into this small update.
-
-request: added more pages and less scroll-time, only into chapter 3 and 4 for now.
-
-the story is now divided into a numerous amount of parts, with each part having itās own titel. Each part will have minimal chapters of 5, so chapter 5 is kinda the ending of the first part of the story!
-
-request: added length options into chapter 2. It doesnāt have any effect on the story itself, for now!
-
-fixed: some grammatical errors in chapter 1 and 2
-
-added the missing WIP scenes in chapter 5, the biggest one being the entire route where you stay at the hotel with F and Lily!
-
-added Taylor into this chapter! Do you think you can find them?
-
-wrote the draft for chapter 5 intro!
Link in the main post because Iām still at work and updating this on my phone is really painful! I hope yāall still like it!
Waitā¦so if we stay back with Flynn and our
sister can we still meet the fourth ro? And love the update, got so excited when I saw your post on Tumblr
@Victoria_Princess_An Hehā¦ the fourth RO is not who you think it is :'D the character you probably mean is Shale, heās aā¦ potential big side character but you cannot romance him. But you get the possibility to meet him at the hotel, too. Simply go downstairs when you can and youāll get the option to follow him if your boldness is 60 or higher! The fourth RO is introduced in the intro of chapter 5.
Thank you
This premise is just so cool and well thought out!
BUT is anyone else SUPER ANNOYED when you make your 1st ātripā (which you dont want to take, but bite the bullet for your sister and bestie) only to be the only person badly hurtā¦then your bestie & sis give you attitude when you want to rest (while you are bleeding) or take the big bed!!! YOU WILL NEVER GET THE BIG BED LILY!!!
Hahahaha! You can tell the characters are well written when you get mad at a fake fight you had w your fake sister Great job!!!
@Jender B-but Lily wanted the big bed :āD Also, you had the chance to jump through that mirror and come out without a single scratch- and you are not bleeding that much ;ā)
Thank you so much for the fun comment
this was amazing to play through! definitely a favorite of mine. keep it up c: