Oh yeah, to everyone that has read the update so far, feedback about the book would be super helpful for me writing the rest of “Twenty-One”. Here are three questions to sorta guide what I’m scoping for.
What parts of the story did you like about the story?
What parts of the story could be improved upon?
What would you like to see more of in this type of story?
I would super appreciate it for those that take the time to answer, as it’ll help me write Chapter 6 B and Chapter 7 as well. Thank you and have a good day!
I think the emotional parts were well managed, you really feel fondness for MC’s brother and also the pain that causes to MC, I think you should keep up just giving parts of the lore instead of an info dump, because it makes the story much more interesting.
There hasn’t been a lot of time to bond with any of the characters, and I get it that’s because MC has been fighting 24/7 since they got there but maybe there could be some moments with the characters too)?
The MC’s rightful body owner’s past, all we got until this point was that they care about Ash and they were stoic, but maybe it would be cool if MC could investigate about them.
So I’m not the greatest at giving feedback or anything of the sort but I hope this helps.
First of all, here's what I enjoyed:
The plot is compeling and makes me intrigued about what will happen next. It’s a good concept and one that I think is well executed. I’m curious to learn more about Ash and the Chosen One, to see what the deal is with the phone and what happened in the bathroom, to learn about the why we were sent to this world and what are remnants and who are the two strangers, or who’s the traitor. So many questions yet to be answered, which imo is a good thing. I like that there’s still a lot we have to discover about this story, it just makes me want to read it more!
The characters are overall handled well and the story managed to make me, as a reader, and me, as the protagonist in the narrative, care and want to know more about them. The dynamic the team has between each other is also well done, making it believable that those characters are in fact a team and not just a bunch of stranges put together. Sometimes authors forgo showing how the characters interact with others, focusing solely instead on their relationship with the protagonist. I’m glad this wasn’t the case cause I enjoyed seeing the team banter and interact amongst themselves just as I liked how they interacted with the protagonist. Anja, Sigma and Uri were good characters and I enjoyed every time I talked with them. The Captain was good and I have no complains about her whatsoever, but can’t say she managed to capture my heart the same way the other three have. Abe was pretty great and written in a way that is lovable. I don’t like being told I like this character or dislike another by the narrative without being given a reason as to why I should feel that way, and in Abe’s case I could clearly see why the MC had their affecting for their brother which in turn made me like him too. And last but not least, Alter Ego, that little bastard. I loved Alter Ego, they are fun and an asshole (in a good way) and I enjoyed interacting with them and how they now see the MC as a sort of protegee which was cute.
The humor. Uh, there’s not much to say about this other than it was my cup of tea and I liked it, which of course was a plus when reading this story.
I liked that the MC has a set backstory and motivations, making them a character in their own right and not a complete blank slate.
Now for what I've liked to see more of:
I think it would be fun if we could get more downtime in between the missions with the main cast. A good example of the sort of thing I would like is the cake scene. I thought it was sweet and helped show that the team cares about their Leader and in return made me care a bit more about them. More scenes in which the characters just interact without being in perilous situations just seems like a good time too tbh. However I completly understand that doing something like that could ruin the pacing of the story. There’s only so much one can accomplish in five days when most of that time is spent killing devils, and there’s only so much fluff one can add to a story before it starts to drag, after all. Well, I guess my point here is that if the story’s pacing isn’t too affected, it would be nice to get to know the team (plus Alter Ego) a bit better.
I hope we get to learn more about the Choosen One and what their whole deal was. Although I presume that’s already a plan for future chapters. Either way, thought relevant to mention that that is one of the things I’m looking forward to seeing.
Other suggestions/observations:
I think I’ve noticed a small continuity error. So in the first chapter when the player get’s off their room and has to find the meeting room, we can go left or right. I don’t remember what I picked but I ended up at Sigma’s door and ended up talking to him and all that. Then, when we get to the meeting there’s a choice for us to pick where to sit and I choose to sit next to him as he was the only character I had interacted with so far so it kinda made sense that the MC would pick to sit there. Anyways, when I did sit next to him, he seemed to act as if that was the first time in the day that we’d met even though we had just talked a couple of minutes ago.
This is a very small nitpick, and by far something I take issue with or anything like that, just a suggestion by someone who’s really bad at naming characters. It would be nice to be given a small selection of names to pick when we look at the Chosen Ones name and codename. Just like two or three names there plus the option to input your own for players who have something in mind. Personally I like to select the names the author gives as they seem to end up better fitting the world setting, especielly if it’s not set in modern times with no fantastical elements.
I’m not a native speaker so this next few things may be just a me problem and not an actual problem at all (I can’t seem to post pictures so I’ll need to just quote the text instead, sorry for the inconvenience):
→ “However, you stare at the mirror.” This is when the protag first looks at a mirror in the Chosen One’s body. The use of the ‘however’ at the beginning of the sentence confused me a bit. I presume it was to signify just how shocked the character was and how they kinda just stood there standing looking at themselves. I don’t know how to explain it better, but its use in the sentence felt a bit odd and confusing to me. “You stare at the mirror in utter confusion” or something along these lines would make the sentence sound a bit better in my opinion.
→ “Alieved at the idea that you didn’t waste…” Using alieved here feels a little odd. I think the word is used correctly, however, I’ve never seen it being used like this instead of using the word “relieved”.
(Again I must reiterate that I’m not a native speaker so all I’m saying here may just be me not understanding english well, so take these suggestions with a grain of salt.)
Some small typos I've found:
“Caitlyn looks refine as usual.” → Should be “looks refined”.
“Nope, you think it’sa false alarm?” → There’s a space missing between “it’sa”.
I hope I haven’t come across as rude or anything, as it really is not my intention. Once again I hope this helps. Also, thank you so much for taking the time to write and share this story. I can’t wait to play Uri’s part of chapter six and see where next the story will go :)) .
Oooo I see, yes for number 1 of your reply I’m glad that worked out. I didn’t want to give an exposition dump of the world and let the MC gradually find out. Happy that it’s very apparent. For number 2, I’ll try to fit some bond time in the story without jarring the pacing. I think I have some ideas. And for the last one, we shall find out soon enough : ] Thank you for taking the time to write feedback, I will keep this in mind when I edit and write future chapters!
I found your feedback very helpful! The typo catches and the continuity error will definitely be fixed in the next update. I will also try to incorporate more bonding events without botching the pacing, that’ll take some thinking. Thank you for pointing that out! As for the other feedback you’ve given, I’m very happy that you appreciate the characters, and I’m very happy that you also enjoyed Abe’s character. Your feedback has given me a clearer road of how I should approach my future chapters and edits. Also, you weren’t rude with this feedback if you were afraid of coming across as rude, I liked reading through it and found it quite constructive. Thank you so much again for taking the time write this, and I hope you have a wonderful day!
After taking a small break from writing after updating the story and recovering from being sick, I have come to several conclusions about how I want to approach the story and future updates. Ideally, I would like to have Thursday’s and Friday’s Content done by May 27th, the first year anniversary of “Twenty-One”, but that’s more of a loose deadline for me (Realistically, it’ll probably take much much longer). Without further ado here are the planned road parts for the following days in the story.
Tuesday’s Content [Chapters 3 & 4]
New Bonding event with the cast
Wednesday’s Content [Chapters 5 & 6]
Uri’s Route
Thursday’s Content [Chapters 7 & 8]
Quest with Ash [Under certain conditions from Wednesday]
Quest with Uri [Under certain conditions from Wednesday]
Quest with Yourself [Under certain conditions from Wednesday]
Team bonding event [2 variants]
Battle Against Marfak
Two possible secret outcomes at the end of Chapter 8
Friday’s Content [Chapters 9 & 10]
Secret A
Secret B
Bond events
Battle against Caph
Possible outcomes of Chapter 10’s titles: Survived?, Ego Death, Chosen One
Note: Casual RO’s will be introduced throughout the story. If you don’t want to go for anything too serious, there will be another set of more casual romance options. This means they will not have much development as the others, but if the MC wants some sparks with their time in this world, they can go for it.
For now, that’s all I have to share with what’s coming up with the story. I came to the conclusion for me personally that a two-chapter update didn’t really feel substantial, so I’d rather give a gigantic update for the readers. Honestly, I’m surprised with how I stuck with this project after Chapter 2. It was pretty discouraging how slowly I wrote, but then I gradually gained momentum and learned to ease off the perfectionist mindset while writing “Twenty-One.”
Writing this story taught me a lot about making IF games and it’s exciting that this story is merely a prologue to a character in my Remnant-verse which has been already 8+ years established. The MC is crucial to the long-time saga. I already have ideas for future installments for the MC, but I don’t want to say much. I just have to worry about finishing this story. For now, thanks for reading this. I’ll try my best to zip up and focus on writing. Have a good day!
This is the first time I write something here and on the forum as well. But changing the subject hehehe.
I wanted to leave my thanks, and say how much I loved every bit I read.
Her story is fantastic, every bit of the plot. It made me want to read more and more. The characters are endearing in their own way, I didn’t find the RO’s relationship to be too forced. Since they think we are still the real chosen one.
One of my favorite characters so far hahaha, it’s definitely Alter Ego. Man, I felt so sorry for him, knowing that the original chosen one just treated him like an object and nothing more.
I was shocked by his sudden change, but I can’t deny that I liked him from the beginning. In chapter five I managed to understand the change, I also don’t remember very well because my memory is a bit flawed… but there is a choice that makes the feeling of appreciation he has in the MC very specific.
it sure made me understand a little more about them, I don’t want anything bad to happen. But there’s no telling until then.
I thank you deeply, it is a great pleasure to read such a good story!.. I will follow it to the end for sure and torture myself to the end with anxiety.
And I’m sorry for any misspelled words, my English is rust.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m really happy that you liked the characters and Alter Ego. I didn’t realize Alter Ego would be so likable by the audience, but I’m happy that people did end up liking the character.
Thank you again for reading my story, I hope you can appreciate and read the future installments when they’re ready!
I have some news about my current progress with Remnant: Twenty-One. I am around 90% done with Chapter 6B. The word count is around 24k which by the end, it should be around the same as Chapter 6A when I’m done. However, I don’t plan to release Chapter 6B once I’m done. I want to finish at least Chapter 7 and Chapter 8.
The roadblock I will run into is most likely writing Chapter 7. Because did you know that if you write two branching paths where a significant story character can die, this can lead to four various outcomes that have a huge impact? Yeah, I didn’t realize how much work it’ll take, so hopefully writing the four variations of the aftermath of Wednesday’s content turns out well.
Also, I still need to add new bond scenes to Tuesday’s content. I keep taking a break every time I finish a chapter, so I end up forgetting about MC’s suffering, so when I come back I just end up throwing them into the fire pit again. Oops. MC definitely needs a break.
The goal for the next update will still be May 27th, which is the anniversary of this story. Thank you for taking the time to read this and have a great day! The projected update will most likely exceed 50k words, but that’s more content for everyone!
So i just played the demo all over again for like the 7th time but yea i love the humour in the story and just like all the fights are so fun and the character interactions as well.
Thank you! I’m really happy that enjoyed the story and thank you so much for reading it! It’s nice that you liked the fight scenes because it was a lot of work for me to write haha! (Good to know it paid off ) Hopefully, you enjoy the massive update that will come in the future!
I’m finally done with Chapter 6B which now totals around 30k words! This concludes Wednesday’s Content to finally be done. Now, the goal is to write Chapters 7 A, B, C, and D which looking at it now is going to be a big task, but I’ll try my best to complete it by the deadline. I will also try my best to finish Chapter 8 within this month.
I would like to ask new readers to not read Remnant: Twenty-One until the update comes, I think it would be better to read it in one go. That being said, I might remove/disable the link on May 5th until the update comes out. Although, I’m not sure if that’s allowed so if any mods are reading this please clarify.
Anyway, hopefully, I can reach the deadline by the due date. It should be fine because Chapter 7 shouldn’t have any action sequences, just a cooldown period from all that has happened since Wednesday. They generally take the longest to write. As always, thank you for reading this, and hope you have a great day!
Okay, I may have some bad news. Most likely Thursday’s Content will not be finished by May 27th which I apologize for hyping up the date so much. Basically, I was riding off the high of finishing Chapter 6B and overestimated how much I could write within the small time frame. Not only that, life stuff came in the way all of a sudden. In hindsight, that was pretty foolish of me to assume such a high goal.
Though I could technically ‘finish’ Thursday’s content by the expected deadline, after doing more specific outlines of each chapter, things would be super rushed and half baked which I don’t want you all to go through. On average, in a chapter where the MC isn’t fighting a Devil aka the cooldown chapter, the word count is generally around 13k words. However, since there are four possible outcomes from Wednesday’s content (the person to choose and if a certain character lives or dies), that would be multiplied by 4 which gives me around 52k words to write. That doesn’t even include chapter 8. We’re looking at a word count above 70k words for Thursday’s content. I highly doubt with my current abilities I would be able to deliver a quality story if I tried to jam it in within 27 days.
HOWEVER, there is a silver lining to this. I’m planning to release Chapter 6B this week! So at least that will act as some sort of buffer in between these delays. This should conclude Wednesday’s content for both paths. Hopefully, Thursday’s content will be finished within this upcoming summer. Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this and have a wonderful day.
The long-awaited Chapter 6B is here! Wednesday content has been released on a Wednesday! In this chapter, you can go with Uri and help him on his mission! The word count for this is about 30k words which is a bit more than Sigma’s route. Sorry, Sigma. Other than that, I have nothing to say. I hope you enjoy it and as always feedback of what you liked about the chapter and what you would like to see more of is always appreciated. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to add any more bond events so the rollercoaster continues. Thank you for reading this.
The one thing I’m more curious to hear about is reactions to death scenes from either path if that ends up happening. I would like to know how readers felt when a certain character died at the end of the path. Please wrap them in spoilers if you are discussing it though. That’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading!
Hmm, I highly doubt I’m the only one to make an Isekai choice script game, it would be more shocking if I was the only one. As it for being a game changer, it could or could not be . I did my best to create a story I would enjoy the most, which doesn’t always coincide with being popular. Although, I do hope you enjoy reading it, thanks for checking the story out!
Now that I think about it, I can’t really think of a published game either :0 However, I’m sure there has to be at least one. Like just statistically speaking
Haha yes the Japanese Isekai or the Korean Regressor genres are not that common in Western media while it is spammed to death in the Japanese and Korean markets haha
Any isekai influences in particular do you have? I’d say Mushoku Tensei is the best Isekai anime for sure
Hmm, I’ve only seen bits and pieces of Mushoku Tensei, but given what I saw so far, I did like how it delved into the psychology of what it would be like to be in a new world and that the main character there still had problems from his original world affect him still.
I think for me the major isekai influence would be Re:Zero. I liked the psychology of the characters in the world. Although it’s not perfect, the world-building and villains also captured me. I enjoyed watching a very under-powered MC push through everything (physically and mentally).
I haven’t seen that many other isekais or anime in general. But you’re very correct about the over-saturation of it. That’s mostly why I haven’t watched any in fear of being severely disappointed. Which is a shame because I think the premise where a character is sent to another world should lead to a bunch of possibilities, but it’s always the same But yeah, I hope that answers your question
Also, there are some other isekai WIPs I could point you toward. I haven’t read them yet, but there’s “Kingdoms and Empires” by FatedFlame and “The Wars We Wage” by mah_sanogo
Oh yeah I remember ReZero, that was the 2016 anime of the year for sure, a classic and I think the anime that basically pushed the Isekai genre onto the mainstream.
Also thanks for the suggestions for other WIPs, can’t wait to check it out. I can’t find a proper game thats on the level of TWC or FH xD
) Hopefully, you enjoy the massive update that will come in the future!
But yeah, I hope that answers your question 