Oh yeah, to everyone that has read the update so far, feedback about the book would be super helpful for me writing the rest of “Twenty-One”. Here are three questions to sorta guide what I’m scoping for.
What parts of the story did you like about the story?
What parts of the story could be improved upon?
What would you like to see more of in this type of story?
I would super appreciate it for those that take the time to answer, as it’ll help me write Chapter 6 B and Chapter 7 as well. Thank you and have a good day!
I think the emotional parts were well managed, you really feel fondness for MC’s brother and also the pain that causes to MC, I think you should keep up just giving parts of the lore instead of an info dump, because it makes the story much more interesting.
There hasn’t been a lot of time to bond with any of the characters, and I get it that’s because MC has been fighting 24/7 since they got there but maybe there could be some moments with the characters too)?
The MC’s rightful body owner’s past, all we got until this point was that they care about Ash and they were stoic, but maybe it would be cool if MC could investigate about them.
So I’m not the greatest at giving feedback or anything of the sort but I hope this helps.
First of all, here's what I enjoyed:
The plot is compeling and makes me intrigued about what will happen next. It’s a good concept and one that I think is well executed. I’m curious to learn more about Ash and the Chosen One, to see what the deal is with the phone and what happened in the bathroom, to learn about the why we were sent to this world and what are remnants and who are the two strangers, or who’s the traitor. So many questions yet to be answered, which imo is a good thing. I like that there’s still a lot we have to discover about this story, it just makes me want to read it more!
The characters are overall handled well and the story managed to make me, as a reader, and me, as the protagonist in the narrative, care and want to know more about them. The dynamic the team has between each other is also well done, making it believable that those characters are in fact a team and not just a bunch of stranges put together. Sometimes authors forgo showing how the characters interact with others, focusing solely instead on their relationship with the protagonist. I’m glad this wasn’t the case cause I enjoyed seeing the team banter and interact amongst themselves just as I liked how they interacted with the protagonist. Anja, Sigma and Uri were good characters and I enjoyed every time I talked with them. The Captain was good and I have no complains about her whatsoever, but can’t say she managed to capture my heart the same way the other three have. Abe was pretty great and written in a way that is lovable. I don’t like being told I like this character or dislike another by the narrative without being given a reason as to why I should feel that way, and in Abe’s case I could clearly see why the MC had their affecting for their brother which in turn made me like him too. And last but not least, Alter Ego, that little bastard. I loved Alter Ego, they are fun and an asshole (in a good way) and I enjoyed interacting with them and how they now see the MC as a sort of protegee which was cute.
The humor. Uh, there’s not much to say about this other than it was my cup of tea and I liked it, which of course was a plus when reading this story.
I liked that the MC has a set backstory and motivations, making them a character in their own right and not a complete blank slate.
Now for what I've liked to see more of:
I think it would be fun if we could get more downtime in between the missions with the main cast. A good example of the sort of thing I would like is the cake scene. I thought it was sweet and helped show that the team cares about their Leader and in return made me care a bit more about them. More scenes in which the characters just interact without being in perilous situations just seems like a good time too tbh. However I completly understand that doing something like that could ruin the pacing of the story. There’s only so much one can accomplish in five days when most of that time is spent killing devils, and there’s only so much fluff one can add to a story before it starts to drag, after all. Well, I guess my point here is that if the story’s pacing isn’t too affected, it would be nice to get to know the team (plus Alter Ego) a bit better.
I hope we get to learn more about the Choosen One and what their whole deal was. Although I presume that’s already a plan for future chapters. Either way, thought relevant to mention that that is one of the things I’m looking forward to seeing.
I think I’ve noticed a small continuity error. So in the first chapter when the player get’s off their room and has to find the meeting room, we can go left or right. I don’t remember what I picked but I ended up at Sigma’s door and ended up talking to him and all that. Then, when we get to the meeting there’s a choice for us to pick where to sit and I choose to sit next to him as he was the only character I had interacted with so far so it kinda made sense that the MC would pick to sit there. Anyways, when I did sit next to him, he seemed to act as if that was the first time in the day that we’d met even though we had just talked a couple of minutes ago.
This is a very small nitpick, and by far something I take issue with or anything like that, just a suggestion by someone who’s really bad at naming characters. It would be nice to be given a small selection of names to pick when we look at the Chosen Ones name and codename. Just like two or three names there plus the option to input your own for players who have something in mind. Personally I like to select the names the author gives as they seem to end up better fitting the world setting, especielly if it’s not set in modern times with no fantastical elements.
I’m not a native speaker so this next few things may be just a me problem and not an actual problem at all (I can’t seem to post pictures so I’ll need to just quote the text instead, sorry for the inconvenience):
→ “However, you stare at the mirror.” This is when the protag first looks at a mirror in the Chosen One’s body. The use of the ‘however’ at the beginning of the sentence confused me a bit. I presume it was to signify just how shocked the character was and how they kinda just stood there standing looking at themselves. I don’t know how to explain it better, but its use in the sentence felt a bit odd and confusing to me. “You stare at the mirror in utter confusion” or something along these lines would make the sentence sound a bit better in my opinion.
→ “Alieved at the idea that you didn’t waste…” Using alieved here feels a little odd. I think the word is used correctly, however, I’ve never seen it being used like this instead of using the word “relieved”.
(Again I must reiterate that I’m not a native speaker so all I’m saying here may just be me not understanding english well, so take these suggestions with a grain of salt.)
Some small typos I've found:
“Caitlyn looks refine as usual.” → Should be “looks refined”.
“Nope, you think it’sa false alarm?” → There’s a space missing between “it’sa”.
I hope I haven’t come across as rude or anything, as it really is not my intention. Once again I hope this helps. Also, thank you so much for taking the time to write and share this story. I can’t wait to play Uri’s part of chapter six and see where next the story will go :)) .
Oooo I see, yes for number 1 of your reply I’m glad that worked out. I didn’t want to give an exposition dump of the world and let the MC gradually find out. Happy that it’s very apparent. For number 2, I’ll try to fit some bond time in the story without jarring the pacing. I think I have some ideas. And for the last one, we shall find out soon enough : ] Thank you for taking the time to write feedback, I will keep this in mind when I edit and write future chapters!
I found your feedback very helpful! The typo catches and the continuity error will definitely be fixed in the next update. I will also try to incorporate more bonding events without botching the pacing, that’ll take some thinking. Thank you for pointing that out! As for the other feedback you’ve given, I’m very happy that you appreciate the characters, and I’m very happy that you also enjoyed Abe’s character. Your feedback has given me a clearer road of how I should approach my future chapters and edits. Also, you weren’t rude with this feedback if you were afraid of coming across as rude, I liked reading through it and found it quite constructive. Thank you so much again for taking the time write this, and I hope you have a wonderful day!
After taking a small break from writing after updating the story and recovering from being sick, I have come to several conclusions about how I want to approach the story and future updates. Ideally, I would like to have Thursday’s and Friday’s Content done by May 27th, the first year anniversary of “Twenty-One”, but that’s more of a loose deadline for me (Realistically, it’ll probably take much much longer). Without further ado here are the planned road parts for the following days in the story.
Tuesday’s Content [Chapters 3 & 4]
New Bonding event with the cast
Wednesday’s Content [Chapters 5 & 6]
Thursday’s Content [Chapters 7 & 8]
Quest with Ash [Under certain conditions from Wednesday]
Quest with Uri [Under certain conditions from Wednesday]
Quest with Yourself [Under certain conditions from Wednesday]
Team bonding event [2 variants]
Battle Against Marfak
Two possible secret outcomes at the end of Chapter 8
Friday’s Content [Chapters 9 & 10]
Battle against Caph
Possible outcomes of Chapter 10’s titles: Survived?, Ego Death, Chosen One
Note: Casual RO’s will be introduced throughout the story. If you don’t want to go for anything too serious, there will be another set of more casual romance options. This means they will not have much development as the others, but if the MC wants some sparks with their time in this world, they can go for it.
For now, that’s all I have to share with what’s coming up with the story. I came to the conclusion for me personally that a two-chapter update didn’t really feel substantial, so I’d rather give a gigantic update for the readers. Honestly, I’m surprised with how I stuck with this project after Chapter 2. It was pretty discouraging how slowly I wrote, but then I gradually gained momentum and learned to ease off the perfectionist mindset while writing “Twenty-One.”
Writing this story taught me a lot about making IF games and it’s exciting that this story is merely a prologue to a character in my Remnant-verse which has been already 8+ years established. The MC is crucial to the long-time saga. I already have ideas for future installments for the MC, but I don’t want to say much. I just have to worry about finishing this story. For now, thanks for reading this. I’ll try my best to zip up and focus on writing. Have a good day!
This is the first time I write something here and on the forum as well. But changing the subject hehehe.
I wanted to leave my thanks, and say how much I loved every bit I read.
Her story is fantastic, every bit of the plot. It made me want to read more and more. The characters are endearing in their own way, I didn’t find the RO’s relationship to be too forced. Since they think we are still the real chosen one.
One of my favorite characters so far hahaha, it’s definitely Alter Ego. Man, I felt so sorry for him, knowing that the original chosen one just treated him like an object and nothing more.
I was shocked by his sudden change, but I can’t deny that I liked him from the beginning. In chapter five I managed to understand the change, I also don’t remember very well because my memory is a bit flawed… but there is a choice that makes the feeling of appreciation he has in the MC very specific.
it sure made me understand a little more about them, I don’t want anything bad to happen. But there’s no telling until then.
I thank you deeply, it is a great pleasure to read such a good story!.. I will follow it to the end for sure and torture myself to the end with anxiety.
And I’m sorry for any misspelled words, my English is rust.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m really happy that you liked the characters and Alter Ego. I didn’t realize Alter Ego would be so likable by the audience, but I’m happy that people did end up liking the character.
Thank you again for reading my story, I hope you can appreciate and read the future installments when they’re ready!