REMEMBER, YOU WILL DIE [wip, updated 05.07.2021]

I really enjoyed the demo and can’t wait to see what comes next!

Some things I noticed:

Summary

Because of a save space you allow them to have - Maybe you meant to write safe space

I don’t have to remind you that if you fail to fullfill another job - Fulfill

Also, I probably missed it, but I don’t think it was ever explained why the mc needs glasses when they’re outside.

Lastly, is there another link to the tumblr? Unfortunately, the one on top doesn’t lead me anywhere.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say for right now! The demo has me hooked and I can’t wait for more :relaxed:!

thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it <3

I’ll fix the typos as soon as I can, thanks for pointing then out :slight_smile:

here is the link to the blog!

To the point about the sunglasses: I’m quite sure I mentioned that everyone around you wears them due to the lights of the city, but I’ll go back and look if I didn’t include that and only left it in my notes :smiley:

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so, I’ve finally managed to complete chapter two! the overall word count changes from roughly 10k to around 21k without code. average walkthrough is around 17k. I think I ended up rewriting the beginning of the chapter 4 times and I’m semi-happy, so if you have any comments or tips for improvements (in case it’s boring) let me know!! I’ll definitely go back to write a little more to the entire dante/delilah scene in the next few days.

this update includes

  • completed stats screen
  • fixed typos and missing stat changes
  • you’ll interact more with almost all characters/romance options
  • you’ll get to choose your style AND your fake ID!!! pls someone tell me they get it
  • some more terrible smart-ass comments you’ll get to choose!

NEW CONTENT WARNINGS : graphic violence (depending on your stats), needles and suicide are mentioned

UPDATED DEMO

let me know about any typos , grammatical issues , coding issues, feelings on the fight scene or simply overall concerns or comments you have!

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I found some bugs!

Edit:Another one!

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thank u v much! I fixed them all <3

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Oh no! :joy: It’s a very persistent bug

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AaaaaaaAah it makes me happy to see a new update!! I’m a little bit late but… yeah!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Soo… the killing part okokokok alright! I got it! No problem! :muscle:
And then D! D went to mc’s house only once but already lives in my mind rent free~ Such a charming character… Or at least that’s how they look!
Also fake Id Ripley??! Uhmm?? YES?! THANKS!! :sunglasses:

Some typos from ch2

-missing "
"You got stabbed on the way home? How nice, how original. She scoffs, rolling her dark eyes exasperated.

-the uninvited you’re
She rolls her eyes. “I’m not that forgetful, no matter how many you’re old jokes you have stored in your peanut brain.”

-missing c in announces
It’s a fast, noisy and simply breathtakingly beautiful sports car that announes itself by the way the engine purrs.

-aliens!
“E. Ripley. Warrant officer. Pretty new to the job. Let’s hope no aleins try to kill you.”

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At first, I kinda don’t want to read this. But then I give it a try and… I love it :sob:
I really love the sarcasm choices haha
Can’t wait for the next update, good work​:clap::raised_hands:

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thank u!!! I’m very glad u decided to give it a try <3

@Kyumm thanks so much for pointing out those typos! I’ll remove them with the next update :smiley: I’m also very happy u like Dante/Delilah <3

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Found this on tumblr, but I’ve gotta mention it again that I adore the mc in this one. They’re such a chaotic mess, imperfect but capable. It’s very refreshing to read and play as (and I can already tell the angst will be so juicy with D if we choose them as a past partner)

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Wow I really love the world building, I can really feel the grime which is great. Prolly going to draw my MC and Jax and I love the name Sol idk why it’s nice!

I also really really love how you can be a snarky asshole and the humor is on point too!

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holy shit please, i need mc to be able to continue calling jax, jaxxie purely to piss him off bc they can. my mc would do so until the day she dies and if her antagonizing leads to him attempting to kick her ass, she’ll gladly return the ass kicking tenfold.

2 Likes

chapter three is here! after a massive amount of time, which I’m very sorry about. I’ve read through the entire demo a couple of times as well and noticed some things I’m not very happy about so I’ll be changing some things in the near future, but I’ll get to that when I’m done witht them! this chapter is a little shorter than I wanted it to be and bumps up the demo from 21k words to 30k without code since I had to cut a couple of things that’ll become relevant again in the next chapter.

this chapter includes

  • ogling jax some more! and annoying him to no end!
  • meeting royal for the first time (the majesty has arrived!!!)
  • trying to save your ass from getting kicked by orla
  • and visiting a brothel for Reasons

UPDATED DEMO

54 Likes

:joy: :rofl: :joy: :rofl: :joy: YES- I SHALL!!! :joy:

new update!

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The dancer looking for something to bandage your wound AFTER removing the knife is a bit dumb to put it politely, and our hero would’ve been bleeding a lot more than what you described once it was removed.

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Got an error after meeting the prostitute, something like “seven line 1619 invalid indent”.

thanks! It’s been fixed :slight_smile:

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Hello! :heart: Just wanted to tell you that I love your game. It seems like it has great potential! But I didn’t get how the MC’s powers work exactly)? Do they have great stamina)? Anyway, take care!

Hello! I found your story on Tumblr the other day and I must say that I’m completely hooked. The world building is good, the pace is good as well and I absolutely LOVE the three ROs that you’ve introduced so far. Specially Jax and after reading that car scene I can’t get him out of my head because whoa dude that’s so badass. Looking forward to the next updates.

I did find a few typos though and some grammatical mistakes.

typos and other things that I think should be fixed


*announces
*atop his nose

*jail cell.
Or you could use prison cell. I personally think prison cell sounds better.

*doing here?
Screenshot_20210516-223311_Chrome
*lifelike
*detailed hair
*spider’s
*straighten (which I forgot to mark)
*fear that they’ll
*turn (the police is a plural common noun)

*from

*stab wound
*not to move

*barely moving

*hint as to why

*the police

So this one isn’t grammatically incorrect, but it looks a bit weird. I think ‘risk taking’ sounds better.

other stuff

Umm so I think that some of your phrases are just too big to be a single sentence. It’s uncomfortable to read. You could split those into a few sentences. For example this one.


Another thing is that you use the word ‘gonna’ a lot. But it’s a spoken word, not necessarily used in written English. I think you could use ‘going to’ in the place of ‘gonna’.

That’s all. I didn’t play all the options and English is actually my second language so many things may have escaped my notice. But overall I love your story. Keep it up.

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thank u so much for pointing out the mistakes!!! english is also not my first language which is why I’m glad when ppl point out the mistakes I make. I’ll fix them in the next few days!

thanks for the compliments as well! I’m happy that u like the characters and story sm <3

1 Like