P.E.A.C.E. - A WIP Sci-Fi Crime Story

[Saracenar]

Welcome! Demo link at bottom of post.

The year is 2068. You have been selected to participate in the Special Detective Induction Program at the newly formed Protocol Enforcement and Corrections Enterprise, aka P.E.A.C.E.

Join a class of nine adults in their mid-twenties and learn to investigate crime scenes, canvass witnesses, chase down suspects, and perhaps most importantly of all, restore the public’s faith in a criminal justice system that has failed them.

Travel to the capital: New Lendar, a city undergoing great change following a flood of wealth thanks to an earth-shattering recent discovery. Not everyone is happy about the metamorphasis the city is experiencing though.

Establish meaningful relationships with your peers and become entangled in their stories - help them grow and change - for better or worse - or leave their destinies in their hands and see how things play out.

Investigate your way - follow the data, or follow your gut. Talk things out, or watch from afar. Tell the truth, or say whatever you need to get what you want.

Be who you want to be - play as male, female, or non-binary; gay or straight. Choose your educational background, hometown, clothing, accessories and how you spend your free time.

Will you and your new peers restore the public’s faith in law enforcement? Will you even graduate from the program…or survive it?

After a long hiatus from writing, I have returned, and have been feverishly working on a retooled concept of something I started a long, long time ago, and I’ve reached the point where I’d like to put something out there and get some feedback!

There are a few things I’ve still got to figure out with this demo - namely stats, and a game within the gamebook called Dual. These are subject to change.

Please let me know what you think - of the setting, the characters, the customisation options, the stats, my writing style - any aspect that you think is worth mentioning - and if you have any questions I’d be more than happy to answer them!

I have more of the story written but I am only releasing this first part to begin with. I hope to be able to release periodic updates as I go, but I want to give myself a bit of slack to work with in case of roadblocks.

You can find the demo here: P.E.A.C.E. Demo

[Harley_Robin_Evans]

Sounds interesting

[Queen_Zelda]

I really enjoyed the wip, it was a little dry at first but the first case was fun who are the RO’s? Do we get always the same teammates (I think a team is with one or two partners) or different ones? I really liked that I can have parents who are both in the police force
I’m looking forward to more

[Clover667]

This was interesting! I really like the training investigation, and I also appreciate that my character’s coffee cup didn’t vanish into the ether when they left the bus. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

Potential Edits

Not many so far! I did see that “forty” was misspelled when we were told how long the training exercise would take.

Also–and this is totally subjective–if it’s expected that the average reader will be on mobile, it would increase readability to have more paragraph breaks.

[Saracenar]

@Harley_Robin_Evans

Sounds interesting

Thank you! Would you mind elaborating on what part(s) of it you find interesting? I’d love to hear more from you.

@Queen_Zelda

I really enjoyed the wip, it was a little dry at first but the first case was fun

Thank you too! I did have some concerns about that - would you care to elaborate on where you felt it wasn’t quite grabbing you?

@Queen_Zelda

who are the RO’s?

At this stage I’m planning for all eight of the main characters to be ROs, but I might end up scaling that back if I find it too much to handle for my first book.

@Queen_Zelda

Do we get always the same teammates (I think a team is with one or two partners) or different ones?

Yes, you’ll always get the same teammates in that particular scene. I did originally have plans for multiple configurations but I scaled it back so that I could move on from what in the grand scheme of things is not a huge story point. In the parts that immediately follow this one you’ll be able to choose to spend time with the other characters if you are interested in them.

@Queen_Zelda

I really liked that I can have parents who are both in the police force
I’m looking forward to more

I’m really glad to hear it!

@Clover667

This was interesting! I really like the training investigation, and I also appreciate that my character’s coffee cup didn’t vanish into the ether when they left the bus. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

Thank you! That helps to spur me on. Haha, it’s the little details that can make or break a story sometimes!

I also appreciate your input on the potential edits - I’ve corrected the spelling error and will look at inserting some more page breaks - I think I know where you’re referring to.

[valence]

I love the setting and did multiple runs to explore more of it! Your city feels grounded and well-considered as the backdrop to a detective/investigative story. Moving through it in the cab was an enjoyable introduction, and I liked the pacing on how the choices in that section were spread out. I especially appreciate that you introduced the ticking clock mechanic early.

However, the story feels a little reluctant to engage with its plot. While well-written, detailed, and realistic, many choices feel that they are delaying forward action without providing a mechanical bump to stats or an emotional beat to flesh out the characters.

This is especially true in dialogue, where NPCs give very short or generic replies spread out over multiple screens. While this is a technically realistic style of conversation, it feels a bit unsatisfying in a detective story about discovering information and uncovering character motives. Some of the MC’s introductory choices and opinions fit so naturally into these moments, that I found myself surprised when they weren’t mentioned.

I thought all of the early choices (what to wear, opinions on the architecture/game, choice of hometown) were all well-presented and thematically smart details to include. Your setting and investigation-mechanics fit very well together and left me wanting to play more when the demo ended.

Screenshot of a small error

Got a repetitive piece of dialogue during the case investigation sequence where Whitney repeats a line about striking Jessica from the list of suspects. Not sure what triggered it, but I chose to focus on collaboration and crunching the data in that play-through. (I really like having the option to choose how cooperative the MC is, and the case was fun to untangle!)

[Saracenar]

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback!

Am I understanding correctly that you feel like some choices, like what to say to someone, are too small/inconsequential and followed too soon by another similiar choice that it’s slowing things down too much without affecting anything like your stats or knowledge of the characters/setting?

And also, that you’d like to see more relevance given to the decisions you made about your background?

Thanks for pointing out that error, I’ve located it and corrected it.

[valence]

@Saracenar

some choices, like what to say to someone, are too small/inconsequential and followed too soon by another similiar choice that it’s slowing things down

Mostly second part of this. I didn’t feel that the choices themselves were too small or even that they were inconsequential in theory, but the way that the game moved on from them - or didn’t let them move the needle on character/ability development - made several choices seem like they were passing by too fast to merit their inclusion. If that makes sense.

Some in-depth examples, if you want

For instance: there’s a moment when you reach the PEACE building where the MC can choose between admiring the architecture or calling it a waste of money. Then, if mentioning the view to the group inside, two NPCs also exchange some parallel remarks on the building’s style. It feels like a very natural place for a follow up on the player’s previous choice, but the MC offers no further comment and the conversation immediately moves on.

This wouldn’t be out of place if the game specifies why the MC isn’t saying anything, or offers the player an additional choice to mention/not mention it that boosts or lowers some social/collaborative stat, but there’s no opportunity to do anything besides change the subject or leave.

As another example from the same scene, if talking to Simon about cybercrime and technology, it seems like a natural place for the MC’s chosen attitude about the Dual game to come back up. Again, though, the conversation remains very noncommittal on the part of both the MC and the NPC beyond a few details about Simon - several of which are covered later during the assignment section anyway.

While this kind of reticence wouldn’t be out of place for one or maybe two of the NPCs - or even an MC with a more reserved personality - the game offers no insight into why so many conversational choices don’t include what feel like the logical connections to choices made earlier.

Again, this isn’t a problem with what you have written per se. The flow of the story is clear and the prose is neatly executed. But it does feel like the game is both moving too fast - in that topics are raised and then immediately dropped - and simultaneously too slow - in that there are a large number of interactions that don’t seem to change anything. I want to be clear that I think your writing is very good. That’s why it felt like a surprise that the game seemed to be passing up on so many chances for deeper developments.

[Saracenar]

@valence

Mostly second part of this. I didn’t feel that the choices themselves were too small or even that they were inconsequential in theory, but the way that the game moved on from them - or didn’t let them move the needle on character/ability development - made several choices seem like they were passing by too fast to merit their inclusion. If that makes sense.

Thank you for explaining, I get what you’re saying. I really appreciate you calling out specific examples, that is very helpful.

So I think the easy solution for me to implement to begin with is to add in more lines and callbacks related to your choices about your background and opinions made earlier - I will do that.

In general so far I have strayed from putting words in the MC’s mouth, evidently event when those words could be reasonably assumed based on past choices. I’ll only do this when the dialogue is pretty neutral, because the MC is at the moment very much a blank slate. Perhaps I have gone too far in that direction, and like you suggest, I can at least assume the MC’s opinion hasn’t changed from one scene to the next and therefore they could automatically say something that conforms with their earlier choice.

Thanks for the kind words about my writing. I am open to any and all feedback, as I want this to be as good as it can be, so please keep it coming.

[JBento]

INVESTIGATION?!?!?!?!?!

Click here!

Storyteller mode implemented? I love you.

“indiscernible”

So, like, at this point I don’t know what a “link” is. I suggest adding a bit after this sentence to clarify it more, something like “[…] back to reality, the little all-purpose device on your wrist demanding your attention with a ping.” or whatever (the idea I get from this page is that it’s something akin to Shadowrun’s commlink?). Also, in the next paragraph, it’s “cacophony”.

Ah, I see the link is described further ahead. I still feel like there should be some minor hint, at least, when it’s first introduced.

“receptacle”

“cues”. A queue is a line of people.

HAH, he’s the White Rabbit! Hi, White Rabbit, I’m apparently Alice.

Aw, I don’t get to guess White Rabbit? Did I need a specific stat for it or something? Time to reload and say I don’t know who he is.

“leads”

Sooooo… if at the start of the game out shuttle being on time is described as “promising” regarding the program, what should THIS shuttle be described as? XD

Ok, so, between 7 other trainees and four instructors, I can already tell we’re going to have a decently-sized main cast, and that’s even if nobody from other walks makes it in. As someone who absolutely sucks at names, any chance of a Who’s Who entry in the stats screen? I also suggest that clicking the Stats button sends the player straight to the Personal Stats page, instead of requiring an additional click, as that page is likely to be referenced to a lot.

Hmm, I’m by no means a expert on Japan, but both Nakagawa and Kagami struck me as last names, so I googled and this appears to be the case, with Eiji being a first name and Sakai going either way. But you have “Kagami Sakai” and “Eiji Nakagawa”, which suggests that the surnames are either Kagami and Eiji OR Sakai and Nakagawa. Am I supposed to be inferring something about the characters from the order they speak their names?

I tested a couple of the hobbies and their effect on stats. “Training at the Gym” SAYS it increases Strength, Endurance, and Agility, but Agility doesn’t actually go up in the stats menu. Also, some hobbies don’t seem to increase any stats at all. Unless they give some other advantage, I’d counsel against this, as it makes it so there’s clearly “wrong” choices in character customisation, which, eehhhhh. Either way, you need to doublecheck this bit to see why some stats that the game says are increasing are, in fact, not. I’d manually check every option, if I were you, to make sure they’re all working as intended stat-wise.

Oh, there IS a who’s who (which has Sam Logan listed as “Samanthan Logan”, btw). It doesn’t tell you who they are though. Or at least not yet? Maybe I just need to unlock that information by playing further.

MURDERRRRRRR!!!

Oh god, I’m grouped with an EXTREME EXTROVERT!!!

Garrido doesn’t actually say anything to me about the whodunit folder. Logan does.

Oh shit, the casework is fun. I look forward to more sleuthing!

I’m liking this, and if there’s a critique I have to make is that in some customisation options, certain choices increase stats while others do not, meaning there’s bad options and good options. Also, if you could find it in your heart to make it so the “visible stats” mode also shows in choices what they will increase and/or test before you pick them, I’d love it even more.

[Saracenar]

Wow, loving the detailed feedback and the reactions to particular parts! Thank you!

I really appreciate everything you have pointed out. Surprisingly more spelling mistakes than I’d have expected - I will get them all fixed up tonight.

Addressing your spoilery(?) points

@JBento

So, like, at this point I don’t know what a “link” is. I suggest adding a bit after this sentence to clarify it more, something like “[…] back to reality, the little all-purpose device on your wrist demanding your attention with a ping.” or whatever (the idea I get from this page is that it’s something akin to Shadowrun’s commlink?).

Great point about the link, that bit was a late edit long after I’d gotten used to the concept. I will fix that to remove the mention of the link so it doesn’t raise questions before the concept is explained a little later.

@JBento

Aw, I don’t get to guess White Rabbit? Did I need a specific stat for it or something? Time to reload and say I don’t know who he is.

There is no way for you to actually know who it is at that point in time. I could just collapse that choice so that it doesn’t cause confusion. Do you think that’s worth doing?

@JBento

Hmm, I’m by no means a expert on Japan, but both Nakagawa and Kagami struck me as last names, so I googled and this appears to be the case, with Eiji being a first name and Sakai going either way. But you have “Kagami Sakai” and “Eiji Nakagawa”, which suggests that the surnames are either Kagami and Eiji OR Sakai and Nakagawa. Am I supposed to be inferring something about the characters from the order they speak their names?

Great question. So Eiji and Kagami are their first names, and in Japanese culture it is correct to call others primarily by their surnames, with first names used mainly in intimate relationships.

My setting is intended to be very multi-cultural. It is based on a particular country (bonus points if you can guess which), but not Japan. I did make the conscious decision that all characters would go by their first names regardless of their cultural background, but not because people are being forced to, just that it’s what people do in this fictional country in this time period. Now I wonder if that will cause confusion though…happy to get more of your thoughts on this.

@JBento

I tested a couple of the hobbies and their effect on stats. “Training at the Gym” SAYS it increases Strength, Endurance, and Agility, but Agility doesn’t actually go up in the stats menu. Also, some hobbies don’t seem to increase any stats at all. Unless they give some other advantage, I’d counsel against this, as it makes it so there’s clearly “wrong” choices in character customisation, which, eehhhhh. Either way, you need to doublecheck this bit to see why some stats that the game says are increasing are, in fact, not. I’d manually check every option, if I were you, to make sure they’re all working as intended stat-wise.

It’s true that the hobbies have different impacts on your stats, and that they aren’t balanced against each other. As you have noted, some do not have an effect on your stats at all. At this stage, I’m not too worried about there being “right” and “wrong” decisions. Not all choices will be balanced, but I don’t intend to lock scenes behind maximum stat values so I don’t think it should be an issue. I am thinking that I’ll include some unique scenes for each hobby, so even if they don’t change your stats, they’ll do something for you. Happy to hear more of your thoughts on this, whether you agree/disagree.

Looks like there might be a bug with my stat increase subroutine, I’ll check it out.

@JBento

Ok, so, between 7 other trainees and four instructors, I can already tell we’re going to have a decently-sized main cast, and that’s even if nobody from other walks makes it in. As someone who absolutely sucks at names, any chance of a Who’s Who entry in the stats screen? I also suggest that clicking the Stats button sends the player straight to the Personal Stats page, instead of requiring an additional click, as that page is likely to be referenced to a lot.

So in the Relationship Stats section of the stats page, there will be pages for individual characters displaying information about them - however, currently that doesn’t include an explanation of who they are.

I can either add in a Who’s Who page, or put a little blurb about each character with some basic information in their individual pages. What do you think would work better?

There are in fact still a few more characters to be introduced. I hope the cast isn’t too big…

@JBento

I’m liking this, and if there’s a critique I have to make is that in some customisation options, certain choices increase stats while others do not, meaning there’s bad options and good options. Also, if you could find it in your heart to make it so the “visible stats” mode also shows in choices what they will increase and/or test before you pick them, I’d love it even more.

Thank you! I’ll see about making the stat changes visible on the choices, won’t be a super high priority for now though, unless lots of people bring it up.

[JBento]

@Saracenar

There is no way for you to actually know who it is at that point in time.

If there’s no way to at least make an educated guess, I do indeed think it’d be better if instead of a “I know”/“I don’t know” choice there were different flavours of “I don’t know”. The possibility to choose “I know” suggests, to me at least, that either there was a combination of choices up to this point that would have let me know who he is, that it’s a stat check, that I’ll be given a series of options from which I could pick the right one, or some other method that would result in the MC actually knowing who they are.

@Saracenar

Now I wonder if that will cause confusion though…happy to get more of your thoughts on this.

Like I said, I’m by no means an expert on Japan - I just googled “is kagami a last name” and most results indicated “yes” XD. Probably can be both, like Sakai. Most people (i.e., people who are not paranoid bastards like me XD) will probably take it at face value, so I think you’re peachy.

@Saracenar

they’ll do something for you. Happy to hear more of your thoughts on this, whether you agree/disagree.

If they all do something, or if stats aren’t all that important, I think you’re fine. For example, the recently released Leas: City of the Sun has choices that are just worse than others, stats-wise, but since the game doesn’t care all that much about stats, it’s no biggie.

@Saracenar

I can either add in a Who’s Who page, or put a little blurb about each character with some basic information in their individual pages. What do you think would work better?

Blurb, unhesitantingly. You want to people to spend their time in your game playing the game, not having to reference multiple pages in the stats menu for info about a single character. Like, Logan’s can just say “Instructor of X. Likes tennis. Friendly. Smiles a lot.” or something like that. Just something so characters don’t have just names as their unique identifier.

@Saracenar

I hope the cast isn’t too big…

The two hurdles with a large cast are, generally speaking, people getting characters mixed up (hence the blurb thing, so you can tell which character is which) and interactions getting spread around so thin that people don’t get to know the characters well enough.

[Saracenar]

I’ve addressed all your feedback and updated the demo - this includes adding a little blurb for each character - hope they help!

@JBento

The two hurdles with a large cast are, generally speaking, people getting characters mixed up (hence the blurb thing, so you can tell which character is which) and interactions getting spread around so thin that people don’t get to know the characters well enough.

My goal with this story is to create interesting, relatable, appealing characters who grow and change over the course of the story, so I’ll be working hard to make sure individuals aren’t lost in the crowd.

[LiliArch]

One thing that can easily cause confusion with a large cast is if their names look too similar (which names are too similar may also depend on the reader’s culture).

[Saracenar]

I think I should be alright here. My variable naming convention requires that no two characters have first and last names starting with the same letters i.e. Gabi Ngaio existing means there can’t be another character whose initials are G.N. Couple that with the variety of cultures I am taking names from, and they should all be pretty distinct from one another - I hope.

[ChanceOfFire]

Ok, some thoughts.

I liked having stat change notifications.

Maybe your starting item could give you stat changes?

For the stat screen, it might be easier to have inventory items and relationships on the same page as your personal stats. Flipping through pages in the stat screen isn’t fun. I suggest keeping definitions and settings on other pages, but having the others on one main page.

Twelve weeks seems pretty short for a course to train highly-skilled detectives, especially considering that candidates have varying levels of experience. Some kind of bridging courses will likely be required too.

“Oh, and…” she adds, leaning forward suspensfully, “you have forty minutes, starting now!”

Starting with the murder assignment is a good way to get my interest running.

“So next was the Coroner’s Report…” Simon continues. “The victim was stabbed twice - once in his side and then again in his chest during a short struggle. These wounds were the cause of death, and he is estimated to have died around 2:30am after the party. The messy wounds suggest the murderer was inexperienced - it was probably his first time.” - You eliminated one suspect too early.

How did Bryan Poppovic survive the poisoning? Potassium Cynaide can be lethal, yet he was still strong enough to leave the house without assistance. If the murderer just wanted to remove him from the scene, he could have used something less potent.

If a suspect was planning to use the window for an escape or re-entry, it would also be worth asking the layout of the house and how someone could access the window from outside. I think it’s mentioned to be upstairs.

The unknown fouth individual is speculated to be either Jessica Fong or Leila Small, based on their discernable features.

Good luck.