Alright! So, as promised, here’s the next bit!
Should be “horsemen”
Passive voice here. Active voice would be: “Grabbing Orion by the scruff ad hauling him backwards…” or “He grabbed Orion by the scruff and hauled him backwards…”
Take out “was”
Comma before “even”
I think there’s supposed to be an extra paragraph break between these two? (Just going off of how the rest of it is written.)
^^ Same here.
This one might just be me, but I think the phrasing is a little confusing here. Maybe change it to “opposite the way the bounty hunters had gone” or “the opposite of the way the bounty hunters had gone”
Either add a comma before “or” or change it to “With the curving of the road, he spotted a town. Or rather, a cluster of…”
This is probably also a purely stylistic thing, but I’m wondering if, perhaps, it might work better if you switched the first two paragraphs there. Have the description first (also, I think that “tables in chair” is supposed to be “tables and chairs”?), and then follow it up with the man’s reaction- leading into the “Get out.” line which might make it stand out even more?
Take out the second “and” and replace it with a comma after “hand”
I might add “away” after “coins” (or after “swiping” would work too)- at first I thought he was taking Evander’s coins and then refusing him.
Which, y’know, would be pretty harsh as well.
The second bit feels like a sudden turn in character- like all of a sudden he’s offering advice when he’d just wanted Evander out beforehand. I think an easy fix to this would just make “It’s not worth it.” into “It’s not worth it, anyway.” (So he’s kinda conceding as well, and not just offering advice?? If that makes any sense at all.)
Either that or have Evander respond in some manner that prompts the man to reply with “it’s not worth it…” line.
Comma before “and”
I believe this is supposed to be “voices”?
Should be “he was on his feet”
You use “a moment” twice in one sentence, I think you can it out the second time around and just leave it as “A moment ticked by, silence falling, …”
Add in a “would” after “one”
Comma after “closer”
Alright! So! I think you did really well in this chapter setting up how runaways are received in this world. My main piece of advice here would be to add more descriptions- about the inn and, especially as Evander is hiding in the barn waiting to see if he’s caught.
You have a very concise style and it works well, I’ve noticed that people with that kind of style work especially well when writing more action/conversation based scenes because they have a good feel for faster flowing moments. (Would you say you like writing those kinda scenes?)
However, it can really make your fast-pace-style shine when you learn to slow down at points of waiting or high tension. The contrast will show off your skill in the faster scenes and the slower bits can help draw the reader into the scene more. Or- in the case of the barn scene- raise tension.
This can be especially useful in the moments before a fight (or in this case, flight) scene because it builds tension and lets it hang there for a moment before everything… explodes.
Like if it were a movie, the descriptors would be the moment of silence before the fight starts. One famous cinematic example of this is in Jurassic Park’s Kitchen Scene, and you can see how every time, before something happens, it’s mostly quiet and still. It’s that same effect that adding more descriptions before an action scene can create in writing.
So, yeah! there’s my feedback for Chapter 2!
So after having read the rest of the chapter I’m getting the sense that this is not Evander you’re talking about here. This was a little confusing and made even more so as its not clear up until after the end of the chapter, when you see him (the new narrator/focused character) watching the fight go on.
Maybe include some indicator that we’re looking at someone new? (It could be as easy as replacing “him” with some descriptor- i.e. the boy with ____ hair" and putting in that A) he sees Orion (who I figure he might notice anyway since it’s often pointed to how Orion doesn’t look like your average dog) and/or B) a description of Luna (i.e. a dapple grey horse), all of which can easily cue the reader in that we’re looking at someone new.)
I know someone had pointed it out before, but this scene is very “tell don’t show” when I think a “show don’t tell” might work better. You could have him remembering his encounter and his debate of whether or not to join the group, and use that to explain why he doesn’t want to be a part of a group before eventually coming to the conclusion to not have joined them.
Should be “shivered”
Change “groaned” to either “he groaned” or “groaning”
Two things: One- should be “he recalled”
Two- I feel like there should be some pause between him thinking about trying the inn and recalling his first attempt. Either a comma or an ellipse, either would work but it would signal that moment of stopping to think back.
This is another instance that I think would be really cool with just a bit more showing. Especially since it has my interest piqued- Instead of saying that he knows what it means, maybe have him recall how he learned to recognize the signs? Who taught him? How does he know? A memory or description of some sort would not only be a good show-instead-of-tell for what the symbol means but also provide some insight into his past.
Missing the end quotation mark here.
Missing paragraph break?
I think you mean “reins” here.
So this is exactly what I meant when you have a fast-style that does really well with more conversation/action based scenes. Because it really felt like you fell into stride here with the confrontation between Evander and Aldwyn. You kept the tension up, the conversation flowed, and it felt really well paced.
Plus, you even had some of what I’d pointed out in the other chapter- descriptors before the action- when you described the town at night and snow fall… It was that quiet contrasted with the change in atmosphere when Aldwyn emerged that made the confrontation an especially strong scene because it stood out more, and the reader is able to have a clearer image in their head of what the surroundings are within which this is all happening.
So, yeah! That’s all I’ve got time for right now, but I hope it helped out some!