Opinion on novel series (non-interactive)

low-fantasy

#1

Hi all!
I’m new to the site, and making this post as both a hello, and an offer/opportunity for you guys. I’m an amateur novelist, and I hope that alone doesn’t scare you away, but I’d really like some feedback, or just general chats about some of my work. I know it isn’t the interactive stuff you’re used to, but I’d appreciate anyone giving it a shot.

If you’re giving feedback, you’re welcome to say positive and negative things! I’m up for everything as long as it’s constructive.
I’m also just willing to chat with people if you don’t want to be super formal (not that feedback has to be either)!
Anyway, I have a link below, and I appreciate the read!

Quick notes:
The novel is of a more fantasy nature, and does contain many LGBT+ characters, and themes of equality, so if you, for some reason, have an issue with that, please stay away.
This book below is one of three.
Thanks!
-Em


Opinion on an amateur novel (Book 2 of the series)
Opinion on an amateur novel (Book 2 of the series)
#2

I think the general age of the imprisoned one should be established early on.

There’s prison, chains, doors, bars… but this does not mesh well with “A boy uncovers the secrets of the largest military organization in his world” in my mind because I don’t want to read about juveniles in prison.

The title of the introduction can be good, about the end at the beginning, but if so, you could start off with something like “I never expected to spend my 25th (or whatever) birthday in prison.”

This establishes the character’s age as well as the setting.
It also shows us a hint of “yeah, I probably shouldn’t have done whatever it was I did to get here” which makes the reader want to read more to find out what those events were.


#3

Thanks for the reply!
I can add the age in there for sure.
I appreciate the feedback! The rest of the novel is up there if you’d want to check it out.


#4

I’ve only read a bit so far, but it seems that there are places where the dialogue awkward.

-His eyes went to the bowl, but his hands stayed stuck in his lap. “Are we east? It’s not cold enough to be east.”

East of what? People don’t usually say just east when they mean “the east” or “east of wherever” or “the eastern wing”

Watch for missing commas:
-Daniel cleared his throat. “I’m not doing this for you actually.” (Should be a comma before actually)

You use a lot of dialogue tags, like quipped, or breathed, and so on, and while some of them are evocative, the sheer number–that is, at practically every line of dialogue, is really distracting.

You introduce an interesting situation and an interesting character dynamic right in the prologue, but then you go to a scene from a long time ago, with new characters I don’t care about yet, and another mysterious danger. In this way, you both lose the dramatic tension you built up in the first part, and tire out the reader by building up a new danger without a moment of catharsis.

When you start a new chapter, use the character’s name. Pronouns need antecedents, and a chapter break is far enough that it doesn’t connect any more. Actually, using more names instead of pronouns is a good idea in the prologue as well, since it’s not always clear who’s acting.

There’s a lot of telling. Evander sees but doesn’t join another group of runaways, but this is just treated as a throwaway line, while seeing the scene where he, I dunno, watches them for a while, undergoes internal struggle, ultimately goes off on his own instead, could better show the reader his characterization.

That being said, I do think this story has a lot of potential. I’ll make more notes as I get further in.


#5

Hi there!
I appreciate the feedback!
The only thing I have an argument for is the “east” thing, and it is pretty intentional it’s said that way.
Otherwise, thank you for everything you’ve said, and I’ll look into changing some things.


#6

Besides being a high intrigue fantasy novel, are there any subplots, like coming of age or romance? Really interesting so far!!


#7

Yeah, of course!
I’m glad you’re liking it though!


#9

To anyone reading, the second novel can be posted if you read through the first one! Feel free to let me know if anyone reaches that point!

Also, if anyone would like to take a look at some art people have done of the characters, I’ll be posting links occasionally! For now, just the first few from the beginning of the book.


#10

I’m moving through your story slowly as I have the time to read, but first of all- congratulations on writing the entire thing! (I always find finishing the first draft is the hardest bit, but perhaps that’s just me.)

I haven’t gone all the way through it yet, but I figured I’d go ahead and start giving some of my feedback to you as I work my way through.

For some spelling/grammatical feedback:
I think you’re missing an “at”, as in “at the very least”. (Though, I’m not sure the ‘at’ is necessary? I looked it up and it seems like it is so I’m putting it up here but if I’m wrong then you have my apologies.)

The second sentence should end in a question mark as well.

I think it’s supposed to be “do that for me”? (Take out the first “me”)

One quick question regarding the ‘east’ bit. I, personally, don’t entirely see a problem with referring to it just as ‘east’ or ‘the east’… but since the characters seem to refer to it as a specific place instead of a direction, perhaps it should be capitalized throughout? That way it would be distinguished as referring to something more specific and, also, would separate it from its directional equivalent, so it would be clear to the reader the difference in not only placement but importance between “East” and “east”.

Should be an “and” between “him” and “forced”.

I suppose this is more stylistic than grammatical, but since you use “air” twice in the same sentence it might be stronger if you took out the second iteration. (i.e. “He could feel the rippe in the air, the frustration that was puffed out with every short breath from Daniel.”)

Also a stylistic note, but it might flow better if you changed “Another time,” to “Once more,” (‘Another time’, to me, just sounds like the kind of phrasing used to segway from one story to another- i.e. one that happened ‘at another time’.)

Also, I think you could take out “it was dropped then,” as that’s implied by hearing the soup spill on the floor. (Just take out the period at the end of the previous sentence and put the “, kicked aside as…” in its place)

Similarly, “and the key was turned in the lock” is passive voice, if you want to change it to active voice you might want to replace the “and” with a comma and rephrase it “turning the key in (the/its) lock.”

Two little things. First of all- I think you’re missing a paragraph break between ‘Daniel said nothing’ and ‘“It never did,” Aurora croaked’.

Second of all- I at first though Daniel was the one originally speaking since it was located right after his action of locking the cell back up, so when it mentioned him saying nothing I was caught a little off guard. Maybe move the ‘Aurora croaked’ up to the first speech? Or otherwise indicate Aurora doing something like glaring at him or standing or some other movement/marker to signify a shift in focus.


I’ll put a li’l final thoughts chapter by chapter here since I’m not entirely sure how much time I have to write this up:

Your prologue sets up a very interesting premise, I think. It’s certainly doing a good job of hooking the reader in since you’ve got an intriguing character dynamic going on between Aurora and Daniel, especially since you give enough context to understand that they were, at one point, on the same time and that Daniel may have betrayed Aurora (or at least in the latter’s eyes as such), but you haven’t played your hand too early and given away too much that the reader knows everything, so you make them want to find out.

I will say that there were some brief points (such as the one I pointed out above with who was speaking) where I felt a little bit like I had to go back and figure out who was doing what/who they talking about, which messed up the flow now and then. I think this was mainly a bi-product of something @hallofmirrors mentioned in that you use a lot of dialogue tags, but then go to none at all for lengthy periods of time. Perhaps if you talked more about the motion of the characters or their expressions to fill in not only who’s about to speak but also gesturing to what/who they’re speaking about that might clear it up some.

One thing I am really enjoying though, and does help with the above, too, is that you seem to have a strong grasp of who your characters are. (Does that sound weird? I probably phrased that weird.)

What I mean is that your characters stand out from each other, they appear to talk and react and move in different ways which can really help out when figuring out who is speaking if there’s no other textual clues. You’re also establishing their personalities well with the reader knowing little about the characters, which is really good since it makes the reader care for the ones you’ve introduced. It also makes them seem more like real people which is always a good sign.

My last piece of advice for this chapter is to add more description about the surroundings. We know Aurora is in some kind of cell or prison, but you focus a lot more on the two characters interacting than them reacting to their surroundings. Example- the mention that its not cold enough to be east. Well, what is the temperature then? Is it musky, or dusty? Damp? Dry? Humid? These are all really good contextual clues to include because they can give the reader a more solid sense of being that draws them into the story more. Is the cell cramped? Or is there room to move around (if he could)? Is it noisy or silent? If there’s noise, is it because there are other prisoners? Or is he alone? (If so then is it from rats or bugs?) Not only can this provide a more visceral, physical feeling of where the reader and your characters are, but can also be used to flesh out your characters even more through how they react to these things. (Take the bug idea- does Aurora react to the bugs? Does Daniel? Or if he’s alone- how does being solitary affect Aurora? Or if its loud with other prisoners- are the presence of others a comfort or a nuisance?)

But, yeah! All in all, I very much enjoyed your prologue, it got me curious to see what it is that happens next!


Speaking of next, however, it looks like I’m out of time to jot down my notes. I found one last thing though in the start of chapter one:

I think that’s supposed to be “than anything”?

Other than that, I’ll put down some more (probably tomorrow) that I find.

Good luck!


#11

Wow thank you so much!!
This is a lot and I really appreciate the careful read through and other feedback you’ve given me! This means a lot to me, and I’m fixing the mistakes you pointed out as you went. Once again, thank you very much, and I’m glad you’re enjoying so far!

As for the comment about the east, I’ve been debating back and forth about capitalizing it or not. For their world, going east is pretty significant, and it really has become more of a place of it’s own than just a general direction. I hope that makes sense.

Also I very much appreciated your comment about knowing my characters, and I’ve put a lot of work into that. I’m glad it shows, and your explanation made perfect sense to me!


#12

Anytime! Glad I can be of some help!

It does. In the end, it’s your decision and I think it can work either way. The capitalization might just add to that sense of importance/differentiate it from the general direction, but I don’t think it’ll do a lot when you take into account that the specialization of the east is probably more fleshed out later on and it’s not entirely necessary.

Phew! I’m glad I made sense for once! :smile:

But, yeah, the work definitely pays off. So, nice job!


Anyway, I said I’d go into Chapter 1 today, so here it is! (Minus the one I pointed out yesterday)

Two commas- one after “well over Evander”, and another after “see him so restless”.

Also, there should be a conjunction after the comma and before “the sight of Silas”. (Perhaps: “so”)

That middle sentence there strikes me as a little out of place. It mentions that Silas is never afraid but then immediately doubles back on that statement… but then doubles back on it again saying that there seemed to be nothing to terrify him at that point in time. I would recommend either cutting it out or rewriting it so that the reader understands why Evander at first thought that Silas was never afraid- and then give some pause as he starts to recall some event that would key us into why that isn’t true.

This mention feels like a larger part of their characters, that the fact that Silas has been taking care of them both after something happened probably has a lot to do with how they interact/view each other/etc. Yet it’s introduced in a very casual manner (just a sentence at the end of a paragraph).

Maybe go into more detail here? Instead of just telling the reader this fact show some memory or minor indication of it?

Since you’re building up to reveal later on in the chapter of why they were left on their own then perhaps even introduce some foreshadowing here? Hint at what happened by mentioning how Silas has taken over as caretaker?

Came back home from what, exactly? The previous paragraph gave the idea that Silas was the caretaker, i.e. was around- had he been gone for a while? Where was he? Some mention of his leaving before might serve well for this part. (Maybe even use that to tie in the above critique- mention something about Evander having grown used to dealing with trouble on his own after Silas left for X, or such.)

After reading the rest of this chapter, I realize it’s explained later on, but I still think it might be best if you put in some hint that he wasn’t always around beforehand.

I think two words are missing here, do you mean to say “just what a legend it is”, and also “just what lay over it had made for itself”?

Comma after “a knife”

Either add a “he” after “certainly”, or change it to “but he was certainly no expert.”

This is probably just a bit of the rider in me slipping out and has nothing to do with grammar- but usually when talking about a horses color you’d just say “ruddy gelding’s neck”, “ruddy colored” (kinda like how you’d say ‘grey horse’ instead of ‘grey colored horse’) sounds a little awkward to me.

But that might just be me. :sweat_smile:

I’m fairly certain you might mean “night air”.

Comma after ‘sleep’

Comma after ‘eat’

Comma or period after ‘jammed’


Alright! I’ll do the same final thoughts before I go kinda thing:

I enjoyed this chapter as well! Your characters continue to be a strength of yours as you keep their voices and actions separate from each other, with their own distinct personalities.

I will agree that the change felt a little jarring at first (from the prologue to thirteen years prior)… So perhaps finding some way to smooth the transition in time over a little more might work well? (Even if you just moved the moment when it’s revealed that this is the past to a little later, allowing the reader to settle in with these new characters first before cueing them into the fact that this takes place before the prologue.)

Other than that, however, I very much enjoyed the tension you built up here and the situation you’ve put the reader in. I pointed out a few places where some explanation/hinting might be necessary so that the facts aren’t just presented but led into, but other than that I think you do a good job of leading into an idea of what is going on and why Evander has to go on the run.

So… yeah! That’s all for this chapter! Hope it helps out some!

Good luck!


#13

Once again, thank you very much! I really appreciate how much you leave for me to go through. It helps me a whole lot!
I’ve gone through and made some edits to the story based on what was suggested.

I think I’ll be going back, and adding some more details to smooth some of this chapter out. I agree that the transition can be a bit jarring, especially for someone who is approaching the story for the first time! I’ll definitely work on that.

I’m so glad you’re enjoying it though, and I appreciate everything you’ve said about character voices and aspects being different. This has been immensely helpful to me, and also lifts my spirits a little. I have some major personally insecurities, so hearing feedback of any sort helps me get a more realistic grasp, but I’m also very glad for positive feedback too. ^^


#14

Don’t mention it! I’m happy to help out and even happier that it’s actually helping some.

Also, sorry for the lack of feedback today- I got some food poisoning which is never fun- but I read through some more chapters so I’ll put up some actual notes tomorrow and (hopefully) will be able to do more than just one chapter! So, that’s always good!

I was thinking about it since I feel like I didn’t actually offer any real helpful advice on that bit today and, perhaps, the reason it might feel so jarring is because you hadn’t set it up as a measurement of time progression beforehand, so it felt a little strange.

A suggestion might be to introduce some measurement of time in the prologue so that the transition is expected and doesn’t jar the reader at all. (It could be dates, if you have a specific year/timeline, or it could be centered around some important event. I.e. [number]__ Days/Months/Years Before/After [event]_. Then the reader can work out for themself that it’s jumped thirteen years back, but the measurement has already been established so it might help some?? Food for thought.)

I am definitely enjoying it! I have a weak spot for fantasy because I’m always curious to see what new directions the author will take it in, and so a lot of them can be really very interesting! (And, y’know, including this one!)

I’m also happy if any of this has been somewhat helpful to you. Like I said, I like this story, I’m interested to see where it goes and so I figure if there’s any way at all I can help out some, I’ll do what I can. (As for the insecurities- I’m always the same way with anything I write, extraordinarily insecure. One piece of advice I was given that I always remember, though, is this- You are your harshest critic. You see the most mistakes because you’re the one who’s been staring at it for hours on end. You see mistakes that aren’t there and you can grow blind to some of its best aspects. But just remember- you are your harshest critic, which is both a blessing and a curse. Let that push you to be better than you thought you could be, but never, ever let it stop you from trying because you don’t think you’ll be good enough.)

So… yeah! Not sure how much help that is but… I don’t know, words of wisdom? They’ve helped me, so why not pass them on, yeah?

Anyway, like I said, I’ll put up some more notes on the next chapter(s) tomorrow.

As always, good luck!


#15

Alright! So, as promised, here’s the next bit!

Should be “horsemen”

Passive voice here. Active voice would be: “Grabbing Orion by the scruff ad hauling him backwards…” or “He grabbed Orion by the scruff and hauled him backwards…”

Take out “was”

Comma before “even”

I think there’s supposed to be an extra paragraph break between these two? (Just going off of how the rest of it is written.)

^^ Same here.

This one might just be me, but I think the phrasing is a little confusing here. Maybe change it to “opposite the way the bounty hunters had gone” or “the opposite of the way the bounty hunters had gone”

Either add a comma before “or” or change it to “With the curving of the road, he spotted a town. Or rather, a cluster of…”

This is probably also a purely stylistic thing, but I’m wondering if, perhaps, it might work better if you switched the first two paragraphs there. Have the description first (also, I think that “tables in chair” is supposed to be “tables and chairs”?), and then follow it up with the man’s reaction- leading into the “Get out.” line which might make it stand out even more?

Take out the second “and” and replace it with a comma after “hand”

I might add “away” after “coins” (or after “swiping” would work too)- at first I thought he was taking Evander’s coins and then refusing him.

Which, y’know, would be pretty harsh as well. :sweat_smile:

The second bit feels like a sudden turn in character- like all of a sudden he’s offering advice when he’d just wanted Evander out beforehand. I think an easy fix to this would just make “It’s not worth it.” into “It’s not worth it, anyway.” (So he’s kinda conceding as well, and not just offering advice?? If that makes any sense at all.)

Either that or have Evander respond in some manner that prompts the man to reply with “it’s not worth it…” line.

Comma before “and”

I believe this is supposed to be “voices”?

Should be “he was on his feet”

You use “a moment” twice in one sentence, I think you can it out the second time around and just leave it as “A moment ticked by, silence falling, …”

Add in a “would” after “one”

Comma after “closer”


Alright! So! I think you did really well in this chapter setting up how runaways are received in this world. My main piece of advice here would be to add more descriptions- about the inn and, especially as Evander is hiding in the barn waiting to see if he’s caught.

You have a very concise style and it works well, I’ve noticed that people with that kind of style work especially well when writing more action/conversation based scenes because they have a good feel for faster flowing moments. (Would you say you like writing those kinda scenes?)

However, it can really make your fast-pace-style shine when you learn to slow down at points of waiting or high tension. The contrast will show off your skill in the faster scenes and the slower bits can help draw the reader into the scene more. Or- in the case of the barn scene- raise tension.

This can be especially useful in the moments before a fight (or in this case, flight) scene because it builds tension and lets it hang there for a moment before everything… explodes.

Like if it were a movie, the descriptors would be the moment of silence before the fight starts. One famous cinematic example of this is in Jurassic Park’s Kitchen Scene, and you can see how every time, before something happens, it’s mostly quiet and still. It’s that same effect that adding more descriptions before an action scene can create in writing.

So, yeah! there’s my feedback for Chapter 2!


So after having read the rest of the chapter I’m getting the sense that this is not Evander you’re talking about here. This was a little confusing and made even more so as its not clear up until after the end of the chapter, when you see him (the new narrator/focused character) watching the fight go on.

Maybe include some indicator that we’re looking at someone new? (It could be as easy as replacing “him” with some descriptor- i.e. the boy with ____ hair" and putting in that A) he sees Orion (who I figure he might notice anyway since it’s often pointed to how Orion doesn’t look like your average dog) and/or B) a description of Luna (i.e. a dapple grey horse), all of which can easily cue the reader in that we’re looking at someone new.)

I know someone had pointed it out before, but this scene is very “tell don’t show” when I think a “show don’t tell” might work better. You could have him remembering his encounter and his debate of whether or not to join the group, and use that to explain why he doesn’t want to be a part of a group before eventually coming to the conclusion to not have joined them.

Should be “shivered”

Change “groaned” to either “he groaned” or “groaning”

Two things: One- should be “he recalled”

Two- I feel like there should be some pause between him thinking about trying the inn and recalling his first attempt. Either a comma or an ellipse, either would work but it would signal that moment of stopping to think back.

This is another instance that I think would be really cool with just a bit more showing. Especially since it has my interest piqued- Instead of saying that he knows what it means, maybe have him recall how he learned to recognize the signs? Who taught him? How does he know? A memory or description of some sort would not only be a good show-instead-of-tell for what the symbol means but also provide some insight into his past.

Missing the end quotation mark here.

Missing paragraph break?

I think you mean “reins” here.


So this is exactly what I meant when you have a fast-style that does really well with more conversation/action based scenes. Because it really felt like you fell into stride here with the confrontation between Evander and Aldwyn. You kept the tension up, the conversation flowed, and it felt really well paced.

Plus, you even had some of what I’d pointed out in the other chapter- descriptors before the action- when you described the town at night and snow fall… It was that quiet contrasted with the change in atmosphere when Aldwyn emerged that made the confrontation an especially strong scene because it stood out more, and the reader is able to have a clearer image in their head of what the surroundings are within which this is all happening.

So, yeah! That’s all I’ve got time for right now, but I hope it helped out some!

Good luck!


#16

I really appreciated this piece of advice. I haven’t thought about it that way before, and it does make a whole lot of sense! I’ll work on that!

I think I’m actually going to go watch this scene and see what I can draw visually from it! This is a really clever way of explaining it, or providing examples, and honestly you’re super good at that. It’s extremely helpful!

I went back and added some more about this, using more show instead of tell! I also did that with the other bit too involving Daniel.

I think i do need to add more details, but I’m so glad my style is working out for those scenes. They’re fun for me to write, and I actually went from a terribly detail clogged style to this one, so finding a “happy medium” has been a bit of a challenge for me!

Once again thank you so much for all your feedback, and sorry for these slow replies! I also missed your comment about being sick, and I hope that’s all cleared up for you. Thank you so much for all your help!


#17

Yay! I’m glad it makes sense (at least some, haha). I was also going to find a clip from Rear Window because it does that whole “silent suspense” aspect really well… the only problem was that- that’s basically the entire movie. :sweat_smile: So it wasn’t as good an example for the contrast between the suspense and then action.

But, if you like the visual inspiration and need more for just the silent suspense (and not the contrast between it and sudden action) then I would highly recommend watching clips from Rear Window.

It’s good you’re having fun with them! And I think that, as a reader, I can tell, as they’re fun to read, too.

Hey, y’know, happy mediums are always difficult to find, but never impossible! It’s always just a matter of falling into your own style and then working with it to add and take away from different scenes and such… Playing to your strengths and such.

Don’t worry about the replies! I’m just putting up what I see as I go in the hopes that at least some of it is of some use to you. I’m happy to help, anyway I can! (Also, yes, I’m all better now! Thanks for asking!)


Also, I realized I forgot to post one from Chapter 3, so here’s that before I move on:

The last one should be a quotation mark as well.

Anyway! Now that that’s been taken care of, onto Chapter 4!


I’m not sure the break between here is necessary? It doesn’t seem like Aldwyn is pausing between words here and so it makes the sentence feel a little stilted. Maybe if you either place the action before the speech or after the entire thing it would flow smoother?

I think you’re missing an ‘I’ after the comma.

Comma or period before ‘but’.

You might want to either replace “them” with “dogs” or clarify somewhere else that the “them” refers to dogs in general.


Again, you really fell into your step here. I didn’t really… have a lot to say in the way of corrections. It’s like I said before, you’re good at action-based scenes, so this one really felt nicely paced and with enough detail to keep the reader hooked into what was happening. (Especially with Evander being dizzy and all, there was enough of that sense of delirium that any place that would’ve lacked detail made sense seeing as the focus character was out of it as well).

Also, I like and hate Daniel. Hate because he said he doesn’t like dogs. Dogs are great! Especially big dogs like Orion. (Coming from the girl who owns a corgi. But they still think they’re big dogs.)

I’m kidding, of course. (On the hate part that is, I do like him. Especially that last line. I can sympathize… though I’m wondering if from the prologue I shouldn’t be joking about the hate part. We’ll see. He’s definitely one to watch for.)

So, yeah, this chapter was definitely one of the best so far because it played to both of your strengths- action and characters. It’s also made especially intriguing because it’s starting to directly connect to the prologue, with Daniel’s appearance and such. So there’s not really a lot to say feedback-wise… Sorry about that. I hope what I did point out helps some, at least.

Good luck!


#18

I’m really glad it works out! I think some of those scenes are my strongest, so I’m glad they come across well!

This is actually hilarious to me, because everyone seems to have the exact same reactions to Daniel. It’s a pattern I’ve noticed, and I’m excited to see if it continues with you haha!

Again, thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed and I appreciate all the things you’ve said.


#19

Ha! Well, he’s definitely a curious boy, then. You’ll have to let me know if I continue the pattern or break it!

Anytime! Like I say, I’m happy to help!

Now here’s for Chapter 5!


Should be “was” instead of “were” here.

Add in an “up” after “sped” or change it to “quickened”

Comma before ‘but’

Considering you used “back” just before in the same sentence, maybe taking out the second one might make the sentence flow even more? (This is more a suggestion than grammar check or anything.)

Comma after “body”


I liked this chapter as well! It focused on another of your strengths- characters and conversations. So there isn’t much to say correction-wise.

My main suggestion, however, would be to add more descriptives of the place that everyone is in. We get a lot of dialogue here, but not as much describing what they’re surroundings are, so it can be hard to place the characters in a physical plane, and in reference to each other. Or, for example, how they move when they speak. Since most of this is dialogue there’s not many places where you describe what the characters do while they speak. Are their arms crossed or are they sitting? Standing? Etc. These can help give a more physical sense of where they are in reference to each other.

But yeah! It was good! You continue to keep character voices separate which is a great skill to have.

I have a li’l extra time today, as well, so I can at least get started on Chapter 6 if I don’t finish it today.


Comma after “surprise”

Take out the second “how”

One example of your strengths in character is that its easy to figure out who is speaking after just a line or two of dialogue, such as here where Elizabeth is talking but the reader isn’t told that until it becomes clear from her tone and such from a line or two of dialogue.

Which actually leaves me in a bit of a confused state of being as to tell you whether or not to put in some marker to show that she’s speaking here. :sweat_smile:

I was going to say that you should put something in to signal that this is Elizabeth talking but after the second line of hers it becomes fairly clear who it is by the way she speaks, and any remaining confusion is taken away once you say that it is her just a line or two down.

So… I’m not entirely sure whether to suggest it or not?? Sorry for the unhelpful advice here, but I figured since it still occurred to me I might as well put it up… but with the above disclaimer as well. Sorry. :cold_sweat:

The way these lines are broken up is a little confusing, at first I thought Elizabeth was teasing Daniel for still having to give up his identification. Then I realized that she was talking to Evander.

Perhaps if you put her line after the bit about Evander making things difficult (either have her interrupting Jackson or have a lull as he turns to Daniel, and then have him silence her with the stare before continuing on), then it would clear up what she’s talking about.

I don’t think that first sentence is supposed to be italicized?


Okay! So I was able to get through all of Chapter 6 as well, so yay! (Er… kind yay. This one hurt, especially that ending. I’m too emotional with stories, anyway, but… ah geez :anguished:)

So… yeah! I liked this one as well (if you couldn’t tell, haha). You’re doing well with setting up the character relationships and dynamics and everything is slowly falling into place with the prologue which I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a very, very bad thing for these characters. You’re also doing well with developing the reader’s relationship with your characters (much to your reader’s dismay, because you make me sad), so, yeah! (x2)

From an editing point of view: You also did well with the descriptions here. There were more (like the sound of his boots on the snow, for example) which helped give the reader a more solid sense of being.

Nice job! I’ll take a look at Chapter 7 tomorrow! :smile:

Good luck!


#20

Definitely can go back and add some more details! I think in some of my more recent stuff, the later books, some of this starts to improve detail wise. I’ll keep working on finding that “perfect medium” haha

I hate to make you sad, but it’s always a huge compliment to hear that something I’ve written has brought on emotion for someone! So, in that regard, I’m glad, but also sorry about that!

No spoilers, but you’ll soon start to understand more I think!
It starts to make sense, promise!

Anyway, thanks again!!


#21

You’re doing well detail-wise overall! (I don’t want to give the impression you’re not) I’m just pointing out the parts where I think could use more.

Like I’ve said before (and will probably be saying again, haha) I like the amount you have during action scenes and the like, it’s sharp and to the point which helps get across the pacing of the fight itself, so I’m really just pointing out the scenes that might have too little. (But, y’know, that’s just my word, so put however much stock in it as you like :sweat_smile:)

You don’t have to be sorry! It means I like your writing, and I like your characters. (And therefore, I feel sad when sad things happen to them. So… it’s good! Good sad!)

Now, onto Chapter 7 we go!


Should just be “He was supposed to,”

Put the “only” before “cleaning”

The “don’t you” seems like a question, so I think there should be a question mark instead of a period there?

End quotations after “Well,” are missing.

Also I think it should be “she paused” instead of “she pausing”

Either “Elizabeth had sung” or “Elizabeth sang”

Doing what, exactly? (I realize now that you mean as Evander, Daniel, and Elizabeth are doing the same. This might’ve been a case of focus-tunnel where I was so focused on the grammar that my brain locked out words. Whoops, haha. :sweat_smile:)

Needs an end quotation


So, segwaying for a moment from critique/compliment, the description of the hat made me laugh… Because it sounds a lot like a hat I have. I used to really like hats, wore them all the time, and my favorite was a hat my grandfather gave it to me and it was his father’s before that and his father’s before that and… well, you can see where this is going. But, yeah, an old felt back hat with a brim that’s folded up on the sides, and feathers tucked in a green band around it. (Slightly different, but you can see the funny similarities)

I still have it, actually, though I don’t wear hats as often anymore.

But, yeah! That’s my funny side-story.

Alright! I can definitely see what you mean by as the chapters go you seem to settle more into detail and such, this chapter flowed very smoothly and really, I don’t have a lot to say here other than just: nice job!

So… yeah. Sorry I can’t be of more help on this one, but other than a few grammatical mistakes I really couldn’t think of anything. I liked it! It was good! So… yeah. Hope what I did point out helps some, at least.

Good luck!