Wow uh… so… found this thread yesterday… played today… and… well…
This is the most awful thing I’ve read in a long time… but in a good way!
I mean, it was so sad it broke my heart. I found myself literally crying over this thing… oh man…
I don’t even know where to begin, really… I’m so sad and UGH!
But it was so great…
Also, I’m kind of freaked out, because I’ve got the weirdest feeling of déjà-vu ever, with this game…
When talking with the fortune-teller, and when he told the MC Drew is glad they kept their ring, suddenly I felt like I KNEW this story already, and that specific part made an impact on me. But what the hell, I’ve been on the forums for like two weeks, and there’s no way I’d ever read it before today…
I do get déjà-vu sometimes, but rarely that potent… so weird…
I would like to ask you something, but well, it’s spoilerish, and I don’t really require an answer, since it would be a big spoiler. More like, I’d still like to adress the point.
I love the story, deeply, and I feel so much for my MC, it’s crazy. But at the same time, I’m very scared of revenge plots of any sorts. And also, I love redemption plots of all sorts. With how the story starts, I suspect various things, but at the same time you left the situation pretty unclear, and I was wondering - will it be possible to follow a path where the MC decides to let go of their thirst for revenge, and their desire to hurt the bullies. As much as they’d deserve the harm, it would only end up with more harm to the MC and the people close to them, and I so dearly want for them to get better… poor thing…
As I said, it’s a spoilerish question so no need to answer it (but if you want to, I wouldn’t mind the spoiler - I’d really love for that to be possible!).
Aside from that, I’ve noticed you asked the readers a couple of questions, so I’ll answer them!
Which bully do you dislike the most? Why?
Mary-Ann, with no surprise. She’s the leader of it all, and I doubt the clique would hold without her. It prooobably wouldn’t have escaladed so much if not for her, too. She riles the others up.
What do you think of Bethany? General impressions/thoughts of her?
Honestly, my main feeling is pity. It’s really sad, but in a pitiable and dirty kind of way to do what she does. I have been bullied and I have been one of the “unpopular kids”, but I never sucked up to the popular girls who made my life hell. And believe me when I say she “left the opportunity” for me to become “one of them” at the beginning. Yuck, no thanks. So yeah, I think Bethany’s a coward and a very sad person. But while I’m mildly mad at her, I don’t feel real hatred.
If you made a thorough search of the Coleman’s room (...)
Eeh, didn’t go that route
What do you think the MC will do with Peri?
Same as the previous question. Though if it’s Bethany’s family kitty, well, my MC is caring and while he has his outbursts, he’s usually on the gentle side, so I don’t see him doing anything bad to an innocent animal, in any way. But well, since I didn’t go that route, I don’t have all the context…
In Chapter 3, for those who took the Mall branch (...)
Yes! Actually, I wanted to ask if you could only meet her, or if you had the chance to meet any of the other LIs if you made different choices there, but I guess you asking that means she’s the only one you can meet so far. She was so sweet!
And what about (...)
It’s tricky, really… I’m debating with myself about if I believe there is a supernatural side to this story or not. In most stories like that, I DO believe in the supernatural, ghosts and so on. But the MC is in SUCH bad mental state - at least in my playthrough - I totally see him hallucinating about Drew. If I go with the fact he’s only hallucinating and having regular grief-enduced nightmares and so on, then I don’t think the fortune teller is the real deal. But if there IS some supernatural force in play, then I think he’s the real deal. Honestly I’m still unsure about what to think. But I like that uncertainty.
With that done, I’d like to point out some typos or errors, and ask about things I’m unsure about.
I’ll start with the typos:
During the wake, when talking to the guards:
““Are you allowed in the wake of Andrew Jonathan Moore?” he requests, , more like demands.”
Two commas instead of one (in the actual game the commas are not separated like that, but for some reasons it’s auto-corrected here).
During the dream sequence:
“You aren’t’t sure of neither.”
The double 't.
Once at school:
“A cold bead of of sweat runs down your temple”
“of” appears twice.
A little bit later, during the same segment:
“Your pain doesn’t’t matter, because it’s the least you can bear for Drew”
Again, double 't.
When chapter III starts:
It says “Chapter II” instead.
When following Bethany:
““But I… I wasn’t the one who did it!” She cries, her voice so shrill a Bethany’s of customers turn around. It’s hard to see the fortune teller’s expression under his cloak, may it be a a sting eye or a knowing look, but it makes Bethany drop her act immediately. “Can I… Can I talk to him?” She requests, shoulders sagging in defeat.”
I’m not sure what’s going on here: “She cries, her voice so shrill a Bethany’s of customers turn around.” - is this a weird typo, or some phrasing I don’t get? I’m not a native English speaker, so yeah, I may simply be missing the point…
Now, various other mistakes:
First scene wity Mary-Ann:
“Mary-Ann has walked towards Drew, and is standing a couple of feet away from Drew.”
It flows a bit weirdly, with Drew’s name being repeated like that.
“What, not so brave without your cliqué?”
Clique shouldn’t have an accent over the “e”, if I’m not wrong? Unless it was changed in English, but that would be weird.
If you select for your MC to have had romantic feelings for Drew:
Then you proceed to actually confess, and follow the path that leads to kissing them, you get this:
“You lean in, tilting your head up, giving him a few seconds to react and push you away if they don’t want it, but he tilts his head a bit and meet his lips with yours, joining you”
I think “if they don’t want it” should be “if he doesn’t want it” in this case, since Drew is male in my playthrough.
After learning of the tragic events:
Once Drew is dead and the MC is told:
“No, it’s too much of a coincidence for Drew to spring up dead after what happened yesterday: he wouldn’t have killed himself; the only way Drew would have jumped from the school roof was if he had been pushed into his death.”
But by the time this is happening, the incident MC is referring to wasn’t “yesterday” but some days ago.
Not exactly a mistake per se, but...
After the wake, there’s a journalist whose name is Ethan Davis. But I recall Ethan being one of the default choices for the MC’s name. Maybe it would be better to remove that, or change the journalist’s name? Always better to reduce the risks of an NPC having the same name as the MC.
Almost there! I have two things I think are a bit confusing and unclear, and that’ll be it!
If you go with the romantic path:
After confessing to Drew, if you accept the ring, you can make the indirect choice about the MC’s stature or body type (in addition of telling how the MC will wear the ring), since Drew can say it should fit them or lament it doesn’t. But the choice is very vague since it doesn’t have a follow up. Does that imply the MC is chubby and it won’t fit on his finger, or that they are so skinny it’ll slip…? Or is the only purpose of this to know if the MC will wear it on their finger or neck?
I'm slighly confused about how the "emotional/stoic" stat works, and to a lesser extent, the "impulsive/deliberate" one...
A couple of times I’ve chosen an answer that to me felt emotional, but it added to the stoic stat. Agreeing on sharing a bed with Drew did that, for example. But well, I don’t see why you’d have to be too shy in order for the MC to be emotional here - they might very well follow their desires by agreeing, despite being a bit shy. I had a couple of occurences like that. And same goes for the impulsive stat; like I don’t always know why some of my decisions are considered “deliberate”. And since most answers make the stat balance move by quite a bit, it’s easy for it to tip to the other side even if you didn’t mean to.
Ah, also, would it be okay to ask you to add save slots for the demo? I always say that, but it makes trying various branche so much easier when testing things.
Oh dear, sorry for the extensive post…
But like… I had so many things to say! I loved the WIP so much…