New writer and would love to get some feedback on my writing if anyone has read either of the two WIPs I am currently working on. Feedback is how we grow after all. First I will say I am not too sure about any future plans as i have not gotten to that point, I would assume Hosted would be the best fit as both my current stories aim to be 18+.
The first story, which is on hold until after the new year, is called Silent suffering. You are born into a wealthy family, your birth was supposed to be a blessing, Instead it is a curse to the parents who created you. A father who is indifferent and a mother who hates you, you are forced to suffer in silence unless you can break free.
The second game is called Crushed and Burned. You had abysmal luck all your life, especially in love, you’ve had three crushes in the last 10 years of your life. Your High School Crush, Your College Crush and finally your Co-worker crush. All three men accepted and than rejected your heart, leading you to swear off dating for good. You think your luck has finally changed as, a few years after leaving your dream job, unable to bear the whispers that followed you, you get offered a similar position at a better company. You were wrong, your luck is truly abysmal as not one, not two but all three of your crushes somehow ended up working in or around that new company. Fine, you can handle this, yet how do these three men keep appearing in front of you on a daily basis??! Will you be able to successfully navigate these rocky waters you’ve found yourself in?
This is a story where the genders are all locked both the Player character and the romance options.
my work contains no use of AI. I am putting this here as the post is not allowing me to select the no or yes there,
AI Disclosure:
No — This project does not contain the output of Generative AI
Yes — This project contains the output of Generative AI
What kind of feedback would you like? “Everything” is a bit too vague for me.
So, it’s things like “Do I have a unique writing voice?” or “Is the pacing okay here?”
Kudos to you for writing while working full-time. That’s incredibly difficult. I totally recommend you read @Cataphrak blog post about work ethic and self care.
The writing is a little rough… but I can offer some copyedit-type feedback once you make more progress with the story.
General advice, for the stat screens, you might want to hide the sections the player has not made choices for yet. Seeing a lot of undecideds is a bit jarring.
Character Appearance
Your name is not known
You are a unknown woman with a unknown complexion.
Your hair is undecided, undecided and a undecided, your eyes are a lovely undecided and your best trait is your undecided.
You work in not clear
Taking on two WIPs at the same time can be a bit overwhelming for a new writer (although I’m technically doing that right now.) No pressure of course, and you don’t have to decide now or ever, but you might also want to consider focusing on the title which you like better or think is getting more engagement down the line.
I’m a very busy (and new) writer too, so I understand!!
I didn’t play through the whole demo, but my biggest feedback would be to go over your work with a fine-tooth grammar comb. A lot of the longer paragraphs that I had read could have been broken up with different kinds of punctuation to prevent run-ons. Be careful to look out for typos or words with multiple meanings (not that I saw any evidence of these, but general rule of thumb). Lastly, make sure to look out for general clarity throughout the work. Utilize and focus on direct and indirect objects, descriptions, allusions, connections, anything that can help get a message across. This is your story, and we want to get the full scope of what you’re trying to portray!
As for the actual content, I love the concept and “slice of life” type feel you have going on. There is so much to work with, and so many adventures to delve into. I’ll be following along, good luck!!
Oh, I love crushed and burned. I liked the short introduction of the three male love interests (I totally snorted at the first introduction, when he ducks away, so MC couldn’t see him xD). I’m looking forward to read more about them and their interaction with MC
I’m curious about suffering. What’s the power system? Is there gonna be war or an academy style conflict? Is mc the villan?? That would be cool. Do we get choose our power or you have a set power for mc? And are you gonna add more female ROs, is v gender changeable or is gypsy the only female ro? Can mc get hair and eye color mutation choices like purple? And the typos went from he/her to full on referencing male mc as a girl after the birthday.
so I went rather ambitious with this one, there will be two branching parts of the story that changes depending on your stats, so while there is an academy option there is also an option where you escape and live with the family of traveling gypsy entertainers, or you might get sent to a neighboring country instead ect. Its typical noble layout in regards to power in terms of family standing. Power is a stat that is separate from that and more in line with magic. The MC i don’t consider them to be either a villain or a hero, they are simply a person doing their best to survive and strive for a future they want. The magic part im still toying with but i have an idea, i wont say much more but if i go that route it might not be the standard magic youd expect so at most id probably have two or three options. For now there is only one set female RO, as i don’t have much experience writing Female and female romance, two of the gender options are gender locked, one being strictly male x female but more because of his position and expectations that come along with that and the other is male x male. The other three should be either gender but I’m also toying with making the childhood friend gender selectable. For now he is gender locked as im struggling a bit with the coding as this is one of my first projects. which is why sadly you sometimes see she switch to he in regards to the MC. For the eyes I’m not sure about offering those colors for this story but i have a few others floating around in my noggin which would be where i would have more color options than i have for suffering and crushed. Suffering is a lot more likely to get changes made to it than crushed is so I will definately make a note of some of your suggestions in the suffering notebook i have though.
