Neon Rains (WIP)

Hello everyone! This is the first time I share a story in the forum. English is not my first language and I’m making the first steps with the code, so forgive my misspelling and semantic errors. All your feedback will be really appreciated.

Plot: In Nidea, inequality is embedded in concrete. The city breathes its pollution fog around you and the rain pours over the layers of traffic and urban noise. The commercial screens promote a fictional lifestyle that is very far to reality. In these social dead ends, you are a a survivor, a skilled thief. But your carefree life as predator is going to change forever when you pick the wrong building at the wrong time.

Some features:

Choices

All the choices will matter and will have future consequences.

System

This game uses a dice system. Your skills will help to face situations and to take actions, but sometimes it won’t be your lucky day.

Content

Violence, strong language and some gore

ROs

Coming soon!

Updates

I plan on updating every 2 weeks

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/saiga/neon-rains/mygame/

It’s a short demo but I hope you enjoy! :wink:

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So far, this is an interesting story. It has seemed the world has gone to hell (Something like the state of Earth in the anime Overlord), and it does make a good start for a thief. The demo is too short to be have a complete review, but like any other WIP, it does have potential. All it takes is some bits of passion, determination, and skill for you to make this story a lovely one. Oh and if you don’t mind, I got some typos you may wanna fix.



Strength

Collided

Is

Acquired

Leave

Also one thing. In the scene that we get to pick our gender, saying that there is a pile of garbage 50 feet below us kind of conflicts with the upcoming seen saying that there is a window above us (I am assuming it is an apartment I am at). Does this mean that the city is a floating city? Or did I overlook something?

Either way best of luck to your WIP Vashnik!

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This was short but I loved the atmosphere and bits of world building already part of the story so far. I think the use of shorter sentences really added a tense feeling, especially in the empty apartment. While there aren’t many choices yet, I also like how they have obvious impact right from the start and affect the other choices.

One thing I thought was slightly disappointing – if the MC is a burglar, why couldn’t they take Carl’s ID? I thought that’d be something that’d be useful since it’s for Crisalyd’s level 5 research. Also, the fire escape route seems very short compared to the apartment route – perhaps you could add different world building info in the fire escape so the player doesn’t feel like they’re supposed to play the game only one way?

Typos and stuff

The rain seems not to leave Sinidea City.
Under the curtain of water, the neon lights seem to evaporate.
Having “seem” in both of these sentences makes the paragraph feel slightly repetitious – perhaps change the second “seem” to another similar word.

But it is not good to think about that when you are hanging up from the ledge of a window and an abyss under your feet.
I’d add “with” after “and” so the first part of the sentence flows into the last part.

And as burglar you are good at…
Looks like “an” should be before “burglar” here.

stamina, to keep on the running.
Remove “the”.

You can listen the howling sirens in the distance.
Remove “can”.

Your arms are trembling for exahustation.
“for” should be “from”, “exahustation” should be “exhaustion”

And the damn rain continues poking your eyes like daggers, flurry your vision.
I’d reword “flurry” to “clouding” here.

At your right, you discover a ramshackle fire scape.
“fire scape” should be “fire escape”.

You make a faith jump.
“Jump of faith” might sound better here.

Suddenly an strong hand grabs your shoulder from the dark, almost crushing your bones.
“an” should be “a”.

" groans a resentful voice.
totally redhanded"
Add a comma/exclamation mark at the end of the first dialogue in the sentence, and a period/comma/exclamation mark at the end as well.

Looks like laser cannons ready to incinerate all the entire street.
Since you were talking about the implants/retinas in the previous sentences, I’d change “looks” to “They look” so the sentences are in agreement. Also, maybe remove “all” since “entire” describes the whole street fine without it.

And till then, the inspector seems to development a particulary obsession, following you everywhere and appearing in the most inopportune moments.
“till” should be “since”, I’d change “development” to “have developed”, “particulary” to “particular”.

“Move. Against the wall” ordered the inspector
Add punctuation before the quotation mark.

Atributes
Should be “Attributes”.

Looking forward to seeing more of Inspector Starkov! :relaxed:

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Criminal X Police are the best romance (≧▽≦)

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Looking at the context of the rest of the sentence, I think they meant coiled. As in wrapped around/coiling like a snake. You’re definitely correct about the other spelling typos, though.

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Hehe thanks for the correction :slight_smile:

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Seems super interesting can’t wait for more

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No pressure :rofl::rofl::rofl:

It looks interesting so far. I’ll be keeping an eye around :blush:

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I will keep an eye on this. I’ve always liked reading and playing games where you are either a villain, having a shady profession like being a thief, or doing bad things for the right reason. That’s why I like Fallen Hero so much. You are a hero turned villain with a good reason for turning out as one. Anyway, I look forward to reading more.

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This seems interesting and I look forward to reading/playing more

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Thank you all for the feedbacks!

@ollierocket23 @expectedoperator @LadyUmbreon89 Thanks for catching all those mistakes! Fixed now :+1:

Thanks for clearing that up. I have to rewrite that part to avoid further confusions.

@expectedoperator You are right and thanks for clarifying that matter. I missed that line whenthe MC take Carl’s ID but now it’s fixed and you can keep it . About the fire escape route will be expanded in the next update and there will be a different path. It is not mandatory to get the items, but they will help ease your future . :wink:

@Illusiveacorn54 Good news! Inspector Starkov is one of the ROs, but be warning, he is a little possessive… and sadistic.

@Zoroth Hahaha, in this game you can play as a redeemed martyr or an opportunist bastard :grin:

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Lol that’s even better

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Sooo… I saw a thing online today, and immediately remembered that the Inspector is a confirmed RO. I kinda half expect that this will be Starkov’s reaction at first, but I could be wrong. :rofl:

Fair warning: Swear word, and slightly raunchy

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Priceless :rofl:
And yes, that would be his confused reaction with a flirty MC taking the lead

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Hello everyone! I apologize for the lack of updates and for being inactive for such a long time. I’ve been busy at work lately but I will be back in action soon.

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it ok we now you have a life

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