Nelroche (WIP)

You. You’re an ordinary human, living your life out in a bustling city. Just like the next guy, you work your life away just to get by.

And then everything changes. A portal opens and sucks you in to a place between worlds… and with nowhere else to go, you open a door that pulls you into a whole new universe altogether, as far you’re concerned.

You find yourself in the city of Braelin, a seemingly medieval place with creatures you always thought fantastical roaming about plain as day, caught in a silent fight between a group of cultists and Braelin… and you’re assumed the leader of the cult.

How will you traverse this new world? Will you side with the cultists and bring about a new order, even if what they tell you they want isn’t quite true? Or will you stand with those fighting on the metaphorical “good” side and finish what was thought over? Maybe along the way you’ll find out the real truths… or meet your end, so far from home.

The demo can be found here!

Features
  • 9 Romantic Options.
  • Play as male, female, or non-binary; play as straight, gay, bi, or ace.
  • Customize your own appearance, magic specialization, and weapon.
  • Your decisions matter. Never underestimate what even the simplest choice may do…
  • Heavy romance and fantasy themes
Links

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Game Stats

Current Demo: Prologue-Chapter 2
Total word count: ~37,000 words
Average playthrough: ~13,000 words

238 Likes

Kept my interest throughout. :relaxed:

One thing, though, the MC seemed strangely at ease with finding themselves in a whole new world… :thinking: Seeing the first few people, the city – I expected a bit more of a reaction there.

I did enjoy it, though, and will keep an eye on this, to be sure. Well written, methinks. :slight_smile:

5 Likes

I really enjoyed playing the demo !

There are lots of characters and interactions, which is something I really like in games, even more so than the story itself most of the time. But in this case, the story seems to be built just as well as the characters ! All I can say is congratulations and I wish you well for the future of your story :blush:

4 Likes

I hope you don’t abandon this. I love it so far

5 Likes

Tbh, I thought it was the opposite for the MC. I thought they were overreacting for certain situations but that’s just me.

I think the biggest issue with the MC is that they’re focusing on the wrong problem during a situation. Their priorities isn’t set and it doesn’t help that all the NPCs are pulling a “You’ll understand when you’re older” card. It really makes for a confusing experience and a flip flopping MC.

There were a lot of moments that made me go “You’re fixated on THAT but letting these characters slide on THIS?” The MC managed to overreact and under react at the same time haha

6 Likes

I feel like if you changed I to you for the description of scenes, it would be more immersive. It feels more like a book to read Instead of stepping into that character’s perspective.

“I sigh and shake my head” vs “You sigh and shake your head”

That’s just my two cents though.

4 Likes

So is the MC a reincarnation or something like that? o_o
Or maybe the ‘witch’ is like, our evil twin sister?

4 Likes

Bring about new world order? Sign me up!

3 Likes

It’s an interesting story premise, and I think you’ve got some really neat ideas so far.

I did find that it felt like you have a certain personality in mind for the MC - so there were interactions where it was very obvious I was reading about a character, and not a protagonist I was creating. I don’t personally have anything against playing fixed characters, but if that isn’t what you’re going for, it might help to review and remove some of that from the writing.

The switch for Ira felt like too much too soon? I found it weird that he went from so antagonistic and aggressive to offering to help out if I ever needed it. It felt very choppy, like you couldn’t quite figure out how to introduce him as a - not exactly enemies to lovers option, but along those lines - while not making him an absolute jerk that everyone would just hate from the word go.

I really liked that you give options for the MC to not just blindly trust or go along with what’s going on - however, as someone else already mentioned, it did seem like MC chose to get angry or upset about things that shouldn’t matter, while kind of just accepting things when there should be options to get angry or scared.

All in all, I look forward to watching where you take your story!

11 Likes

Okay guys, Cierra here as Faye (the writer) is having issues with their internet connection!

@zombiequeenkai Hi! Could you please point out specific locations you’re seeing this? We can’t really start to fix issues you have if you don’t give us specific examples. Screenshots are also super helpful!

@happenstance2me Again, we need specific examples in text to know what you’re talking about! So please gather some so the areas you see issue in can be looked over! Also, as for Ira, he’s been given orders by A (which I’m fairly certain has been shown? It’s been a bit since I last read but I think I remember MC seeing it) to help MC, and it’d be OOC for him to disobey orders in the same sense. If you have suggestions, please say them!

5 Likes

Hey this looks super awesome and promising! I’m super interested in what’s going to happen next and the characters are intriguing!

One thing I did notice though was when I was in the kitchens to get food and was asked what a dignitary from Celona(?) was there for, I chose the ‘freeze’ option and after Ciaran said it was super top secret, there was no option to move forward, it gave the same choices as before, reasons you were there. I tried a few times but it always circled back until I chose another answer.

1 Like

Could we have single braids and pony tails as an option for hairstyles?

Feels like Re:Zero. Im Sold! More feels incoming!

3 Likes

interesting concept. I like the variety in personalities of NPCs too!

Can’t really say more until we get deeper into the story, I think.

2 Likes

Okay - well some places where I felt like the MC’s reaction was a bit off:

Feeling off: World Transition

image

For instance, when you switch worlds, the options are all fairly lowkey and calm. And I think it’s great to have those options, but I think it would also be helpful to provide a choice where the MC could portray anxiety or panic or even confusion.

Maybe it has since I’m in the last forest I saw. Or I think I am anyway? Or maybe this is all one giant hallucination or dream? That would almost be preferable to this.

The above lines do give a bit of a nod to why the MC wouldn’t be freaking out or afraid, but I think you could flesh this out a bit - it’s obviously going to be personal choice, but for me, I think it would work better to show some kind of confusion or disbelief or something? I feel like it’s missing a sense of WTF-ness, and that could perhaps be addressed by giving more of a sense of how the MC is feeling in that moment. I don’t think that’s a very helpful description, sorry - I might, for instance, describe the MC feeling a wave of dizziness as they stare around with wide eyes, or maybe their pulse picks up as they try to make sense of what’s going on, or even focus on ‘haha, this dream is so funny, i was just here in this forest the other day’ to sort of emphasize why the MC is being so calm. Or, alternatively, just write in an option where the MC has a moment of anxiety - like, if people choose the “take off” option (which I originally chose), maybe write it as more of a panicked flight through the trees, whereas the “stay put” option could be for people who are reacting more calmly / logically about what’s going on, and so forth.

I know I mentioned it earlier, but I just want to reiterate that when you meet the first group of people in the forest, I really appreciate that you give choices to not trust them and to be cautious. I also like that the MC can head off into town alone.

Feeling off: First meeting with Ira in town

I chose the “rather not” option here, and so it felt a bit strange that the MC just sort of - went along with Ira? Same thing with the “no, nope” option and the “no, absolutely not” option.

There’s no real struggle or challenge beyond the initial refusal. There’s some description of being forced and dragged along, but it left me feeling very passive. I would have enjoyed seeing some kind of resistance here, even if it was the MC just digging their heels in and attempting to pull away, or struggling and yelling.

The most emotion I felt out of the scenario was after choosing a response to the “catching the witch” comments:

I huff, losing track of how many turns we go through as time goes on, but eventually, we come across a large gate with walls of stone.

Which - well, to be honest, “huff” implies more of a poutiness to me than anger or fear.

I understand that you need to get MC from here to the castle, but it feels like an under-reaction when you’ve chosen any of the hard no choices.

As I also mentioned, it feels like you have a set character personality already in mind - I wasn’t sure if you also wanted examples of what I mean with this, so I included it just in case.

Set Personality vs Blank Slate MC

Example 1:

I turn to glare at the man. There’s no way I’m staying in a dungeon when I haven’t even done anything. Before I can utter a word of protest, I’m shoved into one of the open cells, scraping my hands and knees even more in the landing.

So here, for instance - the MC is angry and defiant, and reacts in that way, no matter what. The only reactions you offer up for choice are resignation and anger. There’s no way to remain calm (I recognize that the “seethe in silent anger” option is a way to stay calm, but it’s still angry), to be afraid, to be hopeful, etc. And I’m aware you can’t create an option for all of the possible choices because that’s a ton of work for you to create all of the various feelings - but if you want people to feel like they’re creating more of a blank slate character, then I’d suggest here is a good place to provide a few different personality responses.

Example 2:

Why is Alys such a bitch?

Okay, fair enough, I don’t have to select this question but as a completionist, I hate skipping any potential bit of story. But I don’t think Alys is a bitch at this point? I didn’t think she was necessarily a nice person, but by this point, the MC and Alys have only had the single interaction and as a player, I don’t feel like there’s enough to draw that conclusion yet? I think here is another place where you can provide less of a set personality with a slight adjustment - like “why was Alys being such a bitch” or “is Alys always so bitchy to strangers / new people” or something along those lines.

The initial interactions with Minra are great - I think it’s a good range of personality and attitude, and again, I like that you don’t have to immediately trust and accept that they have good intentions.

Regarding Ira and his flip-flop, I did get that he was taking you to your room under orders, but the following felt out of place to me:

Ira weirdness

I do get that he’s being the good little knight, and you’ve been offered the choice to have someone look out for you, so that’s where it’s coming from - but it still felt out of place to me. I think, for me, that could be resolved by maybe expanding on the sense of duty or responsibility he feels toward Aidan - even a quick line like “Aidan believes you need our help, so you can call on me if anything comes up”, just to make it really clear where his sense of obligation comes from. I think that it could help to balance the flip from antagonism to assistance and make the transition a bit smoother.

(It does make more sense when you accept his offer to go eat though - I chose the “no” option initially because my MC is still suspicious and angry at Ira, and it’s at that point that the offer feels weird.)

I think that the options where you end up being escorted by Aidan, Minra or Ciaran here are great though - I actually especially liked Ciaran, and thought that the different choices really flowed well with him.

So that’s kind of where my opinion comes from, and sorry it ends up being such a ramble. Even if you don’t make use of any of the feedback, I hope it’s helpful in some way! As I said, I think you have a neat story here, and I look forward to following your progress.

14 Likes

i don’t mean to be rude but this shares an alarming amount of similarities with lovestrucks vn love and legends to a point where it makes me think you are copying from it

5 Likes

I agree, in addition I hope that Caspian jerk isn’t screwing up the mc’s life, such as it was, in the real world in the meantime.

Evil doppelganger more like, and they have magic whereas the mc obviously doesn’t and is completely powerless in the new world.

1 Like

I… neither Faye nor I read Lovestruck VNs because we find them to be a bore… there’s a lot of “Modern MC in Old World” games, fanfics, etc. Immediately assuming someone is copying is a bit harsh :confused: Games can share similarities and be utterly unrelated; it’s only on it’s second chapter.

26 Likes

You realize normal person dropping into a mythical world and being mistaken for someone important has been a fanfic trope for decades right? Lovestruck wasn’t the first to do it and certainly won’t be the last.

28 Likes

Idk about the lovestruck one, but yeah, it’s hard to be just pure original these day, and I’m sure lovestruck one is not the first one who come out with this idea. In Fictif for example, there are also a storyline where mc is gone to different world and mistaken by someone else, so yeah… :sweat_smile:

5 Likes