My own story


Alright, i plan to post the begining of a story im planning here…But how would I get it off onto Drop Box, Then post a link here?


Post the entire ‘web’ folder into your public folder, and then post the link to the ‘index.html’ file on the forum. Happy to help!



Ahhh I just made a ccount…I didnt download it…Hold on…Downloading it now…


Got it. Can’t wait to see the game!


It isnt a game…Its a story…Non Interactive…BUT it is the basis around a game im planning

EDIT: Got it! Here is the Link! Please give me some feed back…And maybe even a title?


This is cool… So you’re making a choice game based off of this?


Thats kinda my plan…More from thee pov of the apprentice who will come later on




Im working on 3d game design and I hope I become great enough to design a story game :3 it would be cool if I could hold a contest and turn a story into a 3d game


It’s a really interesting story so far, I will be curious to see where it goes/a choice game that stems from it. I noticed a few grammatical/punctuation errors but nothing heinous, and I believe you meant to write ‘Prologue’ at the beginning. An ‘Epilogue’ comes at the end of the story, not at the beginning.


@2Ton like a video game?


@lackofmops Yes, exactly


@2Ton Wow sounds really, really awesome. I will totally enter if you hold a contest.


In my opinion, it could use a much slower pace. There was too much information from the start, and that gave it an extremely rushed pace that didn’t do much to set an interesting beginning. Then it progressed to a very slow pace that didn’t really reveal anything to the reader, only that a deal was being made. It seemed like you were trying to get all of the information off your chest at the first sentences, then proceed to a real story.

The first paragraph was composed almost entirely of information, but with very, very little discription. What is Lord Alexander like? What is the tavern like?

For a villain who wants to kill the King, Lord Alexander isn’t special enough. I have two suggestions, either make him appear to be more special by adding some traits, or make him special by his lack of traits.

One more point, is that this story’s characters are remarkably two-dimensional. Now, that is not necessarily a bad thing; in a good setting, two-dimensional characters can appear to be very memorable, but these characters are all too obvious, and therefore uninteresting.

Again, two ways I know of to circumvent that problem: Make the characters dance around their meanings like The Godfather or a James Bond film. Don’t say their meanings directly, go around them. Give your characters some mystery, make the reader thirst for the story.

1: Where are the other three?
2: They got sick.
1: Really?
2: Indeed. They had a terrible headache.
1: They should see the doctor in the next town.
2: That would be unnecessary.
1: Why?
2: They no longer have their headaches.
1: Are you very good at curing headaches?
2: You may say so.
1: So you are a very good doctor?
2: I am very good at taking care of headaches.
1: How do you cure headaches?
2: One may have no headaches if he has no head.
(Roughly translated Scene from Wuxia novel Seven Weapons, by Taiwanese author Gu Long)

In effect, that scene could have been summed up in two sentences, but that would be poorer in drama. Imagine:

1: Where are the other three?
2: Dead.

Not quite so dramatic, I’d say. Which is why having your characters talk in circles can give a sense of mystery and drama.

Or, alternatively, if you’d prefer to go around all of those dialogues, which can give some writers a headache, you can just make them actually more mysterious by giving each one of them an obvious hidden agenda, so that everyone knows they are up to something, but never know what. A good choice would be to not reveal what Lord Alexander is there for at first, and to reveal that to the readers during the conversation. Or better yet, don’t even let us know who the guy in a hood is at first.

Sorry if I seem like I’m browbeating you into writing something else, if you don’t follow any of the above stuff, no problem, I’m cool with it, just trying to share my thoughts with you.


Its perfectly good…And I realize im horrible at writing charachters…Horrible…I feel im good at writing poltlines but one again…Horrible…At writing characters


I know, I have the same problem…

To get around that, I just make or borrow a lot of stereotypes and fit them into my characters. They still won’t be very human on close inspections, but they do the trick.