My Novel Ok


#1

Ok So Im Writing A Novel It’s in a very early stage of development any feed back and critics is really appreciated

Footsteps Echoed In The Dark Alleyway Of New York A man Is Running Fear Was Seen In His Face Suddenly The Man Fires His Tommy Gun He Shot Blindly In The Dark When Suddenly A Gunfire Was Heard The Sound Echoes Throhough The Alley The Man Falls Down Blood Spurt From All His Body His White Tuxedo Was No Longer White It’s Red With Blood The Tommy Gun He Is Carrying Fall Over His Dead Body Suddenly Two Men Steps Out From The Shadow Carrying Shotguns No Doubt That They Are The Killer One Of The Man Speak “This Is What You Get If You Betray The Don” The Other Speaks “Michael Let’s Go The Cops Will Be Here Soon” Michael And His Friend Then Walk To Their Car They Quicky Speed Away Leaving Brooklyn Heading To Little Italy When They Were Suddenly Rammed By Another car The Passenger In The Other Car Suddenly Fire At The Car “Shit, Frank We’re Done For This Time” Said Michael To Frank. Frank Without Saying Anything Jumps Out The Car And Like A Professional Assasin Swung Out His Tommy Gun And Fires At The Car Killing The Passenger And The Driver In One Long Burst “Done For ?” He Said To Michael “Damn Kid You Always Amaze Me“ Said Michael While Laughing “Let’s Go Old Timer” Said Frank While Opening The Rammer’s car And Kicking Out The Bodies. Meanwhile Dawn Creeps To A Large House In New Jersey A Man Wakes Up In A Room That Will Make The King And Queen Of England Jealous He Does His Usual Morning Routine He Thinks To Himself “What News Will My Consigliere Vito Bring Today“ He Get’s The Answer At His Office “Don We Lost 3 Men Yesterday” Said The Consigliere His Face Looks Really Troubled “Who” Said The Don His Face Is Looks Furious “Salvatore Is Killed While Taking The Money From The Local Stores,Dino Is Killed While Following The Murderer Same With Emilio” Said The Consiliegre

Just This is What i managed to write


#2

firstly, whats it even suppose to be about?


#3

Punctuation- use full stops, semi colons, commas, etc. it makes the story easier to read, and not just one big block.

Capitalisation- You have used way too many capital letters in this story. If You Write Like This It Is Not Correct And Does Not Look As Good As Writing Properly. :stuck_out_tongue:

Review- too short to provide any review. What’s the plot? Why does the man get killed? Why is he carrying a tommy gun- seriously, you need more detail on that, maybe a bit more character background. It just felt so random, like ‘Hey, this guy’s just walking along, and OH MY GOD HE HAS A TOMMY GUN OH MY GOD HE’S DEAD’. Detail is the key- provide more detail, more plot, more character development etc. etc.


#4

Have to agree with @Redgrave Those Capitals gave me a headache, but you’ve got talent, keep working at it.


#5

with only capitals and without puntuation i dont now were breath and start to hurt my mind and I lost interest in the second word so more detail and info


#6

Ooops Sorry But Im not a native english speaker could somebody help me edit it


#7

I understand you pal I’m not native either.


#8

I don’t know much about languages other than English and a bit of french but I’m sure punctuation exists in them all.

***
The silence of night time New York, was shattered by the sounds of footsteps in the dark alley. The man ran, fear etched into his face, he slows up as he comes to a crossroad. A can clatters to his left and the man’s tommy gun replies, peppering the darkness with bullets.

The alleyway falls silent once more, only to be broken by a louder gunshot. The man is knocked off his feet his once white tuxedo quickly dyed red with blood. Two men step from the shadows clutching shotguns and apparently unharmed.
***

Similar to yours but is easier to read, follow and understand. Keep at it and you’ll get better with experience.


#9

@Redgrave you are a grammar cop


#10

i don’t really mind the capitals but the coma’s are very important they can change the whole text, so as long as your comas are good i will like the story :wink:


#11

No dots


#12

thanks guys for the advice


#13

@akatsuki9344 true, most of my friends think I’m head of the police force!

And @bezment78 sorry that I forgot to mention it earlier, but I think it could be a good story! :slight_smile:


#14

yeah your writing is good just need grammar fixed and it will be perfect and it won’t take long to fix the grammar i believe


#15

The silence of night time New York, was shattered by the sounds of footsteps in the dark alley. The man ran, fear etched into his face, he slows up as he comes to a crossroad. A can clatters to his left and the man’s tommy gun replies, peppering the darkness with bullets.

The alleyway falls silent once more, only to be broken by a louder gunshot. The man is knocked off his feet his once white tuxedo quickly dyed red with blood. Two men step from the shadows clutching shotguns and apparently unharmed

They Are The Killer One Of The Man Speak “This Is What You Get If You Mess With The Don” While He Peppers The Dead Man’s Body With His Own Tommy Gun Further Damaging His Body The Other While Holding Him Speaks “Michael Let’s Go The Man’s Dead We Better Go The Cops Will Be Here Soon” Michael And His Friend Slowly Walk To Their Car Speeding Away Leaving Brooklyn Behind Them.

They were on their way to Little Italy When Their car was Suddenly Rammed By Another car The instant Their Cars Collide The Passenger In The Other Car Fire At The Car Peppering the car with his tommy gun “Shit, Frank We’re Done For This Time” Said Michael While Scrambling to get his shotgun.
Frank Without Saying Anything Jumps Out The Car And Like A Professional assasin Swung Out His Tommy Gun And Fires At The Car Killing The Passenger And The Driver In One Long Burst “Done For ?” He Said To Michael “Damn Kid You Always Amaze Me“ Said Michael While Laughing “Let’s Go Old Timer” Said Frank While Opening The Rammer’s car And Kicking Out The Bodies.

Meanwhile Dawn Creeps Waking up the people that lives in A Large House In New Jersey A Man Wakes Up In A Room That Will Make The King And Queen Of England Jealous He Does His Usual Morning Routine He Thinks To Himself “What News Will My Consigliere Vito Bring Today“ He Get’s The Answer At His Office “Don We Lost 3 Men Yesterday” Said Vito His Face Looks Really Troubled “Who” Said The Don His Face Looks Furious “Salvatore Is Killed While Taking The Money From The Local Stores ,Dino Is Killed While Following The Murderer Same With Emilio” Said Vito His Face Looking A Lot More Troubled He Knows The Don Will Burst Out His Anger To Him The Don Pauses Eating And Ask Vito “Do We Know Who Is The Killer” Vito Then Says “Michael Nitti And Frank Telvio Soldato Of The Marinato” The Consiliegre Had Only Finished Saying That When The Don Suddenly Stand Up And Takes A Knife And Slams The Knife To The Table Making A Big Crack In It While Saying “Marinato Again God damn it Vito We’ve Lost 40 Men In The Past 2 Month Call Enzo And Raimondo I Want To Hear What My Caporegime Has To Say” Vito The Don’s Consiliegre Says “Yes Don I Will Arrange A Meeting This Evening” Vito Then Leaves The Room.

In Other Side Of Town Michael And Frank Stopped In the Front of a restaurant The Sign Says Mariposa’s Restaurant Michael And Frank Enters that restaurant casually They instantly sit at a corner in front of a man, frank said “Hey giuseppe The Don’s Here ?” The Man Called giuseppe stays silent for a while His Hawk Like Eyes Constantly Watching The Streets He Says In His Deep Voice “Yeah frank He’s Waiting For Ya At The usual place” Michael and Frank Instantly Goes To The Back They Go Into A Large And Dimly Lighted Rooms At The Middle Of The Room Were A Table A Man Sat Behind The Table He’s No Older than 45 years old in front of him was slumped at the Table A Man Brutally Axed Into Death his blood splatter was seed in the man’s suit The Axe That Kill The man was held by him he says “ Hello Mike, Hello Frank I’ve Been Waiting For You A mission Well Done We’ve Sent The Message That Our Family Will Not Be Disturbed Ah Yes Freddy’s Body I’ve Just Known That Freddy Here Sent Word Of Your Mission To The Garbaredo Family And The Rest You see it yourself oh yeah don’t forget all Traitor Deserve This Now Get Yourself A Rest And A beer or two” The Don Then Throw Each of them An Envelope Full Of Money.
Mike And Frank Instantly Get Out Of The Room And both Get On Their Own Cars And Drive To Their own Safehouse


#16

new i have rewrite it a lot but i havent put commas and dot yet