I have to say, whilst I have only read a portion of it, I am very interested in the game! The story is unique and imaginative, and along with the wonderful artwork you had at the beginning I was hooked from the start! I am liking the world you have created, along with the few characters I have met. There was a few issues with grammar I met along the way, but I have pointed them out below.
For a start, did you do the art yourself? I have to say it grabbed my attention into the story immediately. Kudos for that.
Another great thing I noticed was the custom style (or design, whatever you call it) you have throughout the game. It made it feel like its own, you know? A small thing that made quite a difference if you ask me.
The story itself is, from what I have read, well thought out. It didn’t feel like I was thrown into some world I could not understand, but at the same time it did not feel like the story telling was gruelling and long winded. The introduction was crisp, to the point yet descriptive enough for an understanding of the plot.
As for grammar and spelling issues, here’s a few point outs that I noticed along the way. They are all in order of the writing itself for convenience:
In the Introduction, ‘bloddy’ should be ‘bloody’,
‘change’ I think would be more suited as ‘changed’,
‘scattered a poor theater’ would make more sense to me as ‘scattered into a poor ‘theatre’’,
‘exausted’ should be ‘exhausted’.
Next page: The first paragraph needs altering slightly. Change it to: ‘Then, the divine energy was discovered. Eternal and powerful, it was a plasma capable of not only fuelling the flying city of Narkond, but also maintaining the shield barriers in the aquatic realm of Mouras.’
I am not sure whether ‘No’ fits in at the start of the next paragraph. Maybe changing it to ‘However’ instead?
‘throw’ would makes more sense as ‘threw’,
Place a ‘to’ between ‘born’ and ‘emulate’ in this sentence: ‘noble born emulate the ancient heroes’,
change ‘transforming’ into ‘it transforms’.
Onwards, I am not quite sure what you mean by ‘desesperated’. Could you elaborate on that word?
Next, ‘percieve’ needs to be changed to ‘perceive’.
There needs to be an ‘a’ between ‘perceive’ and ‘strange’.
Personally, I would change ‘like’ to ‘as’ to make the sentence flow slightly better.
‘wondering’ can be changed to ‘wondered around’ instead.
‘fulled’ should be ‘filled’.
More of a grammar thing, but there needs to be a ‘,’ after ‘something in her’ in the next sentence.
Swap ‘thing’ to ‘think’.
‘creating’ doesn’t really fit unless you say ‘it created an’.
‘noisynand’ should be ‘noisy and’
Finally, I would remove the ‘a’ from ‘She is a…’ so that it makes sense along with the choices below.
From here on I chose the Morlock choice, so just a heads up on that one!
Another ‘to’ is required between the ‘decided’ and ‘help’.
‘consist in serve all’ should be changed to ‘consisted in serving all’.
Alter ‘citizens you mutter for yourself’ to ‘citizens, you mutter to yourself’.
Next, during the speech that the Morlock makes about her child, there needs to be a ‘do’ in front of the two 'not’s.
Next page: ‘continue look at you relieved’ goes to ‘continued to look at you, relieved’.
‘moments raise’ goes to ‘moments to raise’.
A quick change of ‘yelling about having ugly’ to ‘yelled about having an ugly’.
An ‘at’ is needed between ‘look’ and ‘his’.
‘death’ should be changed to ‘died’, or you could change ‘wife’ to ‘wife’s’.
The first sentence of the next page is incomplete. Maybe adding ‘tunic, walked into the ward.’ would help.
‘transformed in’ would be ‘transformed into’.
I would also change ‘Even more suspicious after a small chat with the veteran nurse he clearly was bribing her’ into ‘Even more suspicious was that, after a small chat with the veteran nurse, he clearly was bribing her’.
Again a ‘,’ after ‘smile’.
‘business, your gut tells that’ to ‘business, and your gut tells you that’.
Then I chose the choice about there being lots of other babies in richer places.
‘horfanages’ should be ‘orphanages’. Maybe add a ‘-’ after it as well?
Swap ‘never could’ to ‘could never’.
Just a quick thing, but you should capitalise the ‘i’ in ‘insert own name’.
That’s as far as I got whilst proof reading it. I will add more later, but don’t worry too much about your grammar! From what I read you have been managing very well and it’s only the little things that you missed!
I shall continue reading when I have the chance. I need to get back to work on my own game before everyone kicks me again xD