My nanowrimo project Crimsom sky a wip?


#1

I know it’s far away from November and Nanowrimo. But today finally I have reached my 30,000 words goal. So like i promised myself publish the demo when reach the limit. Here it goes.

The game takes place in Arisian, a planet where mana magic was releashed by demons to help humanity to recover from an atomic apocalypse.

Demons and humans kills all gods and destroy heaven… Not all…legend says Veldrian and Adrian the twins gods still somewhere ploting …

But our story takes place 4,000 years before mana was releashed. A magic steampunk tecnology has advanced in the Elswind empire … You start as a new born and in theory and avanced until your 15 years birthday and time to enter in Crimsom sky the magic academy in hell…

The game is still at the start mere cover first chapter. But i don’t know if deserve being continued so i please beg for people feedback about
-My grammar is BAD i know it need more editing. If you wanna pointed please that help me a lot.
-the morlok path is playable but incomplete. And jumps in the next scene . So play it knowing that
-the game has only a chapter for more 30,000 words due the choice differences and activities .

Well time to post demo. Please post your impresions after play it and be sincere. Feedback is really important to me.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/128296360/nanowrimo/mygame/index.html


#2

I enjoyed it though I’ve read it pretty fast because I don’t really have time but keep on the good work


#3

I have to say, whilst I have only read a portion of it, I am very interested in the game! The story is unique and imaginative, and along with the wonderful artwork you had at the beginning I was hooked from the start! I am liking the world you have created, along with the few characters I have met. There was a few issues with grammar I met along the way, but I have pointed them out below.

For a start, did you do the art yourself? I have to say it grabbed my attention into the story immediately. Kudos for that.

Another great thing I noticed was the custom style (or design, whatever you call it) you have throughout the game. It made it feel like its own, you know? A small thing that made quite a difference if you ask me.

The story itself is, from what I have read, well thought out. It didn’t feel like I was thrown into some world I could not understand, but at the same time it did not feel like the story telling was gruelling and long winded. The introduction was crisp, to the point yet descriptive enough for an understanding of the plot.

As for grammar and spelling issues, here’s a few point outs that I noticed along the way. They are all in order of the writing itself for convenience:

In the Introduction, ‘bloddy’ should be ‘bloody’,
‘change’ I think would be more suited as ‘changed’,
‘scattered a poor theater’ would make more sense to me as ‘scattered into a poor ‘theatre’’,
‘exausted’ should be ‘exhausted’.

Next page: The first paragraph needs altering slightly. Change it to: ‘Then, the divine energy was discovered. Eternal and powerful, it was a plasma capable of not only fuelling the flying city of Narkond, but also maintaining the shield barriers in the aquatic realm of Mouras.’
I am not sure whether ‘No’ fits in at the start of the next paragraph. Maybe changing it to ‘However’ instead?
‘throw’ would makes more sense as ‘threw’,
Place a ‘to’ between ‘born’ and ‘emulate’ in this sentence: ‘noble born emulate the ancient heroes’,
change ‘transforming’ into ‘it transforms’.

Onwards, I am not quite sure what you mean by ‘desesperated’. Could you elaborate on that word?
Next, ‘percieve’ needs to be changed to ‘perceive’.
There needs to be an ‘a’ between ‘perceive’ and ‘strange’.
Personally, I would change ‘like’ to ‘as’ to make the sentence flow slightly better.
‘wondering’ can be changed to ‘wondered around’ instead.
‘fulled’ should be ‘filled’.
More of a grammar thing, but there needs to be a ‘,’ after ‘something in her’ in the next sentence.
Swap ‘thing’ to ‘think’.
‘creating’ doesn’t really fit unless you say ‘it created an’.
‘noisynand’ should be ‘noisy and’
Finally, I would remove the ‘a’ from ‘She is a…’ so that it makes sense along with the choices below.

From here on I chose the Morlock choice, so just a heads up on that one!

Another ‘to’ is required between the ‘decided’ and ‘help’.
‘consist in serve all’ should be changed to ‘consisted in serving all’.
Alter ‘citizens you mutter for yourself’ to ‘citizens, you mutter to yourself’.
Next, during the speech that the Morlock makes about her child, there needs to be a ‘do’ in front of the two 'not’s.

Next page: ‘continue look at you relieved’ goes to ‘continued to look at you, relieved’.
‘moments raise’ goes to ‘moments to raise’.
A quick change of ‘yelling about having ugly’ to ‘yelled about having an ugly’.
An ‘at’ is needed between ‘look’ and ‘his’.
‘death’ should be changed to ‘died’, or you could change ‘wife’ to ‘wife’s’.

The first sentence of the next page is incomplete. Maybe adding ‘tunic, walked into the ward.’ would help.
‘transformed in’ would be ‘transformed into’.
I would also change ‘Even more suspicious after a small chat with the veteran nurse he clearly was bribing her’ into ‘Even more suspicious was that, after a small chat with the veteran nurse, he clearly was bribing her’.
Again a ‘,’ after ‘smile’.
‘business, your gut tells that’ to ‘business, and your gut tells you that’.

Then I chose the choice about there being lots of other babies in richer places.

‘horfanages’ should be ‘orphanages’. Maybe add a ‘-’ after it as well?
Swap ‘never could’ to ‘could never’.

Just a quick thing, but you should capitalise the ‘i’ in ‘insert own name’.

That’s as far as I got whilst proof reading it. I will add more later, but don’t worry too much about your grammar! From what I read you have been managing very well and it’s only the little things that you missed!

I shall continue reading when I have the chance. I need to get back to work on my own game before everyone kicks me again xD


#4

@Blazedstorm About art my draw skills are zero i pick a old free rights zeppelin drawing and use photo efects programs add lights; color the gas effect. I spent like 3 hours on it , so glad you like it.

And about grammar issues thanks for pointing them i have to use dictionary to spot them.

Also about universe explaining … It’s in game in noble part if you found it. I did it deliverately to shock players when reach Crimsom sky in the hell. Similar like how harry potter has no idea about magic at all i want player feel there are more going on because it is.


#5

@poison_Mara the story is awesome I find it very intriguing the grammar ranges from not terrible, to makes me a little naucious overall however I’ve known people to whom English is a native language to do far worse. Now this may be against what you’re going for or you may be planning to implement it later, but Can I has air magic?


#6

hay poison :slight_smile: this will be my second post ever xD i just started reading your game :slight_smile: I’ll try to point out errors while playing. It looks great so far :slight_smile: and I’d have to agree with Blazed, the art work at the begging is outstanding :slight_smile: I’ll try to point out things that haven’t been yet by Blazed. personally i hate grammar so i am really going to feel like a Hippocratic x.x

Right, “while the gods watched in their luxury realm how the different species fight in bloddy eternal battles for scavenging the exausted planet corpse.”

switch bloody and eternal " in eternal bloody battles"

personally i would change “for” to “over” but that’s really up to you. also is the introduction shaped in the present or past tents?


#7

its a great story over all :slight_smile: I look forward to reading more of it :slight_smile: i noticed a lot of minor errors but there’s nothing to horrible i think. Keep up the good work :smiley:


#8

@817819 Glad you like it. And about grammar i would try get better all i can and when game its finished a native ironed the rest many of my grammar issues came from the fact i still thinking phrases and metaphors in spanish and flow and meanings are not same in both languages.

And about the air magic exist and Elsweir is the flying kingdom for they use of it. Arcanum is the study of elemental magic air is one of 6 elements.:Earth, water, fire, air, metal and wood. I choose the japanese elements for practical reasons in my table rpg and i keep it here. But if you could learn air depend of your future choices and race. A water elf cant learn air magic for instance due they desmaterialize power doesnt allowed them to focus mana in create air.


#9

What races can?


#10

The rest dwarven can’t do magic they could use the mana inside other objects and they could be air. Imagine a big eolic tower a dwarven army could be near and use that energy to create a huricane. Humans could do all elements except metal. And morlok they could in theory use all but their nature make the spells effects random .

But that limits are easily avoided. Remember arcanum is only one of 5 arts. a knowledge adept could use a magic robot to asist with magic cant do by itself.
A bellum could use a enchanted weapon and his own strength.
A ancient gods priest could summon and curse air demons.
And beauty could create a air illusion that could make rivals run scared.


#11

ah xD i didn’t realize that when posting my comment xD i mean its still good and there’s a lot of potential in your story :slight_smile: I’d suggest not worrying about your grammar and spelling until you finish it then maybe have someone help edit everything when its done xD but all in all its a great game so far :slight_smile:


#12

I think the floating city part should go. see


In the scene where the noble wants to adopt the baby it should be reply not replay.


#13

Love the game mara! :smiley:


#14

I love Bioshock infinite! But due the Narkond city has like five years or six? :-? . This universe born from some sesions of rol in the college. The inspiration come more from old scifi stories and the film Metropolis.

Also thank guys from the good feedback. So i have decided continue with it. But im extremely slow due im writing in another language. But the good part im stubborn enough to coding without pc so this would be done, at least until our character reached Crimsom lane. The five years inside its another matter :slight_smile: .

The good part is the Crimsom sky itself is already planed and parcialy has been written in spanish since my rpg sesions.


#15

very nice :slight_smile:


#16

The story seems interesting, but, as others have pointed out, your grammar is a bit off.

If I may . . .

Stats Screen:

“Miscelaneus” is misspelled. The word is: “miscellaneous.” (P.S. I have no authority on Latin–even though I love Latin–so whether you spelled that correctly or not is unknown to me.)

First page:

“. . . species fight in bloody . . .” You’re speaking the past tense, so “fight” should be “fought.”

“Then when mortal struggles seem doomed… Suddenly all changed”
You a) forgot a period, b) capitalized “suddenly,” and c) forgot the “it” before “all.”

Second page:

“But of course like all divine present, mana holds a poison hidden inside: Once the drug is inside you, it transforms you in a total adict,”

A few things here. First, it should be, “But of course*,* like all divine present . . .” Also, “adict” should be “addict” and there should be a period after that. And I’m not sure you meant to write “present,” because it’s hard to comprehend.

“Thankfully, in the last fourth eras 4,000 earth years, the mana has never stopped flow like an incesant river . . .”

Consider rewriting it as: “Thankfully, in the last *four* eras (4,000 Earth years), the mana has never stopped flow*ing* like an inces*s*ant river . . .”

“The woman’s footsteps sound truly fast noisy over the muddy broken pavement of Whitechappel.” Consider rewriting around the “. . . truly fast noisy . . .” part. The use of two verbs without a comma is almost impossible to pull off. A simple edit: “. . . sound truly fast, and noisy, over the muddy, broken . . .”


#17

(I hit post too soon. ):slight_smile:

Anyway, still on page three. (I forgot to mention that started on “‘The woman’s . . .’”)

" . . . made you thing otherwise." It should be “think.”

Again, you didn’t use commas. “Her face enters finally in range on your old shivering duty lantern.” I would advice putting commas between the verbs “old,” “shivering,” and “dusty,” which you spelled as “duty.”

“Whitechapel neighbourhood the worst slum in the kingdom, where the mana lights . . .”

Remember that when you restate a noun that you put commas around the new form of the noun. For example: “The student, John, did his homework.” For this reason, it should be: “Whitechapel neighborhood, the worst slum in the kingdom . . .”.

Note: I stop editing after the first choice because I would need to cover all choice branches to feel like I wasn’t being biased.

As I said, I love the idea and it sounds really interesting. To be honest, I’m a bit of a Grammar Nazi (<–the “g” in “Grammar” is capitalized under this clause because it’s part of the title, which most people forget) and your writing still flows nicely.

Keep it up; I’m excited to see where this leads.

:smiley:


#18

I like the game mara! And the character Keith is very intruding :wink:


#19

@adjppm1227 Thanks for your help with editing .I just download a oxford grammar in use in my phone and a bunch of spell checks . But due
-English is not my language and i really suck in it.
-Im dislexic … :frowning:
I hardly doubt it would be grammatically perfect, i would do my best. If is too painful to read for you , i hope have a native help when game is ready for editing and ironing , use of verbal times etc…
In spanish miscelanea is with only a l no idea in english.

@GloriaRose I glad you like Keith, he is my favourite too. But Fragal is a good guy really, only you know it in a bad moment. By the way i prefer the bad guys and girls you would knew later on in game. But i dont wanna spoiler anything :slight_smile:


#20

From where are you @poison_mara ? Since there’s like 10 different forms of spanish