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Pretty cool so far, got caught up in work while trying to play this game and I enjoyed it while I could lol. Love how you gave us the option to detail our main character, and, I’m assuming our not-so-imaginary friend, didn’t get far enough to see if I could but I checked out the stat screen and figured it would be.

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Hi! Just tried out your game, lots of fun and a very interesting concept!

When I first started reading, even with the summary I was expecting something much more lighthearted than this, what with the presence of imaginary friends, instead I was pleasantly surprised to see you bring up heavy topics like mental illness and child poverty, and even green energy, without turning it into a hopeless and bleak situation.
At this moment I can’t comment on how they interact with the fantastical elements. I need to see where you go in dealing with the subject of imaginary friends in relation with mental illness before I can form an opinion.

I very much enjoy your writing, your descriptions are very good, giving me the necessary information to have a good image of the setting and locales without bogging down the story.
The continuous use of “electric car” feels a bit odd if they are supposed to have been normalized in the setting, but I understand that it’s probably to keep the reader from automatically thinking of our usual non-electric cars.

As a non-native English speaker, in the first part of the demo it seems to me that you shift from past to present tense and back again, but perhaps someone better acquainted with the language might be of more help there.

I’m very happy with the customization choices you give for our character, and I’m really glad you even give us the choice to define the eye and hair color ourselves, that’s something I feel tends to lack in games that let us define our MC’s looks.

Regarding the newest scene, the past you chose for the MC is a very interesting choice, specially in relation to the mother’s schizophrenia, I hope we’ll have the chance to find out more.
With Ollie I feel I don’t know enough to have a strong opinion about him yet, but he seems like an interesting and, perhaps, tragic character that I’m certainly curious to know more about.

Will the mother be added as a person of interest? I realize she’s had very little interaction with the main story thus far, but with the addition of that small bit of background and the previous comments regarding her illness, she feels like an important person to list.

And last, some bugs I found, only minor stuff:

  • The male MC is addressed as «neiph» although the choice says nephew and the text immediately after it also uses nephew, I don’t know if that was intended, since the female MC is «niece».
  • Clicking on the next button on the «Ginary’s» page in «Lore» takes us to the «Persons of Interest» page, rather than back to «Lore».
  • In “Persons of Interest & Relationship stats” page there’s an exclamation mark in front of the father’s last name.
  • In his “Persons of Interest” page the uncle has his name only inside the approval bar while AAlem has their full name above theirs as well.
  • In the nightmare I found a gender mismatch in the stairs scene: «Yeah if you can’t see him she can’t see you», should be “see her” instead of him.

I also found some typos, and missing words and commas, if you’re interested I could list them and try to check for more.

Aaand, I think that’s all I wanted to say, I’m sorry for the length and if this got a bit rambly.

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Thankyou very much I appreciate the input and pointing out those errors to me. I don’t always catch the little things.

In regards to the mother being added to the Persons of Interest it’ll happen. I’m just cuing them according to when they appear in the story. Uncle Henri and Dad are the first to be unlocked.

I’d be happy to hear about all of the stray mistakes no worries I don’t mind if you ramble. It saves me time and I appreciate that quite a bit since my times getting a little tighter this week.

I’ll get to cleaning ASAP.
THANKS again

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So far looks like a fun game. Has a few typos. If I have time later I’ll cite them. Is the game supposed to end after it asks about “Allen or Alice” or am I getting an error? I really hope this game gets finished it has a really neat concept.

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1221×98 14.2 KB

You need a coma before the “or” to make it a compound sentence.

1237×209 40.3 KB

It needs to be “It’s” or “it is” in the second sentence, and in “its colder” it needs to be “it’s”.

1228×126 24.9 KB

You need a coma after “like”.

1246×144 28.5 KB

You need a coma between “being” and “but”. On the last sentence I’m not sure if you need a semicolon to make it a compound sentence or quotation marks around the second half of the sentence. It depends on what you’re going for.

1213×100 23 KB

The middle sentence is a run-on sentence. It has at least three, if not four, complete thoughts, and needs to be broken up.

1250×175 23.3 KB

If it was intentional disregard, but “prolly” should be “probably”.

Lastly, I’m not an expert in the use of quotation marks. However it seems like in several locations you use the single mark when the full quotation mark is needed like here.

1220×291 49.1 KB

Any way so far it looks like a very interesting game, and I look forward to reading a finished version.

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Thanks @Zach_Ellinger I appreciate pointing those out to me.

Was going through again and solved that Alice issue it was recent cause I added ‘miss’ variable as in Miss Alice Allen. So it should go all the way to the date now.

Other things I’ve fixed:
-accidentally hidden Ollie intro
-a few of the new mistakes at the tail end of the current piece
-currently running another pass through the main body

I’ll fix the pointed out grammar on my next sit down.
I’m glad you enjoyed yourself Zach I hope to keep you and everyone that reads my work entertained as I push forward.

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I know proof reading is a pain to do yourself. Whenever I try to proof my own stuff my mind somehow reads it right even though I typed it wrong. So you get to profit from my sick day. Once again keep up the good work.

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Not necessarily. It is a common mistake that run-on sentences are always bad and must always be broken up. The writing style for this is quite conversational so grammar rules need not be so strict. I would at most in your example, drop the semi-colon for a period and capitalise the following Y.

Some videos by Steven Pinker that elaborate on things a little and should be useful to anyone, not just to reinforce my statements above.

Edit: another one:

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Awesome! !!
I luv educational programming😇

I haven’t got a professional bone in my body. I believe the word is Autodidactive i don’t fare well with traditional education.

So little tutorials like these are TOTALLY welcome thanks @LordOfLA. I’m so going to watch these on lunch break.

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The first three at least are about an hour long each. These are all more presentations than traditional education. Informative nonetheless however.

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Irregardless I love fun facts too😊
Never know when it’ll be useful

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How about I change “needs to be broken up” to I suggest breaking it up. There actually is a reason for good punctuation beyond just basic order. It alters the rhythm for the reader. Excessively long run-on sentences are like having a conversation with someone who talks so fast you wander how they breath.

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Lol that’s how I talk.

Must come across in my writing.

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Checked the beginning for mistakes, here’s what I found:

  • «YOU were so very wrong,»» Not sure if that “you” really is supposed to be in all caps
  • «A Drunk», Should probably be with a lower case “d”?
  • «your memory wasn’t playing tricks with you», “playing tricks on you”
  • «Its far too cramped to», “It’s far too”
  • «You shoes never seemed» “Your shoes”
  • «words are as clear, and mocking» “words are clear”, the “as” doesn’t seem to be doing anything there
  • «“Come out little devil come out,” The whisper seems» With “the” capped there should be full stop after “out”
  • «seeing very lithe very pale creature» “seeing a very lithe”
  • «It its wake were dark red footprints» “In its wake”
  • «then the sound metal sheering» “the sound of metal”
  • «Hummed laughter makes your crawl» “your skin crawl”
  • «You were right this is SO awesome when you’re right. “it is SO awesome” might fit better
  • «You’re luck has been pretty good so far,» “Your luck”
  • «and the hatch it open.» “is open”
  • «You peek you head up» “peek your head up”
  • «to be the factories tin roof,» "factories’ "
  • «BUT first things first» “But” is in all caps, wasn’t sure if it was for emphasis or not, thought best to write down
  • «something you jut can’t shake from» “you just can’t”
  • «dark eyes fell one you» “fell on you”
  • «Halfway across the shift under foot makes you freeze in place.» Not sure about this one but “under your foot” might read better?
  • «Don’t move… not matter what» “…no matter”
  • «the pale figure "OH wait» Missing a full stop after “figure” or some other type of punctuation
  • «the spot the roof shifting "Last» Same as before, after “shifting”
  • «Chuckling yet again "I» Same as before, after “again”

Going to take a look at the waking up and meeting Alem part next when I have the time.

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not seeing error?

Is fine :smile:

Yeah, but again it depends largely on the passage in question and the writing style. In your example I can see a need for a comma between “think about it” and "so realistic.

A lot of the rules for grammar in the English language can make written prose worse than it otherwise could be. The Steven Pinker videos (especially the RI one) highlight some examples of these in both modern and classic literature. With English at least, when writing informally (as I would argue games are), if you write how you speak you won’t be far off. The goal being to be clear rather than what pedants would call correct.

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You want “Regardless” or “Irrespective”, how American English came up with “irregardless” I don’t know, but it is a broken mashup of the two previous words and means neither thing :smiley:

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Since it’s the roof of the factories shouldn’t there be an apostrophe at the end of the word?

«Your eyes settle in on the ruffled surface that used to be the factories tin roof, riddled with rust and holes.»

The tin roof of the factories, the factories’ tin roof?

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Ah, the extra context helps. However proper possessive apostrophe use is not something I remember the correct usage of. Any time I bump into that problem I re-write so I don’t need to use the apostrophe :smiley:

For instance I would re-write your quoted section to read:

“Your eyes settle in on the ruffled surface that used to be the tin roof of the factory, riddled with rust and holes.”

Resolves the apostrophe issue, conveys same meaning, prolongs my having to go look up some rules :smiley:

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:sweat_smile: Sorry 'bout that, should probably have put more of the phrase there.

Well, my old English as a foreign language books say it should be factories’, with factory’s if singular, but a rewrite would solve that easily, yes.

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You all have my gratitude for all the help.

In terms of going forward.
I’ll strive to keep my work a little tighter as I continue.