My book (possibly)


#1

Given my great respect for the writers and for lack of a better word due to a complete brain fart critics of this site it is my intent to post the prolog of a book I’ve been writing which may or may not become interactive fiction. Before I do I would like to make sure that this does not violate any forum rules.


#2

It doesn’t violate any rules :slight_smile: that’s why there’s an off topic category :wink:


#3

so this is most of what i’ve completed about 80% of the prolog first i’d like to ask for a review of the actual writing then i’d like to present the concept.
“Hold it Aros the Arch mage’s quarters are of limits.” The elderly wizard, and two of his mage guard stepped between the young man and the door to the Arch mage’s tower. These liars, and imbeciles will hold me no longer Sephir Aros thought to himself I’m finished with waiting. A flick of his staff threw the mage guard from his path. “Do not do this Aros…” The wizard began throwing a spell of fire at the young man “Go directly to hell!” Aros lashed back, and striking his staff on the ground released a blast of silver electricity, that sent the old man’s suddenly lifeless body though the tower door. Sephir stepped over the man’s charred corpse as he made his way into the surprisingly spacious (at least the size of any castle hall he had ever seen before), and the most elegant tower that he had had the privilege of seeing in his life time. He wasted no time climbing the stairs that lined the large room instead he fixed his gaze on the room at the top, and shouted in anger “Arch mage who has named my claim to the tittle to a jest, by the rite of our father’s blood I challenge thee!” Instantly a blast of golden light filled the center of the room, and forced Sephir to shield his eyes.
“Why are you here Sephir?” The arch mage stood in the center of the room a saddened look upon his face. The two young men faced each other they had the same brown hair, the same pale skin, the same tall yet thin build. They could have almost been twins, only they were not that was what called Sephir to me this day the arch mage has thought to himself. He thinks this is his right as my elder. “Just a family visit.” Sephir laughed, then his tone changed, and his silver eyes burned with a hateful flame not the impulsive rage most had come to expect from him, but a slow flame he had spent years kindling. “I’m here to kill you of course Aron.” As the phrase crossed his lips they formed a horrifyingly cruel smile, the mad flame in the young man’s eyes grew brighter, and his staff glowed its silver glow. Aron took a step back at this his brother had always been resentful of his power, but he had never been quite so bold or nearly so hateful. Whomever this lunatic before him was it could not be his brother.
“Think about this Sephir you can’t win, and if you start this there’s no going back for you.” Aron pleaded. “Oh my dear brother, I’ve thought about this more than enough.” Aron glanced once again into the mocking eyes of his elder brother. “Very well then.” As Aron spoke golden energy shot from his staff towards Sephir, who carelessly deflected it with a wave of his hand, and began a slow walk towards his brother. Without a moment’s hesitation Aron called forth a swirling torrent of fire powerful enough to scorch the stone around them, to his surprise the torrent was soon countered by a vicious gust of wind. Sephir continued his slow pace seemingly unphased. Aron was left speechless by his brother’s new found power, had he finally learned how to channel his hatred into an advantage? Golden power glowed around Aron as he prepared to unleash all the energy he could and finish the fight once and for all.
With a grin Sephir tapped his staff on the ground. “Ah brother’s magic” he joked to himself “Majestic, powerful, and most of all highly unstable.” A concentrated blast of his silver energy and the magic around his brother burst. Aron flew backwards, a thin golden haze had been spread by the explosion. Sephir drew his dagger, he had finally reached his brother. “How does it feel little brother to know who has…”


#4

You are missing some commas and periods. It seems interesting.


#5

So the idea here is to bring a sort of deja vu to the reader. leader confronted by jealous sibling gee where have I heard that before? Now I purposely structured this so that sephir seems to play the role of a classic stereotypical fantasy wizard villain, but I don’t intend for it to stay that way. What I intend is for the. Main story to start well before this and to establish goals for the characters that are less black and white. Sephir is intended to be my primary protagonist I tried to excentuate some of his primary flaws in this those are that he is rash, greedy, and prone to jealousy, but of course I intend to have him be many good things as well. while he is most certainly driven by greed on many occasions he will never choose his own benefit of those who have been kind and faithful to him a trait which he never surrenders despite the hardship it causes him. He is much braver than his brother, and he has a soft spot for children and the innocent. Diner will post more on it later


#6

Looks cool!


#7

Thanks @doctor @DSeg


#8

Rest of the prologue please bear with my lack of punctuation it’s not my strongest point

“Please uncle Sephir.” A small child’s quiet voice behind him made the man seemingly beyond dissuasion stop cold, in his tracks. The madness, and the hatred disappeared from his eyes. Sephir slowly turned to face a small girl her face was red from freshly shed tears and her ruffled brown hair almost obscured her pleading eyes.
“If you hurt her Sephir I swear I will….” Sephir ignored his brother’s empty threats. He gently placed a hand on his niece’s shoulder, and kindly spoke to her. “Natalie this is no place for you right now, go back to your room.” Still she with her pleading eyes remained “Daddy says you are going to kill us uncle. He says that you want to kill him to be arch mage, and you want to kill me so I can never challenge you.” “Is that what you believe? That I want to kill you?” Sephir asked in the most calming tone he could muster. Sephir would never lay a hand on his niece and, there was no way his brother could have suspected otherwise. “Yet another one of Aron’s lies Sephir thought to himself. Natalie shook her head “Just daddy.” Sephir turned away back to his defeated opponent once again taking up his dagger when the sobbing girl grabbed his leg almost causing him to drop it again. “Uncle I know daddy stole from you, but you can’t kill him.” Sephir shook free his leg and wordlessly resumed his task. “Please.” She weakly murmured once more. Questions suddenly ran through hi mind that had not occurred to him in his earlier rampage. “Can I do this? Can I take her father away from her? Why the hell are you making me do this Aron?”


#9

Keep it up


#10

THINGS I LIKED:
1.) Good writing
2.) Awesome use of magic

THINGS THAT NEED IMPROVEMENT
1.) I’d suggest a proof read: lack of paragraphing, some missing qoutations and grammar errors make it hard to follow sometimes.


#11

@Samuel_H_Young Thanks for the feedback if you wouldn’t mind pointing out a few places where the story became hard to follow that’d help a lot. Thanks


#12

Mainly it should be paragraphed and have lines between the dialogue