I like the story monster hunt it has good feel in to it
Jarring scene transitions, weird dialog, multiple grammer mistakes, and tone all over the place. Everything feels rushed and unplanned, do we know the main character’s thoughts, for the most part it seems we are watching him, not controlling him?
And no proper exposition regarding the state of affairs and the rules of this universe, state of magic, life, races, afterlife/religion.
I can’t grasp the setting, seems fantasy, but the dialog seems apocalyptic, like how captain goes on his semi-religius speech with all the -eths, but in the next scene he’s cursing like a sailer.
Very interesting premise! If I may offer my humble opinion, I believe that the overall writing of this piece would be greatly improved by some descriptive narrative. Chiefly, during the first interaction. Descriptions of the surroundings, the people, and expansion on the sensory experience, would serve you well. This would alleviate the disjointed feel of the story, and give the reader a better idea of what is happening. A good example of this, is when you first introduced the investigator. The description made the character seem tangible. Perhaps you could employ similar technique to the introductory scene, the forest, the robot, the castle description, etc. I would also suggest finding a way to give the reader a better sense of “time and place”, which would help settle us into the role of the MC. I understand the imperative to “jump right into the action”, but as @Theguyfive_Jbra has stated, a bit of exposition seems necessary. As it stands, it is very difficult to determine the nature of the world you created, though I realize that this may be intentional. I must say, that the dialogue is very entertaining, and I know that if you continue in this vein, the story will be highly enjoyable! Good luck!
You might want to shy away from dnd terms, since outside of dnd players those won’t mean anything to anyone.
Like replace tiefling with cambion, genasi is a tough one though.
@stsword I get what you saying, but I’m going to go through and describe each race as you come across them. It shouldn’t end up being to big of a deal, although if it does, I certainly will figure something out.
@Blmc000 Hey Blmc! Nice of you to stop by. Hope your book is going well. Your right about it being intentional to keep things vague at the start, but after rereading the story, I agree with you. Things do need to be described better, and I’ll start working on that after I finish the chapter. Almost done with it and wanna finish it before going back.
@Theguyfive_Jbra I’m gonna go ahead and address your points from easiest to talk about to hardest. For the grammar mistakes, yes I’m aware and I’m fixing them as I find them or they’re pointed out to me. The character you play as is intentionally meant to be a bit fixed in the start, just to get things going. You fully fill in the shoes in the next chapter. For the state of affairs, thats intentional as well, I want to feed that to you as you go. I’m not sure what you mean by rules of the universe, the planet still orbits the sun and all that. Can you explain that one to me? As for being rushed, to be honest, it is a little bit. I’m looking forward to the next few chapters and really want to write those soon, I guess it shows a bit, but I will fix that problem. I’m also not sure what you mean by weird dialog. From what you highlighted, it seems like your talking about the way I structured it. If that’s the problem I can easily fix that, but if your saying the way the characters talk is odd, I’m not sure what to tell you, or how to fix that without rewriting the characters. Each character talks in a particular way to seem unique. Victor for instance snaps, yells, and cusses a lot, while the Captain for instance is more reserved. Jarring scene transitions perplexes me as well. There’s only two real scene transitions, one being from the prologue to the first chapter, and of course that’s gonna be a harder cut. Your going from Victor to your character in two different places and times, although admittedly the time part isn’t explained. The second is intentional as I wanted a jump cut from a crowd in uproar to a quiet interrogation. The tone is different depending on who your interacting with, and that’s not something I can fix easily. The tone does settle in as you go on in the story, but if you could maybe give an example of what exactly your talking about, I can try to address it.
What got you to make monster hunter
@Takashi_Shin Ooooh ain’t that a question right there. Well first off I didn’t make Monster Hunter, though I am looking forward to playing that soon on PC. However what got me working on Monster Hunt was a mix between my dnd sessions, my love for the characters, my slightly above average English grades, and the other cog books and hosted books like Mecha Ace, which was my first, Samurai of Hyuga, Choice of the Deathless, and most recently Wayhaven, just to name a few of my personal favorites. Theres probably a bit more I could talk about, like how this story came to be, but I don’t want this post to go on forever.
Psst, got another update. Still small, but that’s because I’ve decided that the story would flow better if I turned the first chapter into two separate chapters. So for now here’s the rest of Chapter 1, along with a few tweaks. I think I figured out what I was doing wrong earlier. I was pushing to much to fast to get to the parts I really want to write, so I’ve slowed down my process. Hopefully it shows with the rest of the chapter, and with the rest of the story once I get there.
Just slow roll it. It’s kinda like game development in that regard. Rushed games always disappoint, but the opposite can stand the test of time.
So It’s been a bit, but I swear I’m still working on the story, and I bring proof! I bring to you all an update, I don’t want to post chapter two until it’s done, but I have the interlude for you all, with the introduction of our third romance option. If anyone cares though, things are going really slow, but I’m putting serious thought into this chapter. A lot goes into this one, and I’m really looking forward to sharing it with you all.