Ohh since there are horrible people involved will we get the chance to punch said horrible people in the face? The writing’s pretty good and I’m interested in the characters already so I can’t wait to see what else you’ve got in store for us especially personality types and skills of the MC. I’m hoping for a completely badass MC that can kick ass, take names and gives no fucks about what people think like the conviction MC from Deathless city’s thirst just cause I think they were awesome.
Super minor thing but I felt the need to add it so I feel like I’m helping, I think “owner” was misspelt on chapter 1.
Haven’t played through it yet (I will in a minute), I just needed to get out there that I actually enjoyed reading your intro, which rarely happens. Very witty and stimulating.
So the funniest thing happened while I was asleep. I posted a half asleep blurb on the site inviting people to try out my story and, get this, people actually did! It’s still mind boggling to me! Anyways to answer your guys’s questions, @Damean_WightFlame unfortunately no, that wouldn’t work. I originally wanted people to have the option to play different races, but think of it like this. The dark elves are loosely based off of Nazis. In this case, i’m having you play a a Jew in Nazi Germany. Part of the story is the heavy racism you’ll face and playing as a German in Nazi Germany just wouldn’t be the same. @WA2000 You know, I actually saw that typo, said I’d get it later, and completely forgot about it. Thanks for the catch. As for the punching people thing… Yes, yes you can. Don’t expect the best outcomes though, you don’t punch bear and expect a hug. As for the kicking ass part… That’s hard to explain. While your character is a knight and has good combat experience, the main cast is composed of cold blooded killers. Each one could take you in a fair fight. But that’s the point, your gonna have to find a way to play dirty. But for most other people yea, you can kick their asses. Wouldn’t be fun if everyone in my story makes you feel small. @Megus Saved your question for last because I actually have a question for you. I agree with you, the story needs more about how the world works and why its a hell hole. I was planning on adding a intro explaining things but I thought it might flow better if you learned as you went through the story. So here’s the question, which would you prefer, a wall of text at the beginning explaining whats going on, or would you rather find out as you go along?
@AbbyMCGonagall Well that’s an ego booster. Thank you, I really appreciate it. @FutbolDude21586 Hopefully you’ll be able to give me your thoughts soon, i’m trying to push through the first chapter a fast as possible to get to the good stuff. @Megus That’s a good idea. I’ll do a bit of rewriting to make this make more sense. To answer that for now though, yes, it’s a medieval era, but its a mix between eras. The world itself is a bit crazy and not everything makes sense, such as Isabel’s cigarettes and Clive being a robot. I’ve taken ideas from different eras and used magic and the intelligence of different races to explain the reasoning’s, but for the most part, you could probably still call bull on a lot of things you might encounter.
hmmm hrrrmm uhh I’m gonna need you to explain what that means. This is the first time i’ve ever used a forum like this, or even talk on the internet in general.
Great! @Scarytaco35 I would recommend doing the discobot tutorial to learn more forum tricks, also to go back and @ everyone you were replying to in your old posts so that they can see you answered them
I’m pretty sure you’re going to have to be really careful on how far you push your characters with their horribleness since if it’s too bad then it’ll be a no no. I’m fairly certain sexual abuse won’t be accepted
“I’m”, there should be a comma between those two words and the last highlight is the ending.
Starting quotes, “you’re”. Also, who’s Chris and Jenny? Are they the guards?
@Umbreonpanda Awesome, now that’s what I’m f***ing talking about! Catch all of my spelling errors! Yes! And yea, they’re the guards. Might add a bit more to them. Kinda forgot about them myself to be honest. They become more prominent as the chapter goes on though. Clive being a robot isn’t important yet and the prologue is intentionally vague. He gets explained a lot better as the story goes on. He’s a major character after all. @Nomad33810 You know I really like that idea. The problem with it is that I would have to completely rewrite what I already have. But if people can’t seem to grasp the larger picture that’s going on, I might do that to help ease people into the setting. @Vic Ah this is an inevitable issue. Now before anyone gets mad at me, sexual abuse won’t appear right in front of your character as of now, however it’s part of three of the main characters backstories, and I don’t wanna shy away from exploring the topic because it is a major reasoning behind the mentality of the characters. If anyone has questions about any triggering content, I would be more than happy to explain what I have planned for those topics to an extent. Don’t wanna give away too much.
Jarring scene transitions, weird dialog, multiple grammer mistakes, and tone all over the place. Everything feels rushed and unplanned, do we know the main character’s thoughts, for the most part it seems we are watching him, not controlling him?
And no proper exposition regarding the state of affairs and the rules of this universe, state of magic, life, races, afterlife/religion.
I can’t grasp the setting, seems fantasy, but the dialog seems apocalyptic, like how captain goes on his semi-religius speech with all the -eths, but in the next scene he’s cursing like a sailer.
Very interesting premise! If I may offer my humble opinion, I believe that the overall writing of this piece would be greatly improved by some descriptive narrative. Chiefly, during the first interaction. Descriptions of the surroundings, the people, and expansion on the sensory experience, would serve you well. This would alleviate the disjointed feel of the story, and give the reader a better idea of what is happening. A good example of this, is when you first introduced the investigator. The description made the character seem tangible. Perhaps you could employ similar technique to the introductory scene, the forest, the robot, the castle description, etc. I would also suggest finding a way to give the reader a better sense of “time and place”, which would help settle us into the role of the MC. I understand the imperative to “jump right into the action”, but as @Theguyfive_Jbra has stated, a bit of exposition seems necessary. As it stands, it is very difficult to determine the nature of the world you created, though I realize that this may be intentional. I must say, that the dialogue is very entertaining, and I know that if you continue in this vein, the story will be highly enjoyable! Good luck!
hmmm hrrrmm uhh I’m gonna need you to explain what that means. This is the first time i’ve ever used a forum like this, or even talk on the internet in general.
