I closed the thread, @Samuel_H_Young
I’ve been feeling down lately, but in the past few days, I’ve had a big surge of writing inspiration. Probably all the R.L Stine I’ve been reading/watching.
Update:
I posted Chapter Five to the beta; it’s 11k words, bringing the total word count to 68k. In this chapter, you have to get your mic back from Larry before you go on tour. You can potentially see some first lyrics, but they’re actually Larry’s. The lyrics for your four song options will be in Chapter Six, but here they are for your pleasure, in order of aggressive, groovy, intricate, and atmospheric:
Summary
I caught a pedophile politician, took him from his hive
Chemical castration is his consequence, then he dies
I rounded up every politician who ever bombed foreign children
Took a mallet, and with hundreds of blows, I caved their heads in
I asked cops why they don’t protect us from ecocide or genocide
One said he was just doing his job so I put a bullet in between his eyes
I sacrifice hundreds of evil politicians to free their billions of ghostly victims
I kill…I kill…I kill…evil politicians
Summary
Every day is the same, existing as an automaton
I called my best friend, but they’re dead and gone
Breaking my back for scraps, wondering if I’ll someday be free
Saw thousands of dead children on the news today, hell is reality
Watching the same movies til my eyes ooze out of their sockets
Hiding bottles of alcohol and razor blades in my pockets
To drown the black hole in my chest from connections I never had
A social species fragmented into a trillion pieces, isn’t it sad?
Summary
Bulldozers reduce ancient forests to splinters, countless species vanish
Incalculable amounts of sewage and pollution create a cemetery ocean
CAFOs continue to spread like mold, punishing ecosystems and communities with manure lagoons
Cops, who scramble after the immortal specter of individual civilian crime, turn a blind eye
The planet is burning and drowning, and by endless invasive wars, millions of innocents die
And we are simply expected to accept this as a normal way of fucking life
Critical thinking smashes indoctrination, propaganda, and societal lies
But for now it’s manufactured consent to planetary suicide
Summary
Recounts of oral tales in ancient scrolls, a dozen times translated
Cannot be naturally believed, but must be forcibly proliferated and dictated
Medieval superstitions require their constant diet of sacrificial goats
Hateful morals cherry picked and wielded as cudgels against convenient scapegoats
Cultural variety and scientific progress smashed under the principle of religious homogeneity
Morally repugnant myths a thousand times disproved, I don’t believe in your fucking deity
There’s a pounding at the back of the door, glass explodes through the window
The mob grabs the scientist, dragging them by the hair to be hung from a willow
Great chapter! I loved the return of Effie and how the MC’s conflict with her is now different because the MC is in a different place in their life. And after those callbacks, I liked that the severance package plot line has a good ending, even if the MC doesn’t need the money now. I enjoyed being able to choose multiple stops on the tour, and how each option further explored all the band members’ personalities even as it was developing the MC’s characterization. I also liked the descriptions and details of the different places we can visit, especially the geyser field option.
I do think the timeline is a little confusing, though – at the start of the scene with Effie it says it’s days later after the studio scene, but there’s other lines that state it’s been a week, while the production of the band’s single and their success would suggest a little more time than that. I also thought that after their separation, there should have been a small scene with Kanibor – perhaps before the Effie scene so there’s a pause before the time jump. By the way, was it ever explained why the microphone only works for the MC?
Typos
"Don’t touch anything or I kill you, but be yourself and have fun.
“I” should be “I’ll”
That gigantic advance is sitting in your bank account, haven already wiped out your rent debt easily.
“haven” should be “having”
Looking forward to chapter six!
@expectedoperator Great feedback. I’ll fix those typos and try to tidy up the timeline a little. I also was already thinking I needed another choice with Kanibor in there so I’ll start thinking of what I’d like to do there.
As far as why the mic only works for you: Kanibor could work with others as well, but that could get very complicated for him
Minor update:
I added another choice with Kanibor to Chapter Five. That’s another 2k words, bringing the total word count of the beta to 70k. This choice with Kanibor was needed after you were separated from him, so I think it should improve the pacing and build on your dynamic with him. Thanks to @expectedoperator for suggesting I add something like this.
Now, back to writing Chapter Six.
So you all aren’t confused: I changed Kizzy’s name to Aurora
Update:
I posted Chapter Six to the beta. This chapter is 13k words, bringing the total word count so far to 83k. In this chapter, you must play in front of thousands of fans as Kanibor gets closer to coming out of the microphone. I hope you enjoy, and any feedback is welcome.
For anyone who’s interested: the instrumentals and vocals of your songs are mostly inspired by Cannibal Corpse songs. The lyrics are all written by me and are more in the vein of Napalm Death, Cattle Decapitation, Earth Crisis, etc. And finally, Brain Rot is inspired by Slipknot
I really enjoyed this chapter! I liked the descriptions of the snowy stage and even the bloody mess the microphone was leaving – it helped convey the horror of the scene and why Barty would be afraid enough to just leave the tour bus. I appreciated that the band members were so chill while Larry’s reaction makes perfect sense after the buildup of his failures and what we learn about him from Aurora. I loved the reveal of Kanibor – he’s a cat!!
I did think the pacing for the last of the stage/the beginning of the bus tour scene felt a bit rushed – it might be because the MC instantly knows that it’s the scratching/squeaking noises that’s troubling Kanibor, instead of there be a pause of wondering what’s going on with him.
Typos
At the end of your breakdown,
There needs to be a line of space between this paragraph and the lyrics before it.
You collapse into a seat, not knowing what to say, swallowing a growing lump forming in your throat, fighting back a waterfall of tears.
Perhaps there could be a choice here, even if it ends with them crying, of how the MC initially reacts (with anger, denial, crying, etc.) so the player has more input into the MC’s characterization.
To your immeasurable relief, Atomic Decay seems to decide unanimously not to fire you after all.
This paragraph and the next one seemed a bit repetitive – maybe it was because of the choices I picked when telling the band members about Kanibor, but it was just retelling me what they had just said a moment ago.
Looking forward to chapter seven!
@expectedoperator Glad you liked it I agree the transition between the stage and bus scene is a little rushed and will tweak that a bit.